When to Get Out? What I should Have done

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's real easy to play revisionist history long after the damage has been done. Many times, I think about the instances when I should have listened to my gut and called it quits. I hope this post can hope some of you who are still in the midst of relationship of this type.

When to call it quits?

Is he/she buying or selling? What does this mean? It's a feeling you get. It's the feeling that they are doing things to make you happy and gain your approval. During the honeymoon stage it almost feels like this person is worshiping you. Good morning texts, goodnight texts, talking about the future, gestures such as gifts-- it almost feels like the spotlight is on you.

Changes in habits and rituals? Did/do you notice changes in behavioral patterns? Did you ex stop with the texts after you finished talking at night? Did your ex seem to change their text and call patterns? Were there less texts? Did he/she seem to say that they we talking to friends/family? Did they make excuses and say they were going to bed early? Did they say they were going to places and not share texts or pictures? This could be a sign that your partner is cultivating a replacement.



Point of no return? Did you notice that they would stonewall you and refuse to talk about the relationship? They would use phases like... ."Why are we always talking about our relationship" and "I'm not having fun anymore". Usually by this time its too late and most people are too emotionally entrenched to remove themselves.

***Key Point*** Why these relationships are so destructive to codependents is that it seems that they will make you more dependent on them. That is when they get you. When you financially and emotionally tied to them they will usually devalue and discard.

Advice: Get out at the first sign of trouble. If their behavior patterns have changed it is of utmost importance to move on. It will only be a matter of time when they wear you down, drain your lifeforce, and discard you in the most cruel manner.

[Jack2727]

It's real easy to play revisionist history long after the damage has been done. Many times, I think about the instances when I should have listened to my gut and called it quits. I hope this post can hope some of you who are still in the midst of relationship of this type.

When to call it quits?

Is he/she buying or selling? What does this mean? It's a feeling you get. It's the feeling that they are doing things to make you happy and gain your approval. During the honeymoon stage it almost feels like this person is worshiping you. Good morning texts, goodnight texts, talking about the future, gestures such as gifts-- it almost feels like the spotlight is on you.

Changes in habits and rituals? Did/do you notice changes in behavioral patterns? Did you ex stop with the texts after you finished talking at night? Did your ex seem to change their text and call patterns? Were there less texts? Did he/she seem to say that they we talking to friends/family? Did they make excuses and say they were going to bed early? Did they say they were going to places and not share texts or pictures? This could be a sign that your partner is cultivating a replacement.



Point of no return? Did you notice that they would stonewall you and refuse to talk about the relationship? They would use phases like... ."Why are we always talking about our relationship" and "I'm not having fun anymore". Usually by this time its too late and most people are too emotionally entrenched to remove themselves.

***Key Point*** Why these relationships are so destructive to codependents is that it seems that they will make you more dependent on them. That is when they get you. When you financially and emotionally tied to them they will usually devalue and discard.

Advice: Get out at the first sign of trouble. If their behavior patterns have changed it is of utmost importance to move on. It will only be a matter of time when they wear you down, drain your lifeforce, and discard you in the most cruel manner.

[Ripped Heart]

Jack, you make some good points here but I think one of the key things within any relationship is communication.

Some of the points you describe can/do happen in relationships regardless of whether it is with pwBPD so it's important at stages not to become too paranoid and that's where communication comes in.

For example, you mention about changes in text and call patterns. To be perfectly honest, I consider this quite normal and something I do too. If I'm busy with work or in a meeting, I don't text people, that's not to say something sinister is going on or it is anything to worry about. It also doesn't mean I've stopped caring about the other person either so this is where it is easy from a co-dependent position to get too caught up. An example of this is that I could text someone every morning but one morning I sleep in and running late for work. My priority wouldn't be on sending a text but making sure I got to work on time and then when things have settled, send a text then. Everybody is an individual and situations can change. Expecting a concrete routine and getting concerned if your expectations aren't met can be damaging to you and to a relationship.

Relationships are built on trust and if someone texts you every morning but then the pattern changes, it can be easy to micro analyse a situation and be wrong about it too. I know because I've been there too. That's where there is a difference and also a point you raised in regard to refusing to talk about a relationship. If something is concerning to you, you should be able to express those feelings and be listened to and that's where there is a difference.

