My Wife Just Checks Out A lot

[DrA]

My wife does this thing a lot where she basically gets held up in her room with a headache or tired or sickness of some sort (which usually feels like "I want a break from you all so I can plug into facebook or text my family".  Later, I will then mention that we would really like to spend time with her or remind her that she said she would come down and watch the movie with us, but that was 45 minutes ago and she isn't coming down.  This usually brings on the fight because I am "too controlling." 

This drives me crazy. 

Pretty much whenever I try to get her to follow through on a commitment to our relationship she has made (We'll do this thing together at this time), I am a controlling jerk.  When I remind her that I am just following through and expecting what she said we would do, she then goes back on her commitment and says she only made the commitment in the first place to get me off her back.  Funny thing is, I have to get her to make commitments to the relationship because it feels like she will ignore and avoid the relationship the vast majority of the time unless I get her to commit to times together.  Ugh!

I always tell her that I am ok with her needing some alone time, but let me know ahead of time so I can plan better for it.  There is nothing worse than looking forward to an activity with someone and then having it canceled at the last minute.  And then to have this happen routinely is pretty awful feeling.  I don't want to be controlling, but I would like some follow through.  Am I hoping for way to much to expect a BPD spouse to be able to make real commitments and follow through on those said commitments?   

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[Hmcbart]

In my experience the answer is yes.  My wife is very good at keeping commitments to friends and volunteer activities at school but never with me. She hasn't come down and watched a movie with the kids and I in over 2 years.

The headaches and ailments seem to be common from what I've read in other posts. I told my wife I have a super power. I can cause her to get a headache or stomach ache with my words and I don't even need to be in the same room or even state to do it. I just ask her to spend time alone with me, a date or something. Instant headache. If I could just figure out how to not do it now.

[DrA]

So good to hear I am not the only one experiencing it.  I wonder if the BPD itself causes some physical ailments as well.  Meaning, they just simply can not really handle any level of stress.  So, when they have even small amounts of stress during the day, they become overwhelmed and get headaches, fatigue etc.  I would much rather believe that than to think my wife is lying just to get away from us. 

My wife did a few days of substitute teaching over the past few weeks.  When she was asked to sub for 3 days within a week, you would have thought she would have to work 3 24 hour shifts in a row.  She was cranky, exhausted, demanded everyone to leave her alone, she wasn't about to cook etc.  She also demanded about an our or more of completely alone time in her room when she got home.  I did not dare tell her I work everyday and then often go to my second job at night only to come home and be expected to fold any extra laundry, put away dishes, help with bedtime routines etc. 

Knowing it is true that most spouses of BPD feel the same or deal with the same, helps to not be resentful.

[vortex of confusion]

My husband tends to check out by playing his video games. Yes, he works all day but he has a desk job where he gets to listen to the radio or podcasts all day while doing his work. He comes home and acts like he has built a house or something. It can be a bit irritating because he will get time off work and spend the whole day playing on his computer or sleeping. There are times when the kids look forward to dad going back to work.

I work two part time jobs, homeschool the kids, do the finances, and try to keep the house in some semblance of order. A lot of times, I get home from work in the evening and the kids aren't in bed and they want/need all sorts of stuff. Some nights, I come in and have to referee. It is exhausting. Yet, a lot of days I try to have dinner on the table when he walks in the back door. Some days, the kids and I are at the table waiting for him to sit down and join us. He acts like doing a little bit of laundry and taking care of the kids while I am at work is such a huge friggin' chore. It is maddening that he needs so much down time. Rather than working with me so that we can both get some down time (separate or together), he does his own thing.

[Hmcbart]

I have heard similar complaints from my wife vortex the difference is hers don't hold up under scrutiny. My wife is a stay at home mom who volunteers with the PTO at my youngests school. I work weird hours some days and I'm gone out of town about 2 nights a week.

Today is a good example, my day started at 7:00 am and just finished at 9:30 pm. It's not back breaking labor, I'm white collar. But the mental aspect can drain you some days. The day started and ended almost the same way yesterday except for the fact that my insomnia kicked in and I went to bed at 3:30 am and sleep until 4:30 am. So a 14 hour workday with a hour of sleep makes it a long day.

I'm lucky that I'm in a hotel out of town tonight. If I was home, not matter what kind of day I've had, I'm expected to take care of everything at the house. I usually hear about her headache before I get home if she call to find out what time I'll be in. If not I learn about it as soon as I get home.

If I bring up the fact that I worked 14 hours with 1 hour of sleep it doesn't matter. She was home with the kids all day. They're 12 & 8, she really doesn't do anything because they let me know that she's been upstairs on the couch sleeping or watching tv all day. But can plan ahead enough to cook dinner for them so I get to add it to my list.

But then she will get mad and accuse me of doing nothing around the house if she walks by and sees me on my iPad or watching tv. I am tempted to put cameras up so I can show her how much she actually does.