Marriage Therapist Married to a BPDw

[DrA]

I have  a PhD in marriage and family therapy.  Let me tell you, this makes my own marriage to a BPDw completely confusing!  As a marriage therapist, we are trained to see everything, EVERYTHING, as a two way problem.  So, when my wife goes in to some type of rage, I immediately begin to question my own role in this event.  After all, she wouldn't be having a tantrum, if I hadn't done something to trigger it according to system's theory. 

Early in our marriage, I tried to pull my marriage therapist card (I know it is obnoxious, but I was desperate) and basically tell her that her tantrums were well beyond the normal response of an annoyed wife.  This was of course completely rejected by saying that I was just waaaaaay too sensitive.  (Most therapists are right? She also added that real marriages do not have all of that lovey dovey, romantic stuff.  Me wanting that stuff was unrealistic because I was a marriage therapist. So confusing.   

I also tried some of the techniques I was learning to solve issues between us.  But, we were having major blow up after major blow up whenever we would discuss a sensitive topic! Again, I wondered what I was doing wrong.


 

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[CastleofGlass]

I responded to another post of yours before seeing this post of yours. Again, I truly feel for you being a marriage therapist married to a pwBPD. If your wife is anything like mine, your PhD in marriage and family therapy means nothing when you and her are concerned. I doubt even a PhD in Psychology would help a person married to a pwBPD. Maybe only in understanding their actions, but in no way could you try to bring your PhD into a contest of validation with a BP.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, this is yet more reassurance that BPD is not easy to see, even for someone trained to see it. My BPDh's ex is a T, and my belief is that they both have PD's. She used to stab him, and he has physical scars. I'm sure she's only a T because he never reported these numerous instances. He would sit in the ER being stitched up, and never told a soul. He used the victim card to me, and having come from an abusive marriage, I could totally sympathize with him. What I didn't realize until after we'd married, and the true him came out, was that I'm sure she was reacting to his rages, and anger. Now, a non PD would not pick up a knife or hammer(which she did), and her kids all say she's crazy, and I've witnessed her crazy in person too, so I know it was likely a case of two PD's in one marriage.

I agree with what you say about there being two in every marriage, and I know I likely trigger BPDh in some ways, and I was definitely co dependent before I realized he was BPD/NPD. He's diagnosed with Explosive Intermittent Disorder, and in DBT. I'm working on not being co dependent, and having boundaries, and not picking up fleas(a few of which I had).

Give yourself a break. Your training as a marriage counselor, in a way, made it harder to see? You came from a good place because you were looking at how you contribute.