Miss the daily stuff

[confusedinWI]

So the last few days to a week I've been doing a lot better, when I notice I'm starting to get down I redirect or I just acknowledge what I'm feeling and move on.

One thing I've noticed though that I really miss is the daily things that I would do with my exgf. The texting back and forth, the goodbyes in the morning, the "hey can you pick this up on the way home from work", coming home to her, asking each other about our day, on the nights my kids would spend over her coming into the bedroom to help me tuck them in at night.

Lately I've noticed how quiet my phone has been. Yes I text my friends, but it's not the same level. Granted I didn't like having to deal with the passive aggressive texts from ex gf but I really miss talking with her whether it was through text, phone calls on my thirty minute drive home, or just face to face.

I think what hurts with that is knowing that she's doing that with her new man now, giving him those same talks like we had.

I know it's part of the process but it hurts, I tell myself all the negatives about how the relationship wasn't working but when you were with someone for two years, and you talked to them daily for two years, it's tough to give up.

I've not talked with her in over three months. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago that I was with her, sometimes It feels like it was just last night that I was walking into our apartment, seeing her, doing all the normal little things.

I'm a little afraid of in the future even putting myself out there again like that. The two women I loved in my life (my ex wife, my ex gf) both are gone. I never had a problem with commitment or being vulnerable before, but I don't know if I can go through this hurt again.

-Confused (and hurting)

[Arcturus81]

Hey confused.

I am having the same problem. I miss all the little things too. The hardest part for me was waking up and not seeing her there next to me. I miss all the "I love you" texts as well. The list goes on and on.

I am still doing the daily reminders that the relationship was toxic and that I was headed for a cliff no matter what I did. However, the reason these relationships are so addictive is that this person walks into your life and makes you their world. It is a hard thing to explain to someone who has never experienced that. Most people dismiss it and say that you should just "get over it". My family is sick to death of hearing about it from me and that is because they don't understand it.

Thank god for this site. I am getting better and you will too.

I realized that trying to look for another relationship after only 3 months NC from my ex would probably end up badly. I am still hurting and as such my standards for a woman are significantly lower. At this point I would probably choose anyone who even treated me with even the slightest affection. That is why I am putting it off for a while. I thought that jumping into another relationship would be good for me since that is what my ex did. Then I started examining my reasons for thinking that. I was just suffering from wounded pride and thought that I needed another woman just to piss off my ex since she found another guy.

The truth is that you will get better. You will find another. It will be just be in your own time though. Let things take there course and don't try to rush them.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey Confused, I am about 6 months out of the r/s but can totally relate.  I miss the connection, companionship, the fun we had.  JHe was super smart and so funny.  So much about him I enjoyed so very much. 

That said, I am aware that while on some level I miss HIM, specifically, I also definitely know that I miss having SOMEONE with whom those things happen.  I am pretty sure that if I found myself in a r/s with someone new I would not be pining away for him.  In fact, a new (working) r/s would likely affirm how very little I miss him personally.  As such, it is helpful to remind myself that I miss those things more than I miss him.  While no two r/s's are ever the same, this idea that I'll never find anyone I love as much as I loved him is just hogwash!  

All that stuff I am missing is a good reminder to full re-engage in my life and re-join the land of the living which includes socializing, working, taking care of myself/my home physically and emotionally and also dating!  

 

[confusedinWI]

Maybe part of the hurt comes from how quickly she replaced me. I went from being her forever love as she said and her best friend to being replaced by someone else before I even moved out of the apartment.

Yet I still think about her. My daughter still thinks about her and wishes their were times shr could tell her things. I feel like for how she hurt me and my kids I should hate her but I cant. I should want karma to get her.

I also still miss her physically as well.

II hate this

[Lucky Jim]

Hey confused, Agree w/others above: your feelings are normal.  In some ways, a r/s with a pwBPD is similar to an addiction, in that we know its bad for us yet still want to do it, and afterwards there are these excruciating withdrawal symptoms.  Yes, you probably were headed for a cliff and be grateful that you didn't go over it, as some of us have done.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you really are on a path towards greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[Trog]

So the last few days to a week I've been doing a lot better, when I notice I'm starting to get down I redirect or I just acknowledge what I'm feeling and move on.

One thing I've noticed though that I really miss is the daily things that I would do with my exgf. The texting back and forth, the goodbyes in the morning, the "hey can you pick this up on the way home from work", coming home to her, asking each other about our day, on the nights my kids would spend over her coming into the bedroom to help me tuck them in at night.

Lately I've noticed how quiet my phone has been. Yes I text my friends, but it's not the same level. Granted I didn't like having to deal with the passive aggressive texts from ex gf but I really miss talking with her whether it was through text, phone calls on my thirty minute drive home, or just face to face.

I think what hurts with that is knowing that she's doing that with her new man now, giving him those same talks like we had.

I know it's part of the process but it hurts, I tell myself all the negatives about how the relationship wasn't working but when you were with someone for two years, and you talked to them daily for two years, it's tough to give up.

I've not talked with her in over three months. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago that I was with her, sometimes It feels like it was just last night that I was walking into our apartment, seeing her, doing all the normal little things.

