New here... where do I start?

[Munka22]

This is my first time posting and reaching out for advice. A little about myself. I am 33, happily married and have an amazing 2 year old little boy. My family member affected by BPD is my mom. It is only within recent months that I have connected some dots and realized this is what I have been dealing with all my life. This past January my mother had a very serious suicide attempt. This was the first time this has ever happened but the threat of suicide occasionally came up over the course of my life. so the day my mom actually attempted was very much an eye opener for me. The day it happened I got a phone call from her... .intoxicated and going on about herself (a fairly normal interaction). She proceeded to tell me how she thinks suicide sounds so good sometimes and how she should take some pills. We talked more and ended with conversation with a I feel better, thanks for listening ,I am ok ,etc. needless to say I didn't call authorities, fell for her what felt like a scam and found out she took 2 bottles of pills within minutes of getting off the phone with me. I was so mad that she was going to leave me with all guilt of her death... .during this time I did a lot of thinking and for whatever reason remembered a time when I was a young teen. I had this flash memory of my mom telling me a therapist said she was borderline... .it was blown off never talked about and we just went on with life. Until now. I started researching BPD and this is my mother to a tee. It's scary to feel like I am reading the pages to my book... .she has not, is not or does not appear to be open to this idea... .she said she is "fixed". All the things I am reading are helping feel like I have not been crazy my whole life. What I don't know is what to do with this knowledge... .how to I approach my relationship with my mom so that I can feel good about my actions and get out from the fear or whatever it is I have... .clearly having a mom with BPD is complicated. I want to be the best mom I can be for my own son and my mom is toxic more often than not and I am at a loss. I appreciate any advice or guidance as I discover new things about me and my relationships.

Thanks so much in advance!

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Where do u start? Right here. right now.

It takes time to sort out all the moving parts of BPD.  Just learning that this is what i was dealing with was for  me the most valuable part of the journey.

I find acceptance of what is helps me not to ruminate over the past or worry over the future.

Accepting what is... .today. we don't need to like it or agree with it. 

then learn as much as you can to make life healthier for yourself. Look at recommended books here and the Survivors Guide.

keep us posted .