He just wouldn't co-operate, even with little things?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I was reminded in talking to a friend today how my expwBPD sometimes just would not co-operate,  little requests not to do things... .guaranteed I'd discover later he had done it... .We might trash out a plan but he wouldn't stick to it,  or he'd change it without telling me... .It felt like I was the ene my not his partner,  I think I actually began to think I was unreasonable making the request.  Can anyone relate?

[disillusionedandsore]

So I was reminded in talking to a friend today how my expwBPD sometimes just would not co-operate,  little requests not to do things... .guaranteed I'd discover later he had done it... .We might trash out a plan but he wouldn't stick to it,  or he'd change it without telling me... .It felt like I was the ene my not his partner,  I think I actually began to think I was unreasonable making the request.  Can anyone relate?

[Mike-X]

Do you think these things were passive-aggressive behaviors?

Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

[going places]

Passive Aggressive... .wow do I know that all too well.

"Hey honey, will you go with me to the grocery store, my back is killing me, and I would like your help"

"yeah sure"

So when you get home, you find the bread at the bottom of the bag, with a 5 lb bag of potatoes on top of it.

"Hey babe, will you do me a favor and take out the trash this week"

"yeah sure"

So he doesn't take the trash that's in the house, out to the cans, and only takes 1 of the 3 cans to the curb, and calls "trash pick up morning" to say "Hey, I forgot to grab the trash out of the house" and when you gather that trash, and walk outside, you see the other 2 cans... .THE FULL CANS... .next to the house, and the can that had 2 empty pop can's worth of trash in it, at the curb. Did I mention, that at the time, you are using a cane to walk because you have blown a disc in your back?

yeah, that was all part of his manipulation: to make ME feel bad for asking ANYTHING out of him. Ever.

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi Mike,  yes I think they were sometimes,  other times rules were broken and boundaries were crossed through impulsiveness and what he claimed was 'forgetting'... .  but there were many times when it would simply have been more advantageous to him to negotiate,  co-operate in the moment and he couldn't or wouldn't... .I could never quite get that... .unless because in his mind I' d be winning somehow if he complied with my request?  I dont know obviously,  was it about control or an inability to strategise for win win solutions... .?

[Dr56]

Getting my ex to sit down and cooperate about almost anything was a massive chore. I would have to give her several weeks' or even months' notice just to arrange a time to talk about a topic - from stressful things such as finances, taxes, my work travel schedule, and planning in-law visits, to much smaller things, such as when we might go to the gardening store, buy a new kitchen appliance, meet a friend for lunch, etc.

When we would finally get around to the date where we were meant to discuss the topic in question (not actually undertake it, mind you, just to talk about how we would tackle it), she'd often find a way to push off the discussion for an even greater length of time. Or she'd throw a tantrum, and blame me for putting too much stress on her, and would sit on whatever it was that needed to get done until the last minute, or just not do it at all. Then I'd basically wind up having to go it alone and deal with whatever it was despite her, for which she'd blame me further for not including her in the process . . .

[mgl210]

So I was reminded in talking to a friend today how my expwBPD sometimes just would not co-operate,  little requests not to do things... .guaranteed I'd discover later he had done it... .We might trash out a plan but he wouldn't stick to it,  or he'd change it without telling me... .It felt like I was the ene my not his partner,  I think I actually began to think I was unreasonable making the request.  Can anyone relate?

Hello!

I can def relate to your exp. A lot of times I would ask my former to help maintain the cleanliness of my house(she was staying with me at the time), and she would mention that she would, but I would then come home from working a 10+ hr day and find that my house was an even bigger mess than when I had left it ... .I am not saying that all with BPD are like this, but I know she refused to do anything, and I mean literally anything. It would have been nice to come home to some kind of food on the table awaiting me, even if it was a bowl of cereal I would have been content, but nope nothing. If I came home hungry, I can honestly assess that roughly about 90-95% of the time, I could find her still in bed sleeping and telling me that she wasn't hungry and that if i wanted food that I would need to either wait till she was hungry or go get food myself. Now if I had waited, I could have ended up waiting literally till like 10pm to hit a local diner to finally get food in my belly... .

So, yes I can relate all too well sadly, but yes I can relate

MGL

[Mike-X]

Hi Mike,  yes I think they were sometimes,  other times rules were broken and boundaries were crossed through impulsiveness and what he claimed was 'forgetting'... .  but there were many times when it would simply have been more advantageous to him to negotiate,  co-operate in the moment and he couldn't or wouldn't... .I could never quite get that... .unless because in his mind I' d be winning somehow if he complied with my request?  I dont know obviously,  was it about control or an inability to strategise for win win solutions... .?

Have you thought about all of this in terms of him possibly trying to cope with his own issues with low self-esteem?

I think that the section in the following on Taking on Narcissistic Traits to Help Cope might shed some direct and indirect light on some of these behaviors:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships