Back to me

[Allmessedup]

so after about a year I am back.

Some of you may remember my story... .but it's basically the same as the rest.  DxBPD partner.  Together for 3 years, split finally in jan of 2014.  I spent a lot of time here between jan and april.  Back together till last week.

And now it's over and time to work again on me.

It has been difficult this time, but not as difficult by far as last time.

It's day 3 now and I am doing ok.  Looking inward rather than blaming.

I think that there is definately some relief here as well.

And that's what I wonder about.  Did I really never think it was going to work again?  Did that make it a self fulfilling prophecy? 

Or am I simply not as engulfed by the FOG?

I am still early out and I know this well... .and still get angry, but who am I actually angry with?  Her or me? 

I am the lonely child... .understanding driven to the extreme and while I have not yet posted to the leaving board again I would like to delve into what inside of me that allowed me to go back to the relationship and why I stayed despite the behaviors that I could see were toxic.

Any thoughts?

[fromheeltoheal]

Good questions!  We don't do anything unless we're getting needs met on some level, sometimes in a backhanded way, or sometimes we'll just put up with a lot of crap to get some important needs met at a low level.  So what needs were you trying to get met in the relationship?

[Allmessedup]

Ahh... .  Heal to heel... .a familiar "face". And good questions as always

So what needs was I trying to meet?

The whole rescuing thing for sure.  Right before we got back together I was horribly concerned she was suicidal.  When we got back together she was very ill physically.  That whole she can't live without me thing.

I was of course quite happy to get the idealization back... .if only for a week.  What a damn powerful drug that is!

I think there is the whole need to know I wasn't abandoned again after all as well.  I got a long story about how much she missed me and how she did all of this to help me kind of thing

Those are things that brought me back.  Plus the fact that I had learned SO much here.  I was certain I could do it better and we could have that "dream" again... .basically that I could control that by changing me.

And thing is I tried.  Seriously and devotedly tried.   Validation, SET, boundaries... .etc.  I really used the tools here.  And while I did better on my end of the relationship... .I was ok when she dysregulated, I worked very hard at detaching,  it still was pretty much the same mess all over again.

No suicidal behaviors, no self harming, no gas lighting.  But still none of my needs were getting met and ultimately I ended back up on the d*mn eggshells.

[fromheeltoheal]

The whole rescuing thing for sure.  Right before we got back together I was horribly concerned she was suicidal.  When we got back together she was very ill physically.  That whole she can't live without me thing.

So digging a little further, what needs does rescuing meet?  Does it give you a sense of superiority or control?  Does it ensure someone won't leave?  Is it a search for love, by giving to therefore hopefully get?

I was of course quite happy to get the idealization back... .if only for a week.  What a damn powerful drug that is!

Yes, a borderline's need to attach forces the ability to attach to be pretty awesome.  Done by mirroring you, showing you the good in you, so we fall in love with ourselves all over again.  Until the cracks in the mirror show up.

I think there is the whole need to know I wasn't abandoned again after all as well.  I got a long story about how much she missed me and how she did all of this to help me kind of thing

Oh how benevolent of her.  So what would it mean if you were abandoned?  And what need does knowing you weren't abandoned meet?  Your need for certainty?  Need for significance and validation?  Need for love and the need to know you are worthy of it?

Those are things that brought me back.  Plus the fact that I had learned SO much here.  I was certain I could do it better and we could have that "dream" again... .basically that I could control that by changing me.

And thing is I tried.  Seriously and devotedly tried.   Validation, SET, boundaries... .etc.  I really used the tools here.  And while I did better on my end of the relationship... .I was ok when she dysregulated, I worked very hard at detaching,  it still was pretty much the same mess all over again.

No suicidal behaviors, no self harming, no gas lighting.  But still none of my needs were getting met and ultimately I ended back up on the d*mn eggshells.

Good for you for learning and steeling yourself and then trying again, and cool to hear you did better with the knowledge.  My ex tried to contact me for about 9 months after I left her, and once the fog had cleared and I got educated, she just seemed so transparent and ridiculous, and repulsive ultimately, I just got happier I'd left, and shocked I'd been deep in that, but I did wonder how well I would have been able to handle it had we hung out after all that.  We'll never know... .

[Allmessedup]

But of course all of the above... .

If I could rescue her then she could never leave me.  I could control whether she loved me or not... .

And so many cracks there were indeed.  But this time around it was more easy to see at least.  Sometimes she would talk about stuff and I would be all like silently screaming you make absolutely no sense... .how can you not see that? 

For me being abandoned means very much that I am worthless.  That somehow I have failed.  A recovering codependent I am definately. 

