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Author Topic: It is my turn to ask for some much needed advice/Contact  (Read 1644 times)
LimboFL
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« on: July 09, 2015, 05:45:59 PM »

Hi guys,

A quick recap of my story, 4 year relationship, with all of the symptoms of a BPD relationship. Did not fall for the idealization but rather the sweet and kind person that did show up, often. Rages, orbiters, everything, but there was love. She let down her guard, the saddest part of that being that this is what I fell in love with. Then a series of events happened in reaction to her behavior that pushed her into "he is going to abandon me" and then came the replacement line up. I booked, moved out of our place.

3 months later, she reaches out to me with a genuine emergency, the dog that she spent 16 years with had a massive stroke. She didn't have a car to get her to the vet. I agree to help and am love bombed hard, the first night. I was craving it, I missed her and missed being "home", then there was the retreat. I didn't think too much about it but then I caught in her lying and bolted again. I am not sure if 2 days can be considered a recycle.

I was absolutely crushed, not only because this was the end but also because I left a helpless animals that I fell madly in love with, who was likely at the end of her life. This dog followed me absolutely everywhere, she was my shadow. I wasn't there for her when she needed me most. I couldn't handle the emotional torment and had to say goodbye for good. The goodbye was by text, I found some evidence of the lie and told her to please find a ride back to the apt from work, told her that I would always love her but that she should be more careful about hurting the people who truly care about her. I then asked her to please never contact me again.

I didn't hear from her again, until a week ago. I am on a business call and hear a incoming call, I pull the phone away to see that it's her number. No voice mail was left. On the 4th I go out to a neighborhood bar and had a great time, got very boozed. I hit the incoming number (hers) and it starts to ring. I realize what I am doing and hang up before it hits voice mail. It was probably 2 in the morning. Normally this would have incensed her to no end.

I let it go. Yesterday, it's her again but this time she leaves a message. I didn't listen to it but I have visual voice mail. "Hi it's... .I got your missed call, I hope you had a wonderful time, I think it was around 3 am or something. I love you and just wanted to send my love to you and (my son), bye"

I don't even know where she is or what she is doing. When we recycled she was talking about moving out of state, possibly across the country. I am heartbroken because I don't know what happen to the dog that I love. In a way it is an absolutely hug relief to know that she still thinks of me and even more so that her emotions speak of love. I know all of the answers people have given as to why they do things like this but I remain completely bewildered as to why she would say that, in the first even half contact for over 4 months. When she needed something from me (help with her dog) she just asked.

I have no responded but it is testing my emotions but good. I am not distraught but the tug to respond to someone who has said I love you is very hard to dismiss. I don't want to speak with her because I have come so far, have become so involved in simply improving things on the work front etc. The not knowing first hurt but then was a relief and I don't want to know now. No matter how deeply I love her, I can't go back, nor is this necessarily what her intention was. I just don't want to know where she is, who she is with or anything, but I also feel tremendous guilt not at least emailing her to thank her, tell her that I love her too, that I have been heartbroken about the pup but that I need to be able to continue moving forward which can only happen if there is no communication between she and I.

I don't know what to do but what I do know is that while not nearly as visceral, my emotions are back up and running and that my eyes have been welling up and my heart squeezed. I know a few other members on this site who have experienced the same sense of genuinely love with their ex partners, that many of the negative behaviors were in-excusable but that because the ex partners were high functioning and didn't destroy our lives but rather crushed our hearts that there is a slightly different tint on how we view our exes. Some of you have been dragged through razor blade fields, so I understand the anger and hatred but this wasn't the take away for me.

I need some advice, please.

Thank you, all.
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myself
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« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2015, 10:34:12 PM »

If it's better for you to stay away, stay away.

If you'd like to respond, as a form of closure, do so.

If you don't want to get sucked back in, don't.
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2015, 12:51:56 AM »

Hey Limbo,

Good to see ya!

This certainly is a tough spot to be in emotionally!  I know you have really worked hard to be NC and have benefitted from this in it being a major force of your healing and detaching.

I feel a little biased to respond as I remember you a while back really wanting NC to lead the way of your detaching, feeling that it was what was really keeping you strong. 

My gut tells me that you reaching out to her at this moment would be an emotionally charged reaction to what just transpired and it could undo some of the traction you have worked hard for.  You don't deserve that.

