Help to stop my BPD partner's devaluation phase

[Thrik]

Hello,

I recently found out my wife has BSD. I still want to help her than abandoning her for having this. After all its not her mistake to get this.

But for last one month, we are in fight and she wants to divorce me. I tried talking to her but she hears it all but doesn't listen to a single word.She gives me silent verbal abuse and also verbally abused me 3 times in last one month.

I understand now that she is devaluation process of me.She has also started talking to her ex who she sees now as the "savoir" .

Now how can I bring her out of devaluation phase, talking doenst help much, it just makes her feel im clingy and selfish.

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[waverider]

You can't make her do anything, but you can change the way you are. Being strong and not bending to their will is the best way to command any kind of respect, even if they wont openly admit it. If you do as bid they will not respect you.

They need a rock they can bash against, and get angry if the rock crumbles.

It is important you don't seek personal validation from them of that will leave you needy.

You won't respect yourself either, which is the greater problem

[Ceruleanblue]

Waverider: I really needed to read this tonight. I think you are exactly right. This is probably why my BPDh gets angry if he manages to hurt me and I cry? Is he wanting me to be stronger than him? I actually am, but he still manages to hurt me sometimes. I certainly don't seek any validation from him anymore(I don't think), but I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm needy. Or when I do my own thing I'm "ignoring him". It's a lose/lose. They deliberately set us up that way, don't they?

[waverider]

They deliberately set us up that way, don't they?

Yes thats how they soothe themselves by passing the blame for everything on to us. Hence the need for us to be strong within ourselves and expecting validation from them when they are busy trying to validate themselves buy ensuring that we don't appear "better'.

Chaos is a less lonely place if you are not alone, the more people you can involve the more it is normalized

[Thrik]

Thanks for the reply.

I think what you say is the case with her too. She validates me when she hurts me. She expects me to be strong irrespective of what she does. If I get hurt and breakdown, she validates me as a coward and says I lack confidence.

Before I knew about BPD, I was angry on her and was really heartbroken on what she does. Now I realize its her disorder that makes her behave like this. I understand her sex addiction and cheating behavior is also due to this.Now she sees her as "knight" to save her out of the "misery". If untreated she is going to go into devaluation of him too. I feel bad for her.

I hope she gives up the fight and cooperates on her treatment.

[formflier]

I hope she gives up the fight and cooperates on her treatment.

Tell me about her diagnosis and treatment?

FF