Just found something that made me mad and broke my heart at the same time

[confusedinWI]

So I'm trying to keep my mind busy, I was going through my children's bedroom organizing things. I have a memory box for each of my children that I keep things in, so that I can look back on.

I shall preface this by saying my daughter was really close to my ex gf; so much that my daughter looked at her like a step-mom already, she loved her.

Well as I was looking through my daughter's memory box I came across the necklace that my daughter (with my help) bought for my ex gf this past Christmas. The necklace was intertwined hearts. This made me so sad to discover, and angry.

It made me angry that my ex gf put it back in the memory box without me knowing, and sad that this necklace that my ex gf said meant the world to her, was so easily given back. I'm just glad I discovered this and not my daughter.

Ugh what a way to start my day!

[Aussie0zborn]

She's messin' with ya and it's working. If she's high functioning she might just know you better then you know yourself and there could be more little surprises like this around the house.

Unfortunately there are no rules that people with this illness are bound by. Just remember that part of this is them "protecting" themselves and not even your kids are off limits to these people.

You might check to see that nothing else has been tampered with and get on with process of de-toxing and healing.

[confusedinWI]

She's messin' with ya and it's working. If she's high functioning she might just know you better then you know yourself and there could be more little surprises like this around the house.

Unfortunately there are no rules that people with this illness are bound by. Just remember that part of this is them "protecting" themselves and not even your kids are off limits to these people.

You might check to see that nothing else has been tampered with and get on with process of de-toxing and healing.

Aussie I should add that I moved out over three months ago, I was just going through some things. It just made me sad because at the time she told my daughter it meant so much to her. She still has a picture of my daughter up on her facebook. She's dating someone new now, and it's ironic in one of her pictures with new man she is wearing the necklace I gave to her on our first Christmas, and she has a picture of her and I still up on her facebook. I find that weird for someone who has moved on, unless she hasn't yet completely

[FannyB]

Confused

Borderlines are the kings & queens of passive/aggressive gestures. If she perceived you had slighted her before her departure she might have returned the necklace in a fit of pique. 2 days later she's happy again!  Don't judge them by our standards mate - they adhere to a whole different rulebook! 

[confusedinWI]

Confused

Borderlines are the kings & queens of passive/aggressive gestures. If she perceived you had slighted her before her departure she might have returned the necklace in a fit of pique. 2 days later she's happy again!  Don't judge them by our standards mate - they adhere to a whole different rulebook! 

Fanny... .you are right about the passive aggressive nature. She would do that a lot in her text messages to me. Would piss me off something fierce. She would say things in text that she never would in real life.

I still dont get the whole necklace wearing and keeping the pictures up. Thats weird. Is it sort of a trophy for her

[FannyB]

I still dont get the whole necklace wearing and keeping the pictures up. Thats weird. Is it sort of a trophy for her

Dunno mate. Maybe she's dangling a carrot to keep you hooked? Contrasts markedly with giving the other necklace back. Mixed messages keep you searching for answers and stop you forgetting about her - just in case she needs you further down the line. Clever buggers - ain't they? 

[Sunfl0wer]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see what is odd. 

I have not destroyed pics or taken down my old FB posts that include my ex.  They are part of my timeline of that era that they are up, they capture my history, as a timeline does.  I also have not gotten rid of anything he gave me and if he had given me jewelry, I would wear it as I do any other jewelry I have.

The exception would be:  if I had been given an engagement ring, I'd take that off.  I have taken down off the wall our pics together.

Am I not understanding this?  Or am I understanding fine and just have a different mind set on this?

[confusedinWI]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see what is odd. 

I have not destroyed pics or taken down my old FB posts that include my ex.  They are part of my timeline of that era that they are up, they capture my history, as a timeline does.  I also have not gotten rid of anything he gave me and if he had given me jewelry, I would wear it as I do any other jewelry I have.

The exception would be:  if I had been given an engagement ring, I'd take that off.  I have taken down off the wall our pics together.

Am I not understanding this?  Or am I understanding fine and just have a different mind set on this?

Maybe to me its odd because she is with her new man and she is wearing something that meant a lot to her from me. Too me it seems strange. Also the fact she still has a picture up of my daughter that still seems strange.  But ive learned that nothing seems to be weird for her.

[Sunfl0wer]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see what is odd. 

I have not destroyed pics or taken down my old FB posts that include my ex.  They are part of my timeline of that era that they are up, they capture my history, as a timeline does.  I also have not gotten rid of anything he gave me and if he had given me jewelry, I would wear it as I do any other jewelry I have.

The exception would be:  if I had been given an engagement ring, I'd take that off.  I have taken down off the wall our pics together.

Am I not understanding this?  Or am I understanding fine and just have a different mind set on this?

Maybe to me its odd because she is with her new man and she is wearing something that meant a lot to her from me. Too me it seems strange. Also the fact she still has a picture up of my daughter that still seems strange.  But ive learned that nothing seems to be weird for her.

I can relate to her.  Am I allowed to say that here?