My personal nature is more flexible in my thinking... .  I think NC, LC, whatever is not black/white and it should be adopted as a tool, customized to the individual on how they want to use it... .if they want to... .based on what works for them.

However, it appears that you felt strongly you knew NC was best for your situation, so I wonder if you have read about wise mind?  Or if you have considered the possibility that you are allowing your heart to take the lead?

Like I said, I'm sorry that this is tough... .I honestly don't want to be in this position... it sounds painful.

So, what do you think about a possible in between idea... .sitting on this for a week? Promise yourself that NC... .for this week only... .then revisit it if it is still on your mind then?  My hope is that by waiting, it could give you some emotional distance from it and you may have a wiser approach even in the interactions if you do decide to interact.

(Or were you hoping for a resounding... .RUUUNN! So you could hang your hat and be done thinking on this? And I ruined it for ya?)
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2015, 01:04:44 AM »

Excerpt
"Hi it's... .I got your missed call, I hope you had a wonderful time, I think it was around 3 am or something. I love you and just wanted to send my love to you and (my son), bye"

Ok... .so I feel compelled to vent you my reaction on this one!

Has she lost her mind? This sounds manipulative as hell!  How dare she say send my love to (your son!) the nerve!  She all but kicked him out herself and made it difficult for you to put your son first.  Does she actually think you should tell him she sends her love?  He should hear this?... .so many months later... .when SHE feels like it? ... .based on HER emotion? It is NOT all about her... .even if she thinks it should be. 

So whether you contact her or not... .it is still not about her.  If you are feeling guilt about not calling her, then you are making it about her vs caring and forgiving you.

What ever you decide... .be selfish.  Care for YOU... .without guilt or any part of the FOG. 
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
LimboFL
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« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2015, 06:11:35 AM »

Thank you, myself. Wise words.

Sunflower, nice to hear from you. I still don't know what to do, however, I opened up word last night and wrote a number of drafts, thinning each one slowly but surely removing any direct emotional connection to "us", remembering the results others have received when responding. I remain unsure of what response there might be, if any. I am not seeking closure, because I know that I will never get it.

I do appreciate your addressing her wish to send love to my son. While you are absolutely right that she exhibited terrible behavior that caused a very bad night for him and us, she felt immense guilt for several days after, she was beside herself. It was feigned but very genuine. She wanted to so badly to connect with him. This genuine kindness and genuine wish to love and care is what kept me in the relationship. She really wanted him to be part of her life but because he was a very independent thinking rambunctious kid, it didn't fit with the kind of very rigid way in which she was raised by a very difficult PD'd Mother.

I want to write more, in response, but I have a lot of things to do this morning and I am catching myself allowing this to distract me from work, that needs to get done. I will respond with more meat, soon. Your sage advice concerning the need to observe a period in which I collect myself is exactly how I am going to handle this. Thank you very much for responding and caring. In one for or another, you will hear back from me. I remain torn.

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oor_wullie
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« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2015, 06:25:17 AM »

Did not fall for the idealization but rather the sweet and kind person that did show up, often. Rages, orbiters, everything, but there was love. She let down her guard, the saddest part of that being that this is what I fell in love with.

so this is really, really important. listen to what you're saying here. you've actually split this person up into two - the good one, and the bad one. you love the good one, but then the bad one appears and spoils things. you continue to focus on this good person she carries around inside her, and you maybe feel like you are the one who can bring that out of her, can maybe rescue the "good her" from the "bad her"? something like that?

i've done exactly this. i fell in love with this wonderful person, who presented as a sad, broken, vulnerable person who came to me for help, and found in me her saviour. intoxicating! and i kept up this ideal of her for years, even when the horrible behaviour started, and repeated and repeated. i believed i was in love with this lovely person that she took away from me when she started to hate me, and painted me black. the "good her" was in there someplace, waiting for me to reach out again and save it from the bad her.

that allowed me to accept the bad stuff as coming from, essentially, a different person. so i was able to forgive. maybe it even increased my love, because i imaged the woman i was in love with was trapped inside this monster, needing me, needing my help.

it was a crock. the biggest mistake you can make (and we all make it) is separating her bad behaviour from her good. there's the BPD version of her, and the *real* version. NO. NO. there really isn't. there's just her. it's ALL her. she is a single person, and you must, must understand that ALL of this is coming from the same person.

