How did this happen?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been separated from my dBPDh for over 2.5 years.  He was the one that left me/ran away (twice while we were married and 3 or 4 times while we were dating).  I married him despite knowing about his illness because he committed to getting DBT therapy for his disorder.  I've been with him a total of 28years/married 13years.   Things were going well within the first few years of our marriage until he decided to bail.  I was devastated.  Couldnt get myself off the couch for weeks.  I wondered "how could this happen, again, hes been in DBT therapy for a few years now?"   Then we recycled and things were moving along until 2.5 years ago when he announced he wanted to separate.  There has been limited contact between us since our separation and the last time we met he was sad, cried and said that he was messed up, didnt know what he was doing, realized hes an unhappy person and thought he was cured.  Also said that the mere thought of divorce made his stomach turn, yet he didnt do anything to work on himself except getting a new replacement.  He doesnt know that I know about her.

I was supposed to meet him this evening to tie up some loose ends related to our finances. and discuss the re-drafting our separation agreement as some things have changed.  Of course he bailed (again) and instead of meeting me face to face, wanted to talk on the phone.  After discussing the finances, he said he would go ahead and file the separation agreement.  This was the first I had heard of him moving forward towards divorce.  So I asked him, are you asking me for a divorce and he said yes.  So I asked, what changed in 6months from the last time you told me that the thought of divorce made your stomach turn?  He was dead silent.  He said he hoped we would still be friends and that there was a lot of blame to go around and that its best for us to move on and make the best of things from here on out. 

How did it happen that he couldn't even face me to ask for a divorce?  I was the one that had to ask, ":)oes this mean you're asking me for a divorce?" Unreal!  I was the one that helped him out of homelessness, got him diagnosed, and into the correct therapy, the one that stuck by him despite knowing the good, the bad and the ugly, the one he blamed for cheating him out of a life, ,yes when he walked out on me this time he stated that I cheated him out of a life.  He has come a long way since I met him.  Got his undergraduate degree, his masters, has a good job, which hes able to sustain thanks to therapy, and my support, but I cheated him out of a life.  And hes the one that want a divorce?  How did I get here?  No kids, no house; nothing but heartache on my part to show for all the years that we were together. He was my best friend and never though we'd ever be apart.  Sometimes I think its all a bad dream.  But maybe the bad dream was my time with him and I am now just waking up?  Please tell me there's hope for me and what I am in store for with him asking and moving forward with divorce?

[heartbroken25]

I've been separated from my dBPDh for over 2.5 years.  He was the one that left me/ran away (twice while we were married and 3 or 4 times while we were dating).  I married him despite knowing about his illness because he committed to getting DBT therapy for his disorder.  I've been with him a total of 28years/married 13years.   Things were going well within the first few years of our marriage until he decided to bail.  I was devastated.  Couldnt get myself off the couch for weeks.  I wondered "how could this happen, again, hes been in DBT therapy for a few years now?"   Then we recycled and things were moving along until 2.5 years ago when he announced he wanted to separate.  There has been limited contact between us since our separation and the last time we met he was sad, cried and said that he was messed up, didnt know what he was doing, realized hes an unhappy person and thought he was cured.  Also said that the mere thought of divorce made his stomach turn, yet he didnt do anything to work on himself except getting a new replacement.  He doesnt know that I know about her.

I was supposed to meet him this evening to tie up some loose ends related to our finances. and discuss the re-drafting our separation agreement as some things have changed.  Of course he bailed (again) and instead of meeting me face to face, wanted to talk on the phone.  After discussing the finances, he said he would go ahead and file the separation agreement.  This was the first I had heard of him moving forward towards divorce.  So I asked him, are you asking me for a divorce and he said yes.  So I asked, what changed in 6months from the last time you told me that the thought of divorce made your stomach turn?  He was dead silent.  He said he hoped we would still be friends and that there was a lot of blame to go around and that its best for us to move on and make the best of things from here on out. 

How did it happen that he couldn't even face me to ask for a divorce?  I was the one that had to ask, ":)oes this mean you're asking me for a divorce?" Unreal!  I was the one that helped him out of homelessness, got him diagnosed, and into the correct therapy, the one that stuck by him despite knowing the good, the bad and the ugly, the one he blamed for cheating him out of a life, ,yes when he walked out on me this time he stated that I cheated him out of a life.  He has come a long way since I met him.  Got his undergraduate degree, his masters, has a good job, which hes able to sustain thanks to therapy, and my support, but I cheated him out of a life.  And hes the one that want a divorce?  How did I get here?  No kids, no house; nothing but heartache on my part to show for all the years that we were together. He was my best friend and never though we'd ever be apart.  Sometimes I think its all a bad dream.  But maybe the bad dream was my time with him and I am now just waking up?  Please tell me there's hope for me and what I am in store for with him asking and moving forward with divorce?

[livednlearned]

But maybe the bad dream was my time with him and I am now just waking up?  Please tell me there's hope for me and what I am in store for with him asking and moving forward with divorce?

Hi heartbroken25,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, the grief and despair of the betrayal is a lot to experience, much less holding things together for him (like you say, pulling him out of homelessness, the dx, therapy and sticking by him). The grief can be overwhelming. There are psychological and emotional reactions to divorce that hit everyone in different ways. When it's your partner who leaves, the emotions are different than when it's you who leaves. There's a pretty good article here on the site that might shed some light: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271676.msg12577883#msg12577883

This is something that really struck me when I was going through the heat of the divorce:

The emotional breaking up process typically extends over several years and is confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process while in the same stage of the physical (or legal) process.

