Why do I crave her still after 3 months?

[confusedinWI]

It has been three months since I moved out and broke up with my ex gf. I'm mentally getting to the point where I know that the relationship was not going to work, that it was toxic and broken.

However, why can't I get over wanting her physically? Feeling that she is the most attractive person? Craving her touch, her lips, her body, kissing her, making love to her?

She moved on from me in less than two weeks from the break up. I know she's probably built this guy up, told him all the things she told me (even though she downgraded with him).

I know I have codependency issues to work on, maybe this is why I'm craving her. For how she made me feel when I was with her. The reassurance that I was attractive to her, that she gave me her approval?

I know if I were to be with her physically again it would not be the same as when I was with her my feelings were also intertwined. It wasn't just sex (for me) it was also intimate as well. I had love feelings for her.

But I can't stop thinking about her physically, and wanting her. When does that get better?

[fromheeltoheal]

What worked for me was to see other women.  A relationship with a borderline can do a number on us and rock our world, and that takes time to unfold, process, heal and grow, and we might not be willing or able to embark on another long term relationship for quite a while, depending on how long the relationship was, how intense it was, and how we're wired regarding the opposite sex and relationships, what our beliefs and values are around that. 

And that's OK.  One way I've screwed myself in the past, over and over and over, is to not communicate openly and completely with people as to what's really going on with me.  If I'd done that with my ex, and mind you I tried but there were many things I didn't say and should have, the relationship would have ended long before it actually did.  So accepting that, the solution is clear: communicate openly and honestly with people, which has been a goal that serves two purposes: it's me being who I am at my most authentic, and it's a great opportunity to see what reaction I get from whomever.  Some folks reciprocate with their truths, some don't engage, and some offer unsolicited advice or judgement, which I have no tolerance for.  So it's an easy way to weed people out whom I don't want in my life.

Sorry, slightly tangential, but the point is, I've done that with a lot of women, and communicating something like I just got out of a negative relationship, I'm not looking for another one right now, but you're very pretty, and would you like to go get some coffee right now.  What we communicate in words isn't as important as how we communicate, and if we're coming from a place of openness and honesty it's obvious, especially for women, and whatever happens happens, but the point is who my ex was shacking up with and what hell she was putting him through wasn't even remotely on my radar at that point, which is a very good thing.  Take care of you!

[cosmonaut]

It takes time, it takes grieving, and it takes a lot of self reflection.  It is not a short process.  3 months is not all that long in the big scheme of things when we are dealing with such a serious crisis.  We are wounded to our core and we have a tremendous amount of healing to do.  So, please don't feel like you are behind or going too slowly or despair that you will never heal.  We all heal at our own rate.  I would say 2-3 months post breakup was my lowest point actually.  I was in a crushingly deep depression and felt like I'd never get over my ex.  Perhaps you are experiencing similar.  It took about a year before acceptance set in and it's still something I am working to complete, honestly.  I can promise you that it gets easier, though.  This will not last forever, even if it feels like it right now.

Idealization is a powerful thing.  I have come to really appreciate how awesome its effect is.  Often our BPD partner not only idealized us, but we idealized them.  I know my ex was the most beautiful, sensitive, heartfelt, passionate, loving woman on the face of the Earth.  I think this is because she was soothing something deep inside of me, just as I was doing the same for her.  I adored her.  It's very hard to let that go, because it also means letting go of the soothing she was providing.  It means once again facing that deep pain inside of us.

Keep going, CiW.  Things will improve, and brighter horizons are ahead.  I understand how much this hurts right now and how hopeless it seems.  I've been there too.  I was told too that it would end, and it was hard to believe when I was in so much pain and grieving so deeply.  So, I understand too if this seems unbelievable.  All I can say is to keep going.  Focus on yourself and take good care of you.  Acceptance and detachment will come in time if you do.

[Mister Brightside]

Codependency and trauma bonding are definitely at play. I think the best way I can answer you is through a video, if you have 12 minutes to spare. The presenter is psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, a former codependent himself who was in relationships with cluster Bs but is now married to a healthy woman.

https://youtu.be/whjDeFZDEUk

[nowwhatz]

Confused for me it has been just over 3 months after the ending of the umpteenth recycle.  This is the lowest point for me.   I have seen a couple of different women over the last 2-3 months, one of them very beautiful and sexy. Helps a little.

As far as the craving as time goes on maintaining no contact combined with seeing other women I think it will go away.

My exgf is a few years older now and put on a little weight during the end our our r/s but is/was without a doubt one of the most gorgeous women on the planet. Gorgeous women BPD or not are in high demand and do not go out with guys who are not attractive.  In my opinion good looking BPD women in particular will only go out with attractive guys.

Your ex was beautiful so you will have many opportunities to meet other beautiful women in the future.

3 months out is the worst and I am right there with you. Hang in there.  I don't expect to get back to being anwhere close to what I once was for at least a few more months.

Do your best to keep busy, socialize, excercise and spend time with things you like, try new things... .I am looking into "meet up" groups to get me the hell out of my home office and break up my routines... .hopefully make new friends.

[Trog]

Codependency and trauma bonding are definitely at play. I think the best way I can answer you is through a video, if you have 12 minutes to spare. The presenter is psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, a former codependent himself who was in relationships with cluster Bs but is now married to a healthy woman.

https://youtu.be/whjDeFZDEUk

This is a really useful video. I've read this book but it doesn't hurt to be reminded to keep going with the work.

I have been in crippling pain, endless dreams of my ex, but it has got better and it gets better and better the more and more I read and look at myself. Why I behaved in this way, why i sought the love from someone so incredibly difficult and disordered. All my friends and family thought she was incredibly foul, foul to me and just weird and bizarre, they would not have dated her. This BPD relationship in my life is ALL about me, its all about us.

Yes it hurts, yes we feel deeply wounded and yes we are very lonely, watch this video, I have burnt with pain as this man speaks, sometimes I still do and the answer is self love, taking care of yourself and doing things that are good for your health and soul, understanding boundaries etc.

Have a look at these and you will be able to see areas where both you and your ex are not living to this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhuabY4DmEo

Its more important to see where you yourself are falling down. I can't argue with any of this. On a day to day basis if my self esteem goes down its always because I'm not being true to myself, or doing my best, or keeping myself focused on my goals, or being slobby and eating rubbish. It feels bad to make excuses for myself, you can't really BS yourself 100%