Thanks, I'm still a little hesitant with the kids still in the house... .Or I'm just procrastinating... .
Interesting... .
Might be a good thing to start a new thread on this... .I challenge you to write out a post about what you would like to do... .and how you think it would go at home... .we might be able to give you some pointers on doing it in a healthy way... .
Isolation stinks... .bad... . So does feeling watched all the time... .
FF
Man, can't resist a challenge
OK, some background to make things clearer (or at least what I think is clearer).
1. uBPDw does not have typical background. It's not childhood related, she lost her first husband in their early 40's and found some things hidden in his closet. Nothing earth shattering (by these boards standards... .) but IMO it's the catalyst for a lot of her BPD behavior.
2. 2nd marriage for both of us. I'm divorced, her husband passed away.
3. None of the responses are what I think she'd do/say. All are responses that have happened 90% when the situation comes up.
4. Been married 5+ years, none of the example events have happened > 3 times. Also, I'm not cherry-picking events (so there aren't other events where I'm gone 5 times a month but am singling out ones she complains about.
5. I sing in a men's choir, very nerdy. We rehearse 2 1/2 hours once a week from labor day to memorial day.
6. Common to all discussions is "If you're not doing anything wrong why can't I come?". Which makes sense for any individual event, but when it's any and all events it takes on a new flavor.
So to keep it (somewhat) brief... .here's 3 common conversations:
1. Either her sister's husband, or her brother will say "hey, I'm down the street. Want to meet for a beer?", or something more planned, "I'm in town in a couple weeks, lets hit the local micro-brew for a beer".
Reaction: "Bars are where people meet for hook-ups". "I don't trust them (brother or brother-in-law), they make comments about 'hot waitresses'." "Is that why you want to go? To check out the waitress?"
Many conversations assuring her no, that's not why I'm going... .
2. I've enjoyed poker since early 90's. Haven't played a lot, a few tournaments a year when my family would meet in Vegas, a few charity events locally before we were married. We've been hectic, so a couple months ago I mentioned when things calmed down I may play a few local tournaments.
Reaction: (all of #1, since most charity events are held in local bars). I don't think poker is OK (this is my favorite, since given the choice she would come and play too). I don't think we should spend the money (I have my 'poker stash'... .since I'm currently up a couple thousand... .stash was per-marriage). Would you tell the pastor you play poker (yes, and why what would she tell the pastor if she's doing it but thinks it's wrong... .)
I started #3, but realize it (surprise!) comes down to communication.
There are a list of things I don't like (mid-life, blended family... .we got a bunch). And if she brings up something and asks my opinion I'll talk about it and let her know.
However, I don't pound my opinion into everything and anything... .So even though I haven't played a local poker event since we married, we've somehow managed to discuss it 10's if not 100's of times.
So I understand I can't control what she thinks or how she feels about playing poker, I just want to learn how to live a semi-peaceful life, where we spend less time talking about poker than the time I actually play poker. Her feelings are not a choice, the amount of time talking about poker
is a choice.
I call it the shot-gun approach to discussion. She'll come up with dozens of reasons why I shouldn't play poker. It doesn't matter if they make any sort of logical sense, If I address the substance of the objection, no problem, I'll just move onto the next one. By the time I get to the last objection, we can cycle back to the first.