it took me years to see it. and, if you look, it's really there. behind their eyes, when they're telling you they love you there's this hint of evasion, or analysis, as though they're considering how their words are working, and what else they need to say, and how this works for them.

as to what's happening now. look at it this way - she used the dog's illness to draw you in. the dog gets ill, and instead of calling a cab, or a friend, or a family member, or indeed anyone else, or indeed just dealing with the situation like any adult should be able to do, she called YOU. it's not cold and calculating, it's just their natures.

you're being sucked back in. you know this, because you've asked for help.

she isn't a good person hiding inside there, she's a whole person, who has the ability to be good, but chooses to lie, chooses to disappear randomly, chooses to tell you she loves you even while treating you in a way that no one deserves to be treated. she's is what she is, wholly and totally. she is a liar who you know you cannot trust. she is a person who is incapable of doing anything that doesn't serve her needs and her needs *alone*. if what she does happens to serve *your* needs too, then that is entirely coincidental. as soon as something happens she doesn't like, she leaves.

and she's a person that would bend this crisis with the dog you love to suck you back in. leave her to deal with the dog herself. there's no reason you need to be involved. it's actually the best thing for her - she needs to deal with stuff herself if she's ever to have even a hope of escaping her illness.

take care of you. and take care of your son. as other's have pointed out, she has no business dragging him in. a BPD is absolutely the WORST person in the world to have around kids. that's how the BPD cycle perpetuates - BPDs have BPD kids. don't let her anywhere near him. if you need some justification to yourself, then realise that you're avoiding her, and the business with the dog, for his sake.
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LimboFL
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« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2015, 06:36:32 AM »

It wasn't feigned
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LimboFL
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« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2015, 06:50:26 AM »

Thank you very much for your response, oor.

It sounds like you went through the same emotions as I have. As mentioned to Sunflower, I have to get to the days work, but want to respond in greater detail, to everyone.

Before I go, though, the dog event has long since past, this was 4 months ago that she needed my help with the dog. My biggest guilt is that I left that pup, that I loved and have a desire to let her know how much it crushed me to do so. I am unable to view things with a jaded eye on this because this pup was with her for 16 years and it was her everything, therefore if she lost her, then I must overlook the BPD element and see the loss for what it is and for the sheer level of pain that I know that it has and will continue to cause her. She is human. I am highly intune with BPD, in as far as one can be after years of being being here. It started after 3 months of being with her, with a three month break where I read voraciously and found BPD. Then I popped in, once in a while. 3 years later I came back. I will follow up later.

The one thing I can't do, which is happening, is allow this to derail me from things that I neglected, like work.

Thank you again, very much, for your response
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2015, 07:01:36 AM »

So this is really, really important. listen to what you're saying here. you've actually split this person up into two - the good one, and the bad one. you love the good one, but then the bad one appears and spoils things. you continue to focus on this good person she carries around inside her, and you maybe feel like you are the one who can bring that out of her, can maybe rescue the "good her" from the "bad her"? something like that?

i've done exactly this. i fell in love with this wonderful person, who presented as a sad, broken, vulnerable person who came to me for help, and found in me her saviour. intoxicating! and i kept up this ideal of her for years, even when the horrible behaviour started, and repeated and repeated. i believed i was in love with this lovely person that she took away from me when she started to hate me, and painted me black. the "good her" was in there someplace, waiting for me to reach out again and save it from the bad her.

that allowed me to accept the bad stuff as coming from, essentially, a different person. so i was able to forgive. maybe it even increased my love, because i imaged the woman i was in love with was trapped inside this monster, needing me, needing my help.

it was a crock. the biggest mistake you can make (and we all make it) is separating her bad behaviour from her good. there's the BPD version of her, and the *real* version. NO. NO. there really isn't. there's just her. it's ALL her. she is a single person, and you must, must understand that ALL of this is coming from the same person.

THAT ^^^ times 1,000,000. My healing didn't really begin until I figured out the above - and the process of figuring it out was one of the most excruciating things I've ever experienced.

The answer for you is really very simple: pay attention to her actions, not her words.

Excerpt
I agree to help and am love bombed hard, the first night. I was craving it, I missed her and missed being "home", then there was the retreat . I didn't think too much about it but then I caught in her lying and bolted again.