It's just insane honestly... .my head knows these things.  I honestly do. But this heart of mine can be dumb and is not logical.    Even when we first got back together I saw some stuff and my brain said ummm that's just not right.  But my heart... .well it hangs in to hope awfully tight.  And that's the issue that gets me.

I tend to think if I just try hard enough it would work. But really it was so not about lack of trying on my part. 

So my heart and my head are conflicted.  Which leads to very vacillating emotions. 

I had a really good day yesterday.  Today not so much.  It is surprising to me being only five days out that I can have a good day already which says I am a lot farther than I was the last time around.  Hell I am pretty sure I was still in bed with red puffy eyes then.

And I am sad, and rather pensive tonight.  It's been a stressful day so that plays a role. 

I figure the answers I seek are all inside of me and perhaps if I find them my heart might catch up.

Good for you for seeing thru your ex!  And not even going there at all when she contacted you.  I can't say I completely regret my choice to try again, as it did help me have some closure... .but damn I would be a lot farther out right now too... .

[fromheeltoheal]

So my heart and my head are conflicted.  Which leads to very vacillating emotions.

Yep, that's common around here.  My take is our head knows what's right, but when we do what's right our heart protests, so there's that inner conflict that with time, distance and a focus shift away from our ex and the past and towards our bright future, eventually our heart softens and agrees our head is right.  At which point it's time to go get in something that the head and heart agree is right, with our newfound wisdom and hopefully a little more maturity.  Take care of you!

[Allmessedup]

Thanks heal to heel.

That's very true... .and also very hard.  I think in some ways it comes from not trusting myself more which is something I need to work on hugely.

Time will pass and eventually I will heal... .I just know it will be much quicker if I spend my time in this board:)

I am not devestated.  Hell I am not even surprised.  I did manage to maintain some sembelence of detachment in our recycle and that helps.

I spent a lot of time the first time around on what a train wreck she was.  And she is.  But so was I to have gotten involved in the first place and that is what I want to keep working on.  Me

[fromheeltoheal]

that is what I want to keep working on.  Me

Yes!  And that's the key to detaching, shift the focus entirely away from her and entirely to you.  Healing is another issue, because it wasn't really about our exes, it was about our inner conflict of chasing something, a fantasy, that had no basis in reality, as we tried to get needs met by someone who could never meet them and was just a drag to be around.  Once we start digging there it builds momentum of its own, and away we go into a new life and a better version of ourselves, and the ex just fades away... .

[Jack_50]

Allmessedup,

I think you went back because of your instinct.

By default, men have a very strong protective instinct towards women. It often brings us into trouble with malevolent women; lots of women play the damsel in distress, and it works every time.

A more deeper need is for you to be someone's hero.  Another male need.  By saving her, you had a chance at being a hero, and you didn't hesitate at the option.

Because this is all related to instinct, there is no direct logical explanation.

Just my 2 cents,

Jack

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Allmessedup, My session timed out before posting, so I'm going to give you the abridged version.  First, I admire your courage.  Second, we nons have this capacity for ignoring red flags.     We see them, but it doesn't stop us from jumping back in the ring, time and time again.  Third, there is something pitiful and wrong about trying to be a White Knight on a mission to save someone who on some fundamental level prefers not to be saved.  Fourth, BPD is a bottomless pit in which I nearly drowned.  Lastly, I don't minimize your pain, but perhaps you call allow yourself to feel grateful in some small way that you are out of the toxic soup.  OK, I think that covers it!

LuckyJim

[Allmessedup]

Exactly heel to heal.  This journey is not about her.  It's about me.  What brought me there... .what kept me there, and what brought me back.  I am not dissolusioned about the illness and its ramifications.  But something in me needed what she had to offer... .and that's the broken part that I hope to find again in all this.  How did I let things veer so far from who I am inside.  Why did it happen in me.  That's what I hope to find out and the heal it:)

Jack: thank you for your insight:). Although I am a girl (lesbian) I find that both the rescuing white knight(ress) and the protective instincts are very strong in me as well I believe this has to do with being the protector for my younger sisters at a very early age.  Something to delve into for sure.

Lucky Jim:  I believe you too were on thus board the last time I was here . It's so good to see familiar faces.  I agree with your points and actually I am grateful.  We never got as far as living together.  Something always held me back from that.  I think some part of me always knew this would go down in flames.  Some protective part of myself I suppose. And in reality I suspect this part played a role in the demise of the relationship. I believe ultimately the catalyst was me going away out of town twice in a month.  The last time was because my grandfather was dying.  I did not text her at all during that week.  I sent email only because I knew instinctively that in order to get thru my grandfathers death and subsequent funeral I needed to have distance from her.  Ultimately she ended things 3 days after I got home. I would not change what I did though.  That was what I needed at the time and honestly I knew it would cause major dysregulation... .but I so didn't care.