Realisation after bad night Does anyone else have these ?

[Mayjar68]

So after a night of tears and sleeplessness, I finally fall into some kind of sleep and I wake up with big puffy eyes. I wonder to myself what the hell I'm doing to myself. Why have I let this man affect me so ? I know it's a question that many of you are asking yourselves also. I want to be free of all this heartache and pain. Then the penny dropped! I let him I let it carry on even though I saw the signs. I even remember saying to him if it looks like a duck walks like a duck and sounds a duck its a bloody duck. I was grateful to him for being with me, for choosing me to be his partner and that lead me to put up with all his behaviour. He had swept me off my feet in a whirlwind romance ( he was with someone too when I met him ) and when I saw the signs I denied that it was now happening to me.

It's not that I want him back, I dont ! It's just that I can't believe the level of deceit, the lies and the cheating ( even swearing on his child's life that he wasn't seeing her anymore ) Somehow I must pick up the pieces and move on. To carry on in my life and put this where it belongs ... .in the past. I must acknowledge that I'm free now and the the other woman has her trophy ( poor woman NOT ! She has all this to come. So why did I put up with all of that ? I tell you why because I have a condition that many people don't understand and even though I'm healthy and it's so well managed it doesn't have much of a impact on my life now, but I keep it close to my chest. He said it didn't bother him and he went with me to my consultant who told him all the information that he wanted to know about it. After that he said that it didn't bother him in the slightest.

My condition is that I have HIV ! There I said it Wow that's a big step for me to say that even if it's to faceless people . I thought I had found someone who could look past that and still want to be with me and for that I was grateful. I know that sounds bad, so I put up with all the bad treatment pushing my intuition aside because if a man wants to be with you after you tell him you have HIV how bad can he be... .Well it was bad ! I've learned that just because I have HIV I shouldn't have to put up with being treated like ___. That being alone with peace of mind is better than going through what I have. I know that I will feel bad at times and it's along road but I will work on myself to get through this terrible experience learn from it and who knows what around the corner.

Like I said I may have bad days and feel how could this happen to me but I know it's a process I must go through to get to the other side. If I can get through my diagnosis of having HIV and live my life then I can get through this and at the moment I think I can do it

Also I wanted to say thanks to all you kind people who replied to my posts

[Mike-X]

I am sorry for all that are struggling with right now. The mixed emotions seem to come with grieving the loss of the relationship and what I believe is healthy self-inquiry regarding your own views of relationships, who you are/were in the relationship, and your own limits and boundaries.

That being alone with peace of mind is better than going through what I have. I know that I will feel bad at times and it's along road but I will work on myself to get through this terrible experience learn from it and who knows what around the corner.

Like I said I may have bad days and feel how could this happen to me but I know it's a process I must go through to get to the other side. If I can get through my diagnosis of having HIV and live my life then I can get through this and at the moment I think I can do it.

It sounds like you have a healthy attitude toward wanting to recover from this difficult relationship and break-up. 

Have you had a chance to read the articles on relationship break-ups when BPD is involved:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

[wishfulthinking]

You know, I find myself being afraid that no one will want to deal with my health issues.  I don't have HIV, but I do have 2 cysts in my spinal cord that cause a LOT of pain some days, possible paralysis in my future and I have a rare condition that causes tumors in the chest cavity and one has blocked off a main artery and I have heart issues because of it.  Who is going to want to deal with that? 

So, I feel you.  I get it.  BUT... .it's still better than being yelled at, belittled, told what I'm not doing right, stolen from, used, lied to, and I just found out he's been on meth for months.  I had suspicion, but couldn't prove it.  He had a bad trip last week and ended up in psych ward, tox screen showed it. I had already filed for divorce and he was staying at his mom's the last few weeks, but I was still talking to him some.  Now, NO WAY IN HELL.  I'm complete NC.  Hard drugs do NOT have room in my life, around my daughter. 

Good luck to you and me and all of us.

[Mel1968]

I've learned that just because I have HIV I shouldn't have to put up with being treated like

Too right, Mayjar! And well done you for being brave enough to tell your story on here, which sounds like it was a really big thing for you to do. Be proud and thank you for sharing!

[Mayjar68]

Thank you guys ! I've been looking inside myself as I don't want to go through this again ever ! I have to be honest with myself as to why this happened. I hadn't been in a relationship for ages and never lived with anyone before. I just wanted to be like everybody else. Well the truth is if it's too good to be true then it is. He came and swept me off my feet and I believed it all. When I started having feelings that things were not quite right I ignored them. I have learned to trust my instincts. He took advantage of me because he knew how I felt about myself and he knew he could get away with it. ANOTHER LESSON LEARNED !