Difficulty feeling happy except through others

[nullset]

Wondering if anyone can relate to this. I'm about a year out of a relationship with someone who had some BPD and NPD traits. One of the things I've been trying to figure out is whether I'm somehow seeking out people with BPD, and I realized something. I have depression, and sometimes nothing brings me joy or happiness. When I'm in that state, I can feel happiness, but only through another person. For instance, any type of physical affection, from massages to sex, or eye contact with someone I'm attracted to and seeing them smile.

I think I may gravitate towards people with BPD or NPD because if someone has weak emotional boundaries, it's easy to focus exclusively on their happiness.

Does anyone have similar experience? Any suggestions? When my depression is managed well, it's not so much of a problem, so that's obviously a part of it.

[Tay25]

Interesting thoughts, I do know that we tend to look for people who have what we don't, because that is what we are attracted to. Do you have trouble expressing all emotions or just happiness? It may be that you are attracted to people who can express emotions easily, and a variety of them (pwBPD).

Also it is good to look back at your family of origin. Were either of your parents like your ex? The relationship dynamic you had with your ex may be similar to what you had with one of your parents because that is what's familiar.

[nullset]

Tay25: Yes, similar to my family of origin. My mother had narcissistic traits and punished me arbitrarily when she was unhappy, especially if I wasn't unhappy myself. So I got used to only being able to relax when she was in a good mood.

The real question is, how can I get past this? How can I have an easier time experiencing emotions myself, without needing to see them reflected off another person?

[Sunfl0wer]

Interesting.

I think that I do this too... .to an extent.

I feel most happy when my happiness is being shared.  The happiness feels even stronger that way to me.  I imagine tho, that this is not "disordered" and typical in healthy situations.

Then there is when I try to be happy, but am depressed.  It is hard to do solo.  It is easier to enjoy myself in the company of others.  This kinda makes sense to me tho because when I am depressed, I am not content with myself, therefore, being alone with myself... .can't really feel happy.  Hence, when depressed, it kinda makes sense that to feel happy, I'd need a shared experience.

So maybe the thing to do is to find inner contentment?  Find a way to enjoy your own company?  (Stated so simply, however, I know is way way more complicated!)

In the meantime... .

Enjoy being happy in the company of others... .to help you for now?

While you also seek more awareness and understanding of what it will take to be happy alone?