MC tomorrow and she's playing the victim card

[Hmcbart]

We have MC in the morning and my wife is playing the victim card because of what I said last week while I was triggered.

Am I doomed when we go? I can't say anything to change what I said when I was triggered. I feel like she is doing this because of the MC. She didn't want to go initially or al least the way she reacted showed how she felt.

Her text to me:

When you asked all the negative things you've said flooded my mind for a while. I felt paralyzed because I couldn't block all the words out. I couldn't prevent myself from feeling hurt, sad, confused. I couldn't stop crying. I'm a helper and would do anything a person needs but all I could think is someone who thinks I'm worthless is asking me to do something. Confusion, hurt, sadness, took over.

I will confess that I did say she was worthless last week when I was triggered and fighting back.

I am guessing this will be her starting point at our first MC in the morning. How do I respond to something like this? I haven't texted back and most likely will not respond at all to it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I don't think you can stop her from saying what she's going to say. If you argue or get triggered, then that will not reflect well on her. The T has to know that what people say is their own point of view, and if you just let her keep talking, I think ( or hope) the situation will reveal itself over time. A good T should be able to see through this, but it takes a few sessions to get the picture. One idea is to ask privately if the T would meet with you alone for a session, so you can say your side, but I don't know if this is in accordance with how your T wants to do this.

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for the reply Wendy. I added her text to me into the earlier post. This was what I got as soon as my flight landed. Oh happy days!

[Sunfl0wer]

What are your goals for MC?

Typically my first goal going in was just to make sure he would return... .then take it from there.

What may occur is... .

She tries to throw you under the bus the first session.  -if MC is good, she will see your W is the type of person who just wants to throw you under the bus.  Is this so bad?

It may take time for MC to see who she is dealing with, that is ok, try to go in trusting the process and with an open mind.

Maybe MC will allow her to vent? Don't be discouraged, it could be MC way of allowing W to not run from the session the first visit.

Don't worry so much about looking like the bad guy or her the victim, stay focused on trying to work together... .it will show.

[Hmcbart]

Thanks sunfl0wrr.

I don't really know what my goal is at this point. I guess I'm just hoping for someone to be able to help us move through some of the em passes when have been hitting lately. Also to hopefully help her realize that all the blame and arguing isn't helping.

Things have never been great but until our first attempt at MC last year I could just ignore my emotional needs and move on. She hadn't really attempted to do anything for me in a long time anyway.

After MC I realized that marriages weren't supposed to be so one sided. That's when I started to stand up for myself and my needs in the marriage. It's been down hill ever since. The dysregulation and silent treatment went into overdrive. I guess I just don't have the strength to keep putting up with it.

I want to stay married but at this point I am not sure if it would've better for me and the kids if I leave. I'm worried about how she will act towards them if I'm not there all the time to buffer the dysregulation and absorb it the bad stuff.

Plus the fact that she cannot get a job that could support her and the boys without moving back to our home state. I can't bare to be without my boys and 9 times out of 10 the wife gets custody and you really can't prove emotional abuse to a husband. That's just the way the world works.

I am so lost at this point I'm not sure which way is up. I looking for bubbles to follow to the surface but it's too dark to see them at the moment.

[Stalwart]

Hey Hmcbart :

I know you're looking for answers but what do you think you should do?

Man, I can understand how hurtful and damaging and anger-driven being painted black, especially in a shared setting can be but I hope you've got yourself together a bit better for the return visit - if she returns after that one.

It comes down to making sure you're set on your goal and if that goal is to better your relationship I guess you already know how you feel after that slip up.

If it was me I'd be the first at bat and sincerely apologize - true or not it deserves an apology and a good heart-felt real one. It hurts to read her email. At least she can open up and talk about her feelings and actually physically cry.

There just can't be a place for anger or loss of control when you focus on your goal my friend. Put an elastic band around your wrist and keep snapping it to remind yourself that positive begets positive and negativity can only result in negativity. It might help to keep you focused away from the personal anger and hurt you feel.

I wish you well and hope you don't end looking at the undercarriage of that bus of SunflOwers.

[waverider]

How do I respond to something like this?

You answered your own question

I will confess that I did say she was worthless last week when I was triggered and fighting back.