I can see how if your daughter found the necklace... .that she could interpret it as your ex severing her love for your D and it would possibly stir up emotions for her, leaving her with a confused sense of closure, which I imagine, is already painful and confusing.  I also would feel greatly panged by finding the necklace, as a parent.

When my ex and I split, what pained me the most is he alienated me from his D before we split.  This was terribly painful for me, as her being a child, could not maintain a r/s with me with him limiting it.  (He did this just to have her to himself... .and it was a form of punishing me... .not because I did anything wrong towards her.). After he began withholding his D from having a r/s with me... .it was too painful so I stopped trying.  I removed all reminders of my r/s with her... .to stop my own grief. 

So if I had jewelry symbolic of her... .I would not wear it.

Hummm... .

Well now I've confused myself... .  Because if I feel that way about losing her... .how come I don't feel that way about him? 

The most I can come up with is... .the loss of her was different... . 

I had NO control or input.  I felt like she was abducted from me.  I was blindsided and baffled.

The grief and closure are both different than him.

The loss of him... .

Did not feel like someone stole him... .as I participated in the b/u process with some awareness of the likelihood of it.

I wonder if there is that coorelation with others who choose to erase memories... .is there a feeling of no control of the b/u.  VS those that feel they participated in the b/u to an extent?

[Trog]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see what is odd. 

I have not destroyed pics or taken down my old FB posts that include my ex.  They are part of my timeline of that era that they are up, they capture my history, as a timeline does.  I also have not gotten rid of anything he gave me and if he had given me jewelry, I would wear it as I do any other jewelry I have.

The exception would be:  if I had been given an engagement ring, I'd take that off.  I have taken down off the wall our pics together.

Am I not understanding this?  Or am I understanding fine and just have a different mind set on this?

Maybe to me its odd because she is with her new man and she is wearing something that meant a lot to her from me. Too me it seems strange. Also the fact she still has a picture up of my daughter that still seems strange.  But ive learned that nothing seems to be weird for her.

I can relate to her.  Am I allowed to say that here?

I can see how if your daughter found the necklace... .that she could interpret it as your ex severing her love for your D and it would possibly stir up emotions for her, leaving her with a confused sense of closure, which I imagine, is already painful and confusing.  I also would feel greatly panged by finding the necklace, as a parent.

When my ex and I split, what pained me the most is he alienated me from his D before we split.  This was terribly painful for me, as her being a child, could not maintain a r/s with me with him limiting it.  (He did this just to have her to himself... .and it was a form of punishing me... .not because I did anything wrong towards her.). After he began withholding his D from having a r/s with me... .it was too painful so I stopped trying.  I removed all reminders of my r/s with her... .to stop my own grief. 

So if I had jewelry symbolic of her... .I would not wear it.

Hummm... .

Well now I've confused myself... .  Because if I feel that way about losing her... .how come I don't feel that way about him? 

The most I can come up with is... .the loss of her was different... . 

I had NO control or input.  I felt like she was abducted from me.  I was blindsided and baffled.

The grief and closure are both different than him.

The loss of him... .

Did not feel like someone stole him... .as I participated in the b/u process with some awareness of the likelihood of it.

I wonder if there is that coorelation with others who choose to erase memories... .is there a feeling of no control of the b/u.  VS those that feel they participated in the b/u to an extent?

This is an interesting one.

My ex still had photos of our wedding up months after I left, I would assume by now she has taken them down, if not her relatives will have taken them down!

I took down all photos of her from my facebook account. I felt so hurt by her I felt like she didn't 'deserve' photos of me. I also didn't like the idea of me smiling out from photos where I knew I was not happy. It was ripping down a lie from my perspective. I felt dishonoured by my wife, I left her because she stopped taking her medication, got sectioned and put me thru a lot of pain (this was the 4th time and she promised me she would not do this)  as when she comes off the meds she becomes psychotic, she expects me just to stick by her regardless of her behaviour. It's very frustrating when something that makes you so miserable and ruins your relationship can be controlled by taking a pill and your wife refuses to do it. I felt massively betrayed and devalued. In effect, she'd rather have the right to go mad and be sectioned than save our marriage. I know it's part of the illness but it seems so pathetic to me. Her whole life gets trashed, she lost her job, home and partner but hey... .At least I don't have to take a pill once per day. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Grrrrrrr.

See, this is why I don't think about her and focus on me!

Back to the jewelry, is there any chance she felt like she didn't deserve it and wanted to give it as a present to your child?

[fromheeltoheal]

I can't help thinking how a necklace with two interlocking hearts is inappropriate for a borderline; a necklace with two half hearts attached to make a whole would be more accurate, at least from a borderline perspective.

Anyway, sorry finding it messed with your day confused, but it's a really good thing that your daughter didn't find it, that way she gets to keep the sentiment of giving the gift and your ex's acceptance of it, as she deals with someone she loved leaving her life, that's sad enough.  Good that you're keeping your mind busy, that's active focusing away from you ex and hopefully towards a bright future without her in it.  Take care of you!

[Sunfl0wer]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't see what is odd. 

