Meeting tonight with wife, priest

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Meeting the stbx uBPDw tonight with our parish priests, and two lay women from the local congregation.

I know they're going to counsel and advise against divorce. That's fine. I'm getting divorced regardless.

If the wife disregulates it'll actually make things easier in that respect. They've heard my side of it; if they witness it, they'll probably back off a bit. But that's basically moot, because I'm getting a divorce.

I know I asked once before about how to handle the "why" question. I have no idea how to handle that.

I'm thinking of keeping most of the attention on a) the marriage isn't healthy, b) I'm not healthy, c) I know divorce is wrong but I want to end it and I accept all of the spiritual and moral consequences. I can't do this anymore; I have no hope of things ever approving.

I think I want to avoid playing the blame game. It won't fix anything, and I'm not going to be heard. I have no desire to win arguments anymore. I won't win if I try.

Any tips on helping me convince uBPDw that "divorce is happening, start packing, get an idea of how much you want/need to get a new start"?

I'm probably headed back to a motel tonight, and a full-court press for a furnished room for rent tmw.

Thoughts?

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Meeting the stbx uBPDw tonight with our parish priests, and two lay women from the local congregation.

I know they're going to counsel and advise against divorce. That's fine. I'm getting divorced regardless.

If the wife disregulates it'll actually make things easier in that respect. They've heard my side of it; if they witness it, they'll probably back off a bit. But that's basically moot, because I'm getting a divorce.

I know I asked once before about how to handle the "why" question. I have no idea how to handle that.

I'm thinking of keeping most of the attention on a) the marriage isn't healthy, b) I'm not healthy, c) I know divorce is wrong but I want to end it and I accept all of the spiritual and moral consequences. I can't do this anymore; I have no hope of things ever approving.

I think I want to avoid playing the blame game. It won't fix anything, and I'm not going to be heard. I have no desire to win arguments anymore. I won't win if I try.

Any tips on helping me convince uBPDw that "divorce is happening, start packing, get an idea of how much you want/need to get a new start"?

I'm probably headed back to a motel tonight, and a full-court press for a furnished room for rent tmw.

Thoughts?

Gomez

[Thread]

I'm going to just let you know... .I am a believer and as much as I believe in fighting for your marriage, I also am going to let you know I do not believe divorce is wrong.  

God created divorce... .it is in the Bible, it is there for a reason. Living in a BPD relationship can be abusive emotionally, verbally, etcetera.  Some people can handle it, some cannot.  

I don't have answers to your other questions on how to answer the questions as to why, but I would bring up the abuse... .compare it to that because it is the truth, it is a cycle of abuse.

But what I hope you don't do when you do get a divorce is feel guilt or religious shame about it.  

[Sunfl0wer]

Meeting the stbx uBPDw tonight with our parish priests, and two lay women from the local congregation.

I know they're going to counsel and advise against divorce. That's fine. I'm getting divorced regardless.

If the wife disregulates it'll actually make things easier in that respect. They've heard my side of it; if they witness it, they'll probably back off a bit. But that's basically moot, because I'm getting a divorce.

I know I asked once before about how to handle the "why" question. I have no idea how to handle that.

I'm thinking of keeping most of the attention on a) the marriage isn't healthy, b) I'm not healthy, c) I know divorce is wrong but I want to end it and I accept all of the spiritual and moral consequences. I can't do this anymore; I have no hope of things ever approving.

I think I want to avoid playing the blame game. It won't fix anything, and I'm not going to be heard. I have no desire to win arguments anymore. I won't win if I try.

Any tips on helping me convince uBPDw that "divorce is happening, start packing, get an idea of how much you want/need to get a new start"?

I'm probably headed back to a motel tonight, and a full-court press for a furnished room for rent tmw.

Thoughts?

Gomez

My advice:

Trying to convince her anything is not a worthwhile goal.  Come up with a goal/expectation that does not depend on HER in any way.

[Sunfl0wer]

I am also concerned that you left the home.  Is your L aware?  In agreement?  Maybe I am not understanding/seeing something about that issue.

(I thought I recalled an option where you assisted her to book a hotel... .maybe I am mistaken?)

[gomez_addams]

Hanging: no religious guilt here. I'm just so broken that I'd prefer to not debate it too much with the church leadership. This isn't really a concern.

Sunflower:

My advice:

Trying to convince her anything is not a worthwhile goal.  Come up with a goal/expectation that does not depend on HER in any way.