I agree to help and am love bombed hard, (WORDS) the first night. I was craving it, I missed her and missed being "home", then there was the retreat (ACTION). I didn't think too much about it but then I caught in her lying (ACTION) and bolted again.
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LimboFL
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« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2015, 07:56:39 AM »

Naturally, as this is sort of consuming me, I cannot help but stop in to see what very kind advice my brothers and sisters, at BPD Family have given to help me get through this.

It is critically important to note that, despite the definite viewing the good side that is currently twisting my brain around, that my brain is still very much in charge. I cannot go through any sort of anything with her again. I have said this countless times I know, despite the understanding that this is a whole person, that if if a switch flipped and the disorder was miraculously gone (impossible, I know) then I would want to try again. But this can't and won't happen.

My question is purely about if and how to respond, especially because I know how immensely deep her relationship is/was with her pup. It feels cruel to just ignore when there is a big elephant in the room. I am not the only one at BPD Family who believes that there are, genuinely good people in our ex's, that it was because of the cruelty that they faced in childhood that they have had their own worlds twisted into so many knots that none of us could even begin to imagine.

JHK, there were plenty of good "actions" in the relationship. So do we look for a collective of actions, over time, or do we narrow everything down to only the negative scenarios? I don't understand why she would have said "I love you" in her first communication in 5 months but my brain is switched on enough to know that that in and of itself is simply not normal. But, does this mean that it was intended with malice, or fake?

I won't go back, I can't go back. I am lonely and miss the parts of her that were sweet, kind and gentle, but I could not ever deal with it again, nor is she necessarily even interested. I believe that if I had not dialed her number that drunken night, that she would not have reached out, but I did and therefore there is a big part of me to blame for setting the wheels in motion and it is weighing heavily on me. I still love her and always will. This is reopening a wound, but I have every intention of keeping things in check, now I just need to figure out how to handle this properly. I still love her but know that I can never be with her, nor can I be friends. I will never allow that, ever.

In short, I still don't know what to do.

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rotiroti
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« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2015, 10:46:24 AM »

Excerpt
JHK, there were plenty of good "actions" in the relationship. So do we look for a collective of actions, over time, or do we narrow everything down to only the negative scenarios? I don't understand why she would have said "I love you" in her first communication in 5 months but my brain is switched on enough to know that that in and of itself is simply not normal. But, does this mean that it was intended with malice, or fake?

I'd look at the collective, because all of her past actions? They're all her.

I'm in the camp that when a pwBPD says they love someone it really is genuine. It's just not the same intimate connection that nons experience.

You say you miss the sweet and kind person that did show up, but I think you forget she is also the same person that had a replacement lined up and emotionally tortured you. Some could even construe what's going on as continuation of that emotional torture by obviously how this affects you right now.

Lastly, lets take you for an example. Is it fair for someone to yearn and miss one aspect of you? When they reunite and find out you have other facets and get disappointed, what would you say?
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2015, 10:49:35 AM »

It is critically important to note that, despite the definite viewing the good side that is currently twisting my brain around, that my brain is still very much in charge. I cannot go through any sort of anything with her again. I have said this countless times I know, despite the understanding that this is a whole person, that if if a switch flipped and the disorder was miraculously gone (impossible, I know) then I would want to try again. But this can't and won't happen.

I understand this - it is exactly how I felt since we went N/C 9 months ago. Despite the immense amount of pain I was in, my brain knew that there was no going back - even though my heart longed for it. Unless someone discovered a miraculous cure for BPD, it was over.

However, it seems fair to say that she is "pulling" at you. Telling someone you love them - especially someone you are no longer in a r/s with, are highly charged words. You say you know that the r/s is over, and you went N/C after the incident with the dog, but now you are struggling with whether or not to respond to the "I love you." Would responding align with the kind of healing and detachment you are trying to accomplish?

Excerpt
My question is purely about if and how to respond, especially because I know how immensely deep her relationship is/was with her pup. It feels cruel to just ignore when there is a big elephant in the room. I am not the only one at BPD Family who believes that there are, genuinely good people in our ex's, that it was because of the cruelty that they faced in childhood that they have had their own worlds twisted into so many knots that none of us could even begin to imagine.

It sounds like you are still in the FOG. You are clearly a compassionate, loving person - I went and read your very first post on bpdfamily. You have gone above and beyond for your ex; you did all that was humanly possible to love her (in action); you seem well reasoned. Not perfect, but someone who truly thinks of the other person's needs in a relationship.

