Contacted by his ex

[vortex of confusion]

I wasn't sure whether or not to post this here or in the personal inventory section. I settled on here because I think there are some things that I can explore that might help me to improve our relationship.

As part of my husband's recovery, he unfriended any and all females that he has ever been in a romantic relationship with or even had a crush on. I was very proud of him for that.

He unfriended his ex fiance. They were together over 20 years ago. I have always thought it a bit odd that she seemed so keen on keeping in touch with him. Several years ago, he unfriended her and she sent me a message. I told him. He pretended it was a mistake and added her back. Somewhere along the way, she added me and my mother in law as FB friends. I didn't really see the harm as it would allow me to see what kinds of stuff she was publicly discussing with my husband.

Anyway, he unfriended her again. She publicly posts this on my page:

"Hey there, your husband is in trouble with me because he unfriended me on FB. I went and did blah, blah, blah for him and wanted to tell him but couldn't since we aren't friends any more." (That isn't the exact wording but that is the gist.)

I tried to send her a private message explaining what was going on. He unfriended her as part of his recovery. On the public thread, I asked her why she as doing that for my husband. Was there something going on between them that I needed to know about? I thought his mother did blah, blah, blah for him. She seemed confused and started the whole, "I was trying to do him a favor and make a kind gesture." I kept asking her if he asked her to do this. I didn't get a straight answer other than that she was there and took it upon herself to do blah, blah, blah for him and wanted to tell him about it.

I ended up being a bit of a jerk via PMs because she didn't seem to get that I don't trust her or my husband. I told her that I thought it was creepy that after all these years she is still buddy buddy with MIL and is so insistent on having a relationship with my husband.

Part of me knows that my husband has NO control over her behavior. There is no way that he could have predicted that she would do that. The other part of me is angry at my husband because he cut contact with her without sending her a message letting her know why. I felt like I was put in a position to protect myself because my husband doesn't know how to deal with his own stuff.

Am I overreacting? I am hopping mad that this woman had the nerve to contact me and then act like I am crazy for being upset that my sex addict husband's ex fiance is contacting me to tell me that he is in trouble with her.

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[vortex of confusion]

I have been thinking about this and I am mad at my husband. I am trying not to take it out on him but I am mad that this other woman had the nerve to contact me. I have been telling my husband for years that I was not comfortable with his friendship with her. This goes way back to when we were first married.

I am not a jealous person. My husband works in a female dominated field and he does a lot of online gaming with females. There have only been two or three females in the 17 years that we have been together that I have had this kind of reaction to so I know it is not me being ridiculous.

He has disregarded my discomfort with her for years. Now, he unfriends her and she acts like she is so offended. In the messages, she acted like she has more right to my husband than I do because she has been friends with him for so long. Now, I am questioning whether or not she is the liar or if my husband is the liar. When I brought it up with my husband he said something along the lines of, "I am not sure why I added her as a friend all those years ago. I guess it was easier to add her than it was to hurt her feelings. I know how she is.

It is like her feelings are/were more important than mine and that hurts.

[Jessica84]

I think the blame for this falls on her. Your husband unfriended her as part of his recovery. He did what he was supposed to do. Should he have done this sooner? Probably. But I can see how it might've been easier for him to keep her as a FB friend all these years than to confront her, if she's like this. She was out of line posting that message publicly to your facebook for all the world to see. Most likely it was meant for HIM to see. She lost contact with him so she figured she would use you to get to him. That isn't right.

Have you thought about unfriending her as well? The fact that she's doing things for him without him asking her to and saying he's "in trouble for unfriending" her are red flags.

[vortex of confusion]

I think the blame for this falls on her. Your husband unfriended her as part of his recovery. He did what he was supposed to do. Should he have done this sooner? Probably. But I can see how it might've been easier for him to keep her as a FB friend all these years than to confront her, if she's like this. She was out of line posting that message publicly to your facebook for all the world to see. Most likely it was meant for HIM to see. She lost contact with him so she figured she would use you to get to him. That isn't right.

