Intimidation

[Parents! Get help here!]

Help!  I just got a call from my BPDil.  She called to b___, again!  I've been posting under the subject ":)o I say anything to my son?"  That thread is an important part of my story.  However, I'm going to change the topic to "Intimidation."  My dBPDil and her mother intimidate me.

I am beside myself.  Let me explain.  My dil lives 12 hours away.  But she still knows everything my husband and I do, who we talk to, what we say.  Her grandparents have started coming to our church, and we seem to have a nice, albeit new relationship with them.  Several weeks ago, as a matter of simple conversation, I told them that "our" (mutual) grandchildren were sick with some respiratory thing.  Not a big deal.  

Within an hour, I got a call from my dil. Her grandparents had called her mom, their daughter, to get the low-down. Then mom calls my dil.  :)il was mad at me because I told her grandparents and "caused them undo stress and worry.  I "apologized profusely."  I didn't know I wasn't "supposed to keep it a "secret."

Here's the present situation.  My dil is planning on having all 3 grandchildren's birthday celebration on July 4th weekend, at her home.  It's not convenient for any family, including my husband and I.  Ironically, she is coming  to our part of the country, the first week in June to celebrate her grandparents 25th wedding anniversary.  My husband and I had tossed the idea around to give the kids a little birthday.  He talked to her grandparents and they thought it was a good idea, because they can't go either.  But, REPEAT SCENARIO:  They talked to dil's mom.  Mom calls my dil.  :)il calls me to b___.  "Why didn't we talk to her first?  We hurt her feelings, etc... ."  What my dil doesn't remember is that I did mention it the last time we talked.  Anyway, I deflected to my husband.  I just told her to talk to him because he was the one that had the conversation with her grandparents.  And, I knew he won't put up with her bull.  Whereas, I was shaking in my boots.  I was INTIMIDATED.  I did not want to sit there and listen to her, about her hurt feelings, blah blah blah.  I was blind sided and shocked, as usual.  I needed time to get my thoughts together.  

This is just the most recent scenario of an ongoing drama.  None of what my dil has brought to our family goes on in a healthy family!  I WALK ON EGGSHELLS, afraid to say anything to anyone.  Even though we live at a distance.  I feel like I'm in a CONSTANT STATE OF PANIC.  I leave the phone off the hook, just in case DIL calls.  

And, I'm CONFUSED.  On one hand, I can understand her concern for her grandparents stress level, and that coming to her first about a birthday party is reasonable.  But, there is SOMETHING WRONG with all the DRAMA.  In addition, my husband and I are viewed as the BAD GUYS.  

So many things that thefixermom said in my ":)o I say anything to my son?" subject is applicable.  I want to be able to "rise above" my dil's intimidating, immature, self-centered treatment of me.   I would like to be who I am with her.  Relaxed, confident and carefree.  The person so many people do like and value.  My BPDil enjoys the power she has over me.  It's not just her . . . she and her mother have joined forces against me.  How do I become immune to this sick behavior?  It's making ME sick.

My husband says that my dil dumps on me because she knows she can.  Thanks for listening.

[SadieO]

Help!  I just got a call from my BPDil.  She called to b___, again!  I've been posting under the subject ":)o I say anything to my son?"  That thread is an important part of my story.  However, I'm going to change the topic to "Intimidation."  My dBPDil and her mother intimidate me.

I am beside myself.  Let me explain.  My dil lives 12 hours away.  But she still knows everything my husband and I do, who we talk to, what we say.  Her grandparents have started coming to our church, and we seem to have a nice, albeit new relationship with them.  Several weeks ago, as a matter of simple conversation, I told them that "our" (mutual) grandchildren were sick with some respiratory thing.  Not a big deal.  

Within an hour, I got a call from my dil. Her grandparents had called her mom, their daughter, to get the low-down. Then mom calls my dil.  :)il was mad at me because I told her grandparents and "caused them undo stress and worry.  I "apologized profusely."  I didn't know I wasn't "supposed to keep it a "secret."

Here's the present situation.  My dil is planning on having all 3 grandchildren's birthday celebration on July 4th weekend, at her home.  It's not convenient for any family, including my husband and I.  Ironically, she is coming  to our part of the country, the first week in June to celebrate her grandparents 25th wedding anniversary.  My husband and I had tossed the idea around to give the kids a little birthday.  He talked to her grandparents and they thought it was a good idea, because they can't go either.  But, REPEAT SCENARIO:  They talked to dil's mom.  Mom calls my dil.  :)il calls me to b___.  "Why didn't we talk to her first?  We hurt her feelings, etc... ."  What my dil doesn't remember is that I did mention it the last time we talked.  Anyway, I deflected to my husband.  I just told her to talk to him because he was the one that had the conversation with her grandparents.  And, I knew he won't put up with her bull.  Whereas, I was shaking in my boots.  I was INTIMIDATED.  I did not want to sit there and listen to her, about her hurt feelings, blah blah blah.  I was blind sided and shocked, as usual.  I needed time to get my thoughts together.  

