New Member in a delicate situation

[wwfd1220]

Hello all, First I would like to start out by telling you That I am now one month removed from my 2 month relationship with my 47 y/o ex BPD gf. Like many others I did not find out what was wrong with this girl until recently through my counselor. So, now I am tying into as much info as I can on this illness. Like most of you have experienced, this relationship started out pretty hot our of the gates. I am 40, and she is 7 years my senior, but you would not know that looking at her. She looks like she is in her mid 30's (probably due to cosmetic surgery, which she is a fan of). This girl made me feel more loved and appreciated than anybody I have ever had in my life. I felt like a king when we were together. She fell for me rather quickly. We had sex the first night we met, and it was indeed the best sex I have ever had (she also claimed it was the best she ever had). within a week she was telling me she loved me after the first crocodile tears episode while having sex... .I truly fell for this girl very hard. we broke up briefly after week 3. Then she came back and kept texting me how much she missed and loved me. Of course I went running back because I was this girls savior after hearing about all of her other abusive relationships. She is definitely a BPD waif! in the end, she ended us because she was expanding her small business to Iowa (which fell through ,and she waited 4 days to tell me), but after it fell through then she couldn't be with me because her feelings were hurt from a voicemail I left. a week later I simply asked her by text (all of our communication since the break up has been by this method) if she wanted me to leave her alone. she stated " as of now yes, I do not want you to contact me". So I ceased contacting her. That lasted for 3 days. She reached back to me and simply said "I just wanted to say hi" I said "Hi" in reply. then on mothers day she liked a Facebook photo I posted of my mother and I. The day after she sent me a photo of a new hair style she was thinking of getting and said she needed my opinion... ."do you really like it?"... .then 3 days later she asked what I was doing (it was a Saturday night), and I told her I was going out with friends to see a live band. her reply was basically "i will send you something to think about while you are out" Then she proceeded to send my some really hot panty and t-shirt pics whilst laying in bed... .I asked for a picture of her feet (she has really sexy feet) and she was very offended by that. her reply was " I just sent you some pretty hot pics, and all you want is my feet"? then followed that up with "could you please delete those pics? I just got caught up in the moment and now I feel kinda slutty"

  That was a week and a half ago now. She has since gone cold (it is her time of the month) with only replies to my texts instead of initiating them. I really want this girl back. She is definitely a waif BPD, but I totally lover her. On Sunday I decided to start 30 days no contact with her. I have not heard from her since Saturday, but she is definitely stalking my Facebook profile ( you can actually see who stalks your profile the most. watch on YouTube). I am guessing once her period is over this week she will initiate contact again, but I am holding true to the 30 days and we will see what happens... .I am open to any opinions and suggestions any of you may have

[cosmonaut]

Hi wwfd1220,



I'm sorry to hear about your recent breakup with your gf.  I understand how confusing and painful these breakups can be.  My own has been the most painful of my life.  It can really send us reeling to have someone tell us how special we are and how much they love us, and then suddenly we aren't and they don't want to be with us.  It's extremely hard to deal with emotionally.  This is what tends to happen in relationships with so much idealization and mirroring.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

It is very common for BPD relationships to move very fast.  Sex on the first date, instant proclamations of love, idolizing levels of admiration etc. are a consequence of the need of people with BPD (pwBPD) to form attachments with others.   This is at the very heart of the disorder since the disorder is a result of pwBPD not having properly developed a sense of self very early in life.  This isn't their fault - it's something that happened to them and nothing they had any control over.  However, as a consequence, pwBPD seek out partners to fuse with their partner's self and thus become "whole".  pwBPD recognize that sexuality and idealization are very powerful tools to form attachments with others, and why they are so commonly utilized early in the relationship.  I think you are also definitely seeing the push/pull behaviors where your ex wants to be close, but when she gets close she pushes you away.  This is so common with BPD.  It's a consequence of the disorder.

