False allegation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Sunday was a night in the Police cells after being arrested from my home.  uBPDw came into my bedroom and took my tv whilst I was watching lying in bed.  I stood in her way to try to stop her, but she took it anyway... .then she called Police to day I had assaulted her.  I was arrested.  They took photos of scratches on her arms.  I was interviewed the following morning, released with no further action... .What was useful was a video of events on my mobile phone... .plus I bite my nails badly... .no nails, wear no jewellery and don't have a watch... .no scratches from me.  Mmmm, I wonder where the scratches came from?  

Anyway... .along with audio recording, I now have a mini video camera that will clip to clothing.  I'll wear it anytime she might be around me.  

She is currently holding up the house.  She hasn't agreed the court order re finances yet.  I think Sunday was her attempt to have a different outcome.

[SES]

Sunday was a night in the Police cells after being arrested from my home.  uBPDw came into my bedroom and took my tv whilst I was watching lying in bed.  I stood in her way to try to stop her, but she took it anyway... .then she called Police to day I had assaulted her.  I was arrested.  They took photos of scratches on her arms.  I was interviewed the following morning, released with no further action... .What was useful was a video of events on my mobile phone... .plus I bite my nails badly... .no nails, wear no jewellery and don't have a watch... .no scratches from me.  Mmmm, I wonder where the scratches came from?  

Anyway... .along with audio recording, I now have a mini video camera that will clip to clothing.  I'll wear it anytime she might be around me.  

She is currently holding up the house.  She hasn't agreed the court order re finances yet.  I think Sunday was her attempt to have a different outcome.

[Panda39]

SES,

Geez she's something  .  Have you talked with your Lawyer about the possibility of having her removed from the house?

The good news is that police seem to get it or are at least logical about what they see. The mini video camera is an excellent tool in your situation.

And she's holding up the sale of the house again too 

How are you holding up?  How are the kids doing?

Panda39

[livednlearned]

She tried to remove the tv while you were watching it in your bedroom? Yeesh. She doesn't have her own tv?

I was wondering about you SES, hoping things were moving along with the house sale and the two of you not living together anymore.

At what point do the false allegations start to add up enough that she is seen as a threat to you?

[drummerboy]

This is why it is so vital to get these people 100% out of your life ASAP and have NOTHING further to do with them. Mine went to court, told a pack of lies and got a restraining order against me. My best advice when dealing with a BPD ex is "have nothing to do with them" Once they paint you black be prepared for ANYTHING!

[Godslove]

That is horrible. so sorry you had to spend a night at a police. You were very smart about the recording.

[ForeverDad]

So sorry to hear that.  Sadly it was almost predictable, the risks to are members are that high.  I bet the angles of the scratches would match angles and patterns from her own fingers.  Will this go to court or could it be used against you in court?  As I often write, our ex-spouses are desperate to find any advantage they can, in addition to the blaming, blame-shifting and trying to make us look worse than them.

Which is why in my final months with my ex I had a voice recorder with me at all times.  I viewed recorders - eventually I had three - as my insurance that I wasn't the one misbehaving.  One recording even got my then-spouse arrested for making death threats.  As a result I had a TPO and temp possession the house.  She still got temp custody and majority time with our preschooler though, apparently my family court saw poor adult behaviors as not impacting parenting behaviors.

[Matt]

SES,

Sorry to hear this.  I've been there and done that - 16 hours of hard time after my wife called 911 and told them I pushed her down the stairs.  The officers said if they believed the accusation they would have had to charge me with attempted murder, but they caught her lying and my kids also said what they saw - it all went in the officers' report a few weeks later, which led to the judge dropping the charges against me.

But that night, the officers were obligated to arrest me because of how the federal Violence Against Women Act is interpreted where I live.  Cuffed on my front lawn, booked and fingerprinted.  My main memory is being yelled at by my fellow inmates:  "Yo white man you snoring!".

Here's what I learned:

* Get a criminal defense lawyer ASAP - a good one who won't try to talk you into taking a plea agreement.

* If you have any bruises, photograph them ASAP - right this minute.

* Write a detailed account of what happened ASAP, and e-mail it to someone like your lawyer, so there will be a record of when you wrote it.  Include every detail you can remember, like the time, and exactly what happened.

* Make it clear to your criminal defense attorney that you will not take any plea agreement - period.  If you take a plea agreement - even if it doesn't include jail - you are admitting guilt, and you can never take that back.  It will prejudice your divorce case badly, and in the future any time your ex wants to punish you she can just drop a dime and she will be believed.

* If your criminal defense attorney still tries to talk you into taking a plea agreement, fire him and find a good one.

* Ask your criminal defense attorney if it's too late to file criminal charges against her - assault and battery maybe.

