Advice please on how to word the NC response via phone or text please.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello.

This place has been so healing for me!  I feel so much better about myself now.  Still have odd moments of intense anger at Mother or intense sadness (grief I  suppose is what it is) but am learning to listen then gently let go of these feelings.

Anyway since my Mother left and went back home I haven't heard from her (brilliant!).  It's been six weeks.  Odd as she would normally have phoned, not that I am complaining.  But I know she will be working herself up to phone me.  And I need a non-confrontatonal way to tell her that she is not welcome in my life now as she is unhealthy for me.  That way we will be on the same page.  I would like her to know too that her funeral will be paid by my husband but that will be the end to any involvement we have in her life.

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.  Every conversation I have in my head with her sounds wrong and I can hear her getting very angry and then the name calling will start.  Which wouldn't be a bad thing as then I could happily hang up on her and walk away.  But I'd rather do it in an adult fashion, does that make any sense?

Cheers Guys

[happykiwi]

Hello.

This place has been so healing for me!  I feel so much better about myself now.  Still have odd moments of intense anger at Mother or intense sadness (grief I  suppose is what it is) but am learning to listen then gently let go of these feelings.

Anyway since my Mother left and went back home I haven't heard from her (brilliant!).  It's been six weeks.  Odd as she would normally have phoned, not that I am complaining.  But I know she will be working herself up to phone me.  And I need a non-confrontatonal way to tell her that she is not welcome in my life now as she is unhealthy for me.  That way we will be on the same page.  I would like her to know too that her funeral will be paid by my husband but that will be the end to any involvement we have in her life.

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.  Every conversation I have in my head with her sounds wrong and I can hear her getting very angry and then the name calling will start.  Which wouldn't be a bad thing as then I could happily hang up on her and walk away.  But I'd rather do it in an adult fashion, does that make any sense?

Cheers Guys

[Panda39]

Hi happykiwi,

Why don't you post what you have in mind and we the BPD Family of "editors  " can help you tweek it.

Panda39

[happykiwi]

Good idea.  Well it sort of goes like

" I'm unable to have any contact with you as I feel our relationship is unhealthy and that is not acceptable for me.  But we will cover your funeral whenever that happens as you expect. Goodbye."

Too brutal?  Would rather do it verbally as then she wont have any written evidence.  What I would really like to say is "you are a crazy, selfish, egocentric, appalling human being and I dislike being around you as your energy makes me ill. So f**k off."  But I wont as that would achieve nothing and then make me look like the crazy one in her weird head .

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

[Missp]

Hi.  I am new (1 week) to this board.

You  sound like you have had a difficult time with your mum and, understandably, want it to be different.

I think what you are suggesting saying to her is a little brutal.  It could seem to her that mentioning her future funeral means you want to fast forward to that time.  I believe that she could experience that as very painful.

My mum has undiagnosed aspergers/personality disorder and has been tricky to deal with over the years. Severing all ties with her would have meant pain all round.  She now has diagnosed Altzheimers and becomes more affectionate to me, as her disease progresses.

[Linda Maria]

Hi happykiwi!  Sorry to hear of your difficult situation.  NC was the thing that saved me from going mad when my uBPDsis started a hateful smear campaign after my Mum died.  So I totally understand where you are coming from.  I am interested as to why you feel you have to write or text or phone?  In my case - any and all communication from me, or anyone connected with me triggered hate mail from my sister, so I went as NC as I could without actually stating the fact.  I didn't see any point.  I only responded directly to her when it was absolutely necessary and just kept it strictly business and neutral and ignored anything else she had said.  I understand that for some it is necessary to be upfront about it, and I can see how that means sort of drawing a line, making things clear, and in some ways is a sort of courtesy to the pwBPD.  But I think it's possible that if you send a text or letter, or ring her to say this - it will just trigger yet another nasty reaction - I may be wrong.  Then it just goes round and round.  If you prefer to do it by phone rather than have something on the record, I would think about what you want to say, and type it out and have it ready when her next phone call comes.  Then you are prepared.  If she rings - you can chime in and say - "I'm glad you've called - there is something important that I need to say to you... ."  One good thing about going on the record - if you say it in a way you will not later regret, is that it is there in black and white if she drags other people into it and lies about what you have said.  But maybe she doesn't do that - my uBPDsis kept telling all these lies to other people, so any future communications I had I always held the moral high ground, never got into name calling or blaming, and always copied other people in where possible (in my case it was solicitors and estate agents) so I had "witnesses" as to what had been said.  If you do write something - I agree with the other comment - I would soften wording around the funeral expenses - something more like - "while I don't wish to be morbid, you have in the past mentioned how your funeral would be paid for, and rest assured, when that time comes XXXX will cover all expenses, so we don't want you to have any concerns on that score."    This may be quite inappropriate for you - I don't know your history and situation  - but if you are going to send her a "final" letter as it were, its worth taking some time to really carefully word it, so that you never have to feel bad about anything you have said.  I wish you well.

