Confused, sad, etc.

[caramac30]

Hi All,

I have been in a relationship with a BPD man for 13 years and last week he ended things with me because he felt like there had always been something missing from our relationship. Unfortunately he's always been able to get round me with that marvellous manipulation tool that goes with the territory (I think he has some narcissistic tendencies too) and he now wants someone he can't "persuade to do things".

Aside from being incredibly sad about our break up and being able to see the problems we have had through the years, I am worried about him and what he is doing - he's embarking upon a relationship with a girl nearly half his age who has problems herself and he's not coping well - he's throw himself into her heart and soul.

Our financial and domestic situation is such that neither of us can move out at the moment so we are attempting to live together as friends - I'm under no illusion that this will repair our relationship or make him see me in a different light, it is purely a practical thing. But, this means I am finding it hard to distance myself from that compulsion to help him solve all his problems.

Having read through some of the information on this site I am just gutted that I didn't find it sooner as it has answered a lot of questions for me about him and also about me and the way I have dealt with his disorder all these years. I just wanted to connect with others who might be in a similar situation - either loving someone with BPD, or breaking up and also anyone who may have some tips on how I can deal with this break up in the best way without destroying both of us in the process.

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi caramac30, 

Welcome aboard. You have come to the right place for support and understanding. Most of us here have had similar situations that you will be able to relate to. Sharing your story really helps. 

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.     Ending a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD) can be incredibly tough. I can imagine how painful it is living with a person who you are no longer in a relationship with. 

I understand that you have a compulsion to help him. What is making you feel this way? 

[an0ught]

Welcome caramac30,

sounds like you got a complex situation at your hand - BPD makes things complex so you are here in good company 

Both the Staying Board LESSONS as well as the Leaving Board LESSONS will provide some guidance on what to do. Boundaries will be very, very important. Re-establishing perspective and gaining distance and maneuvering space is important even for people who want to stay long term. In that sense it may be good to worry less about what to do and think about what you are not going to do. There are good workshops on boundaries and people here on the board will help you thinking through them and getting them in place.

Again ,

a0