wild ride

[canadianmate]

Well here goes... .

I need help... .

I have been in a relationship for thirteen years with a wonderful lady with BPD who I will in the future call J  We met in high school and she was my first. first everything girlfriend, first lover, first broken heart We had a child together at sixteen and then things fell apart. I moved across the country to be closer with my family and get things set up so that we could be together and I could afford to support our child on the way. after two months of working to get the money for an apartment and plane tickets. I made my nightly phone call to J to let her no the good news. After a short conversation J let me know that she would not be coming out that she had been told by her family that I was not going to be able to do as I had promised (Ie get things set up) so she had been involved with a mutual friend of ours and had moved on. I spent three months in a teenage love sick stupor and then did just that. After ten years I was reunited with J on the phone and we started to talk.  ( I was married at the time in a failing marriage) We became best of friends and talked almost nightly for two years. My marriage was coming to a quick end and after a six month separation I flew across the country to visit J. Well sparks flew and love was in the air after ten magical days I returned to the east and soon after J and E (E being J's daughter ) flew out to live with me. Things were great for about a year. I started to notice that J was acting very different. We would have a argument and then just an hour after she would not remember having it. anyway after several incidents and different reactions to situations I turned to the internet and research for answers. At one point I left my computer open to a BPD forum page and went to get a coffee, I came back to her reading it and crying.  I tried to reach out to her and was met with a rage. J told me she knew something was wrong but was not willing to seek help and that we could handle it. so after 12 years of research and living with someone with what I believe is BPD I have come to a point where the suggestions I get online in treating and living with someone with BPD I realize I am so in over my head. J came to me yesterday and told me she believes she has found out what the reason is for her "cycling" and what she calls her many faces of being are/ I asked her what she felt it was and she answered BPD. I have asked her if she is willing to talk to a psychologist friend of ours and she is not sure. I am afraid after all of the years of carrying this secret that I have made it worse and just don't know what to do.

I would appreciate any input.

Thanks,

Canadianmate   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome:

So you have been with her for 12 years, or have you recently reunited? I too was almost sure my husband had BPD, and he has since been told by his psychiatrist that he has "traits of it", if BPDh can be believed. He says his foremost diagnosis is Intermittent Explosive Disorder, but he told me he thinks that's a made up diagnosis. It's so hard for them to accept anything is really wrong with them. You are lucky that your girlfriend seems to be realizing what she has, and it may take more time until she's ready to seek the help.

It's a good sign that she is acknowledging it to you. Denial is such a strong feature for so many, that I always think that anyone who has a partner who at least is not in total denial, they are that much farther ahead of the game. You can't fix it, or her, but you can be there to support her, and encourage her. Also, the tools on the right of this page can be of big help to you.

[an0ught]

Hi canadianmate,

considering that the topic is on the table and she is seeing some aspects of the condition it may be best if you support her seeking treatment. One way of looking at treatment for BPD is that it is really about learning valuable emotional management skills. Nothing wrong with learning   . Targeted BPD treatment where the person is interested in improving has a very high success rate - and nobody deserves to suffer, she does want to live a better life.

I am afraid after all of the years of carrying this secret that I have made it worse and just don't know what to do.

Don't take responsibility here - there is no good way to deal with the dilemma BPD forces on us. A good starting point are the LESSONS at the top of the Staying Board page.

,

a0

[canadianmate]

After reading more and a lot more talking J has asked for a meet and great with the doctor and it being set up for later this week.  For the first time in over ten years U can see a real future here I am trying to keep my feet on the ground as I know there is a long road ahead and am very grateful for the words of encouragement here.

[an0ught]

Hi canadianmate,

that sounds promising indeed. Keep in mind that often with BPD when things are moving it is two step forward and one back. That is ok, we are in a long distance race here.

Maybe let us know how the session went from your point 

a0