I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely, mayjar. I know how awful that feels. Please know we're here for you. We understand what you're dealing with. We know it's miserable.
It hurts so much to be discarded and made to feel like we aren't good enough. Please know, however, that this is not your fault and it's not because of anything you did or didn't do. This isn't because you aren't good enough. This is a direct result of BPD. pwBPD push away the people they love. They do this because emotional intimacy is extremely triggering for them. Being so close to someone is terrifying to pwBPD because it means that they may lose it - and deep down they are convinced that they always will lose it. Because deep down they feel so worthless and so broken that they are convinced no one could ever truly love them. So, they are hypervigilent for any sign of abandonment, and are even quite capable of imagining it where it doesn't exist. That is how powerful the fear of abandonment is to them. pwBPD also experience a fear of engulfment which is a bit more difficult to understand. Engulfment is a result of the failure to fully develop an autonomous "self", which is at the very root of the disorder. It is a feeling that they are being swallowed up by their partner due to the degree of fusing with their partners self. This triggers annihilation fears, which causes them to push away. So, you see this push/pull dynamic as the pwBPD oscillates between the fear of engulfment and the fear of abandonment. Eventually, these swings and the overall emotional dysregulation triggered by the emotional intimacy becomes so great that the pwBPD often runs from the relationship. Since, they depend on attachments for a sense of self, they often quickly find someone else to attach to. That's likely what happened in the case of your ex.
The take away from all of this, is that it is not your fault. You did not cause this in any way. This existed long, long before you ever met your ex. It was something that happened to him in very early childhood. This isn't his fault, but it's not yours either. No matter how wonderful of a partner you were, and chances are you were wonderful, his profound fears were bound to be triggered at some point due to the intimacy. And the greater the intimacy the greater the trigger. This is a cycle that your ex will repeat over and over unless and until her can face his disorder and manage to complete the development of an autonomous self. It is not something that you can do for him, and it's not your fault. Please know that.
Three months is a very short amount of time. It's perfectly natural to be so affected at this point. I am going on a year and a half and it was only around the one year mark that I started to feel like acceptance was sinking in. It's easy to underestimate just how deeply this breakup has affected us. The bond that was formed was deeply loaded and it may have even triggered some very old wounds in us too. That's often the case here. So, please know that it's not you. This is normal. And it's not your fault.
The best thing to do right now is to take good care of you. Are you doing anything good just for yourself? If not, you should. You deserve it. It's important that we nurture ourselves right now. Try and eat right, get enough sleep, get some exercise, get out of the house. Little things that help us to start feeling better.
Hang in there. I can promise you that things do get easier. And we're all here for you. You're not alone.
