New take on boundaries

[Finding Courage]

So, I recently had to set a boundary with my uBPD mom.  She wants to have our usual enmeshed relationship where she is the focus.  I just can't do it anymore.  So, when she asked for more contact, i had to more directly tell her no because I felt like our relationship dynamic wasn't healthy.  At the time of setting this boundary, I felt guilty and upset that I would hurt her feelings.  It was very hard.

But then I realized something:

-Deliberate boundary setting isn't something that is necessary when both parties in a relationship behave in healthy, normal ways.  Healthy:  Not enmeshed, not selfish, not too dependent, not manipulative, not abusive. 

-When one party isn't behaving appropriately and the other person has to set a boundary, this is really a corrective action.  Instead of feeling guilty, I am trying to make things healthier, bringing the relationship closer to healthy.  And I can only do my part, being healthy and having appropriate boundaries.  Her behavior is on her.

-And it is her fault that the boundary must be set, not mine for setting it.  Again, healthy relationships don't require one person to have to deliberately set boundaries for protection. 

And as my therapist said, "Setting this boundary, with a clear but kind explanation was an opportunity to improve the relationship.  A gift to her really.  It is on her that she didn't take the opportunity."   

[bethanny]

Finding Courage,

A good way to look at boundary setting for sure.  I relate to the guilt and pity for a uBPD mother.  But we have to have empathy for ourselves and the damage and pain their disorder is causing us, not only them. You clearly are appreciating that.

When I detached from my mother I did not know about BPD and I thought I was using tough love that would induce her not to lose our relationship and put it on a more adult to adult plane. That was the plan.  My mother was unwilling or incapable of coming to terms with that.  I was also incapable of working out even a LC relationship for a long time. I couldn't trust her and was so fearful of her witch or hysterical modes.

I look back at our "estrangement" and though my mother presented it to others as a "she must have gone crazy" daughter turning on her, it was really she who had rejected me, she as a disordered mother who refused to allow her daughter to own her own life and recognize her adult daughter's right to choose to put her own vital needs above her mother's.

My mother refused to accept what she couldn't understand or didn't like. Often she protested she did not understand a choice I wanted to make -- often it seemed she pretended not to understand what she didn't like and pressed me to make her understand which was hypocritical and manipulative.  So, she wet-blanketed so much without cleanly saying "no", just "I don't understand."  She wanted to play judge who brought down the gavel on the verdict, unsurprisingly on the side of her needs against mine.

When i separated from my mother I had no idea it would go on so long or no idea how deeply psychologically disturbed I had become because of the long term erosion of my self esteem or how I lost so many opportunities for intimacy with others in the family matrix due to my profound fear and distrust and/or their enthrallment to my mother.

As Scott Peck has written, it is evil to "tit suck from and control at the same time one person".

best, bethanny

[deux soeurs]

FindingCourage, reading your post was very thought provoking to me.  You are right, you had to set the boundary to make things right with your mom.  You were not trying to be cruel, just setting things to level the relationship.  I am reading your post and thinking about my relationship with my dBPD sister .  I am currently NC with her after many attempts to have a normal relationship with her.  Every time I set a boundary with her, she got very angry, or agreed, but ending up breaking the boundary.  I m also coming to terms with the fact that my sister abused me horribly, emotionally, my entire childhood.  It seems that people with BPD are only "me" centered.  They expect their FOO to be there for them just because we are related.  I will not, like you, feel guilty again for setting a boundary and even for being NC with my abusive sister.  I hope your mom respects your boundaries.  It is okay for us to have total care of ourselves!

[Panda39]

Thanks for this post deux soeurs.  I am going to share this with my SO he has a D18 that is N/C and D14 who is L/C with their uBPDmom.  I think your take on this is healthy and you've articulated it very well.

Thanks for sharing.