I have not destroyed pics or taken down my old FB posts that include my ex.  They are part of my timeline of that era that they are up, they capture my history, as a timeline does.  I also have not gotten rid of anything he gave me and if he had given me jewelry, I would wear it as I do any other jewelry I have.

The exception would be:  if I had been given an engagement ring, I'd take that off.  I have taken down off the wall our pics together.

Am I not understanding this?  Or am I understanding fine and just have a different mind set on this?

Maybe to me its odd because she is with her new man and she is wearing something that meant a lot to her from me. Too me it seems strange. Also the fact she still has a picture up of my daughter that still seems strange.  But ive learned that nothing seems to be weird for her.

I can relate to her.  Am I allowed to say that here?

I can see how if your daughter found the necklace... .that she could interpret it as your ex severing her love for your D and it would possibly stir up emotions for her, leaving her with a confused sense of closure, which I imagine, is already painful and confusing.  I also would feel greatly panged by finding the necklace, as a parent.

When my ex and I split, what pained me the most is he alienated me from his D before we split.  This was terribly painful for me, as her being a child, could not maintain a r/s with me with him limiting it.  (He did this just to have her to himself... .and it was a form of punishing me... .not because I did anything wrong towards her.). After he began withholding his D from having a r/s with me... .it was too painful so I stopped trying.  I removed all reminders of my r/s with her... .to stop my own grief. 

So if I had jewelry symbolic of her... .I would not wear it.

Hummm... .

Well now I've confused myself... .  Because if I feel that way about losing her... .how come I don't feel that way about him? 

The most I can come up with is... .the loss of her was different... . 

I had NO control or input.  I felt like she was abducted from me.  I was blindsided and baffled.

The grief and closure are both different than him.

The loss of him... .

Did not feel like someone stole him... .as I participated in the b/u process with some awareness of the likelihood of it.

I wonder if there is that coorelation with others who choose to erase memories... .is there a feeling of no control of the b/u.  VS those that feel they participated in the b/u to an extent?

This is an interesting one.

My ex still had photos of our wedding up months after I left, I would assume by now she has taken them down, if not her relatives will have taken them down!

I took down all photos of her from my facebook account. I felt so hurt by her I felt like she didn't 'deserve' photos of me. I also didn't like the idea of me smiling out from photos where I knew I was not happy. It was ripping down a lie from my perspective. I felt dishonoured by my wife, I left her because she stopped taking her medication, got sectioned and put me thru a lot of pain (this was the 4th time and she promised me she would not do this)  as when she comes off the meds she becomes psychotic, she expects me just to stick by her regardless of her behaviour. It's very frustrating when something that makes you so miserable and ruins your relationship can be controlled by taking a pill and your wife refuses to do it. I felt massively betrayed and devalued. In effect, she'd rather have the right to go mad and be sectioned than save our marriage. I know it's part of the illness but it seems so pathetic to me. Her whole life gets trashed, she lost her job, home and partner but hey... .At least I don't have to take a pill once per day. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Grrrrrrr.

See, this is why I don't think about her and focus on me!

Back to the jewelry, is there any chance she felt like she didn't deserve it and wanted to give it as a present to your child?

Oops, I think my post got a bit confusing.

I was trying to compare two losses:

1. Loss of my SD because uN/BPDexBF alienated me.  This felt like she was abducted.

2. Loss of my uN/BPDexBF (her dad) This loss I felt I participated in as I was aware that we were on shaky ground and things were coming to a head.

I'm glad you are sharing your perspective with me! I can ABSOLUTELY understand why you would pull down photos where you were smiling and faking it.  I would too! 

I can also see how you felt betrayed by your ex.  I imagine it felt at times where you had done so so much to put tons of selfless effort into this r/s... .and simply taking a pill doesn't seem like much to ask, and ultimately helps HER anyway!

I am stuck in this area and have been aware that I need work regarding my connection to SD but unable to figure out how to even articulate my issue. I am hurt in a way that feels stronger, deeper, and less resolved over the events that occurred in the r/s surrounding SD vs exBF.  One possible theory is that we see ourselves in our children and relive parts of our history through them. Maybe on some level, I identified with SD more than exBF... .in terms of identity issues.  In terms of role issues... .my role as SM felt more secure than my role as his potential wife... .which makes me angry at myself for having false belief... .the belief that we would always have a r/s, (SD and I)

Then back to betrayal... .

I did feel greatly betrayed with the loss of SD.

I did not feel that when exBF announced we were done... .I felt that coming... .I felt and knew my actions of boundary setting likely would result in that.  I'm by no means happy by it, nor do I think he did the right thing... .I just understand it logically more than I do someone being spiteful and selfishly not allowing you... .as a SM... .to talk to you kid... .when he should know she benefitted greatly from a r/s with me... .after all she had been through with her disordered mom. (I say SM and SD... .but no, we were not legally married)

[Sunfl0wer]

I meant to explain... .

In my photos... .I was truly happy and having a good time.  For me it feels bitter sweet.  I am glad to remember the shared moment, glad that it happened.  I am sad we are over.  It is enough that the sad does not stop me from also feeling that glad part.