In retrospect: The stages we go through

[Jack2727]

Hi everyone:

I know some of you are still going through hell. I know some of you are not. I wanted to put together something to help you understand where you are in the process of healing. This may or may not apply to you but hopefully it will help you guys heal and move on.

Shock: This is when everything seems to be going in slow motion. This usually happens on the day you break up. The events and circumstances seem surreal. When you are abandoned its like someone detonated a bomb. You are emotionally wrecked.

Disbelief: You still try to cling onto what was before. You initiate contact. But your ex seems cold and distant, if there at all. You make excuses for their behavior and hold out hope that they will return. You cannot fathom that a person you loved so much and gave so much to you could just abandon you without a care in the world. You analyze the breakup and the weeks preceding trying to find answers.

Collapse: When it becomes apparent you have been replaced and abandoned, your whole world comes crashing down. This is really the aftershock of the nuclear blast. You blame yourself for letting the behavior carry on for so long. You bargain with God, asking him/her to come back.

Nuclear winter: You are destroyed, wrecked, shell of your former self. Your confidence is obliterated. You struggle to make it through the day. You isolate yourself. You ruminate about your ex. You think about what they are doing and who they are with. You decide to hold NC to show your strength. You wait patiently for them to break NC. This stage is most dangerous because you can let yourself completely be engulfed by your pain. Two ways: A person can rage outwardly and indulge in sex, drugs, food, etc; all commonly abused at this point. Sometimes a person will just not leave their house. Inward isolation.

Reconstruction: Pain starts to subside, albeit slowly. You start to engage with your friends. May start to take on healthy habits. This could also be a dangerous time for rebound relationships. (which often lead to more pain). Ruminations continue.

Closure: If NC is not broken after a substantial time, some may choose to break NC for closure. I did this. A self directed finality. Words left unsaid are completed. Acceptance that the relationship is most likely over.

Acceptance: When you accept you did your best and they have issues you cannot fix than you will be truly ready to move on and embrace new love and opportunities.

If you make it to this point, congrats, you are on the road to recovery. I am almost five months out. I'd say I am probably 85% back to normal. I still think about her but I know that I did my best. 

[ZeusRLX]

Good for you! It takes time but healing is possible for all of us.

[Achaya]

Hi everyone:

I know some of you are still going through hell. I know some of you are not. I wanted to put together something to help you understand where you are in the process of healing. This may or may not apply to you but hopefully it will help you guys heal and move on.

Shock: This is when everything seems to be going in slow motion. This usually happens on the day you break up. The events and circumstances seem surreal. When you are abandoned its like someone detonated a bomb. You are emotionally wrecked.

Disbelief: You still try to cling onto what was before. You initiate contact. But your ex seems cold and distant, if there at all. You make excuses for their behavior and hold out hope that they will return. You cannot fathom that a person you loved so much and gave so much to you could just abandon you without a care in the world. You analyze the breakup and the weeks preceding trying to find answers.

Collapse: When it becomes apparent you have been replaced and abandoned, your whole world comes crashing down. This is really the aftershock of the nuclear blast. You blame yourself for letting the behavior carry on for so long. You bargain with God, asking him/her to come back.

Nuclear winter: You are destroyed, wrecked, shell of your former self. Your confidence is obliterated. You struggle to make it through the day. You isolate yourself. You ruminate about your ex. You think about what they are doing and who they are with. You decide to hold NC to show your strength. You wait patiently for them to break NC. This stage is most dangerous because you can let yourself completely be engulfed by your pain. Two ways: A person can rage outwardly and indulge in sex, drugs, food, etc; all commonly abused at this point. Sometimes a person will just not leave their house. Inward isolation.

Reconstruction: Pain starts to subside, albeit slowly. You start to engage with your friends. May start to take on healthy habits. This could also be a dangerous time for rebound relationships. (which often lead to more pain). Ruminations continue.

Closure: If NC is not broken after a substantial time, some may choose to break NC for closure. I did this. A self directed finality. Words left unsaid are completed. Acceptance that the relationship is most likely over.