But this is the thing: I think you need to turn some of that reasoned compassion towards YOURSELF. Your post is very focused on your ex, but what about you? What do you need? Focus on YOU in this situation instead. How would it benefit, soothe, or help YOU if you responded in this situation?  Or would no response be best for your mental health? Would a short, compassionate response be best for the code of values you live by ? Or would it send you into several months of ruminating?

Excerpt
JHK, there were plenty of good "actions" in the relationship. So do we look for a collective of actions, over time, or do we narrow everything down to only the negative scenarios?

I loved my ex to the moon and back. There were many, many lovely moments in our r/s. I've never loved anyone more. And I haven't painted her black, although I've had to deal with many of the things you described in your first post (infidelity being the deal breaker for me as well).

Excerpt
I don't understand why she would have said "I love you" in her first communication in 5 months but my brain is switched on enough to know that that in and of itself is simply not normal. But, does this mean that it was intended with malice, or fake?

Be careful - it's those endless attempts to understand that can keep you hooked into a borderline r/s. I understand this well; I did it a lot myself.

Unless she's NPD, her words aren't malicious or fake - they're just fickle. They are not words you can depend on. The impulse that prompted her to utter those words could be non-existent tomorrow. Emotional dysregulation is the hallmark symptom of BPD.

Excerpt
I believe that if I had not dialed her number that drunken night, that she would not have reached out, but I did and therefore there is a big part of me to blame for setting the wheels in motion and it is weighing heavily on me.

Excerpt
I also feel tremendous guilt not at least emailing her to thank her, tell her that I love her too... .

There's the FOG. You feel a tremendous amount of guilt in this situation, but she called you first, correct? Perhaps you made a mistake in responding, but now that you've sobered up you recognized that it was a mistake. No need to compound it with another mistake that might interfere with your healing. You are not obligated to do anything at this point.

Excerpt
In short, I still don't know what to do.

How about some advice from YOU in your original post?

Excerpt
"I don't want to speak with her because I have come so far... ."



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apollotech
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« Reply #12 on: July 10, 2015, 10:55:24 AM »

I still love her and always will.

Hi Limbo,

I am sorry to hear about your current dilemma. I don't really have a comment on that, yet. What I do have is a question for you. I see this posted out on the boards over and over again by various people, and it always makes me cringe.

The "always will love someone" declaration, to me, is doing yourself a terrible injustice. Why on earth would you tell yourself that narrative, thereby, tying yourself to someone that is unhealthy, and because of that, making her someone that you, by your own admission, will never be with again? It's a self-defeating statement which bars you from a possible future love with someone else. It keeps you mired in the past, tied to an unhealthy person and an unhealthy relationship. Do you see the problem here? Always caring about someone and wishing them the best in life is one thing, declaring to "always love" someone is an entirely different matter. All of this goes without asking the obvious question: during the relationship, did she appreciate and reciprocate your love in a healthy manner? (That's a rhetorical question of course.)
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LimboFL
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« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2015, 11:47:26 AM »

rotiroti, I know you are right. I was looking at the collective, until her message. In fact, all I saw was the hardship and all I felt was the anger. I wasn't expecting to ever hear from her again and while it would have always stayed as a thought in my mind, I was ok with that. I also agree with your statement about what love means to them, that it is real, but fleeting. Very hard to grasp. Of course, only seeing one part of someone and favoring it, is counter intuitive, but here is where our knowledge of BPD becomes a double edge sword.

JHK, thank you very much for your very kind response. If there is FOG, only guilt, it is that I know that she has endured a crushing blow with I can only believe is what has happened since, the loss of a dog who was the only consistent being in her life, for 16 years. We lived under the same roof, so this dog was my shadow. This actually made my ex happy (counter intuitive to the possibility that my "taking" her beloved pet's attention away from her would create a chasm). Anyone that loves animals knows that there is no difference between losing a pet and a human. She also just lost her Mother, only 3 months prior to the escape. Both devastating, although the pup so much more so.

There is a tremendous amount of guilt but I would lying if I said that I don't miss when we were loving and happy. BPD love or not, coming out of a 4 year relationship is devastating, add to the mix the knowledge that we have. I could go so much deeper into things but it would take too long and bore all of you to tears.

