mind is blown

[m-and-m]

So i posted in the coparenting thread about how my ex has, in less than a year, become engaged and date set for a wedding in august, her and my daughter will be moving in with him an a few weeks. I posted in coparenting first, because my first thought was wow... .My ex and i had talked that we werent going to involve our daughter in our relationships right away. however after letting this sink in, I am kind of a mess about all this


I have made strides at getting past our failed relationship... .been seeing a T for about 9 months, my T believes she was trying to reel me back in for the first 4-5 months after the split, but i stuck to my guns. However this new news has taken me for a loop.

How is this not crazy? how is this even a possibility? I hear that it takes about a year to get over a long term relationship... .yet here she is getting married already? i know i shouldn't let it get to me... .but d@mn.   

[Beach_Babe]

That is crazy! I have no idea how they get over things so fast. I am still trying to figure that one out myself. No doubt your ex moved at warp speed. That has to be difficult still having to make contact due to the children. Is this the guy she left you for?  I know its tough, i'm sorry.

[LimboFL]

m-and-m, I haven't posted in some time, but caught your story and cannot even begin to imagine your pain. I am four months out of a four year relationship and have no idea what my ex is up to. She had lined up a replacement and I bolted.

I wanted to jump in to repeat what many others have, in relation to stories such as yours. How long do you believe your ex's new relationship is really going to last? What kind of man jumps into a marriage that quickly? and what do you think he is lining himself up for? You no longer wanted the relationship for a reason(s) and she will repeat those reasons with this new guy.

To my complete disbelief, I continue to have melancholy days despite consistent reminders of how I was treated. When these days happen, I repeat over and over in my head all of the little and big things my ex did to hurt me and it helps me to appreciate how much better off I am without her.

He is knight in shining armor, right now, but his luster will wear off quick and your ex will find herself in a big mess, a mess that you got yourself out of.

As a piece of advise, consult your lawyer, if you don't have a firm custody agreement in place for your daughter. Marriage, if it even manages to take place (I read story after story of BPD's bolting before marriage) might offer her some temporary security and she might get bold and play this new guy off as the one who is better equipped to be care taker for your daughter. There is nothing and I mean nothing that I hope for more than I am wrong, but take the precaution. The law favors mothers, it just does and proving mental illness is nearly impossible to do.

Just keep reminding yourself of why you wanted out of the relationship and also how ridiculous it is to even consider marrying someone when you have only know then for a matter of months. Normal people, especially ones who have been married before wait, because they know how long it takes to truly get to know someone, at least to the point where you are ready to commit to what is supposed to a lifetime union. The guy is probably desperate and lonely and well we know how BPD's can put on the charm to get what they want. Do you really believe that they are going to live happily ever after? I sincerely doubt it.

So now the only important part of the equation is your daughter. It has to be played delicately though, so that you don't make your ex feel like you are trying to be underhanded. Hopefully you have custody in place already.

Sit in front of the mirror and repeat all of the reason you no longer wanted to be with you ex, how she hurt you, betrayed you.

Stay strong.

[Inside]

LimboFL ... .solid advice, on all counts.  Thanks for your effort, and on a platform such as this, you’re always helping more than just the original poster

M-and-M - do stay strong ~

[LimboFL]

Thanks Inside. I hate that we all have to deal with this pain. Fortunately, despite my exBPD wanting marriage after 3 weeks, I held back and the worse things got the further I stepped away from the idea of marriage. I fell in love with her but marriage was out unless I saw a change and I didn't. I was married for 15 years, prior and I wasn't going to jump into that pool again, without the belief of a full commitment (trust/there for me etc). I never got it.

I also know the feeling of being out of control when we are struck with such heart wrenching news (replacements, marriage etc). All we can do is force ourselves back onto our feet, after each blow, and march forward with the belief that it has to get better and that we will, eventually, find partners who value us.

[clydegriffith]

This is perfectly normal to them. I too have a daugher with the Monster and she immediatley gets whatever guy she's seeing involved with her. She's "engaged" now and had kid #5 with the latest guy (allegedly) whom she pretty much uses as a babysitter.

[felix22]

The law favors mothers, it just does and proving mental illness is nearly impossible to do.

This, from my understanding is not accurate. I took a university human-development class a few years ago. One of the things that we studied was custody. Contrary to popular belief, men have an equal or better chance at gaining custody in court. Seems counter-intuitive I know, which is why I remember. I am the product of a fair custody agreement, which is also why it stuck in my mind. I imagine the man might not have a chance if he isn't a responsible character. However, I doubt that's the situation in this case. Best wishes... .

[LimboFL]

Clyde, I needed that laugh "with the Monster" ! Thank you!

[Cleveland]

oh man buddy -

my ex and I split in Sept.  We would have been together 5 years in Nov.  In Dec she introduced our D3 to her new bf.  In Jan she moved in with him.  In Feb she got engaged.  Their wedding is to be 363 days after we broke up.

[zundertowz]

My ex had 2 kids with 2 different fathers and had a handfull of 2 to 3 year live in relationship with different guys... .so for your daughters sake I would just hope this one works out but I have a feeling this wont be the last guy your daughter lives with.

[clydegriffith]

Clyde, I needed that laugh "with the Monster" ! Thank you!

You're welcome, my friend. I would call her an animal but that would be an insult to the many species that are capable of monogamy. Monster or Beast are more appropriate descriptions.

[Beach_Babe]

Mine used to smack his head and yell "oh, so only YOU see beauty in this beast.?" Yep all 312 pounds of him, said with a mouth full of ice cream.

May god bless that creature's soul, at whereever french fry stand he is at now. 

[m-and-m]

LimboFL... .That was just everything i needed to hear.

Thanks for that!

Felix... .I have 2 children from my ex wife (non) and we share custody, it works well and we both parent very well together, which is a great feeling. With my current ex... .well thats not going the greatest. Not only with all the hard feelings, but because my ex lies so much (which i still catch her in) its so hard to believe anything and the fact she was trying to take full custody of her, even though throughout the year we have been sharing! all over a dentist appointment!

Cleveland... .Oh do i know that. it took less than a year for me to receive a latter from her lawyer that states they are moving in and marrying this summer.

As soon as i heard the news... .i was sort of punched in the gut... .not as much as i expected though... .and I immediately thought it was nuts! thanks for sharing everyone.