You are right that the blame for this falls on her. I didn't expect it to cause such a fire storm of emotions in me. Even though it falls on her, I still feel mad at my husband. It is like all of the emotions that I have put a lid on are flooding out. It brings up the feelings that I have had about him not taking my feelings into consideration. He was more worried about not confronting her than he was my discomfort. The first time I met her, she and him ganged up on me and started talking down to me like I wasn't part of their little whatever it was. I called my husband on it back then. For me, it feels like one of those things where I was dismissed so I swept it under the rug and tried to forget about it. Now, it is biting me in the butt.

Have you thought about unfriending her as well? The fact that she's doing things for him without him asking her to and saying he's "in trouble for unfriending" her are red flags.

She unfriended me.  She seemed to want to have a conversation with me and beat me over the head with the fact that she had been friends with my husband and his family for soo long. They live in a small town, blah, blah, blah. I put her on the defense. At one point she told me, "I can't talk to you any more." And then she unfriended me. Yes, I was a real b***h to her. Quite frankly, I feel like her continued attempts to be friends with my husband were like ex stalker than friend. I even told her that her continued attachment to my husband and his family was a bit creepy. Even my in laws have mentioned feeling a bit confused about why she is so friendly with them. She posts on my MILs page like she is part of their family.

And, the insecure parts of me start thinking crazy stuff like, "Maybe my husband would have been happier if he had married her instead of me. She never had a problem with his porn usage. My MIL would have been much happier with her as a DIL because she is so good at kissing MILs butt." I know these thoughts/feelings are irrational and based on my own insecurities. He spent all these years keeping her as a friend and worrying about HER feelings yet doesn't seem to have a problem with hurting MY feelings. Yes, I can see how irrational I am thinking and feeling. I am trying to sit with these feelings and let them roll off without saying or doing anything about them.

[Jessica84]

She does sound stalker-ish. That would creep me out too! Sounds like you have a lot of resentments to work through. I feel for you. Certain people in my bf's life trigger me the same way. It isn't all his fault, but he's the culprit who brought the weirdos into our lives so part of me does still blame him. Sorry you're going thru this 

[Jessica84]

For what it's worth, I doubt he's considering her feelings either... .he's considering his and what's easiest on him. I don't know if this helps you take it any less personal. That's the road I have to travel down for my own sanity... .

He's not trying to hurt me. He can't help it, but he's trying. Doing the best he can with what he's got.   

This inner dialogue sort of helps me combat the wicked feelings that well up inside. Hang in there!

[Fian]

I can't say I have experienced this kind of a situation, so I don't have too much advice to give.  The one thing I would caution against is if she can get you upset with him for unfriending her, then she has succeeded.  The next time he will think that it is easier to keep her friended than to face both of you being mad at him.

[vortex of confusion]

He's not trying to hurt me. He can't help it, but he's trying. Doing the best he can with what he's got.   

This inner dialogue sort of helps me combat the wicked feelings that well up inside. Hang in there!

I have found the whole "He's not trying to hurt me" line of thinking to be a bit of a slippery slope. Where do you draw the line with that? Hitting? Verbal abuse? Something else?

What about the possibility of allowing myself to feel the wicked feelings? I think that is what I want/need to do. I am really, really good at combating my feelings by intellectualizing them. I have that mastered pretty well. I am trying to stop intellectualizing things and find ways to allow myself to feel things without acting on those feelings.

Does that make sense? Thoughts?

[vortex of confusion]

I can't say I have experienced this kind of a situation, so I don't have too much advice to give.  The one thing I would caution against is if she can get you upset with him for unfriending her, then she has succeeded.  The next time he will think that it is easier to keep her friended than to face both of you being mad at him.