I believe that I have decided to respond, expressing my feelings on the pup, how I feel but that I need to move forward and that this can only happen if communication between us doesn't progress. I believe that it will actually allow to achieve my own closure, while also expressing the desire to not pursue communication without it being perceived as a vindictive measure. No games.

I need to give it another day or so, as I tailor the message. I believe that she will respect my position and not respond. If she does, I will delete it before reading it because I will have said my piece, lovingly and maturely, that I left things on a loving note. It's funny because I remember someone else posting something to the effect of "leaving on a loving note" and I couldn't relate to that at all. I guess I do now, even though it breaks my heart to do so, I know that it is the only way that I can continue on my current path.

Apollotech, I understand what your saying but don't agree. I think one can always love an ex and move on, especially when you know that there simply is no other way. Granted, as time moves on, that love shifts to the back to make room for a new love. Maybe there is an element of FOG in play here, but right now I am right back to being raw. Tears, heartache and it stinks.

I think it has as much to do with the fact that i believed that I would absolutely never hear from her again, convinced that she was not the type, that her pride would never allow it. I certainly never would have expected her to say " I love you". It doesn't help that the message was delivered with such calm and seeming reason.

My mind is in a very different place than it was when things went down (both times), my brain continues to re-calibrate and try to kick my heart out of it's current turmoil. I will also walk away from this very quickly and believe that responding while requesting that there be no more communication is the only way that I am going to be able to let go of it. At the very least, I am getting a chance that many don't get, to respond to a kind message. There was no desperation and it was kind. I guess it was a pull, which despite all my knowledge will never understand, but it is an opportunity to express how I feel, outside of the highly emotionally charged environment that I found myself in, after the two endings.

I certainly hope that one day I can find love again, although I have a lot of fish to fry right now, so it is the last thing on my mind. I know it can never be her. I can never forgive her for what she did. I deserve better. I know this but while I will find my way out of this, I will never forget her or what she meant to me, even if the feelings weren't mutual. There was a lot of love, caring and emotion. It has been expressed so many times on this site that this is what our ex's craved but didn't know how to handle. That they wanted to be loved. How does one completely disconnect from that thought? This is more than FOG, this is reality.

The difference with the communication that I intend to send is that I won't give it another thought. Prior to this, on the rare communication we had before the short recycle, some of which was practical in nature, when I sent a message, I ended up in limbo wondering if and when she read it, what her reaction would be, would she respond. In this message, like my final text, I am clarifying that I don't want a response, that I need to move forward and that this can't happen any other way.

Man, I never thought I would be back here. For the pain that it is causing me, I am grateful for the validation that I meant something. If the desire is to maintain a connection, I believe that it is genuine and not that she wants to keep her toy as a back up. I understand and appreciate the pain that so many have gone through and why there is a need to vilify, but some of you have gotten to know me, through my posts and my belief that they are humans with true emotions that they are not able to regulate, has remained consistent throughout. Even if it is just a belief that I need to soothe how I feel about it all, these are beliefs that will remain.

Man does this all stink. It is all so heartbreaking.
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LimboFL
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« Reply #14 on: July 10, 2015, 12:02:40 PM »

PS: I am deeply grateful to all of you for taking time to respond. This was very unexpected and my emotions have hit me dramatically hard. I am so thankful that I have this family to turn to. I tried telling a couple of friends, last night, and got nothing. I am ok, just very sad, even with all of the knowledge. No matter what she is feeling, it simply doesn't change how I feel.

Thank you all again!
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apollotech
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« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2015, 12:19:33 PM »

For the pain that it is causing me, I am grateful for the validation that I meant something. If the desire is to maintain a connection, I believe that it is genuine and not that she wants to keep her toy as a back up.

Limbo,

Be careful brother, it sounds to me like you have bought into her words man. Yes, they may indeed be/sound genuine when said, but the underlying illness which drives them is the problem. You cannot take your eyes off of that.

This woman has again uprooted your emotions and is causing you pain. Do what you must, but do it for yourself, what is best for you. You have no responsibility regarding her; she is an adult, responsible for her own life. I know that you care about her Limbo, but you cannot sacrifice your emotional health for her because she says I love you. (You're already doing it Limbo. Be aware of that brother.)
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« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2015, 12:59:33 PM »

I hear you loud and clear, Apollo. It is for me. I need to do this. If I don't it will just hang. You are likely right, to a degree, I am opting for the view with rose tinted glasses, but when you live with someone for 4 years, it just can't all be smoke and mirrors. what happens in the end can't be disregarded but I can't reconcile with the possibility that I could have been so blindsided. I did put up with stuff that should have made me walk, The FOG did keep my in there much longer than I should have stayed but it isn't all FOG.

