more advice please...

[Mel1968]

Hi folks

I'm in the process of breaking up with my uBPDgf, several of you have been very supportive of my attempts at NC, and my  realisation I am codependent, for which I am very grateful, your words have kept me going.

Please ... .

My daughter, 17, just un friended her on FB, because she's sick of seeing the "my life is great" she's been putting up. ( I have to say how proud I am of my girl for the way she's handled the last two years... .but finally, enough is enough and she's admitted she hates x for how ive been the past 6 months especially)

Anyway, daughter u friended her, and within 30 minutes, x rang me in tears, devastated that d had done that. I haven't heard from her since she rejected me at the weekend, despite several emails and calls from me, and a bag of shopping left at her door becasue I knew she was sick in bed. ( x has chronic condition, made worse, apparently,  by stress of interaction with me, because of my crimes, and this is her final reason for ending it, so I couldn't kill her)

So, I answer phone, and put up with her hanging up 3 times. I offer to go to her hospital appointment with her tomorrow (which I know is a big deal for her, she can't cope with that kind of appointment, hates her nurse etc). Because I've been reading and learning, I validate her, I don't rise to any of her bait, I'm just lovely and gentle. And then she says something about me and my ex, which is a huge stumbling block for her ( she hangs on to a lot of false beliefs about us, despite the million times I've told her she's making up stuff that isn't true), sighs in a despairing way and hangs up. Not heard from her since.

And so here I am again. For the first time tonight I'd had moments of thinking that this might be ok, I might just survive, knowing why we have to end it, for us both, and being absolutely determined to maintain NC (2 days- a record!) and now... .

why did she call me?

Maybe if I learn the techniques on here we could be ok?

But I know really that she's just scared about her health, probably pd off that she can't stalk me through my d's fb account... .And it doesn't matter what I say, she believes nonsense about me... .

Argh!

I would be very grateful of any advice, am struggling to think clearly again... .

Thank you

Mel

[fromheeltoheal]

The 'my life is great' FB posts and the calling sobbing and hanging up are pretty incongruent, yes?  To me that kind of speaks to all of Facebook.

Anyway, about you.  You're still focusing a lot on what's up with her, and really, if it's over, what does it matter?  I'm not trying to sound cold but that's what we need to focus on; it's very, very important to put your needs above all else right now, 10 times as much as you normally would, and as a self-proclaimed codependent and someone ending a relationship with someone with the traits of a personality disorder that feel be difficult and feel very wrong, but it's the right thing to do if you want to end it, detach and heal.

Consider:

Selfishness gets a bad rap, but think about it, if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give.  Think of a flight attendant on an airplane, who says if oxygen masks descend, put yours on before you assist children and others.  Or something to that effect.  We're useless to others unless we fill ourselves up first.

To help shift your focus, make a list of all of the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated in the relationship, and don't worry about why you tolerated them yet, just read and add to the list as much as you can, to remind yourself why it ended and needs to stay ended, and fully associate to how each of those behaviors made you feel.

Name one thing you're looking forward to that has nothing to do with her.

[Mike-X]

Hi Mel1968, I am sorry that you are struggling with this. Can you help me to understand what you would like advice on? Are you looking for possible reasons why your gf called you? Are you looking for advice on how to reconcile and get back with your ex? Both?

[Mel1968]

Fromheeltoheal, I do agree in theory but it's a lot easier said than done... .

You're still focusing a lot on what's up with her, and really, if it's over, what does it matter?  

She facetimed me and looks shocking, is clearly ill. She's a human being, one who's hurting, and is scared. Even if I didn't love her like crazy, I'd want to help her, surely that's just decent behaviour?

Anyway, in my favour, and what I'm choosing to see as steps in the right direction... .I offered again to go to hospital with her tomorrow, when she refused and made negative comments about us being broken up blah blah, I didn't press the point, didn't try and convince her why I should, and actually, probably better than ever, I didn't completely die inside. And when she put the phone down on me, I wasn't particularly bothered, just went and had my bath, and ignored the phone calls, and haven't listened to the voicemails she's left, because I know what they'll say... .So, small steps but am feeling positive that they're in the right direction... .

As for something I'm looking forward to which has nothing to do with her - this was very hard as most things are about not feeling... .liking x again... .but they're all still in relation to her. But I've booked a week's holiday for me and daughter in July ( which would be UNTHINKABLE if we were together) daughter is wildly excited, and although I'm not exactly bothered just now, I'm sure we'll have a great time.

I've been wondering about the list of negative stuff about the relationship... .Feeling a bit conflicted as on the one hand, I have kept a diary of horrors, and have been thinking of compiling a list of "best bits" to keep about me to remind me when I'm feeling weak, but  this approach seems the opposite of mindfully just accepting things as they are, which is the other thing I keep reading about. Maybe I'm missing something?

Thanks

Mel

[Mel1968]

Hi Mike-X

I guess about why she's calling me. I'm veering between the fact she's terrified about being so ill and her realising she loves me and wants to make it all ok

Also - how to stay strong and not cave, because I know that is absolutely what I want to do, but not what is best for my physical or mental health, or good for my daughter to see.

Thank you

Mel

[Irish Pride]

Hi folks

I'm in the process of breaking up with my uBPDgf, several of you have been very supportive of my attempts at NC, and my  realisation I am codependent, for which I am very grateful, your words have kept me going.

Please ... .

