Our ex vs. another type of mentally disordered / ill person

[AwakenedOne]

This is for members of the Leaving Board to ponder.

I don't mean to offend anyone.

Feeling sorry for your ex?

Our ex vs. another mentally disordered / ill person.

The Wave

The last time that I saw my wife she was waving to me about 9 months ago in the most weird way from about 10 feet away. I didn't wave back. I just stared into her eyes trying to see what was in there deep behind the eye balls and into her soul. I was unsuccessful in finding out in that 5 second gaze. Just an aura of darkness. I turned and walked away.  

Every day when I drive to work through a small neighborhood I use as a shortcut I see a man outside. He's a middle aged man and always has a 7-11 Big Gulp cup in his hand drinking or is just holding it and standing about 3 feet from the street in his yard. He paces up and down very casually morning and late afternoon and stands also just looking around. He is always smiling. He seems like he has one purpose on this earth. That purpose is to wave at people. I feel sorry for him. Looking in his eyes he seems like he is a nice person. Sometimes when I wave he yells out "hey" back to me. I wave at him now before he even waves to me out of compassion.

What's the difference in this guy and my or your ex?

I can't bring myself to ever wave at my ex again. I'd rather wave at this stranger.

[cosmonaut]

I think you know the answer.  It's because this man hasn't hurt you in the way your ex hurt you.  You still have a great deal of anger toward her, and it's justified.  You have every right to be angry about what she did to you.  Do you think you might be able to forgive her some day?  That doesn't mean that we excuse what she did, but it does mean that we let it go.  At a certain point, I think anger can hold us back.  What do you think about that?

[AwakenedOne]

I think you know the answer.  It's because this man hasn't hurt you in the way your ex hurt you.  You still have a great deal of anger toward her, and it's justified.  You have every right to be angry about what she did to you.  :)o you think you might be able to forgive her some day?  That doesn't mean that we excuse what she did, but it does mean that we let it go.  At a certain point, I think anger can hold us back.  What do you think about that?

Hi Cosmonaut,

Thanks for your response. Forgiveness is my goal and I will do that at some point hopefully. I'd prefer sooner than later but I am not there quite yet. I can't rush it. The two goals of mine have been to let go of the love and let go of the anger. The love is basically at 0%. I can't remove the anger as easily. I don't even think about her 99% of the time though.

Coming across disordered individuals seems to trigger me in some ways.

Two weeks ago the following incident triggered me worse than seeing that guy who waves.

I was at an internet cafe two weeks ago surfing the net while doing job related research and a woman asked me a couple questions about computers across the café in a bit too loud of a voice for the setting. She then walked over and sat at my table uninvited. I thought she was just going to ask another question and leave. I told her I'm no expert at all. She didn't get up and started talking about her troubles and how she thought we should date because she really liked something about me. At least she wasn't embarrassing us by talking loud across the cafe I figured and hopefully she would leave the table in a minute. As of then I had said minimal words to her. Then she said she has bi polar and doesn't take meds for it and is heavily in debt. Asked me if I heard of the name of a certain city. The city she named was the one we were at! At that second I wished I could teleport out of there. Then she told me she used to live in a mental institution. All this happened in roughly 5 minutes time. I had enough of her at that point and even way before that point. I started to close my computer with the intention of saying "bye I have to leave". She said something that I didn't catch exactly. She got extremely angry that I didn't listen correctly to what she had said. Picture a female version of Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" when he had the ax. That's what she looked like, no exaggeration. I paused to not close the computer case out of wondering what is going to happen. She says she must go out and have a smoke and she will be right back. I didn't respond. I went out the other exit.

[Olivia_D]

She was waving goodbye--you have said your goodbyes to her; whereas, the man is waving hello.  I would wave at the one saying hello, too.

[cosmonaut]

Coming across disordered individuals seems to trigger me in some ways.

Two weeks ago the following incident triggered me worse than seeing that guy who waves.

Do you think that your ex is the root of this trigger or is there something else that is being brought up?  Triggers are really important for us to pay attention to, because they not only have such a deep effect on us emotionally, but they also indicate that there is an unresolved wound.  It's really good that you are noticing these things.

I understand about forgiving your ex.  It's a hard process when you have been so terribly hurt, and I know that your ex was very cruel to you.  It's natural to be angry about that.  It will take time for sure to let that resolve.  One of the things that really helped me was realizing that my ex is sick, she did not choose to be sick, and her behaviors were a result of her sickness.  That helped me to let go of a lot of my anger.