I would be a little concerned at the comment about moving on if behavioural patterns change because in reality, they can do all the time and that isn't strictly for pwBPD. Again, the key to it all is communication. If patterns change and the other person refuses to talk about it, then you may have to question your position in the relationship but I wouldn't necessarily advocate moving on simply because your expectations haven't been met or you haven't taken the opportunity to talk to the other person about it.

[Jack2727]

You do make some good points.

I guess I'm basing these assertions on my experience. I do know that in healthy relationships that there is a balance and healthy communication. In my last relationship it was different. My ex was very regimented. She was very predictable in her behavioral patterns. Maybe that was just unique to her but when those behavioral patterns changed it set off an internal alarm. This happened in a month period that lead to the discard.

Of course, it would be silly to analyze every call and text message. But when you sense a definite change in patterns I think there is some validity to concern.

[Beach_Babe]

Yes, yes, yes! Bravo Jack. Every single warning sign (up to and including cruel discard). Next time I will be heading your wise advice.

[Ripped Heart]

Jack, the points you do make are completely valid. It was the same in my own experience too with exBPDgf, she would become distant, behaviours would change, she would want time on her own because she wasn't feeling great about herself. A week or so later she would feel better about herself and that pattern kept emerging. As it turned out, each time that was happening, she was off cheating with someone different.

The only reason I found out is because she accidentally uploaded a photo of her in bed with some other guy to our shared photo location.

So all the points you make are entirely valid   The point I was trying to make is that you do see some of those patterns with nons too but it doesn't necessarily mean they are following that same pattern. But at least with a non, you have a much better chance of being able to sit down and talk about your concerns without the feeling of walking on egg shells or having your feelings thrown back in your face.

I was dating a non for a few months but work commitments from me and also her made it difficult for us to find time together. As a result, we both agreed to cool things and just continue to be friends for now. If things change in the future, who knows? With her, we would text each day, I might text her in the morning but if it was a busy day for her, she wouldn't text back, instead she would call on her way home from work. Likewise, she might text me but I would be in a meeting so would text her when I was free. Neither of us felt we had to explain ourselves to each other. Also, if I was doing things with my children, she wouldn't text or call at all because she was aware that was my time with my children and she didn't want to encroach on that, which was her decision and not mine.

What I found in both of my BPD relationships was that pattern of predictability you talked about. It was like they both followed a script and it was easy to spot there where behavioural patterns do change. I could set a watch by both exN/BPDw (who would create an argument if there had been 1 week of calm) and exBPDw who would disassociate and withdraw every 3 weeks.

So whilst your points can be entirely valid within a BPD r/s it doesn't necessarily mean all these patterns can apply to a r/s with a non. Again, I found the big difference between the 2 types of relationship came down to communication. You are right though to trust your gut instincts though and if you see too many red flags, it means that relationship isn't right for you, regardless of whether it is a BPD r/s or a non r/s.

[Jack2727]

It's funny now that when I look back at that relationship there was little or no communication. In the beginning, she seemed to mirror me and try to gain my sympathy on how bad her one ex was and how many issues her family had. When things started falling apart, I remember trying in earnest to talk to her and to work things out. She refused.

The biggest turning point in that relationship was when I started calling her out and asking for my needs to be met. In the beginning when I was there parading her around town and paying for everything there wasn't any conflicts. When I started asking her to pay for things and telling her I needed to find a job, it became not fun anymore.

One classic scene I remember was grocery shopping with her. Everything in the basket was what she wanted and I was the one paying for it. I would argue with her over that. This is the same girl who used to argue with her ex on how to load a dishwasher.

I know I may have gone on a tangent. I guess the point I am trying to make to everyone is get out while your ego is intact. Prior to her, I had never been discarded in the manner that I had been. It is a total ego hit. Perhaps its taking a page out of the BPD playbook by abandoning your partner. But really? Would you rather get out before they drop you at a time that is most inconvenient for you?

It always seems that they do. Whether its a death in the family, impending marriage, holiday, or some other challenging event such as a job loss, they always seem to know when to do it.

Don't try to rationalize their behavior either. It will drive you crazy and you will find yourself talking to yourself! HAHA. But seriously, to all of you who are still in the throws of the drama, I empathize and pray for you.