The funeral - I took the high road

[Hawk Ridge]

Let me see if I can explain this concisely while asking if anyone has had similar situations or perspectives.

It was an eye opener indeed, very therapeutic.    I have had low contact with my xpwbPD for the last year.  I am close to her family, mostly her mother.  They didn't know about her BPD and it is not my place to mention it.  I wanted to heal and take the high road.  Again, we had minimal contact as I live 2 hours away.  During the last month, we sat together at her dying mother's bedside and became friends again, with a cushion of protective distance from my part with little self disclosure, but friends. One time, right after she arrived at the hospital, my replacement texted within 5 minutes of her arrival to say she left her belt at her house.  She tried to bait me a few times by telling me how small the replacements butt was and etc but I always replied with a smile, hiding any response.  She and her family asked me to sit with the family at the funeral and be part of the family activities that day and night.  I was honored as I loved her mother dearly, grieved her, and loved the family.

I went to therapy the night before.  I prayed and prayed for dignity on the drive there.  I felt guided by her mother all week as we had a very deep faith based relationship together.  I felt as if she wanted me to ensure I did not harm my ex so I found myself mulling the concept of forgiveness of all.   Upon arrival, she hugged me and escorted me to the coffin. I was confident as I had been before our relationship.  I lost that when we were together.  She was my generous old friend again.  My replacement came in.  I approached her,  gave a hug, and said I had heard good things about her.  She responded distantly but kindly.  A little bit later, as we were waiting for the funeral, i made small talk.  She told me they were moving in together.  I hid my shock and asked how the job hunting was going as she had to relocate to move in. She had lived four hours away.

I noticed they dressed almost alike.  My replacement followed her like a puppy, walking behind her, not beside her, holding on to the back of her jacket as if she was afraid of losing her.  I can only guess that was a lot of insecurity - feedback?  I noticed my ex treating her as she did me, ignoring her and interacting with others a lot, including me in a very friendly and generous manner.  I continued to remain with the rest of the family and was friendly to my replacement even as she seemed to be avoiding me and giving off some angry vibes in my way. I felt at ease as I could observe what was happening while I had the privilege of having the cushion of not being in a relationship with my ex.  It's true!  They treat us differently when we are their significant other but hide it very well to the outsiders.  If i had not been through it and had the healing of over a year of LC and weekly therapy, I wouldn't have noticed.

At the burial, my ex again kept her distance from my replacement as she had with me when I was with her.  She stayed with me and the rest of the family and the replacement was often by herself.  That night, we all got together to celebrate the end of her mother's life.  She and my replacement showed up dressed exactly alike. (Can anyone explain that?)  My replacement wouldn't look at me even though there were few people there.  My ex kept ignoring her and hung out where I was.  As they departed for the evening, my ex hugged me.  I thanked her for including me and told her it was a pleasure to meet her new partner.  She looked shocked as I smiled in kindness as I truly felt finally free... .I didn't want what they were living.  I was not willing to be a part of the triangulation. I really had made steps in healing.  The replacement was trying to leave without saying goodbye so I gave her a friendly shout and told her I was glad to meet her.  She responded the same but looked uncomfortable.  Do you know what? i meant it.  I am very comfortable with my ex as just that, my ex, but also an old friend (we grew up together).

In unwrapping this, I had a few thoughts and a few questions.  First of all, the replacement has been with her for a year.  When we were together, the cycling started within 3 months and a lot of it was the ignoring of me in public or the desire to be with anyone else but me.  The silent treatment always began as soon as we got in the car to drive away.  My replacement did not look healthy - they both looked pale serious and unhappy.  They both smoke. I was straight before my ex.  I was her 3rd straight woman and the previous 2 also went back to relationships with men. That used to hurt her, her previous partners having gone back to men as I have.   I am and I dress femininely.  I am an upbeat optimist, was before her and after I healed from the first nine months after she left me (i was horribly depressed).  I am a runner and a health nut as I always have been.  She and I never looked alike as I embrace my femininity and healthy life style.  Not to be arrogant but I looked good dressed in heels and a beautiful black dress. 

[myself]

You sound like you're at a very healthy level of acceptance. That you've continued to grow through this while moving on, instead of staying stuck. It's great that you had the chance to honor your friend's mother, with such kindness and respect for all included. The living definition of 'friend'.

[Hawk Ridge]

I just realized thr last part of my post was cut off.  How embarassing to leave it with my thoughts that i was confident that day.  Anyway, here's the end.  Oops

[Hawk Ridge]

They both tried to bait me (ie., small butt comment and moving in together) but I responded unfazed with a kind smile.   I can't help but think the replacement is going through what I went through.  For her to move away from her support system to live with someone that controlling and unstable, I have to wonder if it will get worse when they move in together.  (Thoughts about the living together situation)? What was up with the two of them dressing a like and her walking behind her holding on to her jacket like a lost puppy?  I am guessing insecurity and perhaps uncomfortable with my confident and at ease presence.