[AwakenedOne]

Coming across disordered individuals seems to trigger me in some ways.

Two weeks ago the following incident triggered me worse than seeing that guy who waves.

Do you think that your ex is the root of this trigger or is there something else that is being brought up?  Triggers are really important for us to pay attention to, because they not only have such a deep effect on us emotionally, but they also indicate that there is an unresolved wound.  It's really good that you are noticing these things.

I understand about forgiving your ex.  It's a hard process when you have been so terribly hurt, and I know that your ex was very cruel to you.  It's natural to be angry about that.  It will take time for sure to let that resolve.  One of the things that really helped me was realizing that my ex is sick, she did not choose to be sick, and her behaviors were a result of her sickness.  That helped me to let go of a lot of my anger.

It's my ex.

I consciously or subconsciously now compare mentally ill people to my x wife. 

The woman at the cafe had a hair trigger anger similar to that of my wife. When she freaked out over me not hearing her correctly I had flashbacks of my violent wife. The woman at the cafe is a lot more mentally ill than my wife though. The guy who waves triggers me to think about my x wife and the disordered marriage memories. Maybe I should drive a different route not to go through the reminder.

[cosmonaut]

I would recommend working on healing that hurt deep inside of you rather than avoiding it.  Trying to avoid triggers is one that works in the short term, but fails in the long term.  While this is all still so fresh, perhaps going a different route might help to keep you feeling more emotionally balanced.  Ultimately, healing that core wound is what will free you from the trigger to begin with.  I'm not telling you anything you don't already know - just reinforcing it for you.  Healing our core wounds is what will lead us to acceptance and freedom.  It's a process I'm still working through as well.

Do you have a therapist that you work with?  That has helped me a great deal in processing my relationship and healing from it.  I know it's not an option for everyone, however.  We can still investigate these issues on our own, but it is helpful to have a guide.

I do think that trying to forgive your ex will help you, AO.  I say this with only kindness, because I truly understand how justified your anger is.  I think you may still be trying to come to grips with the fact that your ex did what she did because she is disordered, rather than out of malice.  Perhaps something that you could try, is to visualize and imagine what it might like to be her.   What a day might be like in her shoes.  Only you can say if that will help.  For me, being able to see that my ex is disordered is liberating.  It allows me to depersonalize so much of the behavior and realize that it was a reaction to emotional intimacy.  It was because she was so close to me, that she became so dysregulated.  It wasn't because she hates me.

[Infared]

I don't know about another type of mentally disordered person... .but I will touch on the waving thing. My ex deceived me and ran off with another out of our home. After a short period of bargaining and shock (she was also lying and saying that there was not another man). I was really confused there for a little while and once I saw what was REALLY a going on, I worked very hard at maintaining NC absolutely.

Not long after I was driving down a road in traffic from the beach with my surfboard on the roof of my car... .therefore I was clearly identifiable from a distance.

So... .I could not help but look at the oncoming traffic as there is a cute blonde with her whole head hanging out the drivers side window, waving to beat the band?

I have trouble always realizing that she is mentally ill. When I do, I am less angry about the way I was treated.  When I think of her as a non-disordered person I still get very angry.

Oh... .I did not wave back... .I was just in shock, perhaps catching flies with my open mouth.

Can someone explain that to me?

[AwakenedOne]

I think you may still be trying to come to grips with the fact that your ex did what she did because she is disordered, rather than out of malice.

Yes, this is my #1 thing I would like to sort out. Might be impossible though.

Some but not all of what she did I believe was clearly out of malice.

Goldylamont (a member) wrote a couple threads here about something he called "purposeful punishment" which he and some other members he believes have experienced by their BPD ex. That describes my ex well.

90% of the total cruel actions I'd estimate would fall into the supposedly "disordered made her do it" category though. I don't think she typically set out daily to do me harm. I think it was a release for her. Allowed her to play victim and provided some warped entertainment for her in acting out her revenge / punishments on me.

What it's like to be in her shoes... .I thought much about that during the marriage. That's why I stayed with her. Just because she raged and was selfish didn't mean I could leave the marriage according to God. I had no clue she had BPD though. I knew she was "troubled" and had a huge anger problem. She very possibly could one day commit suicide or murder someone.

I don't see a therapist.  God is who I have turned to on all of this. I have come a long way in a year with His help. He gave me my dream job during this time also.