It felt to me like a secondary wound for two people to be experiencing the divorce in terms of different stages. This was the person you went through everything with, and now that person is seeking comfort and resolution elsewhere, and the only time you really have access anymore is through the legal process as the divorce becomes finalized. It can be very traumatizing.

It was extremely important to me that I had a good T during the process. I was at risk of seeking therapy from friends (they tire of this, and don't have the skills), my lawyer (too expensive, and not skilled). I wasn't at risk of seeking too much from my ex because I left him, and was much further along in the detachment stage.

If your ex is the one seeking divorce, it's possible that yours will not be as high-conflict as many of divorces here. It will still be painful, because divorce is painful, but hopefully you will avoid the additional injustices that go with high-conflict divorces. You may have to pay careful attention to what he is asking for, and not let down your guard. It sounds like he has no problem withholding information, and that is not fair play when it comes to divorce.

You ask: "Please tell me there's hope for me"

Do you mean in terms of recovery? Or in terms of repairing the marriage?

[heartbroken25]

Thank you livednlearned.  I have been seeing a therapist for the past two years.  She is actually a DBT therapist who also counseled me and my husband.  So she know the disorder, him, his issues and our relationship.  But she is there to help me, and seeing her has helped me tremendously and I have been doing and taking all the necessary steps to forge ahead.  I have a good circle of friends, am close with my family, I have a good job, and have been taking very good care of myself.  Go out and meet with friends regularly, see my family often, take my dog for walks in the park, work out when I can and feel grateful that I have these things in my life.   Its just that he was really my best friend and really miss him. I'm also so hurt at the awful thing he said to me about cheating him out of a life.   I was doing pretty well until he said he was going to file.  I guess I never thought he'd really proceed with this.  I guess its easy for him to do this since hes got someone else now?  Often find myself wondering how much does she knows.  Through her FB posts she states that she feels so lucky to have him, and all of her posts are always about doing things with him and photos of them together, and her friends making comments about how good they look together.  Not only makes me sick to my stomach when just 6 months ago he was a mess and said he was sorry for hurting me and that he didnt want a divorce.  Makes me wonder how secure she is.  Im trying not to ruminate but this is excruciatingly painful.  I met my husband 28 years ago at the young age of 19 and have been with no one else since.

Im not worried about the finances since weve already resolved that in a signed separation agreement.  He doesnt want to be the bad guy and I dont want anything from him since what was in our agreement was more than fair.  He probably feels guilty and doesnt want to endure the pain and just sliver away.

Is there hope that I'll find the right kind of romantic love again?  Even though hes had years of DBT, I dont hold out any hope that hell be different or get any better.  Its obvious that he used the therapy for some good but didnt fullly embrace it to help him heal his pain.   I feel hopeful that I'll be OK and then I fall back into this horrible doubtful place.  :'(

[livednlearned]

Is there hope that I'll find the right kind of romantic love again? 

For me, "never" and "always" are trap words   although I understand how low, deep feelings can feel like an eternity, and sometimes drag on uncomfortably long. And to be honest, a lot depends on what you want. And when you're ready to make it happen. Plus some luck. For me, it happened. I met my current SO while we were out walking our dogs, and it is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. If you asked me 5 years (shortly after separation) if this was possible, I would've say no way.

Things change. People change.

It's a big transition that you're going through, divorce is among the most stressful events we can experience in life. I have gone through break ups before, but there is something about the divorce process with lawyers and just the whole contract of it all that kicks things up to a whole other level of stress and strain. We get married to our loved ones who bear witness to the vows, and many of us take those vows seriously, maybe far beyond what many people would endure.

I'm so sorry for the hurt and the feelings of loss, and also glad to hear that you have a lot of support in place to keep you going. I don't want to say platitudes, so will just say that when you scaffold yourself with genuine support, sometimes the grief process can take you to places that are truly profound. I barely recognize myself from 5 years ago. I would not change it for the world, even though it shook everything in my life to the core. But wow, was it ever painful to go through.  :'(

Give yourself time. 

[heartbroken25]

Myself is all I really have and time, well that's not up to me, but trying to use it in the best way I can.  Just have good days and some really bad ones, but I guess that's what life is sometimes.

Thank you for your kind words and support!

[ForeverDad]

When my marriage failed, well, better to say it imploded, my ex actively obstructed me amd my parenting.  I believe that active obstruction is called "acting out".  If it's passive and mostly impacts the person doing it, then I believe it is called "acting in".

So perhaps it might help your objective overview of your relationship by pondering what is "acting out" or aggressively obstructing, sabotaging or attacking versus what is "acting in" or passively obstructing, sabotaging or self-harming.  It's not that simple to differentiate though because our "acting out" ex-relationships can also use non-response as a tactic against us.

[maxen]

hi heartbroken25. i also am sorry for your experience. i'm happy that you've had support from T and family and friends, that's fundamentally important. as l'n'l said, give yourself time.

He said he hoped we would still be friends and that there was a lot of blame to go around and that its best for us to move on

i heard every, single, one of those phrases. taking a full measure of responsibility is not easy for anybody and is hard to the point of pain for a pwBPD; it'll have been easier for him to talk to you over the phone than in person (my exw communicated by email, even about the most important, intimate issues we had). how did this happen? well, there is the disorder. we who don't have it look for some kind of rationality in the actions of others, but in these cases we don't find it. it's two years almost since my marriage exploded and i know what happened, and i even know why it happened, bit i haven't really absorbed how it could happen the way it did. you will be having more good days. they may be good in a different way from the good days you've known, but they will come.