trouble coping with having my name tarnished

[married21years]

hi guys, i am having trouble dealing with losing friends and having my name tarnished by my BPDw.

it just destroys me to think these people hate me for no reason, and wont tell me what i am accused of

please help :'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

One thing ive found with smear campaigns is they never hold up. Actions speak louder than words. My ex wife smear campaign crumbled and her actions sped up the process. The inconsistency in her behaviour sped the process up. In the mean time I didnt retaliate and was just me.

If they are real friends then they will come back to you. If they are but aquaintances then why worry. If its something that effects work or has legal implications then it has to be dealt with.

Beware of answering their behaviour as it can make you look desperate and crazy.

I find that a simple "believe what you want but take a look at the actions and not what people tell you". Gets people thinking more deeply.

[Notwendy]

I don't know how to deal with this, other than to not play the game at all. Are you familiar with the "drama triangle". When telling lies about you, the pwBPD plays "victim" and enlists friends and family as "rescuers" against you, the bad guy.

My mother with severe BPD has been doing this for as long as I have known her. She tends to place people on sides. You are on "her" side or the other side. She has been painting me black to her side of the family for years. Occasionally, I will hear about what she has said about me from people who are not particularly loyal to her. However, her core group who are loyal to her, are sworn to secrecy to not tell me. She will pull people to her side and say "I have something to tell you- don't tell NotWendy".

I know how much this hurts. I have cried a lot over losing relationships with family members, and lifelong friends of hers who have known me since I was a baby. Some of them have been particularly cold hearted to me. My decision though was to not get into this at all. I can't defend a lie- and what she says to them isn't true. However, if I were to speak to them, they would hear two different stories. They would have to decide which one of us was telling the truth. So I decided to live my life with integrity, not talk about her- and those who decided to notice would realize the truth regardless. Those who did not were not worth being in a relationship with.

I have noticed that the people who stick with this game long term have some need to play it with her. I don't want to be part of that. Now, if she had made comments that interfered with my livelihood, I would have to take some legal action. The people I was most concerned about are my kids, but they thankfully realize that she isn't mentally healthy and don't play into that.

[waverider]

Stay out of it and be consistent. People close to you know you and see through this even if they dont openly contradict the accuser.

It is hard to do I know, but trying to contest the truth only causes the pwBPD to up the anti. For those caught in the middle its all to uncomfortable, they leave, resulting in isolation.

Most people worth keeping as friends are those who dont get dragged into drama, those that get dragged in are often those you wont wish to keep.

You don't have to convince close friends to stay friends they already know you

[married21years]

thx everyone that is what i needed

i need to cut contact for a while

[married21years]

so i sent two people nice messages and they went whinning to the BPDw

that backfired on them haha

lesson learnt

[waverider]

so i sent two people nice messages and they went whinning to the BPDw

that backfired on them haha

lesson learnt

Just be careful you don't get drawn into passive aggressive retaliation either. Just be "normal" and unaffected

[Notwendy]

One of my mother's family members ran into an acquaintance of mine. Immediately afterwards, this person called my mother to report the meeting and tell her everything that was discussed. However, this relative did not contact me to tell me she ran into my friend.

So shortly afterwards, mother calls me to report that the relative has told her all about meeting my friend and all the details, like she has something on me. But I have a pretty ordinary life. There really was not much to "tell".

It truly astounds me the loyalty these people have to her. Had I run into my relative's friend, I would have called and said " hey I ran into your friend" not gone to report the info to a third party.

I think Waverider has a point. Don't play any games. You are your own best friend. Be true to yourself.

[married21years]

the pain i have is i have lost so many friends and dont know who to trust

i love her with all my heart but losing friends to me is so painful

if i had done something i wouldn't have an issue

[waverider]

The resultant isolation caused by these relationships causes a bitter resentment. As you look back at the last years you feel like you have been subtly convinced to deconstruct your life. It does take a while to build it back again, and even then there will be threads that are never reconnected,

We can even become angry with ourselves for allowing this to happen

[married21years]

The resultant isolation caused by these relationships causes a bitter resentment. As you look back at the last years you feel like you have been subtly convinced to deconstruct your life. It does take a while to build it back again, and even then there will be threads that are never reconnected,

We can even become angry with ourselves for allowing this to happen

thx you are a star