Talking with a 12 yr old about an emotionally abusive stepmom.

[understandnow]

Can anyone give me some insight in reference to talking with my 12 yr old granddaughter about her emotionally abusive uBPD stepmom.  She just left a residential treatment program. 

[Kwamina]

Hi understandnow

I am sorry that your granddaughter is having to deal with an emotionally abusive stepmother. In what ways is her stepmother emotionally abusive?

She's your granddaughter, but the issue you face is something also many members face who co-parent with a BPD parent. Perhaps you can benefit from taking a look at the Co-parenting board.

There you'll find resources that might be helpful to you too. I've selected a few that I think are particularly relevant here:

What to Tell the Kids About a High-Conflict Co-Parent

Child Development and Parents with Mental Illness

When a Parent Has a Mental Illness: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children

Take care

[understandnow]

Thankyou.  I have just visited the co parenting board and there is much information there.  My gd lived with us for awhile and is very close to us.  My uBPD Dil told her it was her fault that she withholds her three kids from us because we love my d12 more then her three kids, she alienated us from her kids and can't with my gd12 because her mom is very gracious with our visitation.  I was at a loss of how to answer her.  I just told her it was absolutely not her fault and that I would always be in her life because her mom knows how much it means to you.  I told her I loved all four of my grandchildren the same and I would love nothing more to be a part of everyone of their lives.  I praised her mother for allowing us to be a part of her life.  I told her I was sorry that my Dil brought her into adult issues.  Is there anything else I could say to her. 

I will continue to read info on the co parenting board.  Thankyou so much! 

[enlighten me]

If you dont have to tell her all at once then let her know a bit at a time. She has a lot to deal with now and you dont want to overload her. Just letting her know you love her and are always there for her will have gone a long way already.

[Panda39]

Thankyou.  I have just visited the co parenting board and there is much information there.  My gd lived with us for awhile and is very close to us.  My uBPD Dil told her it was her fault that she withholds her three kids from us because we love my d12 more then her three kids, she alienated us from her kids and can't with my gd12 because her mom is very gracious with our visitation.  I was at a loss of how to answer her.  I just told her it was absolutely not her fault and that I would always be in her life because her mom knows how much it means to you.  I told her I loved all four of my grandchildren the same and I would love nothing more to be a part of everyone of their lives.  I praised her mother for allowing us to be a part of her life.  I told her I was sorry that my Dil brought her into adult issues.  Is there anything else I could say to her. 

I will continue to read info on the co parenting board.  Thankyou so much! 

I think you are doing a nice job.  Validating your GD's feelings is very important keep that up. I read a good book about validating kids that you might want to check out.  The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn D. Hall and Melissa Cook.

Just keep loving her, be a support to her, and keep that communication open!

Panda39