Getting back ex BPD, nearly 10 years together. NMIL involved

[naguma]

Ex BPD came over to get last of her stuff today. She's been pretty cold lately since she is dating a new guy (a total loser), today she was warm and well see below. I have always had a sense that she felt safer with me then anyone else, even after we broke up(actually she even said, "I miss being here, I feel so safe here.". She is now broke living at home with her mom, who is also broke now. Mom is draining all the resources. Also the other sibling is at home paying some rent. Mother has all her adult children around to take care of her in her waning years. Mom was getting nothing from either child until my ex and I broke, at that point Mom was okay financially. Soon as we broke up she started playing the wounded mother, by spending all her money so the BPD was stuck.

Did I mention the mother loves the loser who is also helping to spend money.

Been reading a lot of advice on my ex BPD as well as narcissism. My ex BPD was away from her mother for the first few years of our relationship. Then I proposed which BPD's hate and the mother starting playing jealousy tactics on my ex to cause her to move back home. I had no idea an engagement could cause such feelings or fear for rejection. When away from her mother, my ex BPD rages - but very mildly; and when she's happy - she is exactly what you expect from a BPD when they are happy. I can keep her happy enough without the mother nagging all the time. Been dealing with a nagging NMIL for 5+ years now.

Eventually I came to the conclusion I had to pay off the mother, pretty much literally. The NMIL wants an accomplice or a source, but I get the idea she wants a source more.

My ex BPD essentially told me that today. I never thought I had guessed so exact on. I used tactics I had read about to become "white" again. My ex BPD then starts telling me how her mother is broke. Then starts telling me how she is broke and/or can't afford to buy something (waif mode). In BPD fashion asked me to start helping her mom pay the mortgage. Then said straight faced "make sure I don't know". That's the way to win the mother over, make her think the money is because she is so special and deserves it (NMIL if ever).

Near the end, my ex BPD started telling me who it was okay to date; basically her rejection overload list. she literally said "You can't date *this type* of woman" - many times.

Near the end she was dropping ideas to keep us in touch, at least via texting (she has my number blocked, but I can text). She said we should exchange texts about 3 different things we don't need to talk about. Like dropping things off, she wants me to txt so we can meet in person.

Now, I know I wont be able to get the BPD back without dating - have to work the jealousy. Here's my issue, should I have sex or not? Would a BPD respond jealously if I had sex, or would it be another form of rejection? I'll do whatever it takes to get her back and make her happy. Maybe this time living with NMIL will turn my ex BPD totally nuts. It's always struck me that she is on the verge of never being happy. If the mother pushed to hard, my ex BPD might go over the edge - at which point she would be to angry for me to handle. She did ok when ever we did social things together - but only the two of us. Any more stress then that and it drove her nuts.

Also, should I keep to her list of "don't dates" or should I actually date from the "don't date" list. It's hard to tell what exactly she needs, when she asks straight forward like that. Easier to tell when she uses round about ways. As example, she said "don't date girls that are too young." then repeated that one about 4 times while holding her hands out in front of her gesturing and pointing. That was apparently top of her "don't date" list.

last, what sort of contact period should I use. Since she is on a high emotionally and jealous and feeling rejected. Should I take away the rejection before it gets to bad and let her know I am not sleeping with anyone or should I keep her guessing and stay NC for a while - but start paying off the NMIL (which in a way would be contact, since the BPD would know)?

Long term NC in this situation would be rejection to the BPD right?

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[naguma]

Forgot to mention a couple of things. I kicked the BPD out. After years of her mothers smear campaign against me and mental manipulation on her, I had it.

But then I didn't know much if anything about BPD or NPD at the time. Then they tried to diagnose me as NPD. So I started researching and figured them out, been much easier since - pretty sure my ex wants to come back but she is already stuck at home with NM. NM didn't like the fact I am a good guy. My ex made it pretty clear she doesn't like this new guy. It's so much harder to get free when the NM has you in her house.

NM actually set me up with her daughter because she thought I was a sleaze ball and could be a co-conspirator.

[an0ught]

Hi naguma,

seeing your Ex is always tough 

From what you wrote she is swinging back and forth telling you the new guy is great and then maybe not so great. Severing a relationship is not something a pwBPD does easily and so she is keeping a link open to you. For what end is difficult to know as she is so volatile.

Should you have sex? You have to know 

Generally we recommend that partners who leave a relationship with a pwBPD recover first before bringing their pain into the next relationship. But then a big question in your mind still seems to be whether you are letting her go?

Not an easy situation  ,

,

a0