* Never, ever be alone in a room with her again, without a non-family adult third party present every second.

* Never sleep under the same roof as her - not even once.

* Never trust her in any way - ever.  Once she has showed that she wants to hurt you badly enough to physically attack you and - even worse - to accuse you of a serious crime, you can never assume that she won't do it again.

It worked out OK for me - $5,000 later - and I'm very glad I got a good criminal defense attorney and that I refused to even consider a plea agreement.  I hope it goes OK for you too!

[SES]

Yes, she has her own TV in her room... .so taking mine whilst I was watching it seemed a bit extreme... .

No further action from the Police... .no going to court, no charges, nothing else

Lawyer who came to Police Station didn't feel there was anything in it.  Police took photos of my injuries (worse than hers).

Video was interesting viewing... .her shouting, pushing, and stamping on me... .lawyer pointed out that I remained pretty calm and wasn't the aggressive one. 

Yes, she is capable of anything... .had death threats, violence etc in last few months. 

I'm trying to move house sale forward.  That will be the only ending to this.

[livednlearned]

Yes, she has her own TV in her room... .so taking mine whilst I was watching it seemed a bit extreme... .

No further action from the Police... .no going to court, no charges, nothing else

Lawyer who came to Police Station didn't feel there was anything in it.  Police took photos of my injuries (worse than hers).

Video was interesting viewing... .her shouting, pushing, and stamping on me... .lawyer pointed out that I remained pretty calm and wasn't the aggressive one. 

Yes, she is capable of anything... .had death threats, violence etc in last few months. 

I'm trying to move house sale forward.  That will be the only ending to this.

It sounds like the police have her number. Still, they remove you from the house -- maybe that's how things work where you live?

Is she still involved with the other man?

[SES]

Yes, the Police have a policy of arresting the person a DV complaint is made against.  In fairness, they were very pleasant from start to finish.  My interview was short, albeit the next day... .and their decision to take no further action was rather quick... .about 10 minutes.

These are the 4th set of allegations since christmas... .one set- not investigated as didn't feel were substantiated, 2nd that I was going to kill myself and my children, 3rd harrassment- no further action, and this.  Plus one to my employer... .which, if investigated didn't ever get mentioned to me.  

She says she ended her relationship with him... .but my good guess, she is still with him. Despite him cheating on her with at least 6 other women... .which she later went on to say hadn't happened.  I don't really care too much... .except my annoyance that he didn't do a better job of taking her away from me.  

Well, its all about getting an upper hand.  I think she thought it woud see me removed from teh house, and that would stop the sale etc etc, and also that it would impact on having shared care of our kids.  

Plus she has recently asked for reconciliation... .but she realises it is too late/too far... .

My mood has been in a better place recently, which makes coping easier.

Livednlearned- yes, it is a threat to me... .as soon as a contract can be signed on our house, I'll move out.  Until that point, she could stop the sale. 


I'm glad I can post on here, thanks everyone.

[ForeverDad]

Court will deal with her - and you - as you both are.  Court will not try to change either of you.  Court will not make her stop her affairs.  Court will not force the marriage to continue.  Court is the official but passive referee to unwind the marriage.

Sadly, best to follow the court's approach.  You can't make her change.  Whether she ended this affair or not, she could still have more affairs in the future.  She is an adult, she's allowed to make poor choices.  That is her pattern of behavior.  What IS in your power is to set your Reasonable But Firm Boundary that you will end the marriage if she continues with affairs and other behaviors sabotaging to the marriage.

[Thunderstruck]

Get a lock for that bedroom door! 

[livednlearned]

Get a lock for that bedroom door! 

And a booby trap. A bucket of water on a pulley tricked out over the door... .

[Panda39]

Get a lock for that bedroom door! 

And a booby trap. A bucket of water on a pulley tricked out over the door... .

I like it!

[Thunderstruck]

Get a lock for that bedroom door! 

And a booby trap. A bucket of water on a pulley tricked out over the door... .

Tar and feather! Tar and feather! 

[livednlearned]

Of course, if I did this in my home, I would totally forget it was there and open the door... .

[Matt]

Yes, the Police have a policy of arresting the person a DV complaint is made against.  In fairness, they were very pleasant from start to finish.  My interview was short, albeit the next day... .and their decision to take no further action was rather quick... .about 10 minutes.

These are the 4th set of allegations since christmas... .one set- not investigated as didn't feel were substantiated, 2nd that I was going to kill myself and my children, 3rd harrassment- no further action, and this.  Plus one to my employer... .which, if investigated didn't ever get mentioned to me.  

4 sets of allegations since Christmas - about one per month - so if you continue to have contact with her, there will be more.

And unless she isn't very smart, she will learn how to make them stick.

What's more, by continuing to be around her, you are clearly communicating, "It's OK to make false accusations against me."

