My Life Just Fell Apart

[Love82]

I was in a relationship that would've been 7 years in October.  We had picked out rings, I thought definitely headed towards marriage (though this has been a long road) and were happy as far as I knew. Just as background, my ex (of only 2 wks at this point) has a traumatic brain injury at age 20.  We're 32 now and the years I have been with him have been very formative.  I supported & encouraged him to go back to work, school, and become more independent from his family (he was living at home)

I had a weird dream 2 wks ago that he was involved in some sexual situation with 2 other women. I woke up, and quickly asked to see his phone, Facebook, etc. (Mind you I haven't gone through those things since we've been together) Well I found a ridiculous amount of information - nude exhibionist style pics of him, one where he was with another woman partially clothed, he's in this xxx rated facebook group where they're trading comments about who would sleep with who - virtually a whole new world for me and a double life for him.

I saw he repeatedly told other women how cute/sexy they were etc.  It was madness. When asked about it he said "well I've been hurt before" and "I wanted to be more like my friends." I threw him & his stuff out in a complete rage. I was horrified to see this is who claimed to love me all these years. During our time apart he sent texts saying "sorry for all the hurt I've caused" but I didn't answer -b/c he should call or come by at the very least. We have spoken in person once - and he still didn't have too much to say, he said "it was just something to do" and "I don't know why I do the things I do & hurt the most important person in my life." I showed him symptoms of histrionic personality disorder & he agreed he had these tendencies.  When I look at borderline, I can see some of those as well.  HELP! I am emotionally devastated and he refuses to talk to me (possibly devaluation) and says "I need time, I will get better."  We have spoken/been together physically for literally the last 7 years. I am devastated & cry hysterically whenever I'm alone b/c this is so out of the blue for me.

[JohnLove]

Hello Love82. Sorry to hear of your emotionally charged situation. It's funny how things come to us in dreams. There must have been other symptoms or red flags and you've missed them... .but your subconscious didn't.

I will say guys will be guys, he seems like a leaf floating in the breeze, pwBPD can be like this. Poor executive control they call it.

He has admitted that he has ISSUES that you have brought to his attention. He seems to be very honest with you about this. He allowed you access to his phone (which he wouldn't have if he was hiding) and your reported statements from him seem upfront for a pwBPD.

I can understand your outrage PERFECTLY. I would be incredibly upset and that behaviour is deal breaker stuff for me in an intimate relationship... .but I don't think he fully understands or "gets it". You will have o explain your feelings to him... .and if he is receptive and protective in the least about the relationship he should give up on that behaviour.

I don't think he REALLY understands what he has done to you on an emotional level... .I bet he is connected with and attached to you but has little idea what he has done and how it has affected you.

I think he gets "something" now that you have been enraged at him. I suspect this is why he is keeping his distance from you. He is frightened, worried, like a little boy. He doesn't want that reaction from you again (I'm going to suggest it caused him a lot of hurt)... .but it might be the female role in this situation for you to take the lead because he may feel he has done little wrong and you are the one that has abandoned him (I know, I know). But it is highly likely that you will need to take direct action if you want to save this relationship.

The BPD thing, the histrionic thing, the brain injury thing, are all going to have a major bearing on his behaviour... .

See if you can meet him on his level. See if you can connect. Process everything. Talk it through. See where you are then. That's my suggestion to you.

[HowCouldYou]

I am sorry you are going through this. My life fell apart under similar conditions a few years ago when out of the blue, I caught my BPD/HPD wife of 20 plus years addicted to cybersex and involved with hundreds of men behind my back.

I was devastated. She lied about her involvement level and it took months to get a good idea of what she had done.

She told me she never thought about how it would effect me while she was doing it. She said she was rationalized her actions and felt guilt, but could not stop. She said she wanted the men to want her. The "hotter" they were the better she felt about herself. "If he wants me then I must be something" kind of a thing.

