My BPD daughter killed herself and I feel really guilty

[lynn9671]

My 43 year old daughter suffered for BPD, major depression, chronic fatique, fibramyalgea, IBS or something, and then developed possible instertial cystitus.  None of her doctors seemed able to help her.  She took all kinds of prescription drugs.  She was miserable, miserable miserable.  She'd tried a number of times to kill herself, and left a box of old suicide notes in her closet.  She was always too sensitive, too reactive, too anxious, but she was making it, master degree, husband life, until she turned about 33.  The next 10 years she got worse, and worse and worse.  She was miserable at the end like a dying animal, couldn't enjoy a breath, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. 

She was so very very needy, and sucked so much out of me I fianlly pulled back, and and tried to, not abandon her, but just have some life.  My friends said I was killing myself.  My theapists tried to help me find ways to enpower her to help herself.  But this was not the time, and she needed me, and I wasn't there.  Now she's dead.  I am so sorry and sad, but, and here's another thing, I feel relief.  I can't tell anyonexactly how it is, because well no one understads.  She was so miserable.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JayApril]

My 43 year old daughter suffered for BPD, major depression, chronic fatique, fibramyalgea, IBS or something, and then developed possible instertial cystitus.  None of her doctors seemed able to help her.  She took all kinds of prescription drugs.  She was miserable, miserable miserable.  She'd tried a number of times to kill herself, and left a box of old suicide notes in her closet.  She was always too sensitive, too reactive, too anxious, but she was making it, master degree, husband life, until she turned about 33.  The next 10 years she got worse, and worse and worse.  She was miserable at the end like a dying animal, couldn't enjoy a breath, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. 

She was so very very needy, and sucked so much out of me I fianlly pulled back, and and tried to, not abandon her, but just have some life.  My friends said I was killing myself.  My theapists tried to help me find ways to enpower her to help herself.  But this was not the time, and she needed me, and I wasn't there.  Now she's dead.  I am so sorry and sad, but, and here's another thing, I feel relief.  I can't tell anyonexactly how it is, because well no one understads.  She was so miserable.

Have no words, but I apologize for all of your pain. Her death is NOT your fault, I am more than sure that you have done all that you could. My prayers are with you and your family.

[gomez_addams]

Lynn,

Truly sorry for your loss.  I know that nothing you read on a web forum will ease the pain.  In the future it will be important to understand that you are human and did the best that you could, and you can't hold yourself accountable for the actions of others.

In the meantime you are in my prayers.

Gomez

[Turkish]

I'm so sorry, lynn9671,

Both she and you struggled for a long time, and no matter what you did, she made a terrible choice to end whatever internal pain she struggled with for decades. It sounds like it was a very heavy burden on you as well. I may be going out on a limb, but does it feel like a betrayal in a way, after all that you did to support her? It's hard to accept that desipte obvious, glaring issues, that people can still choose to act as the independent entities as they are, despite having support for healthy choices available. That you feel relieved sounds like it was such a heavy burden on you for so long, and I'm sorry about that.

Turkish

[lbjnltx]

Hello lynn9671,

I'm glad you are here talking about your daughter and the pain you are suffering and have suffered for years.

I'm so sorry for the losses you and she both experienced.

I can understand that you would feel some relief.  It is ok to feel that way lynn.  Your daughter was suffering and having someone we love suffer for so long and know that they are finally free from the pain and anguish is a relief for them and ourselves.  The pain of our children is our pain.  The guilt of not being able to fix what hurts our kids is our own anguish.

This is a terrible disorder that steals away our children and the lives we thought we would have with them.  You have been grieving for a long time.  

We are here to help support you through your grief and the feelings of guilt.  If you would like to memorialize your daughter, now or in the future, we would be honored. Thank you for trusting us with your thoughts and feelings.  My prayers are with you.

In Loving Memory

Lynn, are you getting support from a grief counselor or peer support group like SOS?  It can really help.

lbjnltx

[mggt]

 

[livednlearned]

Hi  lynn9671,

I wanted to join others in bearing witness to the pain you're feeling. Nothing cuts through my heart like my son's suicidal ideation. There is no other pain I can think of that comes close, so I can only imagine how you feel   :'(

The pain of feeling relief and grief at the same time is complicated. My aunt experienced this with my cousin who died of kidney disease in her 30s. It was a difficult life, and my aunt had no life outside my cousin's illness. Like you, she felt grief and relief, and therefore guilt. It took her years to slowly heal, and she learned that she can feel love for her daughter and relief at the same time, they are compatible feelings when allowed to coexist.

Two seemingly opposite things can both be true. Only when we try to resist the pain do we increase the suffering. When you feel relief, let yourself feel it. When you feel grief, let yourself feel it.

[lynn9671]

Thank you all.  It helps to know you have some idea what was going on.  I do not feel she betrayed me, because I know she was suffering unimaginable mental, emotional and physical pain.  It was so hard on me, but I still had some ability to have pleasure, sleep, experience love, friendship.  She could do none of those things toward the end.  She told me she felt like a ghost, that no one heard her.  Everyone betrayed her.  And because she was so hard to love and be around, I guess it was sort of true. 

But thank you.  I'll be allright, but it hurts so bad to try so hard to fix this person that I loved so much as a child and even as the eventual disaster she was, and couldn't help or fix.  Somewhere buried in all of her craziness there was my sweet little girl, and a good person.

[MammaMia]

Lynn, I am so deeply sorry for your loss.  So many of us have suffered through multiple suicide attempts or actually lost a loved one to BPD.  This cruel disorder is unforgiving in so many ways.

Please know that there is little or nothing you could have done to save your dd.  PwBPD suffer so greatly that it is normal for us to feel that we have failed them, when in actuality there is no way for us to succeed in protecting them from themselves. 

We need to grieve, despair, get angry and try to understand why someone would do this before we can begin to heal.  It is because they have a brain dysfunction that torments them to their very soul.  We did not cause it, but we have suffered their pain and agony along with them every single day. 

When you are able to accept that you did all you could, and that there are no answers to many of the questions concerning BPD, you can begin to move forward. It will then be time to forgive yourself as well as your dd and thank God for the time you had together ... .good times and bad.  Doesn't matter.

We are so glad you have joined us and hope we can provide comfort and support to help you through this.  You are getting outside help which is wonderful.  Sharing our pain and sorrow is good.  We at BPDF understand when others can't, and we will always be here for you.

Please keep posting and take care.     

[thefixermom]

"Somewhere buried in all of her craziness there was my sweet little girl, and a good person."

Well said... .that's what I see in my DD38 every single day and it helps keep me soft and pliable. 

I hope your daughter can find her way into your dreams if she hasn't already, and give you the message of her being at peace and let you know she is okay.  My dearly departeds have all done that for me and it has helped immensely.  Sometimes I lay in bed listening to near death experiences on youtube and they comfort me, too. There is so much we don't know while we are in this physical world but I have to think it will all be okay and make sense one day. One thing I do know... .we must forgive... .others and ourselves.   We did not invent this disease, nor did we invent death... .it's something that happens to us and so we should no have guilt for it.   Wishing you deep comfort.   

[Missp]

I send you love, Lynn. Your daughter's life with the illness and her death are so, so sad.

It is really hard, as a mum to have created a child with so much sadness in her. She has tragically chosen her own peace and I hope that you can find peace too. X

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders