please Help, does my gf have BPD traits

[jdez]

My name is Jose and i need advice dear friends

i have been 8 months in a relationship with my girlfriend. I have been going through hard times and suspecting she has BPD traits. 

I am writing here in the hope that you can give me a quick advice. I really want to know if my gf has BPD traits or it it's my imagination. I will list here some of the things that have been happening, and if possible please tell me if this fits with having BPD traits. Im trying to find the courage to face all this.

- she clearly idealized me at the beginning, with lots of talks of me being her knight, her king, etc

She also spoke of herself having a feeling of what she deserves, she felt she deserved the best man possible that took great care of her, she knows how worthy she is etc

- she had a food disorder for many many years and this only stopped 2 years ago

- she had issues during childhood with family and other people

- she has often quick mood swings, we can be having amazing days but something not that important can trigger a big change in her mood.

 

- she can go from considering me so perfect and tell all her friends to complain about things like how i talk or walk or dress or anything

- we have lived together but after x weeks together she will say she needs her space and make me go from the home. Then after a few days she will be missing me so much and want to see me again. At the beginning it was truly shocking because she would really want me to go away, but literally 1 or 2 days later she would be desperate to have me back. with the months it takes a few more days for this to happen but it still happens.

- when she sends me away she gives me the silent treatment more or less. Like she wont skype or talk on phone with me for days. And no email or little email. I suffer a lot through this. Then eventually she comes back saying she misses me so much and etc, etc. This used to not happen at first during idealization, then it started to last 1 day then 3 days, last time it lasted 9 days.

- i am definitely the nice guy. I have gotten so scared of losing her that i have that walking on eggshells feeling and often i censure and i stop myself from expressing my true opinions or feelings for fear of triggering her. I also always try to make her happy and please her. But im conscious of not overdoing it so i also really try not to overdo it

- in the idealization phase i was very confident man actually, i wasnt yet too in love with her and i stood my ground much more. But once i fell in love strongly and she came out of that idealization phase apparently, well i became less confident, or i dont know, something eroded my confidence a bit so i think i became more pleaser and nice guy i guess, well im always a nice guy anyway, thats me, im a nice guy, but i mean that the first few months of relationship i really focused much more on me, whereas recently well i guess i have focused too much on her

- I have had a feeling to be constantly tested

- She has always emphasized how impressed she is that every time a problem appears i have stepped up and demonstrated her that i was there for her. She emphasizes this and that this is what kept her with me.

- and yet a new issue will eventually always appear

- she admits she is very controlling. After the initial idealization phase, she has found problems with how i dress, how i walk, how i talk, how i do this or that, and i have changed in myself some things to please her,

- she has emphasized how she wants me to be her rock at all times, her strong man, her king, her provider, etc. This certainly created male-female polarity which is actually a good feeling. I just feel it to be a bit exaggerated sometimes

- Some people say that women don't like weakness in men. In her case this is exaggerated. If i have some pain or break something i don't comment on it for fear of showing weakness.

She doesnt seem to be too interested in the problems i have

- I have the feeling she doesnt care much about my own problems. sometimes yes, but most other times she won't seem to care much at all about problems i am going through with work, finances or anything else.

- In general i have the feeling that she mainly cares about her needs and me providing for her and her satisfaction, and not much at all about my side of things.

- This of course was not like this during first few months of relationship when i was idealized. At that time she would be desperate if she didn't see me even 1 day. And she was really great then. But after that phase the change happened.

- our physical side of relationship has been amazing. The best i ever had. So intense, so passionate, nothing can compare to it.

- why do i stay with her?

She is beautiful, fun, she loves healthy life like me, we match in so many things regarding life and hobbies, we have very similar tastes

- however one thing that always frustrated me from her is that she and me have this amazing potential to do things together, in many projects etc, and many times we talked about it and she wanted to do projects with me. But then when i offer to start doing them she will kind of push against it.

She clearly always wants to choose herself what she wants to do and not be told what to do

- it's hard to give her my opinion about things as she says she doesnt like me to sound like I give her advices. I understand and i dont want to give her any advice but sometimes when i just state my opinion to her it sounds like im giving advice.

- I have the feeling she needs to always be the one to decide things and yet at the same time, contradictory, she says she wants me to lead and take decisions as that makes me the strong man she wants, and yet when i try to lead she often resists!

Current situation is that she almost broke up with me 2 days ago and i feel she is going to break up with me basically any of these next days. Physical side of things has stopped a lot. And our hugs etc don't feel like before. She is clearly feeling much less connected.

 

- another surreal thing. Over the months she has herself many times commented about our long term future, dreaming our future holidays, talking about our future projects, etc,

And yet sometimes when i have myself mentioned something about our long term future she freaks out and is filled with doubts, not always but sometimes.  It is as if she can think about our future but i cannot.

 

- she has mentioned many times that her relationship with her parents was never good.

I am torn. She is beautiful, very pretty, she is intelligent, witty, fun, talented. It's so hard to separate from her and yet it's so hard to be with her often.

can you give me with this your honest opinion, does this sound like some BPD traits

thank u so very much

hugs hugs

jose

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jdez]

i guess i should add two more things

- couple of times she wakes up by my side and says that suddenly it is as if she didnt recognize me , as if i was another man, that was shocking, this passes soon though,

- couple of other times she has spoken about feeling numb or empty,

i havent given much importance to those comments but when i put it together with the other things i wrote... .i dont know ... .

of course those have been very few occasions but i wanted to add it to the rest i wrote

thank you again

[jdez]

of course despite all i wrote , you can imagine that we are together, still (as we are about to break up anytime), because we have had also the most amazing and intense and beautiful moments the last 8 months, and that's why she has told all her entire group of friends openly everywhere that i am such an amazing man, so amazing etc and her family knows me well etc, etc

so of course it's this contrast that shocks me

[shokwavex]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you read my first post, you will see many parallels between our situation. In fact, the "feeling numb and empty" was one my gf told me she felt also. I'm no longer getting responses to texts, calls, even though she always has her phone strapped to her. It's like what they told you, all the dreams of getting married, are all just part of their imagination. It hurts very badly. During the last couple weeks, all she tells me is that she's miserable and taking it out on me, and its my fault she's miserable because we had a few arguments a FEW weeks ago... .yet the contempt and resentment powers her to ignore me. The most surprising thing is that she says time and distance will help her get over it so we can move forward. I'm starting to not really believe thats the plan.

Oh as far as the touching, when I did see her last briefly, she was acting like she's never met me before. Nervous and keeping a huge distance, giving me a half hug just like you say.

[jdez]

Sorry to hear that, i will read your first post, so what i wrote seems to match for you with BPD traits it seems, such a difficult situation... .hard to know what to do anymore

[EaglesJuju]

Hi jdez,

Welcome aboard.

I understand how confusing and erratic these types of behaviors can be.  

Although I cannot "diagnose" your gf, there are quite a few BPD traits.

- she has often quick mood swings, we can be having amazing days but something not that important can trigger a big change in her mood.

The core of BPD is a lack of emotional regulation. People with BPD (pwBPD) have a very hard time regulating or controlling emotion linked responses or emotions. Also emotional dysregulation is due to vulnerability to high emotionality (hypersensitivity to emotions). Something that may seem as innocuous or small may trigger a pwBPD, due to hypersensitivity.

When a pwBPD is dysregulating there are several characteristics such as, cognitive distortions/failures with information processing, dissociation/"freezing" during periods of high stress, insufficient control. impulsive behaviors related to strong positive and negative affect, and difficulties participating in activities to achieve goals that are not mood dependent.

Also, dysregulating can be presented as "over controlling emotions."  When a pwBPD over controls their emotions and suppresses, it can lead to a problem with affective communication, pervasive negative affect, low positive affect, and an inability to up-regulate emotions.

- we have lived together but after x weeks together she will say she needs her space and make me go from the home. Then after a few days she will be missing me so much and want to see me again. At the beginning it was truly shocking because she would really want me to go away, but literally 1 or 2 days later she would be desperate to have me back. with the months it takes a few more days for this to happen but it still happens.

Paradoxically, pwBPD tend to have fears of intimacy and a fear of abandonment. Typically this is referred to as the push/pull or "I hate you, don't leave me."

The fear of intimacy can be either fear of rejection, eg. "I must leave them before they leave me, because they are going to eventually leave me" or fears of engulfment eg. feeling like being swallowed up by the relationship and losing ones self, and feeling controlled and dominated by their partner. When this happens, a pwBPD will "push" the partner away. Pushing the partner away is displayed through creating chaos, starting fights/arguments, the silent treatment, and other behaviors designed to create "space" from their partner.

When the space/distance becomes too much, a pwBPD's abandonment fears will become triggered. A pwBPD can become clingy, needy, and almost childlike. This is the pull phase.

The behavior is contradictory and very frustrating. PwBPD crave closeness and intimacy, but due to their own emotional development, they cannot sustain closeness and intimacy. A large fear of borderlines is not being alone and the fear of abandonment. It is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy, what a borderline fears most, ends up happening through their own self-sabotage of the relationship with a fear of intimacy.

Take a look at the lessons on the right side of this page. They are tremendously helpful. The motto on the Staying board, is "Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." We cannot change our partner's thoughts or behavior, but we can change our own. Changing our own thoughts and behaviors regarding BPD helps us improve our relationship.  This has helped me cope with BPD behavior. Once you learn about BPD, you will find that they origin of the behavior has nothing to do with you.