If you want to try and continue a relationship with this woman, the first thing you will have to accept is that you are a trigger for your ex.  This isn't your fault.  Not at all.  It's a consequence of the disorder.  But it does mean that you are a source of emotional dysregulation for your ex, which is why she is pulling away from you.  Again, this is not your fault.  This is BPD.  The best thing to do when your ex is triggered like this is to give her space.  Chasing after her will likely only worsen her feelings of engulfment.  In the meantime, I would recommend reading up on the Lessons on the Staying board.  These are the tools that we need to better relate to our partners and to help to soothe them when they are dysregulated.  If your ex returns and you want to try again, these are the tools you will need to master.  Staying means that we must change too.  pwBPD have unique needs in relationships.  Also, I would be very careful of attempts to make a strategy or play games with your ex.  pwBPD are already hypervigilent and they often have keen powers of perception.  Things like maintaining 30 days of NC as some sort of strategy are likely to backfire.  NC is a tool for us to heal, it can't be used as a tool to get our ex back.  NC has a place, but only if it is for our own healing.  There is simply no way to know if your ex will return or not, and no way to predict it.  Just like with any breakup, sometimes couple reunite, and sometimes couples don't.  Every relationship is unique - BPD or not.

Hang in there, wwfd1220.  I know how hard this can be.  I've been there too.  Know that you are not alone.  We are all here to support you.   

[wwfd1220]

Hi wwfd1220,



I'm sorry to hear about your recent breakup with your gf.  I understand how confusing and painful these breakups can be.  My own has been the most painful of my life.  It can really send us reeling to have someone tell us how special we are and how much they love us, and then suddenly we aren't and they don't want to be with us.  It's extremely hard to deal with emotionally.  This is what tends to happen in relationships with so much idealization and mirroring.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

It is very common for BPD relationships to move very fast.  Sex on the first date, instant proclamations of love, idolizing levels of admiration etc. are a consequence of the need of people with BPD (pwBPD) to form attachments with others.   This is at the very heart of the disorder since the disorder is a result of pwBPD not having properly developed a sense of self very early in life.  This isn't their fault - it's something that happened to them and nothing they had any control over.  However, as a consequence, pwBPD seek out partners to fuse with their partner's self and thus become "whole".  pwBPD recognize that sexuality and idealization are very powerful tools to form attachments with others, and why they are so commonly utilized early in the relationship.  I think you are also definitely seeing the push/pull behaviors where your ex wants to be close, but when she gets close she pushes you away.  This is so common with BPD.  It's a consequence of the disorder.

If you want to try and continue a relationship with this woman, the first thing you will have to accept is that you are a trigger for your ex.  This isn't your fault.  Not at all.  It's a consequence of the disorder.  But it does mean that you are a source of emotional dysregulation for your ex, which is why she is pulling away from you.  Again, this is not your fault.  This is BPD.  The best thing to do when your ex is triggered like this is to give her space.  Chasing after her will likely only worsen her feelings of engulfment.  In the meantime, I would recommend reading up on the Lessons on the Staying board.  These are the tools that we need to better relate to our partners and to help to soothe them when they are dysregulated.  If your ex returns and you want to try again, these are the tools you will need to master.  Staying means that we must change too.  pwBPD have unique needs in relationships.  Also, I would be very careful of attempts to make a strategy or play games with your ex.  pwBPD are already hypervigilent and they often have keen powers of perception.  Things like maintaining 30 days of NC as some sort of strategy are likely to backfire.  NC is a tool for us to heal, it can't be used as a tool to get our ex back.  NC has a place, but only if it is for our own healing.  There is simply no way to know if your ex will return or not, and no way to predict it.  Just like with any breakup, sometimes couple reunite, and sometimes couples don't.  Every relationship is unique - BPD or not.

Hang in there, wwfd1220.  I know how hard this can be.  I've been there too.  Know that you are not alone.  We are all here to support you.   

I guess I should reiterate that I am not using the NC as a tool really. I am using this time to help myself heal and get better. I apologize if that came off wrong. We have been broke up for over a month, and in the last week and a half I have received texts such as "I know you don't want to hear this, but I really miss you" or "Just remember how much I love you, and I am doing this for you" or "In my heart I know I should be with you right now" and then a week later I get nothing from her. It is so very confusing really, but very understandable now that I have tied into this information. I knew something was not right from the beginning. So where do I go from here? She is constantly stalking my Facebook profile. I can only assume it is to see what I am up to. I do indeed want this girl back, and I am willing to learn the tools needed to deal with this disorder. I am also working on myself during this time to become more independent. Knowing that I need to be in order to set boundaries if we were to reconcile, but also because I need to be less codependent for my own good.