My ex was simply too proud and in a way lazy, to put on airs. I have mentioned that short of some very mild idealization, there wasn't a great deal of pandering to my likes and dislikes. I can't believe that there was nothing in her heart, although I thought that was the case after I bolted. I just don't know nor will I devote any time to analyzing it all.

My thoughts and desire at this point are driven by making me feel better. I am not hoping for or seeking a reconciliation. I think she has moved out of the city anyway and she has nothing to bring her back here. I have my son here, who is 14 so I am not going anywhere. I would never return to that situation again nor will I become an orbiter. This would cheapen me to a level that I simply cannot accept. I can't know what will happen in years to come, in terms of whether there is some form of renewed communication but this is down the road.

I would never set myself up to be treated like that again. I have to believe that there is someone else out there for me that will reciprocate and appreciate the love I have to give. I hope that we all find that person. I thought I had.

I greatly appreciate the wisdom and the sage advice. In no way am I walking past it. Once I find my footing, which you have all helped tremendously with, I need to stay the course and remain steadfast, otherwise, the Limbo status continues indefinitely. In my view it is she that has lost more than I.
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LimboFL
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« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2015, 03:59:02 PM »

Email sent, it was sweet, loving and kind but made it clear that in order to continue forward that the communication had to end here.

Dammit, I am heart broken again! Man, does this all stink!

In time, I will appreciate that I was given this opportunity. That I was able to leave things on a caring and kind note. That no matter what she feels or felt that my last words to her will be ones of love and kindness.

I can't believe how I have switched to this position. There has been and will be plenty of anger but why it all went away and I chose this path, I won't ever truly understand.

I know that those who answered were steering me away from responding but I believe that I made the right decision.

Thank you all again!
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« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2015, 05:27:22 PM »

So how are you feeling about things? 

Are you thinking about the impact your words may have made? 

Or are you able to shift focus to other things regarding yourself? 
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
LimboFL
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« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2015, 06:04:27 PM »

To be honest Sunflower, I am still reeling from the pain. Pain that I thought that I was done feeling. It was like saying goodbye, for good, all over again.

I feel like this was sort of a gift, though, in the sense that the brief reconnect came at a time where I had gotten past the anger and the blame and was simply able to express how I still feel about her, that leaving her and the two dogs I loved was devastating but more importantly that I was moving forward and that in order to do so, I needed there to be no more communication. That I didn't have it in me.

In other words, I got to explain that the NC was not some childish defensive reaction but rather what was needed for my healing. I got to say goodbye without all of the charged emotions.

It is like the wound re-opened completely, in one fell swoop, one voice mail.

I know that the recovery will be much faster and that I have, at least acknowledged that leaving the beautiful pup was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. It was so important for me to be able to at least get that out.

I suspect that, while I know that these emotions do have to do with her, that the one thing that I had to bury deep was the guilt of leaving the pup at what were likely her last days. It hung on me terribly.

I never thought I would ever hear from her again. That I was tossed and forgotten. Regardless of the motives behind the words, her feeling love, in whatever form, means a tremendous amount to me. I heard her call one of her exes once and all she did was mock and play with him. I didn't get that, I got "I love you".

This was closure for me, it was the way I wanted the last message to be, the true me not the angry and hurt me. The truth is that I didn't do it with the hope of anything. I will not think about how she will take it, because it was just sweet and kind. I would be lying if I don't have a sliver of hope that it might result in some regret, some sadness but I can't focus on what she thinks or how she takes the message. This was very different before, where I ruminated on how she might react to messages sent prior to the recycle, after the b/u, where I felt like I had thrown out a connected cable to her, where I waited wondering.

This time I am not, because I pointed no finger because I have no expectations. I know that it can't be.

It has been a very hard couple of days. I need to pull myself out of this and I believe that sending that message was desperately needed for me. My closure came from me.

I was going to PM you today, but it has been too difficult a day. I will though. Ihope you are holding strong and thank you for asking. 
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