What type of behavior do you have the hardest time coping with?

[jdez]

Wonderful reply thank u so much,

For me the hardest is not knowing where i stand because she changes plans as her mood changes so i cant plan much ahead and im never sure when is she next going to question the whole relationship, its that walking on eggshells feeling, i miss the feeling of the beginning i guess the idealization phase when i knew she was my gf and i could plan stuff and be in control more, now its chaos i have no idea when she is gonna be loving or the opposite or will break up or will miss me, anyway right now she is considering breaking up because i made a comment that i could imagine us married in future if we both wanted, she had suggested this herself in past, but when i mentioned it pammmmm she now has doubts if i am the man for her for long term, all is great relationship is perfect she says but hey im not sure about long term, as if suddenly she needs 100% certainty that we would be together forever?

[jdez]

And then exhausted i say ok if you want to break up right now , do it and i pick my stuff and leave, and she says oh no i dont want to Break up now, instead she says she needs more days to listen to her Heart... .anyway i have shown some weakness last day and i sense she will break up but hey she will do it when she decides its obvious my gf cannot often accept a suggestion opinion etc she needs to be the one to decide, and yet she wants me to lead and be her rock, im so so confused

[EaglesJuju]

The uncertainty and unstable nature of pwBPD makes it hard to know "where you stand."    I completely understand how difficult and frustrating it is. It feels like you are always on edge. 

I have had a lot of anxiety proverbially waiting for the ball to drop so to speak. Much of my anxiety was focused on "what will happen and what ifs."  I learned to live in the present time and learned that I cannot control my bf's behaviors. I started to look at myself and understand that I contributed the chaos of my relationship quite often. I have codependent traits of fixing, helping, self-sacrificing, and people pleasing.  I started working on changing my own codependent behavior.  Changing my mindset alleviated a lot of anxiety and worries. Also, learning about BPD has helped me become desensitized to much of the behavior. I take my bf's behavior less personally.

Setting boundaries, learning about BPD, and employing communication techniques really help with the feelings of uncertainty as well. In a relationship with a pwBPD, you are the non-disordered partner. Compared to your partner, you are equipped with more self-awareness of your behaviors, less impulsivity, the ability to control your emotions, and change your behavior with less difficulty.

Is your gf in therapy?

[jdez]

Wonderful reply again thank u so much, definitely when im very much in love i can get sometimes this codependent route and i work on it and want to avoid it at all costs, my gf is not in therapy i have not told Her anything about BPD, she is very aware of her mood swings she is tired of ThEm but seems to think she can fix them with diet changes , meditation or maybe breaking up wiTh me, i cant imagine telling her anything about BPD as maybe she is not although she seems to match quite well doesnt she, but she would freak out anyway , she   i guess needs to see by herself that something is odd in her behaviour

[an0ught]

Hi jdez,

Wonderful reply again thank u so much, definitely when im very much in love i can get sometimes this codependent route and i work on it and want to avoid it at all costs, my gf is not in therapy i have not told Her anything about BPD, she is very aware of her mood swings she is tired of ThEm but seems to think she can fix them with diet changes , meditation or maybe breaking up wiTh me, i cant imagine telling her anything about BPD as maybe she is not although she seems to match quite well doesnt she, but she would freak out anyway , she   i guess needs to see by herself that something is odd in her behaviour

Sounds there is some level of awareness but her attempts to fix it are all over the place. Maybe she'll get in a while to the point where she seeks some diagnosis and tackles her pain in a more targeted fashion. You are right that for the time being you can't push her much.

Most of the short to medium term improvements in any case come from us taking a different stance.

- i am definitely the nice guy. I have gotten so scared of losing her that i have that walking on eggshells feeling and often i censure and i stop myself from expressing my true opinions or feelings for fear of triggering her. I also always try to make her happy and please her. But im conscious of not overdoing it so i also really try not to overdo it

Being nice is nice but isn't enough. Often validation requires us to spell out negative emotions. Often we have to take a firm stance to protect ourselves, our sleep, our financial resources or the respect that is owed to us. Living with a pwBPD requires balancing validation, compassion and firmness.

- she has emphasized how she wants me to be her rock at all times, her strong man, her king, her provider, etc. This certainly created male-female polarity which is actually a good feeling. I just feel it to be a bit exaggerated sometimes

Nothing wrong with you Clark Kent  . You still want to remind her at times that Kyponite makes you weak and you have to rest to restore your powers. In these, really short times, sort of nano seconds she can be strong too.  

She doesnt seem to be too interested in the problems i have

When she is in a good mood your problems will be invalidating. When she is having own problems you probably don't want to add your own to the pile. Validation should help to make her a little bit more receptive to listening. Build validation skills and then move forward learning SET. SET may be a tool to share a bit more of yourself without triggering her.