tragic history

[married21years]

Hi all my wife with BPD, got a boyfriend when she was 14, she was together 6 months, became pregnant, had a termination and then he died in a car crash after.

i believe this is the root of the inner shame and abandonment but i cant tell her she has to realise this. she then had a caring over protective cousin that invalidated her feelings of loss. she blames herself for the decision and says her mum made her do it. but this is a lie.

this is the root of the problem.

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[sweetheart]

Hi 

What a truly tragic thing to happen at such a young age. Anyone would find it difficult to recover emotionally from this kind of trauma especially without effective support networks.

I suspect there is no way of knowing for sure whether this was the main trigger for your wife's BPD, but certainly it would have been a very difficult event for a teenager to navigate. And yes emotional scars can take a long time if ever to fade for some people, for pwBPD these kind of traumas are often relieved emotionally over and over again with very little resolution, and your wife may never acknowledge that this is what underpins some of her issues.

I know things about my dBPDh's past that I attribute huge significance to in the way of emotional triggers for him, but I am not my husband. What I acknowledge and validate for him is that he felt invalidated, neglected, hurt and abused in his past, the actual events are more fluid for him and their significance will change over time in his memory.

Does your wife talk about this time in her life with you, or does she have  T ? Are you hoping that if she could talk about this area that things might improve for her?

[married21years]

thanks sweetheart, this time in her life is a taboo area she self invalidates and changes history to avoid it. and makes up other trama to prescribe her BPD too. but i know this is what did the damage. this is when here whole personality changed from a good hard working school kid to a off the rails nightmare

i came into her life and was the calming steady influence she needed at the time

[sweetheart]

It can be very difficult when we can see areas that someone we love is struggling with but continue to stay stuck. pwBPD can spend a lot of time chasing their tails emotionally and in the case of my h, missing what sometimes seems like an obvious issue.

Are you still able to be the calm, constant person in your relationship ? Who is there for support for you ?

[married21years]

yes i am calm and i am in weekly therapy, i am learning all i can to help her so hard not to be the fixer i am



thx

[waverider]

A common pattern I believe is a genetic seeded propensity to personality disorders, followed by a trigger such as you describe. This is then not dealt with in a healthy way but rather by continued invalidation and setting the disorder into a pattern. From there it becomes self perpetuating as actions due to the disorder create more invalidating reactions.  

It is very hard to get accurate information of early development as recollections of those involved are usually twisted and slanted to provide answers the reteller is trying to validate.

Severe invalidation and or abandonment during the teenage years certainly seem to be a major vulnerability.

[married21years]

luckily at that time i was in the area and have contacts with the boyfriends sister and i was able in the background able to peace together the chronology of what happened and corroborate of disprove statements by my uBPDw.

i am convinced this is the central issue she is avoiding. especially as grief of losing a loved one is a major trigger, she was banned from telling a major care giver about all this!

i am deciphering it all whilst being subjected to smear campaigns.

and i have a horrendous history of child abuse and mistreatment by my peers. as well as dyslexic. all of which i have overcome.

i am 44 yo and i have had 39 years of abuse in my life!

time for things to change 

[sweetheart]

Coming and posting here is a great start, so is having a T 

You sound very aware of what is happening, that said though it can be extremely hard to keep yourself together amidst all things BPD.

Can you say anymore about the smear campaigns, a lot of members here will be able to identify with this.

Keep posting.

[married21years]

i was a member of a local fire brigade, i was forced out and ostricised for nothing

i have lost lots of friends and been painted as mental and abusive

i have left the country and i am presently working abroad

everything is my fault as she plays the victim

thanks for all the support