Acceptance: When you accept you did your best and they have issues you cannot fix than you will be truly ready to move on and embrace new love and opportunities.

If you make it to this point, congrats, you are on the road to recovery. I am almost five months out. I'd say I am probably 85% back to normal. I still think about her but I know that I did my best. 

This is an awesome post! I am still ruminating nonstop at 5 weeks post BU, even thought the pain is subsiding, so it helped a lot when you described that. The most helpful part of the post for me is the last part. I forget that I did my best. I have been kicking myself for the past couple days for staying in such a crazy relationship in the first place! When I saw your words, I remembered why I made the choices I did---I gave her my best, and it was actually a lot! She herself says so.

Thanks so much for the encouragement!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi

Great topic thanks!

I never thought I would be at this stage in all the time I bounced back and forwards with my BP, looking at the stages described, I would think I am at Acceptance, however I do from time to time regress back into that Nuclear Winter, yesterday was one of those days again. However other things are going on in my life that probably added to that feeling of missing the Ex and ruminating over him.

It was late March 2014 when I called things off for good with exBP, over last year, he made contact several times, months apart via phone, August was the last time I heard his voice, simply because I decided to return to NC and ignore his attempts at winding me back in to his web.

He did make sure he hurt me one last time just days before Christmas just past though, (likely revenge). His poison came via  his Sister In-law, (who was never one of his greatest supporters at any rate). She came to my workplace and sought me out, so she could tell me rather smugly, that she had good news of BP. Apparently he had a job now, after 6 years of unemployment, (4 of those with me). I was happy to hear that, but the bomb she dropped next was totally unnecessary to be sharing with me, especially when she knew how heartbreaking the whole thing had been for me and how hard it had been to finally break away from him.

So she tells me that BP had 'met his match', that the woman was a Psychiatrist, who was 'keeping him in line', and how BP is doing well, getting healthy, and so on. Then she promptly wished me and my family, (who she never met anyway only heard all the nasty stuff from BP about them) a very Merry Xmas and sashayed off.

I nearly puked and also hated that she seemed to be gloating about telling me too. I must tell you though, that news that he was with someone else really knocked my progress back. I ruminated on that for some months, heartbroken, even though I had an instinct that the part about him now being with someone else was a lie.

Pretty silly huh?

I mean how does a Homeless Mentally ill guy manage from August-December to land a really great job, (he never really seemed to try that hard to get one to be honest), and land a relationship with a Psychiatrist? It just doesn't add up at all.

Why do I even care? Grrrrrrrrrrrr

It really annoys me that I am sitting here still heartbroken even though I know I am better off without him in my life. I miss the good parts of him, the way I felt being with him when he was that wholesome good guy that he could be, (yea it was only 10% of the time, but why do I focus on that still and not more on the 90% of utter horror he put me through most days.

Yea, I've made progress in my life, I have more money than I did when I was constantly being used and unappreciated by him, I joined a gym, got more in shape and lost some weight, I started going out with friends and developing more of a social life than I had had in years. Not to mention I am finally getting caught up on all the various tasks in my life that I never had time for due to being constantly caught up in the drama/exhaustion of dealing with all his crap.

And most of the time, I feel pretty good, I don't think about him as often, and life is moving forward a lot more, but WHY am I still heartbroken over him? Why do I miss someone still that was so bad to me?

Any ideas?

[Jack2727]

And most of the time, I feel pretty good, I don't think about him as often, and life is moving forward a lot more, but WHY am I still heartbroken over him? Why do I miss someone still that was so bad to me?

Any ideas?

When I do think about my ex I ask the same question. Why is there that stinging sensation? Why do I miss her? Why do I miss someone who was so bad for me?

I guess the best way I can answer this is that our mind tends to focus more on the good moments than the bad times. My ex drive me absolutely crazy. I remember there were times last year when I really wanted to call it quits and leave. I think we tend to forget about all the bad times and focus on the good times.