I have always found her extremely attractive and have always let her know in every way possible. I couldn't keep her bucket full no matter what.

Don't blame yourself for his actions, or missing the signs. He has a problem.

You didn't cause it, you can't fix it and you can't control it.

They can compartmentalize and be different people in different situations. Attention from strange others can be more important than from their significant others. And the fantasy aspect of the internet can make them feel like it isn't real, but you and I are left with the very real effects of their selfish actions.

Don't listen to the guys will be guys crap. Nobody told me that Gals will be Gals when I told them what happened. You either love and respect your mate or you don't, Regardless of your sexual organs or orientations.

He should be begging for forgiveness right now. I recommend you talk to a counselor familiar with cluster B personality disorders and try not to worry what he is doing or not doing. You have been traumatized and need to put yourself first and foremost.

Take care.

[Love82]

Thanks to both of you. I am making an appointment to speak with a counselor next week. This will help bc outside of this board and his mom I haven't told a soul. I'm afraid my family will go nuts as they've seen firsthand how much I've done to help and love him from the beginning. I literally can't believe this is happening. I hope things will change soon, to your point I'm reading on how to communicate with him in this type of situation and it almost seems that my rage and feelings wont be foremost with him and I'll need to create an atmosphere of trust in order to get anywhere in terms of discussion. This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with in my life but I love him in spite of everything. I feel he loves me too but he needs professional help to see himself correctly. I also see independent tendencies in both of us as well.

[Love82]

Codependent

[apollotech]

Hi Love82,

"I don't know why I do the things I do & hurt the most important person in my life."

Do you think that his proclamation, above, might possibly be the truth? Have there been examples from y'all's past that might support this, not necessarily infidelity? Histrionics is about the need/compulsion to have/create drama. It would seem if that was the case here, he would attempt to stay engaged with you as that would create more drama. Take a close look at his past behaviors regarding his bond with you, have you ever seen anything like this before from him?


JohnLove,

Some guys aren't guys will be guys as you have painted all of us. In fact, the guy addressing you right now has never, not one time, been unfaithful to a partner. That includes emotional infidelity as well for this guy. Some guys do have integrity and self-esteem/respect and do respect the people and relationships that they have been involved with/in.

[vortex of confusion]

Hi Love82!

You might do some research on sex addiction. Sex addicts do that kind of stuff because they lack impulse control. My husband is in a 12 step program for sex addicts. To this day, I still don't think he comprehends how much some of the stuff that he has done has hurt me. It is like there is a disconnect or something. He is the one that hurt me and did all of this stuff. I feel like he should be begging for my forgiveness or falling all over himself to show me that things are different. He is trying but his idea of trying is bogus in my opinion.

A good book that talks a lot about that horrible feeling you get when you find out about your partner living a double life that involves sex or stuff of a sexual nature is "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse".

[Love82]

Apollotech yes I do believe what he said about hurting me. I believe that he is sorry but literally seems to be in a world of his own w/ the shame/guilt.  Yes histrionics is abt keeping the drama going but I also am reading more about borderline personality disorder and the need for them to divert/disassociate/use devaluation to get away from guilt/shame asap.  The one time I've spoken with him in the last 2 wks he was in a bar and refused to answer my call saying "I need to clear these demons out, I am so ashamed of what I've done to you." My first inclination was this is such a load of bs, get your ass out of the bar and talk to me as a real man should. I also said some pretty choice words but I see these furthered his fear of rejection/abandonment I'm sure. 

It's almost like he's abandoning me because I broke up with him as consequence to what he did.  But it's baffling b/c we were literally glued together for the last 7 years.  Did I mention I can see his instagram/facebook he's drinking crazy heavy? (He left it up on my computer & I'm not logging out of it - though it is unhealthy for me to spy). He usually was pretty clingy for the majority of the relationship - as was I.