My daughter, 17, just un friended her on FB, because she's sick of seeing the "my life is great" she's been putting up. ( I have to say how proud I am of my girl for the way she's handled the last two years... .but finally, enough is enough and she's admitted she hates x for how ive been the past 6 months especially)

Anyway, daughter u friended her, and within 30 minutes, x rang me in tears, devastated that d had done that. I haven't heard from her since she rejected me at the weekend, despite several emails and calls from me, and a bag of shopping left at her door becasue I knew she was sick in bed. ( x has chronic condition, made worse, apparently,  by stress of interaction with me, because of my crimes, and this is her final reason for ending it, so I couldn't kill her)

So, I answer phone, and put up with her hanging up 3 times. I offer to go to her hospital appointment with her tomorrow (which I know is a big deal for her, she can't cope with that kind of appointment, hates her nurse etc). Because I've been reading and learning, I validate her, I don't rise to any of her bait, I'm just lovely and gentle. And then she says something about me and my ex, which is a huge stumbling block for her ( she hangs on to a lot of false beliefs about us, despite the million times I've told her she's making up stuff that isn't true), sighs in a despairing way and hangs up. Not heard from her since.

And so here I am again. For the first time tonight I'd had moments of thinking that this might be ok, I might just survive, knowing why we have to end it, for us both, and being absolutely determined to maintain NC (2 days- a record!) and now... .

why did she call me?

Maybe if I learn the techniques on here we could be ok?

But I know really that she's just scared about her health, probably pd off that she can't stalk me through my d's fb account... .And it doesn't matter what I say, she believes nonsense about me... .

Argh!

I would be very grateful of any advice, am struggling to think clearly again... .

Thank you

Mel

Mel... .I've commented on your struggles before, so please know this is coming from an empathic heart.

If your kids get involved with your xBPD, and THEY can see the dysfunction, IMO, you have NO OTHER CHOICE but to move on and get as FAR away from this person as possible.

Let me throw this out there and I sincerely hope it sticks.

Would YOU approve of the behavior a BPD significant other displayed to your child? If not, then why the hell would you let them do it to you, in view of your child? To your child, YOU are their inspiration. They will do as you do. Is that the example you want to set for your child? I broke up, for the FINAL time, with my xBPD because she screwed my daughter over, and NOBODY messes with MY children. EVER!

Please take a VERY serious look in the mirror and decide who is more important. Your children or your BPDx. I am an admitted CoD. A severe one, at that. But NO ONE messes with my children.

I hope this helps, in some way.

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromheeltoheal, I do agree in theory but it's a lot easier said than done... .

Yes, of course, that's why there are sites like this, full of people who are or have detached from folks exhibiting traits of a personality disorder, and in the end the only way to let go is just let go, as hard as that is.

You're still focusing a lot on what's up with her, and really, if it's over, what does it matter?  

She facetimed me and looks shocking, is clearly ill. She's a human being, one who's hurting, and is scared. Even if I didn't love her like crazy, I'd want to help her, surely that's just decent behaviour?

Anyway, in my favour, and what I'm choosing to see as steps in the right direction... .I offered again to go to hospital with her tomorrow, when she refused and made negative comments about us being broken up blah blah, I didn't press the point, didn't try and convince her why I should, and actually, probably better than ever, I didn't completely die inside. And when she put the phone down on me, I wasn't particularly bothered, just went and had my bath, and ignored the phone calls, and haven't listened to the voicemails she's left, because I know what they'll say... .So, small steps but am feeling positive that they're in the right direction... .

There is no right way to detach, only guidelines, some folks promote complete no contact, some folks think limited contact is better and helps, whatever works for you, and steps in the right direction is a good thing.  Borderlines are all about attachments, and there are stories of folks who's partners made themselves sick to elicit sympathy, and thereby retain the attachment, most of us however, myself included, went from being the soother to the trigger, so we were actually the worst person to try and help after the relationship ended, even if every fiber in our being was pulling us that way.  If you can help her while also moving forward with detaching that sounds good, in fact the limited contact I had with my ex after we broke up, after getting some distance and learning about the traits of the disorder, actually helped me detach because her behaviors became transparent and it was no longer a mystery.

As for something I'm looking forward to which has nothing to do with her - this was very hard as most things are about not feeling... .liking x again... .but they're all still in relation to her. But I've booked a week's holiday for me and daughter in July ( which would be UNTHINKABLE if we were together) daughter is wildly excited, and although I'm not exactly bothered just now, I'm sure we'll have a great time.

Good for you!  The point of asking that question is as we leave these relationships behind, part of the process is to shift the focus from the past to the future, a bright future without her in it, and that takes what it takes, and consciously shifting our focus helps.

I've been wondering about the list of negative stuff about the relationship... .Feeling a bit conflicted as on the one hand, I have kept a diary of horrors, and have been thinking of compiling a list of "best bits" to keep about me to remind me when I'm feeling weak, but  this approach seems the opposite of mindfully just accepting things as they are, which is the other thing I keep reading about. Maybe I'm missing something?

Yes, accepting things as they are, radical acceptance as it's called around here, accepting she exhibits traits of a personality disorder that causes behaviors that are unacceptable, and we could never get our needs met in the relationship, so the only way is to sever the attachment and move on.  Problem with that in the beginning is it's common to have a conflict between our heads and our hearts, the head knows what the right thing to do is, but the heart protests, and one way to help the head win the conflict and then let the heart catch up is to focus on the bad to the exclusion of the good, for a while to keep us away, and with time and distance the fog will clear and we'll see things differently, and probably get a more balanced view, might even develop compassion for our exes as we move on.

Sorry Mel, I don't know your whole story, but there's some tidbits for folks who want to be done with their exes entirely and move on, hope some of it is useful.  Take care of you!