She left,tried to make suicide,can BPD love?

[SpringHopes]

So my wife left a week ago. Today would be our anniversary.

I wrote her a letter, I know we need to give them space, I gave already and after this letter I will not contact till she will search for me. I thought that was the best I wrote in a long time if not in my whole life, send to her e-mail and I got a message back from her that she is having bad internet because she is in ER because she tried to drink a lot of pills to make suicide. Was it because of our separation or other reasons? She said she will be so happy to go away from me, this city, her terrible, stressful job and having a small space where we used to live. She said she will not work in her country for a while, enjoying the time in her huge house without stress etc. But then I got this message and nothing more, only that she tried to make suicide.

I done something bad, I copied her hard disk before she left to analyze something more about her. I never done such a shameful act, I always thought it is not the men should ever do, but I wanted any answers like drugs, I needed to understand her more. I got her letters to her ex, which she wrote long before we met, she was saying to me that I was the first one she loved, that her ex is her best friend, but it was mistake to have relationship with him, and that she never loved him, he only sparkled an interest for 3 months (she was with him for 12 months). But I saw the letter when she wrote to him 2 years before us that this kind of love is being given only one in the life and this is what she waited all her life. The same things I heard from her. When I was speaking about our exes in the past she told that - yes, she said "I love you" to her ex, but because she was forced to do that. That's why I was waiting for I love you from her before I would tell that. And she was first who told these words, I told them later. So does it mean that borderlines actually never get big love? They always have huge love in the first and then everything disappears as usual? And all guys just go like to the folder on computer number 1,2,3,4... . When I was asking about love to me and how it is different or not how she felt to others she was telling me that she would never marry anyone of them and even though she got better life financially with her ex, she still was saying this life is better because of me. She also said that she would never go with the guy to other side of the planet to have this kind of adventure to live abroad where you don't know anything. From other side she was not the first in my life I said I love you to, but I know that she was the first I love so much. So can BPD girls love someone truly and sincerely or we are just a tool how they can get their goals?

I am also thinking - should I contact her mother or her ex who is her best friend to try to know something more?

I know here are some guys who are just copy-paste saying - forget her, move on, be a man etc. If it would be so simple we would not have this forum board.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, if it was so simple we would not have this discussion forum - you are right. But what is also simple is that everybody needs to be responsible for themselves and unfortunately people with BPD are not, and that's where we come in. Now, you need to be responsible for yourself.

I understand why you copied her hard drive but I would suggest that you will not learn anything about her that is going to help you. And anything you do learn about her past relationships is not really important. What is important is what you can learn about yourself now. In saying that I mean that you have a lost relationship that can not be fixed so you might think about looking at yourself and understanding why you love her and how you got into this mess. If you can afford therapy then you might  think about doing it - a good therapist can help immensely.

I checked my exBPDw's hard drive too and I didn't like what I saw. It had nothing to do with the past - it had to do with the present and so I left her. But because we love what we think they were I went back. I also saw a handwritten letter that she wrote to the guy before me - the guy she left her husband for, the guy she triangulated our relationship with. Everything that she said to me she was saying to him in this letter. "Our" song is the song she dedicated to "them". Our whole relationship was based on me filling in for him. I was just keeping his side of the bed warm and being her "supply" until that guy came back. I could have been anybody.

And so, my friend, you too could have been anybody.

Please read the resources here to understand this disorder as it will help you greatly. One thing to think about is that people with BPD "mirror" us and so we fall in love with ourselves. Keep this in mind to remind you that you are a great guy and better things await you.

I feel your pain. Good luck in detaching and healing.

[an0ught]

Hi SpringHopes,

first of all a big  . Dealing with suicide attempts can be scaring - it is a big traumatic event for all around her and there is some risk that you blame yourself. Don't!

She said she will be so happy to go away from me, this city, her terrible, stressful job and having a small space where we used to live. She said she will not work in her country for a while, enjoying the time in her huge house without stress etc. But then I got this message and nothing more, only that she tried to make suicide.

It is quite normal for pwBPD to cause or seek distressing situations as those validate their inner pain. Here cause and effect are reversed. External pressure is not cause but a reflection of the inner distress. Take the distraction (and in some sense validation) on the outside away and the inner pain becomes overwhelming.

How you should respond? Depends on where you want to go in the relationship with her... .Of course you are right now in quite a lot of pain so it is hard to know what you want. So maybe take a different perspective: What have you got to loose? What are the risks you truly face?

If you truly committed to separate then often NC is the fastest and least painful way to detach. The LESSONS on the Leaving Board outline the process.

If you are not sure then it is less a matter of b&w. Maybe you need some time to think things through and get comfortable with choosing a path. In such a situation you don't want to do irreversible steps. But you also don't want to take on new risks or intensify the attachment. Let's assume for the sake of argument - only you know - that this is the case. What to do and what to watch for:

- Communication: Validation soothes, increases understanding and does not really increase attachment much.

- Boundaries:

 - what you feel responsible for

 - what bigger steps you are willing to entertain at all

 - effort, frequency for communication.

 - minimum turn around time to pace i.e. to slow intense communication.

 - topics that you feel uncomfortable at the moment to engage and will thus not take up even when prodded.

 - change you would need to see before willing to entertain a different course than detaching

 - what level of drama you are willing to tolerate (intensity and fear increase attachment).

... .

If you want to communicate it is quite simple. Boundaries protect you. Validation connects in a healthy manner. What you communicate is often less important than careful active listening.