If he refriends her again, then he will have to face my wrath. I will not be a happy camper. Also, whatever "relationship" she has with him seems to be in her head. I would like to think that my husband is being honest when he says that she is an annoying nuisance and that he has no idea where she is getting this stuff. The thing that she did for him is something that he asked her to do for him when they were dating some 20 years ago. She did this thing for him last year and he said thank you and that was it. My husband seems confused and mad at her more than anything. Right now, my husband is in a position where he has to prove to me that he is working on things. He is trying to regain my trust. Refriending her would lead to some pretty serious consequences and we would likely go back to me never sharing a bed with him and taking off my wedding ring again.

[Jessica84]

He's not trying to hurt me. He can't help it, but he's trying. Doing the best he can with what he's got.   

This inner dialogue sort of helps me combat the wicked feelings that well up inside. Hang in there!

I have found the whole "He's not trying to hurt me" line of thinking to be a bit of a slippery slope. Where do you draw the line with that? Hitting? Verbal abuse? Something else?

What about the possibility of allowing myself to feel the wicked feelings? I think that is what I want/need to do. I am really, really good at combating my feelings by intellectualizing them. I have that mastered pretty well. I am trying to stop intellectualizing things and find ways to allow myself to feel things without acting on those feelings.

Does that make sense? Thoughts?

That may be healthier, I don't know. When I "sat with my feelings" they went in all different directions. I'd start with one emotion then get overcome with another. For me, that didn't feel healthy or productive. It drained my energy, made me more resentful and sucked me down a drain hole. My relationships went topsy-turvy with everyone in my life. I got a case of temporary BPD!

Everyone is different. I've seen others make great progress with this, but it was a setback for me.

I started feeling much better when I stopped and realized it wasn't personal. I know the slippery slope is to repress our feelings. I try to acknowledge them but not sit with them too long. His intent makes a difference to me, too. He hurt my feelings. Did he do it on purpose? If not, then ok, so my feelings are hurt. I won't deny that. But is sitting here stewing in the sewer of hurt feelings supposed to do something other than make me hurt worse? I can't speak for anyone else, but that was self-inflicted torture to me.

My life and r/s started to improve when I stopped to rationalize things a bit. You did that first, and now are leaning toward allowing the feelings. Maybe we took opposite paths and we're both headed toward somewhere in the middle? 

[vortex of confusion]

My life and r/s started to improve when I stopped to rationalize things a bit. You did that first, and now are leaning toward allowing the feelings. Maybe we took opposite paths and we're both headed toward somewhere in the middle? 

I think you are spot on with this Jessica84. I know I have seen the ven diagram where wise mind is where emotions and logic intersect. Here is a link to it: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

I know that I can sometimes be too logical at times so I am working on trying to find that balance between logic and emotions. When I do let myself feel things, I tend to go a bit too far. Posting this thread has been my attempt to get to that place where I let myself feel all of these icky feelings without acting on them. I think being able to allow myself to feel things without acting on those feelings is part of what is going to help me set boundaries. If I rationalize everything away, then why do I need to set boundaries? At least that used to be my line of thinking. If I am not comfortable with something, I can admit it and set boundaries accordingly rather than dismissing my own discomfort. I hope that makes sense. I think I am still working it all out in my head. 

In the past, I would have rationalized this and said that I had no right to be upset. I would have rationalized things to the point where I ended up feeling guilty because I had an emotion that was illogical. I don't want to stew in it. I want to acknowledge that it is there and learn from it.

[Jessica84]

That is brilliant. Yes, yes, yes, makes total sense.  

Good points, especially about the boundaries. We have to feel the discomfort to set them.

Problem I had was I took my feelings to a whole new level... .down into despair or anger, and still didn't set boundaries! My feelings spiraled and always led to my acting on them... .and nothing good ever came of that! There has to be a bit of both to understanding all this - feel some, rationalize some, keep it in balance. Maybe it's like a recipe: Stir in feelings, add a dash of logic, toss in some common sense, sprinkle heavily with validation.