Combating the "run"

[cloudten]

So- Here I am... .as white as white can be with my BPDbf. It's like I have died and gone to heaven. It's what a real, relationship is supposed to be like with occasional rages. We are not married, do not have children together, and do not live together (although we did live together for a year when I couldn't take it anymore).

I have 3 people in my personal "real" life that have all entered my life recently.  Each are a NON with a BPD spouse, ex-spouse, or ex-gf.  All three of them tell me to run... .and run like hell.

I don't want to run. (I have ROCD, so believe me, not wanting to run is a huge huge deal to me!)

I am so deeply in love with my bf. We are discussing plans for the future.  However, I feel like God or the Universe or whatever power that be is trying to tell me to run. Each one of these people have come into my life with worse and worse stories, and are more adamant about my dumping him. I do have to say, they are all rather compelling.

Add that to people here telling me to run. It can be frustrating.

What do you to combat everyone telling you to run? What do you do to combat the stigma? 

I know I am taking a huge risk of this turning out like my 3 friends or worse. I KNOW that this could be a terrible tragedy.  At this point- as white as I am and loving it- it is a risk I am willing to take... .but at what cost? 3 children, bankruptcy, suicide attempts, and another divorce in my book. Am I willing to wait for that or let that happen? I don't know. It's something I struggle with every day.

This last woman who came into my life said her soon-to-be exBPDh was amazing, even after they were married, until they had children... .then it was hell.

I want to think we can overcome that. I want to think they don't all go horribly wrong! He is doing so well in therapy... .the changes are remarkable. Honestly, I don't expect them to last, and I do have boundaries in place if they don't last. I know I am whiter than white right now--- but I do expect to be thrown into blacker than black at some point. But what if that point is 5 years down the road after we've had our first child? Do they ever rebound from that?

Everything is just starting to be so in my face not to do something that feels so right right now. So conflicted.

I am just feeling conflicted today.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Arcturus81]

First I would like to day that I commend you for wanting to stay and make things better. I can completely understand why you are wanting to stay and make things perfect. There is just one thing you haven't experienced though. Being painted black. The reason your friends are telling you to run is because being painted black is the single most painful thing you will ever experience.

I am not exaggerating one bit.

The detaching forum is full of people like myself who are still healing from being painted black days, months, and even years afterwards.

Do as much research as you can on being painted black. It will happen eventually but there is still hope for the relationship if you can power through it.

I really do wish you the best and hope it works out.

[Fian]

I recommend that you need spend a longer time in the relationship, and experience the "black" a few times before making a long term decision with your bf.  If you think you can handle the blacks, and see that your bf is actively trying to control himself during the black periods, then I think it is possible to have a successful relationship with a BPD.  You just need more time to see your bf when he is not on his best behavior, and decide if that is something that you can live with.

[Stalwart]

Hey  Cloudten:

Glad to see you here and I’d like to spend a couple of minutes with you.

Just so you know, wow, have I been in the position where everyone I know including her own family and professionals and my family and friends telling me to run. It’s a struggle to fight that tide. I’m going to just speculate for one minute but I knew in my heart what was right for me and for her. I think maybe you do too but you’re struggling with all the turbulence.

There really are success stories and it is so possible to do. But that doesn't mean it's easy to do. I live in one with my wife who is diagnosed BPD and yes, there are other complications and comorbidities as well that are common to it.

You have all the makings and possibilities of living that as well. It can happen. The question and challenge is can you dedicate yourself in the right and positive directions to stay on course and make that happen? Understanding, you also know the risks and you do - But do you know the possibilities?

Your SO recognizes and accepts his disorder and is actively trying his best to improve himself. That’s huge. That's challenging and that’s so positive and in the right direction.

Does he want you and this as much as you want him and this?

I don’t want to take up the space with my past so leave it saying that I lived in what developed into Dante’s Inferno after nine years of marriage to my then, undiagnosed wife.

Coming to awareness of her problem and my challenges were life changing. She accepted her diagnosis and is also in therapy.

For my part, I started to learn and as a writer/researcher believe me, I took it on with diligence. I still do three years later, there's so much to learn.  It was our lives at stake. The real important thing is I learned how to change myself. I turned the page and put all of the dark past, hurt and desperation in the past. It’s been a huge challenge but I’ve grown so much and learned to be such a different person that can accommodate the difficulties. You already know you can’t change him but by focusing in on yourself and what you can do to change yourself so entirely has the possibility of changing the entire dynamics of your relationship together.

I’ll end with this. Three years later my wife for her part and for her work in this is so incredible and I really enjoy giving her that credit. Long way to go still, but her therapy has been remarkable. We have been able together to turn our lives around into relative harmony and bring so much love back into it. Strength and direction is all about hope and seeing even glimpses of that in your future to guide you. Do you have hope and vision?

Leaving the past behind is a challenge and if you believe it’s in the past – let it stay there. You've learned by it. If it's in the past don’t let it inhibit your possibilities of the future.

I’m not here to tell you what to do. Only you have that decision locked inside the fears and confusion and wants.

You’ve probably been through a lot and learned so much already. It all comes down to one thing and that’s WANT. Do you WANT this and are you dedicated and determined enough to steer the course and break trail to clear the path of your relationship?

It so sounds to me like you believe you are.

If you put your gut feelings from the past aside, what does your heart tell you to do Cloudten?

[an0ught]

Hi cloudten,

simply you don't. Let the people talk.

What would happen if you combat it? You invalidate the other person and they may well push harder.

And yes, they are invalidating you, triggering you and it totally sucks  . Non's on the well trodden BPD path   

You have two options:

  - Validate them, verbalize your understanding of their point. It is THEIR opinion and validating them pushes their ideas out of your head an back to them.

  - Boundaries - keep it short and move on to another topic or leave.

It is your choice to take a risk. You are doing your best to manage it like reflecting here on the board. There are real costs that come with your choice. There is also quite some growth potential for you. Not taking this risk would be taking other risks e.g. breaking up without healing and growing yourself comes with a significant risk to again run into similar situations. But don't tell your friends - this would just invalidate them  .

[iluminati]

First of all, I wouldn't tell someone to run JUST because they're with someone with BPD.  Every relationship has their own dynamic.  Also, if they've recently come into your life, they may not have any idea of where your boyfriend is with his recovery.  He may be diligently getting help.  He may be in full trigger mode 24/7.  From the outside looking in, I can't tell, so I can't give you an intelligent response.

My thing is that you need to be honest with yourself and the details of your situation.  If the situation works for you, then work it.  Do your best, work the tools and move on with your life.