Also, I think somewhere, your ex matched what you wanted on paper. That is what made my breakup from E so damaging. My ex was everything I wanted. That is why losing her has been so absolutely painful. You face this low self esteem dilemma where you feel like you will never meet someone who has all of those qualities. It also harms our superego when you lose that. It's like, ok, I found the one, she has abandoned me, maybe I am not worthy for that. 

I struggle with this now that I have started to date again. I'm afraid that I will constantly measure each woman to the innate qualities E had.

That's on paper.

In reality, my ex and your ex were probably nothing like we imagined. I think we all remember the good times and moments to support that false vision we have of them. In truth and reality, they were not. If they were, they would still be with us and would value us.

There is a double edge to this as well. My ex E was still hung up on her ex fiancee. I dealt with his ghost for the entire relationship. It's even possible she may be back with him now. This is why it is IMPORTANT for you, me and everyone else to settle these demons before we bring another poor soul into the equation.

I think in many ways I was a victim of someone who was not over their ex. I just could not measure up to the feelings he had rooted in her being. She abandoned countless guys prior to me, and even said to me, that he damaged her.

You need to come to an acceptance. An acceptance that yes, he/she was special to me, but they were not what I thought they were.

Hey, sometimes our hearts trick our minds into believing things that we never there. Hang in there! It will get better!

[Achaya]

Jack, our BPD exes usually are hung up on something or somebody other than us. My ex didn't cheat as far as I know, but when I asked her why she was being so distant she told me she had "moved on to other preoccupations." I think that the other preoccupations are for pwBPDs ways of diluting the primary relationship and creating distance from the primary partner.

I have observed in myself that I was still idealizing my partner as she retreated from me, like the best fish I ever caught is now getting away. It was helpful for me to clarify that closeness is the primary reason I wanted a relationship. My ex did not like sustained closeness, and after the first year of our relationship she actively avoided intimacy of any kind. We were incredibly compatible in most ways, but we were extremely incompatible when it came to desire for closeness, and that was the main thing I want from a partner.

[debyt]

This is a really great example of how it can be from both sides of the lens.  I can see me in this timeline and I can see my soon to be XHusband in this too.  I know it is just as painful for him as it is for me.  I know his acting out is manipulation but he doesn't even know he's doing it.  I see the pain he's in and I know I can't do anything about it.  I can only help ME. 

We are separating slowly for both of us even though it might be a really weird thing for most to fathom.  But for today it works.  Tomorrow might be a different story.  It's what is best for the children (boys) today.

I have read to take every day as it comes and not borrow trouble from tomorrow.  Tomorrow has sufficient issues of it's own.  I can only see today, maybe this week but not next week.  I know he will get tired of this in house separation but I am trying to be flexible.  Besides, I can't get him to just leave.  I feel the pain I didn't know I would feel.  Guess it's been hiding inside for a very long time.  I have chosen to ignore it until now.  I am a strong person and I am truly shocked at how anxious I am.  May God bless each of us as we deal with our BPDSO's and ourselves.

[going places]

Shock & Disbelief, Collapse

August 2011.

This happened all at once. The trauma was more than my brain could handle, and it left a permanent scar.

(PTSD). At the time, and for 1 year after the initial trauma, I had no idea what was wrong "with me".

It was also during that 1 year, I was told by a 'pastor counselor' this was MY fault, and if I would have been a better 'wife' this would not have happened... .I was manipulated and gas lit to the point I was ready to take my own life.

Nuclear Winter

I was in the Nuclear Winter for approximately 2 years (maybe 2.5).

I was still with the ex; and for that entire time, the abuse I endured at his hands, was unspeakable.

I would have moments of 'clarity' when I would say "how did this happen? why am I here?", but quickly was smashed back under his thumb.

Reconstruction

I filed for divorce July, 2013. A week before it was final, we called it off... .

January 2014, I started seeing an abuse advocate, started going to group and individual sessions... .

In April of 2014, a month after my daughter left for Boot Camp, I filed for divorce, and started stripping off the lies and manipulation. I understood what he was doing to me (gaslighting, flipping the script, lies, ect.) I also understood it was NOT normal, it was ABUSE. And I was not going to subject myself or my kids anymore... .