This is just the most recent scenario of an ongoing drama.  None of what my dil has brought to our family goes on in a healthy family!  I WALK ON EGGSHELLS, afraid to say anything to anyone.  Even though we live at a distance.  I feel like I'm in a CONSTANT STATE OF PANIC.  I leave the phone off the hook, just in case DIL calls.  

And, I'm CONFUSED.  On one hand, I can understand her concern for her grandparents stress level, and that coming to her first about a birthday party is reasonable.  But, there is SOMETHING WRONG with all the DRAMA.  In addition, my husband and I are viewed as the BAD GUYS.  

So many things that thefixermom said in my ":)o I say anything to my son?" subject is applicable.  I want to be able to "rise above" my dil's intimidating, immature, self-centered treatment of me.   I would like to be who I am with her.  Relaxed, confident and carefree.  The person so many people do like and value.  My BPDil enjoys the power she has over me.  It's not just her . . . she and her mother have joined forces against me.  How do I become immune to this sick behavior?  It's making ME sick.

My husband says that my dil dumps on me because she knows she can.  Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Gee, SadieO, your relationship with your D-I-L sounds really familiar to me; I've had the same fears, stress and thoughts as you do, in the past... .And sometimes, even now I deal with those things from time to time, though at a much lower decibel  

In the past (my son and his wife with BPD traits have been married for 10 years now), before finding this site, I was completely befuddled by her behaviors and how she treated my Husband, my older son (the one with BPD, the reason I found this site, who lives with us), and me. I was constantly on edge, wondering what "wrong thing" I would do or say next that would set her off. I was sad all the time, mourning the loss of a good relationship with my son--her Husband--and the fact that my D-I-L and I didn't have the close relationship that I'd always hoped for.

After finding this site, and reading all of the links to the right-hand side of this page, I gained a better understanding of how her mind works, and how to use the communication tools of Validation and S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) to get a handle on dealing with her, and my son, who is very supportive of her as her Husband.

The very first thing I learned that helped right away was how to Radically Accept that she is who she is, and I can't change that. This Article explains it really well: Radical Acceptance for family members. Learning that technique is crucial to my well-being regarding the rough waters of dealing with her, and loving her.

A book that has been very helpful to me in also learning the tools and techniques on this site is this one: Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr. It has become my BPD "Bible" when I need comfort and guidance on whatever issues are going on--the index at the back makes that very easy  

Some of the hurdles I had in trying to really use Validation and S.E.T. and Radical Acceptance with them (D-I-L especially) were my difficulties when she dysregulated and accused me of things that I knew weren't true, due to my feeling guilty anyway, thinking that I must've done something "bad." What helped me with that problem, and also actually changes the way I now navigate that relationship was this Workshop: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

I'm really sorry that you are having the same stresses and troubles with your D-I-L that I have had to deal with, with my own, but I would just like to assure you that there is a way to get a handle on it, to feel more in control and less sad and overwhelmed... .If you read that Workshop I linked to above, you will see how I did it, myself  

[Panda39]

Hi SadieO,

In addition, my husband and I are viewed as the BAD GUYS.

You might also want to do some reading about splitting it sounds like some of that may be going on, here is a link... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0 

If you haven't done so already check out the tools and lesson links in the box to the right ----------------->

Panda39

[lbjnltx]

SadieO, you have gotten a lot of good advice and links to much material to go over, it's a lot.  I can identify with the anxiety you are experiencing... .before my feet hit the floor each morning I got a gripping pain in my gut... .wondering what would I have to face today with my BPD child.  I cannot stress highly enough how important it is for you to take care of and protect yourself. Getting a grip on your own emotions is essential to practicing all the skills with others.

Can you put in place some boundaries regarding being raged at, blamed, projected onto?

Boundaries can create that safe space where we protect ourselves, empower ourselves, learn new skills, and find empathy for others.

lbj

[SadieO]

Thank you everybody!    I appreciate the resources and the support.  I'll check them out.  It was good to be able to get on here and VENT!  I needed to do that.  Now that I'm calmed down, I can focus on solutions and tools.

Our dil decided not to travel back to our state for her grandparent's 25th wedding anniversary.  Her grandparents are understandably disappointed and offended.   She has a valid "reason."  A dog having puppies.  She wants to stay with her and I can relate. Part of me is relieved, though we will miss seeing our gchildren.  And, part of me wonders if she is relieved that she doesn't have to deal with us "bad guys" (splitting).  I got the feeling that she wasn't happy that my h and I were invited.  We were "crashing her party" so to speak.  

My h and I are going to the anniversary party, which I'm looking forward to.  I'm not looking forward to seeing my dil's mom.  She is so cold to us.  Isn't it interesting that dil and her mom are so much alike.  

I'm not good at "acting."  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I pray that if she is unwilling to be nice, I will be able to "rise above" the rudeness. I would so love to have an authentic relationship with her, and her daughter.  At least the rest of the family is very nice to us.  

Between now and then, I pray that I can put those boundaries

I cannot stress highly enough how important it is for you to take care of and protect yourself. Getting a grip on your own emotions is essential to practicing all the skills with others.

Can you put in place some boundaries regarding being raged at, blamed, projected onto?

Boundaries can create that safe space where we protect ourselves, empower ourselves, learn new skills, and find empathy for others.

 This is work! Blessings will come of it, I'm sure.