I'm a little afraid of in the future even putting myself out there again like that. The two women I loved in my life (my ex wife, my ex gf) both are gone. I never had a problem with commitment or being vulnerable before, but I don't know if I can go through this hurt again.

-Confused (and hurting)

The anger can push us on for many months when the relationship is over. Anger at ourselves and anger at them. I feel this way sometimes. I do miss my wife, but she treated me very badly and what would I do if she turned around and wanted to fix things? I've done that before and in the end I left her again. I can't pretend things were ok and I left for a very good reason, but yes, I miss her. I just have to hope that I can sort myself out and find someone who truly loves me. There was so much pain inflicted, she wasn't careful with my heart and very selfish, we have to believe in better than this. I deserve better. Whether I get it, I'm very confident that with enough time, I'll meet someone better than my ex. But mostly I miss her as a part of my past, like you say, the little things, the in-jokes, the snuggling. But I just do not believe you can have a happy life with a person with a mental illness who will not face up/therapy/meds. I lost a dream, in reality, I never had.

[Trog]

Maybe part of the hurt comes from how quickly she replaced me. I went from being her forever love as she said and her best friend to being replaced by someone else before I even moved out of the apartment.

Yet I still think about her. My daughter still thinks about her and wishes their were times shr could tell her things. I feel like for how she hurt me and my kids I should hate her but I cant. I should want karma to get her.

I also still miss her physically as well.

II hate this

This is going to sound strange, but it's not personal. Her moving on fast, my exes behaviour, BPD people cope by behaving this way. Just like many codependent people learned to cope in their childhoods with poor parenting, the BPD is the same, they just cope in another way. It isn't a reflection on the level of love she had for you.

My ex loved her partner before me an incredible amount, she talked about them all the time, it was very annoying, this was clearly a big love to her and I believe it really was love. She cheated on this person and left them for a rebound who meant nothing to her, it's what they do. It's like being unspent with a dog for yapping when guests come to the door... .They just are compelled, it's a learnt coping mechanism But because nothing could be further from our minds, we feel it means they never loved us, or they are cheapening us somehow. You don't get to choose HOW people love you, you get to decide whether or not to participate.

It's really really sad, BPD folk are so messed up, and we're messed up too or else we'd never let the relationship develop. I found a message once from a doctor who dated my ex, he saw her a few times and eventually wrote to her saying that 'no-one had ever made him feel so bad about himself'. No one had made me feel so bad about myself too... .So anxious, so unspecial, yet I married her. I'm still not entirely sure why.

[Lucky Jim]

No one had made me feel so bad about myself too... .So anxious, so unspecial, yet I married her. I'm still not entirely sure why.

Hey Trog, Same here.  Yet I married her, too.  My own issues made me susceptible to a pwBPD.  I see that now, which is the gift that one gains in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  LJ

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Maybe part of the hurt comes from how quickly she replaced me. I went from being her forever love as she said and her best friend to being replaced by someone else before I even moved out of the apartment.

Yet I still think about her. My daughter still thinks about her and wishes their were times shr could tell her things. I feel like for how she hurt me and my kids I should hate her but I cant. I should want karma to get her.

I also still miss her physically as well.

II hate this

This is going to sound strange, but it's not personal. Her moving on fast, my exes behaviour, BPD people cope by behaving this way. Just like many codependent people learned to cope in their childhoods with poor parenting, the BPD is the same, they just cope in another way. It isn't a reflection on the level of love she had for you.

Here's something else that may sound strange:  the warp speed at which BPDs tend to move is probably inversely proportional to the snail's pace at which the nons fail to do so.  BPDs probably tend to discard and move on too quick;  we nons probably hang on too long and don't move on quick enough.  They don't think/reflect and we over-think/over-reflect. 

Both are likely unhealthy.  We nons probably think our way is better.  But who actually knows?  If I truly fell in love with someone (healthy) new tomorrow I would be delighted. 

Just a thought! 

[Trog]

Maybe part of the hurt comes from how quickly she replaced me. I went from being her forever love as she said and her best friend to being replaced by someone else before I even moved out of the apartment.

Yet I still think about her. My daughter still thinks about her and wishes their were times shr could tell her things. I feel like for how she hurt me and my kids I should hate her but I cant. I should want karma to get her.

I also still miss her physically as well.

II hate this

This is going to sound strange, but it's not personal. Her moving on fast, my exes behaviour, BPD people cope by behaving this way. Just like many codependent people learned to cope in their childhoods with poor parenting, the BPD is the same, they just cope in another way. It isn't a reflection on the level of love she had for you.

Here's something else that may sound strange:  the warp speed at which BPDs tend to move is probably inversely proportional to the snail's pace at which the nons fail to do so.  BPDs probably tend to discard and move on too quick;  we nons probably hang on too long and don't move on quick enough.  They don't think/reflect and we over-think/over-reflect. 

Both are likely unhealthy.  We nons probably think our way is better.  But who actually knows?  If I truly fell in love with someone (healthy) new tomorrow I would be delighted. 

Just a thought! 

Me too!