[Panda39]

I'm unable to have any contact with you as I feel our relationship is unhealthy and that is not acceptable for me.  But we will cover your funeral whenever that happens as you expect. Goodbye

Hi happykiwi,

I'd leave the funeral part off too.  I know from another tread that it is something she expects you to do and that you feel obligated to do, so that is why you mention it here but I don't think it's necessary.

I also understand you want to be clear with your mom about your intentions and that this is why you want to tell her you will be going NC.  There are two schools of thought on these boards some people like you want to formally break things off verbally before going NC and others don't feel the need to do that and just break things off.  I think it's a personal choice.

I would suggest a text message vs a phone call.  With a text message you can send your message and turn off the phone and never look back.  With a phone call yes you can have your say and hang up but I think more than likely your statement will lead to an argument and more drama.  What you are doing is not about more drama it's about protecting yourself from the drama while you work on healing, so engaging in more doesn't make sense to me.  If you want to do it over the phone think about why.  Is it easier be to do it that way, is this the way the 2 of you communicate most often, or is it because you want to hurt her like she has hurt you and you want to hear her hurt before going NC.  Just look at your motivation for communicating it either way.

How about something like... .

Mom,

I have felt for sometime that our relationship is unhealthy and have come to the conclusion that this relationship is no longer acceptable to me.   I have chosen (this is your boundary so say it) to no longer have any contact with you for my own mental health.

Panda39

[happykiwi]

Thank you very much everyone for your replies.

Yes the funeral bit is harsh but I still feel a lot of resentment at a conversation we had where she stated quite clearly that I would pay for it.  With no responsibility on her part.  Man who does that to their kid?  She just fritters any money she has on herself.  Anyway ... .  I wont include it.

Panda39 I love what your phrased   I shall print it out and keep it with me for the time she decides she wants to ring me.  It is concise and not at all emotive.  Just not having her calling me is a blessing but the anxiety is creeping in as every time my phone rings I look to see if it is her ID.  It's like being in a horror movie, the suspense is building, I don't know when the monster will pop up.

The thing that makes me laugh is that she probably thinks she is punishing me by not calling me.  Her mind is so weird.  I look forward to never hearing from her ever again.  Interestingly my husband and I realised his mother was a unBPDm too.  She now has severe dementia so is no longer in our lives and lives on the other side of the country too.

[Boxernanna]

When I went NC with my parents, I told them in person, when they were getting ready to leave my house after an exhausting, drama-filled visit. I simply said " I can't live this craziness anymore. If you refuse to get professional help, you can't be a part of my life anymore. I am going to run an errand, which will take an hour. When I return, I want you gone." There were no goodbyes. They were angry and giving me the silent treatment, so it was easy. Their numbers are blocked and I don't worry about emails. They are too lazy to write.

My counselor has me journal my memories and feelings. I have had to journal letters to both of my parents, confronting them and explaining my NC. I have written 5 or 6 different ones. These letters are for me to work through my feelings, not to mail. Very therapeutic.

My parents are firmly in denial. They believe they have done nothing wrong. To spend time On the phone or actually sending them a real letter would be a total waste of emotional energy and time. They have no insight and it would delay the NC. They would insist on having the final word.

[educator]

One of the things I remember reading on here or another board is that we are never really NC (no contact), but rather NR (no response). 

We were blissfully NC with my MIL for 3 and a half years, but it was never really NC.  She actually walked out on us, then kept harassing us and our DD's.  DH wrote a similar text to her, 6 months into our NC (really attempt at NR) and basically said he wasn't ready to talk to her yet.  That was it.  I think Panda gave you excellent advice with the text.

My question for you is... .what will you do when she responds to it?  Will you respond back?  During our NC, my MIL loved to send us nasty postcards and send the DD's birthday cards, etc.  Sometimes DH and I caved and responded to them. But, it just made things worse.  My MIL is currently shunning me, but talking to DH.  So, I'm taking her up on it and refused to speak to her as well.  I am just thinking you might want to be prepared for her response.  It was helpful to me to block MIL's phone number as well as her email.  I know some people put filters on their email as well.  Thing is... .once you send that to her, I think you're going to awaken a beast.

[Vatz]

If you no longer depend on the person, then you owe them nothing.

Keep the message as neutral as possible, don't mention "someday" and make it clear you do not want to be contacted.