This is the first time in almost 3 years, I felt "hope"... .

Closure

Threw him out of the house (that was for sale) in July 2014.

Blocked him from all forms of communication (except email, we had a house for sale).

THAT is when I started REALLY healing.

I still had moments... .I still had nightmares... .I still had flashbacks... .but they were further and few between.

I have not physically seen him since July 2014, and I hope I never do.

I am moving out of state in July 2015.

For me, closure happened a long time ago. The acceptance that the relationship was over.

I do not need his empty lying words to know that.

His actions speak, spoke, loud and clear. I will not allow him the opportunity to abuse me again.

Acceptance

It took about 3 months with an abuse advocate (and a few check ins afterwards), several books, and Prayer like it was my JOB but I finally came to the place where I did do all I could do with a pure heart, and with love, and that he is what he is, and none of that, was or is my fault.

Each and every day I build on my future.

Once I started taking all of my thoughts and focus off him... .

Once I stopped seeing the 'past' thru some skewed 'we had good times' vision and saw it for what it really was (a big fat lie)

Once I stopped loathing myself for being 'fooled, stupid, gulible'... .

AND

Started focusing on my hopes, dreams, passions, future... .

Started trusting God for direction, peace, joy... .

Then, and only then did my healing begin, and continue.

[Jack2727]

Jack, our BPD exes usually are hung up on something or somebody other than us. My ex didn't cheat as far as I know, but when I asked her why she was being so distant she told me she had "moved on to other preoccupations." I think that the other preoccupations are for pwBPDs ways of diluting the primary relationship and creating distance from the primary partner.

I have observed in myself that I was still idealizing my partner as she retreated from me, like the best fish I ever caught is now getting away. It was helpful for me to clarify that closeness is the primary reason I wanted a relationship. My ex did not like sustained closeness, and after the first year of our relationship she actively avoided intimacy of any kind. We were incredibly compatible in most ways, but we were extremely incompatible when it came to desire for closeness, and that was the main thing I want from a partner.

My ex had major problems with intimacy. She wasn't a classic BPD. I actually think she was more other things, most specifically Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder with high levels of Narcissism. I had issues with her in regards to intimacy. She didn't like to be touched or be close. She had major problems sleeping and although was very sexual when she mirrored me prior to meeting, had major issues with that as well.

Besides the physical intimacy. she had issues with emotional intimacy. I would be gaslighted often and told that we didn't have a deep relationship but she refused to talk to me about things.

Like you, I had the same issues throughout my relationship with her. Did you or anyone come across a situation when family and friends would tell your ex how great you were and remind them to value what they have? It seemed my ex was always preoccupied on something that she could not have.

I also believe that some of us are dealing with completely different animals. Some of us are dealing with persons who are more NPD than BPD.

The difference

BPD: These people eventually come back and recycle because at heart they are not narcissistic. As crazy as it sounds, they do feel bad about what they have done and they have empathy for you. It's just in a disordered way.

NPD: (My ex) I think these people cannot see their own faults. They have too much of a high opinion of themselves to ever come back and admit they are wrong. They will only recycle if they need something. Most likely, they will not.

I don't know about you guys, but this last experience with my ex has opened up my awareness in regards to psychology.   

[going places]

Besides the physical intimacy. she had issues with emotional intimacy. I would be gaslighted often and told that we didn't have a deep relationship but she refused to talk to me about things.

Mine would NEVER talk to me. No matter what.

Gaslighting (especially AFTER I found out about the affair) was his weapon of choice.

Like you, I had the same issues throughout my relationship with her. Did you or anyone come across a situation when family and friends would tell your ex how great you were and remind them to value what they have? It seemed my ex was always preoccupied on something that she could not have.