Vortex you're dead on w/ the sex addict thing. He had a porn collection which bothered me at first and then it didn't as much b/c he seemed bored with it & actually started giving it away.  Then it seemed like he just went left and developed this double life. I'm pretty sure it developed within the last couple of yrs of our relationship. I have decided to just let him contact me - and to not reach out. I have no idea why I want to continue a relationship with him but something tells me this isn't him but it definitely is his actions. What I am doing is reading a book on loving someone with borderline personality disorder and it hits on a lot of his triggers and how to deal with them. Specifically when he does reach out I know I can't solve everything, but I want to react in a way that doesn't push him away again so we can at least have a decent conversation about where we are.

[apollotech]

Love82,

These are just some thoughts of what may be going on with your guy if he is afflicted with BPD:

"We had picked out rings, I thought definitely headed towards marriage... ."

This could very well have triggered Fear of Engulfment in him. A Borderline cannot self-regulate strong emotions/feelings. If he becomes too overwhelmed, that could possibly result in him pushing you away to create distance between y'all. The deplorable behavior that you're seeing could possibly be the vehicle that he is using to generate said distance. These are rhetorical questions for you to answer for yourself: How well does he deal with intimacy, not sex, but intimacy? Does he provide intimacy? Does he seem distant or angry after intimacy? Is he difficult to be close with? Does he attempt to avoid intimacy?

"It's almost like he's abandoning me because I broke up with him as consequence to what he did."

This too is creating distance between y'all. To me, this does not look like Fear of Abandonment triggered as that usually generates a pull reflex as the love interest, you, is too far away. Of course, it may be triggered and he's abandoning you first. Is there another attachment interest, exgf, ex wife, close friend (not necessarily female), close family member, etc. that he can quickly attach to? A pwBPD is consumed with attachments and will very likely not be without one for very long.

Distance has been created between y'all. "How" is this distance serving him?

[Love82]

So we're back speaking again.  He did reach out to me late at night (of course) and now I look on his Instagram and of course he had been out drinking the night before (& drinking all wknd).  I didn't speak to him that night but later that day. He said for what it was worth he was so sorry for how things have turned out. He sounded genuine. I asked was he sorry about his actions or that he got caught, and he said "now what I've done has made us sad." I said I was very hurt, thought he liked our live together and what we had created which he said he missed.

I could ignore his call and had in the past but I figured what sense would that make when I really wanted to talk with him. I'm doing the passive aggressive thing right now. It seems he wants to stay away from talking about the issues BUT I feel like there's so many things left unsaid. So I'm taking it his pace so he will not push away, and I can tell very quickly when he's ready to push away b/c he'll say "you know what, I'm talking about us" or "you know what, I just wanted to say I love you that's all."  He sent me a mini recording saying I love you over and over

Sigh, he really is a good guy but did/does horrible things. Ie logged onto his facebook and I see he posted a penis pic  in this XXX rated group he's in. I'm like and you don't see this type of behavior is destructive? I think he knows now as he made a mention that he was going to get off all social media b/c there's too much temptation etc. So I think he thinks twice now, but still doing the same things just not as frequently.

He is very impulsive, ie the day we tried on rings we left church (which is a hoot considering all that Im discussing) and he literally dragged me into jewelry stores to pick out rings. I think he tried to purchase/finance onsite as well.  (I left the store) It's like ready set go - ok pause - ok go go go. Smh so Apollotech the fear of engulfment sounds real. Everytime he has strong feelings he seems to shut down a bit. Oh Apollotech you hit it right on the head he has a fear of abandonement and yes very quickly he could attach to a number of people - I believe he made it that way on purpose. Although I can't clearly see any love interest, it seems like he's worked on potential/heavy flirting relationships so he can say, call someone 12 midnight etc. With all of what I've said so far I think to myself I'm describing such a jerk - but if you saw the other personality you would NEVER know he was like this (clearly I didn't). I often wonder to what extent do I really know him and if there's even more to the story.