Wedding Anniversary...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Formflier suggested I start another thread on this topic.  As I'm sure most of you know, my wife and I have been separated almost 11 months and she filed for divorce a while back (truly think it was a total manipulation tactic as she doesn't talk about it or bring it up unless she dysregulates and my side isn't hearing from her side at all).  We have our wedding anniversary coming up in two weeks and need advice on how to handle this.  I know this could be a big thing for her to dysregulate over and don't want that, but I don't think ignoring it is right either.  Since she dysregulated about a week and a half ago (big dysregulation), I have pulled back emotionally and so has she.  We spent some time together last weekend at our softball tournament, set up and worked a fundraiser together, and have talked on the phone a few times.  Currently I'm not putting myself out there (feelings-wise) so I gues you could say we are in a pull/pull situation.  I am letting her have her space and not pushing for anything.  Thoughts?

[MaroonLiquid]

Formflier suggested I start another thread on this topic.  As I'm sure most of you know, my wife and I have been separated almost 11 months and she filed for divorce a while back (truly think it was a total manipulation tactic as she doesn't talk about it or bring it up unless she dysregulates and my side isn't hearing from her side at all).  We have our wedding anniversary coming up in two weeks and need advice on how to handle this.  I know this could be a big thing for her to dysregulate over and don't want that, but I don't think ignoring it is right either.  Since she dysregulated about a week and a half ago (big dysregulation), I have pulled back emotionally and so has she.  We spent some time together last weekend at our softball tournament, set up and worked a fundraiser together, and have talked on the phone a few times.  Currently I'm not putting myself out there (feelings-wise) so I gues you could say we are in a pull/pull situation.  I am letting her have her space and not pushing for anything.  Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fian]

Let's consider some scenarios:

1.  You tell her that you don't want to celebrate the anniversary

2.  You wait until she brings it up and then tell her that you don't want to celebrate the anniversary

3.  You wait until she brings it up and agree to celebrate it if she asks.

4.  You decide to celebrate the anniversary and ask her if she wants to celebrate it.

I think #2 is a nuclear situation.  She will be hurt if she asks and you say no.  If you don't plan on celebrating, I think #1 is better, although she can react very negatively to that too.

#3 is the safe approach, but only if you feel you are willing.  #4 could be a "mend the fence" approach.

This doesn't answer the question on whether you SHOULD celebrate the anniversary.

[MaroonLiquid]

Let's consider some scenarios:

1.  You tell her that you don't want to celebrate the anniversary

2.  You wait until she brings it up and then tell her that you don't want to celebrate the anniversary

3.  You wait until she brings it up and agree to celebrate it if she asks.

4.  You decide to celebrate the anniversary and ask her if she wants to celebrate it.

I think #2 is a nuclear situation.  She will be hurt if she asks and you say no.  If you don't plan on celebrating, I think #1 is better, although she can react very negatively to that too.

#3 is the safe approach, but only if you feel you are willing.  #4 could be a "mend the fence" approach.

This doesn't answer the question on whether you SHOULD celebrate the anniversary.

I think #2 is a nuclear situation. 

I totally agree.

#3 is the safest.  I think with #4 it would put the ball in her court to reject me.  I'm not scared of rejection, just don't want her to have that kind of power.  We are setting up our "business" for a softball fundraiser the weekend before (her idea and I agreed) and could see that as a way for her to test the waters for the anniversary... .Maybe not... .Thoughts?

[Fian]

So if you let her initiate the conversation, that puts you on the track of #2 or #3.  I still think it is better to decide first if you want the anniversary celebration and then you can choose the track that you want.  In the mean time, I suppose you could try and avoid picking up on the hint, but that could be interpreted as a rejection as well (since BPD think they have super powers in reading people).

[MaroonLiquid]

So if you let her initiate the conversation, that puts you on the track of #2 or #3.  I still think it is better to decide first if you want the anniversary celebration and then you can choose the track that you want.  In the mean time, I suppose you could try and avoid picking up on the hint, but that could be interpreted as a rejection as well (since BPD think they have super powers in reading people).

The truth is, I do and don't want it.  I do want it because I want to have an evening just the two of us with no kids, no crap, just us.  Something tells me that isn't possible.  I don't want it because something tells me she will dysregulate or find something to get mad at so it doesn't happen.  I also don't want it because of how she has acted and feel it would be rewarding her behavior.  I feel it's another no win.  Don't know what to do... .Except pray about it.

[sweetheart]

ML, why not keep it simple, if you want to acknowledge your wedding anniversary with your wife, then do so.

Ask/do whatever you want, because you want to, because you love her and want to let her know this, because your wife and your marriage are still important to you.

Whatever your wife chooses to do/react to is entirely her right, and that's fine.

All the second guessing, strategies etc, kind of miss the point of what celebrating your wedding anniversary is about.

Just do what you feel is right for you.