In 20 states, including mine, the federal Violence Against Women Act is interpreted to require local cops to make an arrest - that is, arrest the man - any time there is an accusation of this sort.  Even if - as in my case - they find rock-solid proof that the accuser is lying, they are still required to make an arrest and charge him with something.

And those arrests - even if they are 100% baloney - will hurt your chances to have even 50/50 custody.

You are playing with fire!

Please do not ever be around her again, without a non-family adult third party present all the time.

It would be very sad for you and for your kids if at some point one of these accusations should stick - and the risk of that is pretty high if you continue to be around her.

[SES]

Thanks everyone... .Yes, the risks are high, and clearly it's just question of time until she does something else.   

I have been advised by lawyer to stay until the sale if our house is sealed by a contract.  When this happens, Ill get out, before we have to legally move out.  By moving out I might find that she stops the sale again. 

It feels precarious... .I haven't seen her since it happened... .She went away for a couple of days... .She told the police she be away at least a week, thus I would have the kids for her nights.  My prediction to the police was that she would come back before then, and she has... .she's had the kids the last two nights... .I have them from tomorrow pm onwards till Monday.  I stayed in a hotel last night... .  when she sent a text indicating she would have the kids.   I couldn't face being at home.  I'm back tonight... .After a very long drive... .I'm sporting a micro video camera, and audio recording. 

She tried to ring me yesterday.  Plus sent a string of texts.  Tonight she left me a letter

... .explaining how awful I am, and what a great woman have lost.    Strange... .I used to think it was the other way round... .More recently, I'm not sure I care, or if it matters.

Foreverdad ... .Yes. She could have more affairs... .In fact, I'd put money on it.  I really don't want her... .This has been undoubtedly the worst year of my life.  She has her strange attachment to me, whereby she seems to be unable to let me go, or for her to move on properly .  She is provocative,  and dangerous.   

My kids come first.   Then my job... .then everything else.

[Matt]

I have been advised by lawyer to stay until the sale if our house is sealed by a contract.  When this happens, Ill get out, before we have to legally move out.  By moving out I might find that she stops the sale again.  

Your criminal defense attorney or your divorce attorney?

And if you stay in the house, and end up in jail, will he go to jail with you?  Or will he sit comfortably in his office and collect his fee for telling you to put your freedom and your future at risk?

I would fire that lawyer and find one who has some experience with people like your wife.  Any lawyer who understands situations like this would not advise you to be in the same place as her, without a non-family adult third party present at every moment.

And make sure he (or she) is a criminal defense lawyer.  That's what's important right now - avoiding criminal charges.  You can't be there for your kids if you are in jail or unemployed because you have been charged with a serious crime - and that is where you are headed if you follow your current attorney's irresponsible advice.

[SES]

Agreed... .I am waiting for further advice... .   In the meantime I am trying to move to house sale further forward... .She has at last provide some of the documents she was asked for... .Now just a couple more, which if she doesn't,  I can purchase copies next week. 


Since the incident, a phone call, numerous abusive texts, two letters,  and on the only night I have been in the property with her... .She came into my room, pushing past a rather heavy bag on placed against the door... .Sat on my bed, demanding to talk. 

I have gone away with my kids... .To take stock.

[Thunderstruck]

Agreed... .I am waiting for further advice... .   In the meantime I am trying to move to house sale further forward... .She has at last provide some of the documents she was asked for... .Now just a couple more, which if she doesn't,  I can purchase copies next week. 


Since the incident, a phone call, numerous abusive texts, two letters,  and on the only night I have been in the property with her... .She came into my room, pushing past a rather heavy bag on placed against the door... .Sat on my bed, demanding to talk. 

I have gone away with my kids... .To take stock.

I was serious about a lock on the door. They're cheap, quick, and easy to install.

Since she's stomping all over your boundaries while you're there, it probably means she's going into the room and going through your things when you're not there. Please don't leave anything (documents, passport, license, recorders, cell phone, computer, etc etc) in the room unattended. Even when you go to shower or leave for "just a few minutes".

[ForeverDad]

A cheap handset lock is maybe $15, a little more for ones without plastic internal parts.  Swap it in until you move and then put the old one back on.

I agree, expect that your room is searched regularly.  Don't even trust a locked briefcase or locked trunk.  Other members have found out they're no match against prying/smashing by screwdrivers, hammers and tire irons.

As for the remaining paperwork, why give her the opportunity to cause further delays?  Maybe she will, maybe she won't.  Go ahead, get the copies yourself and be done with it.

Four police incidents?  That's scary.  Yes, they're beginning to get an idea who the real problem is but don't risk another incident, as you've already noticed, most agencies will default to carting off the men.