For a specific communication questions often the Staying board provides better targeted support as it is more support/how-to oriented.

[SpringHopes]

So that means that no matter what there is only one way - out? I think this forum then needs to delete the directory of staying and directory of undecided. Also are they all the same? I know, some part of me is saying that I need to move on because it will be struggle in my life even if we go again back together. But some things are not giving me the peace - why she attempted suicide? I know, probably to get attention of me or her family, friends and other people. But then why she even wrote this to me, what was her reason to inform me about that? She run away from me and after a few days tried to end the life?

To be honest we were singing "special songs" to most of our exes, at least it was my case always. I am extremes person with bipolar traits, I have moods from feeling I can rule the world and I am connected to Universe to the mood when I feel I am dirty, messy, ugly person. I have also past history of being abused as a kid. Somewhere I read that if we grow up with the person who seeks for attention and always speaking about suicide etc that makes us to take care of them and then later we grow up and get the girls like that. Most of my ex girlfriends were having disorders. Last two were trying to end their lives and they were in clinic. And when I meet them they don't show any traits of disorders. Sometimes I am thinking I am manipulative or playful person and maybe I push them to the edge where they get crazy? I don't do dramas, usually I am calm and when I get drama towards me I just smile and act silly with the smile. I realized a lot of girls get angry about that.

In my case there was no triangle. I was even pushing her to speak more with friends, go out, meet new friends etc. But she usually wanted to stay at home. If I would not made mistakes and now being rejected I would not come here to speak, but I done a lot of things I am very ashamed, that makes me feel she suffered because of me. For example, I am ambitious guy, but I was stuck in my job for a while and not searching for better options and she was seeing I don't care about our future and future kids. I was also learning her language, but after for a lot of times I was tired and I was lazy. She said to me, wrote me messages saying she wants kids with me and future, but she wants to see me working for that the same as she is working. But I was always saying - yes, yes, I am doing and then after a while lost the grip. That is bipolar trait. We can put ourselves to the limit and work for 40 hours, but we can't work systematically for a while, working moderately. I am struggling with that and I am trying to improve myself. The girl before her which I dated for a month only she said - she is not seeing any future with me because I am messy, I am chaotic and she is not seeing me in the future. But well I was not sad, only for maybe 4 days? Then I told myself - Ok, no one will tolerate me if I will not change, next girl must see the best of me! And now the next girl experienced the same, but was longer with me. Maybe I would not be so sad if I would be good guy, but I see the problem is in myself and I hate myself.

In my life I was several times near death. Once I was in hospital with serious problem and doctors told me they don't know my chances. I was walking without knowledge what is happening for 4 years in which I didn't date girls as I thought I don't want to put the pain on any person, I detached myself from a lot of friends as I didn't want them to suffer if something happens with me. That was one turning point which made my personality I think. I think that and other things about my life attracted my BPD girl, she liked my dangerous life in the past.

I think time will put all things in their place. Who knows what will happen. That's the interesting thing about the life.

[SpringHopes]

How you should respond? Depends on where you want to go in the relationship with her... .

First of all, thanks for the answer, I really appreciate the help I get in this forum, without you all I would be in much more worse condition, I am seeing people who are having the same problems and I can learn from them so much in every aspect. I am thankful I got here! Speaking about what I want - If I want to stay? After she wrote me that is in the hospital I wrote to her that she needs to stay strong, everything will be better. Then she wrote me the next day short message again saying she is in long term clinic and she doesn't know when she will be out. But for me it doesn't matter as I am thousands of miles away from her. After that I wrote her a message again in the style like "stay strong and take that time in the clinic to rest and that she will never walk alone" something like that. After that she didn't replied to me. it is 2 days since that. I don't want to write anything more, because I think that will scare her off and she will feel cornered or under pressure.

She got an ex, who she was dating about 4 years ago, she left him and never wanted to see him, he was harrassing her on facebook and everywhere he could. She always kept blocking him, she was saying he has some mental issues. To be honest I must agree - I would never stalk anyone after several years of splitting. He was writing that he loves her and he can't live without her - after several years. I saw what she was thinking about him, that he is pathetic. So I thought if I will also write to her a lot I will have the same attitude from her. So I better choose to stay calmer. No one likes people without self respect. By the way, she always told me that she got 3 boyfriends before me. She counts that only one of them was serious relationship, but she said that was mistake as they are sharing a lot of interests but they needed to be friends from beginning. She said I am the second serious, real relationship in her life. She married me, she was engaged with her ex, but she said that only with me she understood she can finally tolerate the other person. She was honest about her past, not making fairy tales how everything was nice etc, she told me also some very personal stuff about her life, so that makes me feel she trusted me.

[an0ught]

Hi SpringHopes,

After she wrote me that is in the hospital I wrote to her that she needs to stay strong, everything will be better. Then she wrote me the next day short message again saying she is in long term clinic and she doesn't know when she will be out. But for me it doesn't matter as I am thousands of miles away from her. After that I wrote her a message again in the style like "stay strong and take that time in the clinic to rest and that she will never walk alone" something like that. After that she didn't replied to me. it is 2 days since that. I don't want to write anything more, because I think that will scare her off and she will feel cornered or under pressure.

you are a positive hopeful person  

However you are thus prone to shine your light where darkness reigns. And darkness feels invalidated  

Please, please read up on validation and put some effort in understanding how to validate negative emotions and communicate about negative situations. After the initial relationship phase every relationship faces challenges. Relationships with pwBPD even more so as their inner turmoil affects their environment. There is a lot of pain to be validated.