My wife is having an affair and drinking out of control

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't even really know where to start? My wife and I have been together 10yrs, married almost 4. Several yrs ago she was told she had BP tendencies. I think she should have been told too continue therapy, by both the clinic she went to, and by me. She did actually tell me this. I WAY misunderstood it! Like a simpleton! I thought "oh well, BL? I think a lot of us are BL on some issues!" You know what I mean? I didn't realize it was an issue all its own! Wow... .you talk about feeling like a fool and guilty because I let her down. I should have done the self knowledge and BPD research I have done in the past year, YEARS AGO. I had no clue what I was truly dealing with. Not knowing this, being 12yrs older than her, I said and did so many things the opposite of how I should have. Had a bad temper, often set off in reaction to her (no excuse, my bad), though right in the point/principal, totally wrong on delivery.

I'm here because I feel broken and devastated, my wife is having a full blown torrid affair. We are still together, but things are bad. Not fighting... .just rally messed up. I feel powerless. I read the leaving a partner with BPD... .I cried my eyes out, as I read all of it, comments as well.

It was my story and pain from the hearts of others. I am to a point now where I am questioning my own sainity? Wonder if I'm not BL myself! The past months I have learned to search myself and motives deeply. I do Love my wife so. But I can't take much more of this, I can't live this way. I can't put into words how my heart is broken and how painful this is. It's classic... .she is young, beautiful... .made me feel like king of the world and nothing could stop us... .as equal to that... .is the heartbreak I feel now. As I watch hopes and dreams and ten years of hard work... .just die... .seemingly tossed away as if it were nothing.

[Eymbrokn]

I don't even really know where to start? My wife and I have been together 10yrs, married almost 4. Several yrs ago she was told she had BP tendencies. I think she should have been told too continue therapy, by both the clinic she went to, and by me. She did actually tell me this. I WAY misunderstood it! Like a simpleton! I thought "oh well, BL? I think a lot of us are BL on some issues!" You know what I mean? I didn't realize it was an issue all its own! Wow... .you talk about feeling like a fool and guilty because I let her down. I should have done the self knowledge and BPD research I have done in the past year, YEARS AGO. I had no clue what I was truly dealing with. Not knowing this, being 12yrs older than her, I said and did so many things the opposite of how I should have. Had a bad temper, often set off in reaction to her (no excuse, my bad), though right in the point/principal, totally wrong on delivery.

I'm here because I feel broken and devastated, my wife is having a full blown torrid affair. We are still together, but things are bad. Not fighting... .just rally messed up. I feel powerless. I read the leaving a partner with BPD... .I cried my eyes out, as I read all of it, comments as well.

It was my story and pain from the hearts of others. I am to a point now where I am questioning my own sainity? Wonder if I'm not BL myself! The past months I have learned to search myself and motives deeply. I do Love my wife so. But I can't take much more of this, I can't live this way. I can't put into words how my heart is broken and how painful this is. It's classic... .she is young, beautiful... .made me feel like king of the world and nothing could stop us... .as equal to that... .is the heartbreak I feel now. As I watch hopes and dreams and ten years of hard work... .just die... .seemingly tossed away as if it were nothing.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thefixermom]

Hi Eymbrokn,

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are living with.  I hope you can reach a place of not judging yourself so harshly.  I am proud of the learning and self-examination you are doing.  I can tell you that in my case, it always took pain to bring me to the point of honesty with myself. It's very humbling and I've grown to appreciate being humble vs. my pride that ruled a lot of my decisions of the past.  With the big age difference I wonder if your wife was looking for a father figure while you were looking for a return to your youth?  It's not a gigantic age difference but it could be significant enough. You talk about how it made you feel like a king to be married to a young and beautiful wife.  That is a clue to me that makes me think perhaps you were not fully emotionally mature when you married her.  And that makes sense because people tend to attract others who fill their respective needs (i.e. healthy people do not marry unhealthy people) and if two needy people come together (one who wants a father figure and one who wants to feel young and powerful) it can start out with a huge emotional high but eventually one of the two people either starts growing up or starts acting out in immature ways to meet their needs. For instance someone who seeks a father figure for a husband may still feel a need for a same-as-her-age or younger man to make her feel young still.  The woman friends I have who have married older men have eventually come to regret it and say they feel stuck when they look around them and see attractive men their own age or they have outgrown the father-fantasy.   It's a painful price to pay.  Some DO work out, I'm sure.  I think that you are putting up with a lot to stay together while she is blatantly having an affair.  That's a lot of power to give away and it strikes me as a form of self-destruction because you are allowing yourself to endure one of the most painful things I can think of in order to hang on to this woman. It could be that it will work out... .she will see the error of her ways and return to you humbly and apologetically and want to repair the relationship.  Can you see that happening?  Or she will continue to take advantage of you because she knows she can.  Tell me this... .what is keeping her with you?  Is it financial security?  Are you continuing to pay the bills and provide other needs in hopes of keeping her dependent on you?   I want to share with you that I was once very dependent on a younger (only 4 years) than me man and I was as hooked on him as you seem to be on this woman.  He cheated on me, was very materialistic and quite untrustworthy.  I knew I was addicted to the relationship and not strong enough to break it off because I was afraid of facing myself alone.  So I moved out of state.  I made myself get as much distance as I could from this man so that I wouldn't get weak and go back to him like I always did when he turned on the charms and reassurances.  I faced myself and got through some pretty bad times BUT came out on the other end so very happy and now when I look back at this person I think, "Wow, I find him so unattractive now!"   I married someone else who was my age but more importantly who loved me for all the right reasons... .as a true partner. I feel so loved and in love and respected now.  I could never say that before. And, he's even cuter than the young flashy guy I thought I could never leave.    Sometimes it's best to give up the 5 or 10 or 15 years we have invested in someone so that we don't have another 5 or 10 or 15 years of unhappiness.   You WILL get through this and it will change you.  You will look at young beautiful women with father-complexes much differently than you did before this point and you will appreciate and enjoy the beauty and maturity of a woman closer to your age who has healthy priorities and would never cheat on you. The thing is that amazing woman of your future would not want you now.  She first wants to see you grow up and become comfortable in your own skin and be the king you deserve to be without having to use arm candy to create an illusion.   The death of your relationship will not be "tossed away as if it were nothing," rather it will be a most valuable lesson and opportunity to change your life in ways you cannot yet imagine.  Please find comfort from my words. I know some of them are frank but I do truly care and want you to know this grievous intolerable pain is part of the process and something you have to walk through in order to have true peace, true love, lasting respect and be free from doubt and mistrust.  I am rooting for you! I  hope you can break open and be all that.   Be aware, too, that once you start getting healthy and self-assured, your woman WILL get shaken up a bit and try to woo you back.  I fell for this routine several times before I realized it was all smoke and mirrors and that my ex just didn't want to lose control of me.  Your future is more precious than the last 10 years of being with this woman.  Wishing you strength and clarity.   

[waverider]

You are in a tough pickle and no one can say where this will end up.

The only thing you can do is make sure you head down the path that is right for you. It is too easy to loose yourself trying to appease her and win her back.

BPD affairs are often just passing flings out of a desire for something new(though not always). Keep in mind the other person is being exposed to the idealization phase and could well evaporate onc ethis wears thinb

The first question you need to be sure of is if this does end and she does turn back to you can you let it be water under the bridge. If you can't do that then the rest is not with bothering with.

You can't control her or make her do anything. Attempting to do so will push her even further away.  You can control you, and start acting like the person you know you can be with the knowledge you do have.

Waverider