Relationship going to pieces, hellish breakup ahead

[Jaded11]

Hello to everyone!

I am in quite a horrible state, and decided to ask for help and support.

For around a year now I have been involved with someone with BPD. The diagnosis was not there , but it became apparent as we went along. I am a psychologist myself, and I realized this was the case at some point. My caregiver nature and my background were extra reasons I did not want to just not get involved with him. After a while my partner realized and accepted the situation and was even motivated and encouraged (by me) to ask for help, which I was very happy with. Unfortunately he was put on a waiting list, and as of now therapy has not started yet.

We have been on the rocks from the beginning, but after every crisis/breakdown/attack he was always very reflective, apologizing, sweet- and I wanted to not give up on him, as I believed that things can work through.

For the past few months, and as his therapy has been coming closer, things have been going from bad to worse. Basically we have been going from crisis to crisis, with my boyfriend being very low and aggressive most of the time, often breaking down or closing himself completely. He has been searching a lot into himself and the insights have brought him both relief and pain. Gradually I came to realize that I cannot wait for the therapy to start - I mean I cannot endure the emotional abuse UNTIL then. Therefore the idea of breaking up was suggested to me by everyone I know as the only solution, but one that I did not want to accept myself. And actually I still don't. I write here because I feel despair and hopelessness and want to share my story.

For the last 2 months, we have never had more than 1 week in peace. That's how long it can mostly last... .After, it is chaos, arguments out of nothing and nowhere, paranoia, madness, intensity that I didn't know how to cope with, yet convinced he is worth it. I still believe that. We went through periods that he was very distant to me, avoided sex or any physical contact, avoided social gatherings with friends- yet if I would go out with a friend he would make me pay hard for it before and after. Anything that challenged his perception of safety was a catastrophe. We have each our own house, and in the last 2 months I have never visited him at his home- he was always coming to me. For the simple reason that whenever I would be invited to him, he would be much more sensitive in his environment and the day/night would end up in another devaluing, enraged attack over nothing. When he would realize that I may have shared my suffering with friends, in an attempt to seek support, even bigger fights would follow. Because I was not allowed to talk to ANYONE about him.

Ideally I would like to have asked for some distance, but to him this option does not exist. It's all or nothing, it's either we're together or I am dead to him. I have WANTED to be there for him, and perhaps in a while that his therapy starts, we could have a chance to work things over again. That's what I hoped.

Now I find myself unable to put the story together, at loss of words or coherence. In any way I don't think you'd want to read it all, so I'll try my best to put the pieces together. I'm sorry if it sounds chaotic.

Just today it seems like we broke up. Ofcourse this has been told to me countless times already, but today I'm afraid of it the most. The trigger/reason: after the last months' drama, I considered that I would like to actually spend summer holidays apart (we both are expats so our homes are in other countries). This is something that till now I was not able to express to him, as I was afraid he would react madly to it. For a while now even my friends had noticed that I have "changed"- self-monitoring, censoring myself, being cautious of what words to use, where to look, if I smile, etc etc when he is around. For a while now Fear has been the main emotion, and affection would come in really rare moments of calmness. The topic of holidays was a touchy subject, and just today in a calm discussion, he mentioned that after all he will not travel with me to my country for holidays- so then I finally was able to speak my mind and admitted that I also find it wiser to have some time for ourselves to calm down , take a breath and return calmer and more "whole" to each other.

This resulted in a major outburst that hurt me beyond repair. "If we won't go on holidays together, then we break up right now and I don't want to see you/hear about you/know you ever again. You're dead to me". The words I have heard are incredible, the devaluation impossible, and the distorted story that he has created in his head makes me feel helpless. This is just SO unfair. Isn't there a way that the BPD person does not completely devalue you? For me, although this breakup does not seem as the worst option there is- since I have really been suffering and emotionally abused for some time already- I just find it so unfair. So mean. How can he be so mean to me? So thoughtless? Today his words made me cry and begging him to stop, and he was LAUGHING. He devalued me in ways I had not imagined he could think of. Apparently I am a heartless b___, the one that cannot come close in a relationship, the one that never cared about him, that never did anything for him, that I had him like a last priority, that everyone else (ie. my friends, family) came first for me, and he always came last, that I am unable to love, that he needs to find another woman that IS willing to be with him and will also want to be close- unlike myself. How is it even possible that in a moment he has erased EVERYTHING I have ever done for him, all the times I have been there for him trying to support him and caring about him when he was in pieces? All the times I tried to bring him out of the darkness? How can he act as if I suddenly mean absolutely nothing to him and talk to me as if I am worth nothing, like I'm his worst enemy? How is it possible to speak like this, so hurtfully and maliciously, to someone you love and don't want to lose? How can you scream for closeness and intimacy and at the same time kick it away with rage, when someone actually does come close? I don't get it anymore.

Suddenly now I am nothing to him, he even said he has wasted 1 year of his life with me and that he has learned nothing out of this relationship. Despite all the times that he said completely the opposite, and was lucid and reflective enough to understand what's the effect of his behaviour on me.

My question is, how to proceed from now on? How to cope? Maybe you think I should know these things, being a psychologist, but I am completely clueless. I feel hurt, abused, angry, and at the same time I would so much want to make it right again. I want to be around, to be in his life- if not as a partner, then as a human being. After all lately we haven't really been acting as a couple. More like good friends. So what's the problem continuing like this? Why is this the ONLY way for him; to erase my whole existence from his life and memory? How will I cope with this breakup? How should I deal with him?

Please help me, if you know how. I'm sorry for this hectic story. But really I don't feel like I feel safe enough to talk to anyone else. I'm scared

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi Jaded11

Welcome to bpdfamily.   I am sorry for the events that have driven you to find us and the pain that you are suffering today.   I know the difficulties of being in a relationship with someone who has the traits of BPD.

You have come to a good place where you will find a bunch of people who understand exactly what you are going through.   We have all been there.   

I am pretty sure you understand the emotional intensity that is inherent with BPD.     Being on the receiving end of it is a whole 'nother thing together.   It's very difficult to not be wounded when being raged at.  I remember two arguments where I ended up curled up on the sofa in the fetal position while my partner stormed at me about how I was "hurting" her.   At the time I didn't understand that when she emotionally deregulated, she couldn't put the brakes on that and would literally say and do almost anything as her emotional pain mounted.     I've learned to understand it as her emotions are on fire and the only thing she can do is hurl them at me, in order to get rid of the what is boiling over in her.   

The other thing I've noticed is that as her emotions rise, so do mine,  and eventually the level of tension and intensity between us was always on the roof.   We became that high conflict couple that people talk about.  Nothing was comfortable, nothing was relaxed.   It was a horrible way to live.   

Eventually I came here and learned the tools and studied the lessons.   My relationship has gotten much much better.  Have you found the Lessons on the right hand side of the page?  I can't say enough good stuff about them.   

In answer to your question, how do you proceed from now on?   I guess that depends on what you want?  I would suspect that your emotions are still raw from the last conflict.  I know mine would be.   I would suggest you start by looking at take the plege on the right hand side of the page. 


'ducks