His grandfather would call 2x a week the first 7-8 years we were married and tell me how thankful he was that I was with _____ and what a good wife and mother I am bla bla bla, then tell the ex 'she is a blessing, bla bla bla'... .Deep inside of ex's twisted heart and mind, he was seething with anger that someone dare notice the 'good' in me. To him this was "She is being elevated above me"... .and he deeply resented me for that.

And yes, my ex was ALWAYS fixated on what he could not have. He was NEVER satisfied, never content, never happy with what he had AND WAS NOT willing to 'work for' the things he wanted... .

I also believe that some of us are dealing with completely different animals. Some of us are dealing with persons who are more NPD than BPD.

The difference

BPD: These people eventually come back and recycle because at heart they are not narcissistic. As crazy as it sounds, they do feel bad about what they have done and they have empathy for you. It's just in a disordered way.

NPD: (My ex) I think these people cannot see their own faults. They have too much of a high opinion of themselves to ever come back and admit they are wrong. They will only recycle if they need something. Most likely, they will not.

I don't know about you guys, but this last experience with my ex has opened up my awareness in regards to psychology.  

My ex is N and ASPD... .

I am so thankful to God I am no longer in a marriage or relationship with that monster!

When I started seeing an abuse advocate, I started reading text books on Psychology, Abnormal Psychology, Medical books, etc. I read everything I could get my hands on about Personality Disorders, Arrested Development, Effects of Childhood Abuse / Neglect... .

I learned so much.

[Jack2727]

Besides the physical intimacy. she had issues with emotional intimacy. I would be gaslighted often and told that we didn't have a deep relationship but she refused to talk to me about things.

Mine would NEVER talk to me. No matter what.

Gaslighting (especially AFTER I found out about the affair) was his weapon of choice.

Like you, I had the same issues throughout my relationship with her. Did you or anyone come across a situation when family and friends would tell your ex how great you were and remind them to value what they have? It seemed my ex was always preoccupied on something that she could not have.

His grandfather would call 2x a week the first 7-8 years we were married and tell me how thankful he was that I was with _____ and what a good wife and mother I am bla bla bla, then tell the ex 'she is a blessing, bla bla bla'... .Deep inside of ex's twisted heart and mind, he was seething with anger that someone dare notice the 'good' in me. To him this was "She is being elevated above me"... .and he deeply resented me for that.

And yes, my ex was ALWAYS fixated on what he could not have. He was NEVER satisfied, never content, never happy with what he had AND WAS NOT willing to 'work for' the things he wanted... .

I also believe that some of us are dealing with completely different animals. Some of us are dealing with persons who are more NPD than BPD.

The difference

BPD: These people eventually come back and recycle because at heart they are not narcissistic. As crazy as it sounds, they do feel bad about what they have done and they have empathy for you. It's just in a disordered way.

NPD: (My ex) I think these people cannot see their own faults. They have too much of a high opinion of themselves to ever come back and admit they are wrong. They will only recycle if they need something. Most likely, they will not.

I don't know about you guys, but this last experience with my ex has opened up my awareness in regards to psychology.  

My ex is N and ASPD... .

I am so thankful to God I am no longer in a marriage or relationship with that monster!

When I started seeing an abuse advocate, I started reading text books on Psychology, Abnormal Psychology, Medical books, etc. I read everything I could get my hands on about Personality Disorders, Arrested Development, Effects of Childhood Abuse / Neglect... .

I learned so much.

It's crazy how much an impact these people can have on your lives. I do believe that God brings these people into our lives to teach us lessons.

I have just started to casually date again. I was talking to one woman. I didn't meet her but I am proud of myself because I picked up on the red flags.

The old Jack would have ignored the red flags and went forward trying to be the savior. I don't want to be Superman anymore. I want a mate, not someone I need to take care of.

I think that was my CoDep problem. I would always feel bad and try to be the Knight in Shining Armour. Not again. It's almost comical to discuss how crazy this girl was that I was talking to. I'm glad my eyes are open now.

But anyways, yeah, getting back to what you are saying. I think we all know more about PD's. I always remind myself when I get down that Justin Timberlake got screwed over by Britney Spears and many women consider him to be a catch. It can happen to anyone!