She wants to avoid working (forever) and travel overseas on a mission trip. A large lump sum (her share of assets, worst case scenario of alimony, and lawyers fees) will make that possible. I'm going to DEARMAN the benefits to a quick settlement.

Thanks,

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

I am also concerned that you left the home.  Is your L aware?  In agreement?  Maybe I am not understanding/seeing something about that issue.

(I thought I recalled an option where you assisted her to book a hotel... .maybe I am mistaken?)

I caved and got a motel for two nights.

I'm probably screwed, but can score a room for rent. I'm googling Craig's list now.

Living in a rented room -- even for months during a lengthy divorce is not the worst outcome.  We have no kids, and we rent. There are some timelines beyond her control, and she would have to sue me to get cash after the next few weeks. If it comes to it, I'll be paying all the bills and buying groceries. The temp support she'd likely win is less than what I'd be paying in rent/utilities/bills.

Gomez

[Sunfl0wer]

Hanging: no religious guilt here. I'm just so broken that I'd prefer to not debate it too much with the church leadership. This isn't really a concern.

Sunflower:

My advice:

Trying to convince her anything is not a worthwhile goal.  Come up with a goal/expectation that does not depend on HER in any way.

She wants to avoid working (forever) and travel overseas on a mission trip. A large lump sum (her share of assets, worst case scenario of alimony, and lawyers fees) will make that possible. I'm going to DEARMAN the benefits to a quick settlement.

Thanks,

Gomez

Well, whatever you see suitable... . I always found that I had to speak in terms of their perspective... .their benefit... . All at the same time trying to make it seem like I was caving... .like it was their idea that I was being bullied into.  Give the appearance of failing.

If anything was presented as my idea= rejection.  Even if it did not benefit me in any way.

Good luck!

[Sunfl0wer]

I am also concerned that you left the home.  Is your L aware?  In agreement?  Maybe I am not understanding/seeing something about that issue.

(I thought I recalled an option where you assisted her to book a hotel... .maybe I am mistaken?)

I caved and got a motel for two nights.

I'm probably screwed, but can score a room for rent. I'm googling Craig's list now.

Living in a rented room -- even for months during a lengthy divorce is not the worst outcome.  We have no kids, and we rent. There are some timelines beyond her control, and she would have to sue me to get cash after the next few weeks. If it comes to it, I'll be paying all the bills and buying groceries. The temp support she'd likely win is less than what I'd be paying in rent/utilities/bills.

Gomez

Oh... .I thought you owned.  This clarifies that.  Why would you buy her groceries?  Is that what you meant?

[gomez_addams]

Re: groceries.

Not sure what I'd be legally required to do. I know I can't get out of utilities, phone, etc.

Her student loans are $400/month. They are NOT my loans. She's on her own.

But I'll know more after tonight.

Gomez

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Go get 'em,  Gomez.   Proud of you and your resolve.   Thinking of you.   Keep us posted!

[gomez_addams]

Meeting canceled. Stbx has a migraine.

She gets horrible migraines. She also gets migraines when there is a stressful event. I've never accused her of faking... .Perhaps sometimes they are anxiety driven.

I heard second hand that she told someone that if I am going through with the divorce that she is going home ASAP.

So... .She's set out sheets for me to use the futon in the spare bedroom. Do I use it, or get a hotel for at least one more night?

I need a good night's sleep. The motel was horrible. And I've got a line on a short term room for rent that might be available as quickly as "immediately"... .

I'm thinking an extra night away, no alarm clock... .And see if one of the rooms for rent pans out. Might help convince her I'm serious, and give me space during the emotional proceedings (settlement, signing papers)... .

[gomez_addams]

So I scored a nice hotel room for cheap. I'll be checking in after the church service.

She really wants me to stay in the spare bedroom. She's upset that I'm getting a hotel.

I'm going to try to validate, but I'm horrible at this. And exhausted from 2x nights in a cheap motel. Will not be at my best.

Gomez

[once removed]

hang in there gomez. dont have any advice to offer, but im keeping up with your posts and support you. hope you get a good nights sleep in the new hotel.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Nice hotel at a nice price.   You deserve it.   Hope you get some sleep!

(PS  I am intentionally not commenting on where you should sleep.   I think that is advice better given by those who've successfully survived the legal process of divorcing a pwBPD.   But I wish you peace (and sleep)  in the process!)