My ex made explicit death threats before and after I called the police.  She even grabbed the handset and hung up my 911 call.  I think I was almost carted off, but my preschooler shrieked and clung even tighter to me when they instructed me to hand him over to his mother and "step away" and so they just said "work it out" and left.  What kid won't go to his mother?  Ever since I've said he saved me that day.  Once I downloaded the recording when she was elsewhere, I called and had them come back.  The recording was used in court, she even admitted threatening me.  However the judge said there was no weapon in her hands, was not an "imminent" threat per case law and so found her not guilty.  So I asked my lawyer if she has the right now to make death threats with impunity as long as her hands are empty?

I think he made that ruling because (1) she wasn't a repeat offender, it was her first time and (2) of course she was female.  How could a man be a victim?  The case law was of another case where a guy came home drunk and told his wife that if he had a gun he's shoot her.  Well, he didn't have a gun and so she couldn't get a conviction.  Even my ADA remarked that my case wasn't the same as that 'conditional threat' referenced in case law.

My experience was somewhat invalidating.  I can't imagine me getting the same bland treatment she got if it had instead me threatening to kill my spouse.  Fortunately my son and my recordings 'saved' me.

[livednlearned]

SES, I can imagine how, after these repeated experiences being falsely accused, and then pretty much no harsh consequences for either of you (although going to jail... .that has to be awful) would lull you into thinking that this is somehow tolerable.

What do you think about contacting a criminal lawyer like Matt suggested? Just to be sure that you aren't missing something here. Feels like we're all worried about your safety, and you're reassuring us that things are bad, but okay. Do you feel you've been given the best advice by your lawyer?

[Matt]

Yeah, and I'm sorry to repeat myself, but I had a very thick skull when I was where you are - it took me too long to get it through my head that I had to protect myself... .

If you are out of the house, and the kids are you, why would you even consider going back where your crazy wife who has made multiple serious accusations against you is?

Is there a court order forcing you to have more contact with her?

Or is there a court order forcing you to hand the kids over to her?

And if you would violate that court order - just tell your lawyer, "The kids are safe with me but they're not safe with her." - what would be the consequences?  (If you cite the kids' safety as your reason - maybe none.)

Best wishes,

Matt

[Waddams]

I know someone whose kid's were endangered by her ex-.  She didn't have custody.  But she took them anyway and fled the state and told the cops, lawyers, etc. to arrest her if they didn't like it.  She got custody reversed in an emergency hearing shortly thereafter after being able to document and justify herself to the judge.

Also - can you go file a police report using your recordings of her assault on you?  Start the ball rolling towards her being arrested and charged with DV against you?  It's amazing that with such strong evidence that the cops won't go arrest the woman but it's like that everywhere.  So biased.  Around here, once the arrest is made, there is opportunity for the victim to have a either a no contact or no violent contact RO immediately issued.  With the history of proven false allegations as well as video of her attack, a logical person would think the no contact order would be automatic.

I wonder if such extreme bias in the law enforcement/legal system against men would merit a civil right's case?  I mean, how are SES's civil rights not being totally trampled on right now?

[GaGrl]

What about an emergency hearing for your divorce lawyer to file for you to have possession of the house as well as a no-contact order, based on four ... .count 'em... .FOUR false and unsubstantiated accusations. Should be fairly obvious to a judge that you are past the point of being in the house together. But she should leave, not you.

[livednlearned]

What about an emergency hearing for your divorce lawyer to file for you to have possession of the house as well as a no-contact order, based on four ... .count 'em... .FOUR false and unsubstantiated accusations. Should be fairly obvious to a judge that you are past the point of being in the house together. But she should leave, not you.

... .for the kids, if not for you. The courts would hopefully care that they have their lives seriously impacted by all of this.

[Matt]

Waddams makes an excellent point (which I'm disappointed in myself I failed to suggest):

In some states it is a crime to make false criminal accusations.  If you have evidence that your wife has made a false accusation, you may be able to file criminal charges and/or civil charges.

My suggestion would be to research your state's laws - they're probably online - and find out how this works where you live;  and discuss this option with your criminal defense attorney.

You may be able to get off the defensive.

The advantages of civil charges, by the way, are that the police are probably not involved, and the standard of proof is "a predominance of the evidence", not "proof beyond reasonable doubt".  So if you have some evidence that your wife broke the law, but not rock-solid proof, civil charges might work better.

[Matt]

What about an emergency hearing for your divorce lawyer to file for you to have possession of the house as well as a no-contact order, based on four ... .count 'em... .FOUR false and unsubstantiated accusations. Should be fairly obvious to a judge that you are past the point of being in the house together. But she should leave, not you.

I like this idea a lot.

[livednlearned]

In some states it is a crime to make false criminal accusations.  

SES is in the UK.