We are all in our 50's. My ex and I are professionals and the replacement is not, has several children while my ex and I did not, has a legal history I (in my earlier days after the break up) am aware of multiple financial judgements and a felony theft conviction.  I can't help but wonder about the train wreck that awaits yet i know I can't think about it.

The true gift of this is I was offered the opportunity to say goodbye to a woman who was like a mother to me, to return to a safe but protected friendship with my ex because of my ongoing healing while maintaining close ties with her family, and to see where I used to be and never wish to return, that being the significant other of a pwBPD as they do their Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde act of being kind to all others except the significant other.  I am free.  Thank you, God, for being with me and for all of you in taking this healing journey with me.

[Panda39]

It's quite interesting being the "outside observer" and still be in the moment at the same time isn't it?  I had the same experience with my mother a few years ago. I had been going through a year long process of re-discovering myself and learning finally in my late 40's to love myself.   

I went across country for a family visit and was in a much more healthy and self confident place than I had been in sometime.  I was interacting with her, her boyfriend and my brother but was observing her as well.  This was when I finally realized that she would never be the mom I wanted her to be and I would never be the daughter she wanted me to be... .radical acceptance.

I had several interesting moments during this visit but the last though small had made a big impact.  My mom's boyfriend asked a trivia question and I answered it correctly.  No one acknowledged that I had given the correct answer.  My mother was totally focused on my brother.  My mom's boyfriend said "Hey, can anyone play this game Panda39 gave the right answer!"  My mother had been waiting for... .expecting my brother to give the right answer and expected me not to know it... .Very enlightening for me and because I was observing not taken personally.

My mother values intellect and I value emotional connectedness.  I have never been "smart" enough and that message has been conveyed to me by her my whole life.  I in turn find her extremely unsympathetic and unempathetic.  We are a very mismatched parent/child pairing.  Thankfully as a child and young woman I had a dad that loved me just the way I was, but he died almost 20 years ago when I was 33.  I am left with my mom and my brother who is a PhD college professor!

I think being able to achieve that detachment is a gift.  It doesn't mean you don't care about that person any longer, it doesn't mean you've forgotten all those hurtful moments, it just means that you have confidence in yourself and love yourself enough to know who you are no matter what others say or do.  You have also shown emotional growth while you were at that funeral you didn't fall into any old patterns of behavior.  You have learned some things and are creating a new way of doing things, meanwhile your ex has Washed, Rinsed and is on "Repeat" (in matching outfits!  ).

So I just want to commend you for how you handled what was an already tough situation (loss of a friend) with grace.  Nice job 

[Trog]

They both tried to bait me (ie., small butt comment and moving in together) but I responded unfazed with a kind smile.   I can't help but think the replacement is going through what I went through.   .

Almost certainly, even if you are not triangulating you can bet your life she is riling her up her new gf and making her feel uncomfortable about you.

Wow, bet you're so glad to be out. They.just.never.learn.

[Hawk Ridge]

Trog, I had wondered if she was doing just that.  When we were together, she spoke of her exes... .often.  I never had occassion to meet them but found that I felt protective of her when she talked of their cruelty and confused when she painted them white.  The replacement's angry energy toward me and insecure behvaior... .well, i wondered if it was that or perhaps her lack of comfort with my presence.  It feels good to finally come from a place of compassion for my replacement rather than shame and jealousy.  I honestly pray for her that she will get out but she reminds me of where I was, begging for table scraps.  It was a mercy I guess that my ex broke up with me.  I also pray for my ex, that she will find some relief and get some help.  No one deserves to live like that.  I loved her and want her to get help.  I love me now so a friend who keeps a protected cushion works out just fine.  Blessings all around. 

[apollotech]

Hi HR,

"When we were together, the cycling started within 3 months and a lot of it was the ignoring of me in public or the desire to be with anyone else but me.  The silent treatment always began as soon as we got in the car to drive away."

Yep, idealization ends, and with it, a love based on want where reciprocity is readily extended from the pwBPD. That changes after idealization into an unhealthy needs based adult love (true care giving love excluded), extreme need in the case with a pwBPD, where reciprocity is replaced by marginalization. I too saw/experienced, felt my exSO's absence of "desire" to be with me/for me. We should never be with someone that doesn't want to be with us. And that want should be expressed/felt in undeniably obvious ways. (With all of that said, that lack of desire may also be fear of engulfment triggered, as the end result is distance. My pondering the reason is a moot point, as an absolute needs based love is unhealthy in an adult relationship [again, true care giving love excluded].)

You sound like you are in a very healthy place and have a very good grip on what you want, and just as importantly (maybe more so?), don't want from a love interest. Without a doubt, your replacement isn't happy nor well.