[cosmonaut]

I think you've got it right.  Now is the time to work on yourself.     That's the best thing to do right now.  She's sending all sorts of mixed messages because she's dysregulated.  It sounds like she has a great deal of other stress right now, and many pwBPD have a hard time handling stress.  That's not helping anything, but it's not something that you can control either.  She will need space to get her emotions under better control.

Where to go from here?  Well, the ball is sort of in her court.  She's emotionally dysregulated right now and she needs space to try and get her emotions under better control.  This is something all pwBPD struggle with.  She will need some time and space to do that.  If you want to continue a relationship with her, I would spend the time really learning the tools.  You might also want to post on the Staying board and get some support and guidance from the members there.  It's important to realize, however, that there is nothing you can do to make her come back.  She will have to do that on her own.  The best you can do is to become well acquainted with the tools of staying (particularly tools like validation).  This will give your relationship the best possible footing if she does come back.  It's also important that we work on ourselves.  pwBPD require a partner who can provide soothing for them, since they lack the ability to self soothe.  They are not able to be equal partners in the relationship.  You will have to be the rock in the relationship.  Probably the best thing you can do is to respond friendly and supportive if she contacts you, but give her as much space as she needs.  This will best minimize her feelings of abandonment and engulfment.

Also, please always remember that no matter what happens this is not your fault.  It's not your fault that she left.  This has nothing to do with your qualities as a partner or anything you did or didn't do.  This is simply BPD.  pwBPD push away the people they love.  It's just the disorder at work.

Good luck with everything.  Spend some time working on you and be good to you.  You deserve it.  Keep posting her and learning the tools too.  We're here for you.

[wwfd1220]

I think you've got it right.  Now is the time to work on yourself.     That's the best thing to do right now.  She's sending all sorts of mixed messages because she's dysregulated.  It sounds like she has a great deal of other stress right now, and many pwBPD have a hard time handling stress.  That's not helping anything, but it's not something that you can control either.  She will need space to get her emotions under better control.

Where to go from here?  Well, the ball is sort of in her court.  She's emotionally dysregulated right now and she needs space to try and get her emotions under better control.  This is something all pwBPD struggle with.  She will need some time and space to do that.  If you want to continue a relationship with her, I would spend the time really learning the tools.  You might also want to post on the Staying board and get some support and guidance from the members there.  It's important to realize, however, that there is nothing you can do to make her come back.  She will have to do that on her own.  The best you can do is to become well acquainted with the tools of staying (particularly tools like validation).  This will give your relationship the best possible footing if she does come back.  It's also important that we work on ourselves.  pwBPD require a partner who can provide soothing for them, since they lack the ability to self soothe.  They are not able to be equal partners in the relationship.  You will have to be the rock in the relationship.  Probably the best thing you can do is to respond friendly and supportive if she contacts you, but give her as much space as she needs.  This will best minimize her feelings of abandonment and engulfment.

Also, please always remember that no matter what happens this is not your fault.  It's not your fault that she left.  This has nothing to do with your qualities as a partner or anything you did or didn't do.  This is simply BPD.  pwBPD push away the people they love.  It's just the disorder at work.

Good luck with everything.  Spend some time working on you and be good to you.  You deserve it.  Keep posting her and learning the tools too.  We're here for you.

Thank you so much for your opinion. Could you explain what the different acronyms are? I know what BPD is, and I am familiar with waif BPD. but what is pwBPD etc.?

[cosmonaut]

Absolutely. 

pwBPD = people with BPD

We use a good amount of abbreviations here.   

You can find an guide to them here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

[wwfd1220]

Absolutely. 

pwBPD = people with BPD

We use a good amount of abbreviations here.   

You can find an guide to them here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

again thank you... .so do I cease from texting her? do I let her reach back again and hone SET, and validation?

[cosmonaut]

You'll have to go with what you think is best.  There are really no rules.  It's important to realize that your actions may not be interpreted rationally.  Feelings are often facts for pwBPD and her feelings when you contact her will likely dictate the response.  Sometimes contact leads to very different outcomes that we had intended or hoped for.  There's just no way to know.  My personal advice is to give her some space right now while she is dysregulated.  My thinking being that you are a trigger and the outcome is not likely to be positive to intrude on her withdrawing right now.  If she contacts you that's different.  This is only my advice, however, and I can't guarantee you it is the "right" decision.  Ultimately, you really will have to go with what you think is best.  Learning about the disorder and using the tools that I recommended earlier will give you the best foundation to work from in making these decisions.