BPD without anger outbursts

[Fian]

My wife follows many of the BPD behaviors, however there is one significant gap.  She does not have angry outbursts.  She can be mad at me, but it is more of a cold anger.  So this could be an indication that I am just misdiagnosing her, but with so many other behaviors that do match BPD, I find that unlikely.

Another possibility is that she is focusing her negative energy inward.  Extreme cases would be suicide and self-mutilation which has not happened.  I do see her suffering depression and spending large amounts of time in self-pity.  Has anyone see other inward focusing behaviors performed by those suffering from BPD?  I would like to better understand the inward focus of BPD, and would appreciate any information that people can share.

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[enlighten me]

My ex wife was the waif type. We never argued in the 14 years we were together. She hid her anger.

I was woken up once after being hit in the face. She said she'd rolled over in her sleep but I doubt it was that. Something she told me openly she had done was pee in my baths. She said if she was mad at me she would offer to run me a bath and pee in it as revenge.

I dont know what other things she did like this but it was never direct confrontation.

[Fian]

LOL that is rather funny (although I suppose you might not find it funny if you just took a bath).  My wife occasionally takes out her anger on my shoes.

[enlighten me]

No it doesnt bother me now. I think having three sons has made me desensitised to wee.I just find it amazing how she hid her revenge in what appeared to be loving acts and then was quite pleased with herself when she told me about. Just shows how they can be seething inside and act as if everything is alright.

I wonder if this is what all waif BPDs do. Internalise their anger as opposed to queens and witches who unleash it.

[Fian]

You mention waif, queen, and witch.  Is there a link to a description of the various BPD types?  I found waif, but it didn't quite fit my wife either.

[enlighten me]

Waifs play the victim. Queens have a sense of self importance. Hermits hide away. Witches are b___y.

Thats the short version. It has been posted on here before but im on a mobile so searching is a pain for me.

They can also intermingle the types and switch between them.

[Fian]

Found the definitions, although this is from a mother perspective:

www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic118864.html

My wife is closest to the Hermit, although not as severe as described.

[an0ught]

Hi Fian,

for a diagnosis following DSM-IV only 5 of 8 criteria have to be met.

In some way DSM criteria describe symptoms that are driven by the extreme inner pressure. How that pressure is then relieved - that depends a bit - some pwBPD are acting out and some are more self destructive acting in. With some it is physical acting and with others it is emotional acting.

Action functions as a pressure relief. Often one mode of acting suffices. If that preferred mode is blocked other modes may be accessed. Particular nons in long running relationships with acting in pwBPD spouses manage reasonably well for a long time. When their ability to support their partner becomes limited and pressure is increasing beyond what can be managed with the preferred relief mode then pwBPD starts acting out, the relationship turns and BPD "suddenly" becomes obvious .


What is important for us is to recognize what adds to the pressure (often invalidation), avoiding adding our share and being aware when it pressure is raising. From a structural point we can manage our lives in a way that provides enough boundaries to protect ourselves and our partner.

[Fian]

Yes, I am thinking that I might be doing some things naturally that has prevented it from getting wose.  I don't know that she would qualify for 5 areas on the DSM, because she isn't acting out that strongly.  I do wonder of the DSM is too limited, and that BPD isn't necessarily black and white.  There is a gray area for those that have a certain level of negative self image, but not that strong of a negative self image.  So they act out some, but not as severely as others.

[enlighten me]

Just because it doesnt quite fit the dsm doesnt mean its not there.  I thought my ex wife ticked seven of the nine criteria. Some of which I thought were marginal. After speaking to my ex mil I now realise she ticks all nine and strongly.

You have to remember its a spectrum dissorder so they may not tick all nine and may only have slight traits in others.

The combinations of the nine criteria arevast.

[Hawk Ridge]

My expwBPD was a combination of waif, queen, and b___ but was also very high functioning so even though she is a recovering alcoholic, anorexic BPD with a history of suicide attempts, cutting, and unstable relationships, she presents well outside of the home.  She only acts out on the significant other, a Dr. jeckyll/Mr. hyde.  That's part of the crazy making. She waited til the doors closed before the silent treatment or snide comments began.  This last week, I was afforded the opportunity to see her in action with my replacement who reminds me of an insecure puppu, trailing along behind her.  It really made me realize what I went through, how I was before, and how I am now with almost 14 months out.  She was wonderful to me this week.  I am not her significan other.  Her SO appears to dislike me quite a bit so I would guess I have been disparaged within the home but she had something negative to say about everyone, just no one knew it because she was quiet and introverted.  Even though she is an accomplished professional, she slept for hours every day or was stuck in a book.  I don't miss it.

[Hawk Ridge]

Oh and my ex would go to pieces if i tried to initiate a discussion to resolve issues.  She practically reverted to childhood as she accused me of "overcommunicating." You'd think she was having a root canal as it was so painful.  Even after she left me and had only tried to talk things through s few times, she continued to blame me for "overcommunicating."  I never understood it.  It is on my list of things I don't want in my next relationship, a lack of communication.