Worried... Sick

[Brushback]

Son met a woman that was just diagnosed with BPD (though 4 months ago she was supposedly bi-polar for the last 10+ years)... .and after reading until i am blind on BPD this weekend, based on all the hell that we have witnessed and experienced, the BPD appears to be correct. She already has a young child 5 that is exhibiting similar behavioral instability traits and below average comprehension/function for his age... .and she is due any day with our sons child (though she is still married).  The last 6 months have been a living hell with the her escalating BPD behavior that appears to manifest when she doesn't get her way, threats, 6 self-admitted 5150's (so she can self release), suicidal threats, cutting, you name it.  very hard for us to understand and our son it struggling to make sense of it all.  This illness runs in their family (stated and obvious) as they demanded that our son must move into their house to raise this child... .which isn't going to happen... .but the reason i am on here is because I(we) (grandfather and grandmother) are worried sick that this child will be raised in an unhealthy environment.  It saddens our heart to even consider fighting for custody as we would never want to worsen her condition, but the reality is, we cant in a clear conscious let a child be subjected to the probable psychological harm that is headed his way, based on everything i have read. having been raised by a mother with mental health issues and dealing with diagnosed PTSD myself - completely from the things she did to me as a child, i understand i many be ultra sensitive to the issues of psychological abuse... .but it is far more damaging than physical abuse (my personal experience)

i am looking for options, experiences, knowledge, ideas... .anything that can shed a light on the right thing(s) to do.  This is our 4th grandchild (range from ages 6 -17) and we only want the best opportunity at a happy, stable life for everyone... .but the child is helpless and is my top priority... .as i cant sit back and watch a train wreck when if i could pull a switch to prevent it.

thanks

[Leaving]

I wish that I had a wise and comforting thought to share.  I do understand your predicament and your concerns as my mother is NPD/BPD and my brother married a woman with same personality disorder and they had two daughters that I'm always concerned about.  I feel like they are immersed in horrible dysfunction and I am helpless to help them.

I'm estranged from both my mother and brother which makes it worse for the girls as well as me.  I hate being in this situation! 

I asked my very wise stepsister for advice on how to 'help' the girls... .very similar to what you are asking, and she told me that I should continue to write them, email, send cards and basically, just let them know that I'm here and thinking of them. Being there as a healthy role model is all you can do.  I know that doesn't sound like much but frankly, it's all I can do. If you witness abuse or neglect, you can always call social services or the police and you can pursue legal action but you must have proof of very concrete abuse.  From what I have observed, the authorities don't care if a child is being raised by a mentally ill parent unless a crime is being committed and unfortunately, they don't investigate unless there is concrete proof.  It's very frustrating.

The only other thing that I might suggest is that you call social services and explain your situation.  It might also be a good idea for you to meet with a therapist a few times who can help you help your grandkids in the best way in their best interest without rocking boat so much that it harms them in any way. 

Wish I could be more help.  I hope others respond who may have more wisdom to share. 

All the best to you 

[swampped]

Dear Brushback:  I am sorry you are having to deal with this terrible BPD, but glad you have found us.  We get it!  I could almost have written your story---will not go into detail here, but five years ago my husband and I were in the exact same situation.  Our son had a baby with a woman whom we now are sure is uBPD, and they married, moved out of state, and the drama was terrible.  We looked into our options, and seriously considered trying to get custody of the baby, but for all the reasons "Leaving"  mentioned, we found there was no way we could take the baby from her mother.  And certainly that was the right answer, as I have subsequently developed Parkinson's disease, and what a mess the poor little one would be in if she were ours to raise now!  In the meantime, they have divorced, our son sees his daughter weekly(she is now six), and so far she seems to be bright and happy.  I worry about her future, as I am sure she is at risk both genetically and environmentally for lots of difficulties.  But she is far better off now than she would have been with us.  We support her financially, and our son, who is mildly developmentally delayed, and stay in contact by mail, phone, Skype and email.  As "Leaving" pointed out, and as I have to believe,  the most important way we can help this little girl is by letting her know we love her, and by trying to be a voice of calm and reason in her life.  Not ideal, for sure, but in this imperfect world, it seems to be the best we can do right now.   You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through these difficult times.  Keep reading, and posting.  We are here for you.    Swampped