No more needs to be said. It happens, you put your hand up, owned it and admitted it was inappropriate and shown remorse.

Less said the less it can be twisted. The more you say the more the line gets blurred and you get caught up in a blamefest. Learning how not to be baited is a relationship skill in its own right, and it is hard to do.

Keep in mind when you do this you are leading by example. Do you wish she responded like this after she has blown up.

If she goes on to amplify the drama that will send a clear  to any councellor.

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for the support guys. Yes I owned up to my words and apologized probably more than I should have. I know I will hear about this for years to come.

As far as wishing she would have responded like this. She only says things in a way that can later be turned around to say I misunderstood her.

Being run over by the bus is nothing new for me. You'd think I look for traffic before crossing the dang street.

I will be taking deep breaths at MC in the morning.

[Notwendy]

Consider that the first few sessions of MC are about the T getting a picture of what is going on. The goal of the first one, I think ( I am not a T, but I am looking in retrospect at ours) was for H to come back. For years he had refused MC. He went once and assumed that the T and I were ganging up on him and refused to come back. This wasn't the case at all. In fact, I assumed the problem with the marriage was me ( He was blaming me for that) so the session was not to target him but to hear his side. Still, he believed what he wanted to, or just made it his excuse.

So in the first session, the T targeted me. I was mad as heck. I wasn't the one who was raging in the marriage. However the T has rarely said things directly to my H, but to me it was to immediately do something about being co-dependent. I was angry that she labeled me, but not him.

Marital T has helped- and it has been a slow evolution. H has worked on some of his issues. I think I have worked much harder on mine, but I also have the perspective that for him to do his work might be much harder than it is on me, since I am more willing to accept what the T says to me. So maybe the effort is not mismatched. I've also come to realize that even if she seems to be targeting me, her more subtle approach to my H tells me she knows what is going on- with both of us. Now that H is more comfortable with her, she can say things to him. However, had she done this in the beginning, he would have walked out the door.

It's hard to tell if T is effective in a short time, and not all T's are good, but keep in mind that if you walk out of this session feeling as if you were the target, and she is the victim, it may be your T trying to see the whole picture. Your T may realize that someone playing the victim card will likely do it in the office and refuse to come back. Over time though, your patterns of interaction may become clear to the T, and (s)he may help you, while taking into account that the way to help you might be to not treat you both in the same manner. I'd say let this play out for a few sessions so (s)he can get the bigger picture.

[Hmcbart]

Just completed the first session. I sat quietly for most of the session. I would speak up after she would say something that was not true or accurate. I owned up to anything that I have done or said as well.

When asked why we were there, we both told her better communication but my wife added anger issues and pointed at me. The T asked if there was ever any physical abuse. I said no and my wife said it was close once. I asked if it was her going to hit me and she said you remember the time in the closet. I just shook my head at that point.

The time in the closet that she says was close to physical abuse was me telling her that if she continued to treat our oldest done the way she was I would kick her out of the house. She at that point said to me "your threatening me with bodily harm!" I asked her what the h3ll she was talking about and she said that she would not leave so I would have to physically throw her out which was threatening her with bodily harm. That was over 2 years ago.

The T did a good job as far as I could tell not taking any one side. There were a few moments where she seemed to have a very concerned look on her face with some things that were said. She has asked if we are willing to let her speak to our previous therapist to get a better idea of our situations. This is something I want to happen very much.

[formflier]

 

Apologizing:  What does apologizing more than you should look like?

Are you guys religious? 

To me... .there is a big difference in apologizing and asking for forgiveness.

The other person can refuse to grant forgiveness... .they really can refuse to let you apologize.

Anyway... .apologize once... .and move along.  Don't look back... .you may even screw up again... .apologize for that... .once... .and move along.

If she wants to bring this up in the future... ."help me understand how discussing this will strengthen our r/s... ."

If she goes blamefest... .walk away.  If there seems to be a reasonable point or respectful conversation... .continue until it is not respectful.

Thoughts?

FF

[Hmcbart]

Walk away, that's my go to move these days. It's almost always a blame fest. I wish I could figure out what's changed. I don't remember it being this bad in the past. But then again, I just came out of the fog last year.