The 4 Types of Marriage

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been told there are 4 types of marriage:

Hostile:  The couple yells and screams at each other and generally hate each other.  Problems only get worse when they try to solve them.  These couples are almost always miserable.  These couples do not last.

Volatile: These couples blow up at each other, then everything is fine.  then they blow up at each other, then everything is fine.  These couples actually last.  The theory is that they are at least getting there issues out on the table.  They may not resolve the issues, but at least they are discussing them.

Avoidant:  These couples avoid conflict and thus never discuss problems in the relationship.  Because they never discuss problems, they rarely if ever fight.  they are not particularly unhappy, nor are they particularly happy.  These couples tend to last as well.  The bad news is there is no passion (Lust, deep love, romance).  The good news is there is no passion (anger, yelling, cursing etc) 

Validating: These couples discuss there problems and validate what the other one is feeling and saying during the discussion of the problems.  They try to come up with a resolution together. They find out what the other person likes and they try to validate that by doing those things for them.  These couples are the happiest, and they last. 

 

I wonder where BPD relationships are most likely to fall? 


     

[Processing]

I have been told there are 4 types of marriage:

Hostile:  The couple yells and screams at each other and generally hate each other.  Problems only get worse when they try to solve them.  These couples are almost always miserable.  These couples do not last.

Volatile: These couples blow up at each other, then everything is fine.  then they blow up at each other, then everything is fine.  These couples actually last.  The theory is that they are at least getting there issues out on the table.  They may not resolve the issues, but at least they are discussing them.

Avoidant:  These couples avoid conflict and thus never discuss problems in the relationship.  Because they never discuss problems, they rarely if ever fight.  they are not particularly unhappy, nor are they particularly happy.  These couples tend to last as well.  The bad news is there is no passion (Lust, deep love, romance).  The good news is there is no passion (anger, yelling, cursing etc) 

Validating: These couples discuss there problems and validate what the other one is feeling and saying during the discussion of the problems.  They try to come up with a resolution together. They find out what the other person likes and they try to validate that by doing those things for them.  These couples are the happiest, and they last. 

 

I wonder where BPD relationships are most likely to fall? 


     

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[vortex of confusion]

I have been married for 17 years. I think my relationship with my husband has been all of these 4 types at different times. I can look back over the years and see periods when we avoided any and all conflict. Then there were other times when we would go through periods where things were pretty hostile. Hostile is easy to avoid with the use of boundaries. If one person goes to yelling and screaming, the other person can walk away and refuse to participate in in.

And, there have been periods of volatility.

I can look back over history and see where I have set the tone for each of these things. I have been all of these things and, as a result, that is where our relationship went. Something else to keep in mind is that a relationship takes two people. I can be as validating as I want but that isn't going to make the relationship validating. I listened to a podcast one time given by a marriage therapist. He said that things are only as strong as the weakest link because a romantic relationship is made up of TWO people rather than one person trying to do all of the work.

[an0ught]

Most of us have seen their relationship shift from a validating mode to one of the others. When people find the board the relationship is often more on the distressed end of the spectrum of the 3 other types.

There are reason why things shifted that way. Some of them are related to the pwBPD. Some of them are our behavior

 - avoiding conflicts

 - tolerating abusive behavior

 - switching ourselves to invalidating communication

... .

It took time for the relationship to become distressed. It takes time for us to change (see LESSONS) and then for that change to work through and to impact the relationship. We only control one side of the equation.

Where does this get us, what type of relationship we should aim for?

- hostile - no thank you

- avoidant - that often contributed to us getting into the corner in the first place. Walking on eggshells... .

that leaves

 - validating - yeah, obvious the right pick. A partner that went through DBT obviously helps here.

 - volatile - there are some intrinsic aspects in pwBPD and maybe in us too that lead to conflicts. Boundaries are important and a times need to be clarified, shifted and defended. If conflicts are at least addressed in some form then they can't accumulate. And if conflicts stay somewhat civilized then does it matter? Can't have sunshine every day.

[ColdEthyl]

In my marriage to my dBPDh, for us it's been volatile/validating. It might get volatile from time to time, but we always talk about it afterwards so we both understand each other. The major difference though for me is my H is self-aware, so he tries really hard, and that makes me try hard, too.

In my previous marriage, it was avoidant/hostile. I didn't want to talk about our problems anymore because he never wanted to. He was the proverbial ostrich with his head stuck in the sand. I got fed up with trying after years. Then, I got mad. All the time. The man couldn't even talk to me without getting his head bit off. I didn't like who he was as a person anymore.

He wasn't a bad person, but he was the kind of person to avoid anything unpleasant at all. Hide... .stuff it away. I am the opposite kind of person. I like to throw all of the cards on the table, and sort them out with my partner.

[SweetCharlotte]

I guess we go from validating much of the time to volatile when we are under stress (for example, a new health crisis of his), then a period of avoidance when we are licking our wounds, then back to validating for a while and the cycle begins again.

[formflier]

 

Great topic!

First... .avoidant is not bad.  Military guy in me says... .avoid fights you can't win... .or that sap your strength with small chance of success.

This should be a short term strategy... .I suppose there are some things you can just avoid forever... .it depends on consequences.

My r/s has been validating and volatile.  There were periods of hostility.  There are some issues I'm either avoiding... .or appropriately using boundaries  (basically... .not rescuing my wife from her own doing... .)

My gut says BPD r/s are mostly volatile... .because of the changing emotions... .

Processing,

What has this question on your mind?

FF

[waverider]

These types all have frustration and resentment handling as the defining difference. Whether frustration is discussed or vented, getting it out avoids it turning into resentment. Not getting the frustration out by one means or the other leads to resentment, which kills the relationship.

[Processing]

I was wondering as I feel like my marriage vacillates between these as well.  It is funny, when we first learned about these marriage types, I said we were in an avoidant marriage and she said we were in a validating marriage. When I told her I avoid like crazy for fear of her reaction, she assured me she does the same thing.  It is hard because when I try to give my wife feedback about something, she often holds up a mirror and says I do the same thing.  Hard to know if she is right or not. 

[waverider]

I was wondering as I feel like my marriage vacillates between these as well.  It is funny, when we first learned about these marriage types, I said we were in an avoidant marriage and she said we were in a validating marriage. When I told her I avoid like crazy for fear of her reaction, she assured me she does the same thing.  It is hard because when I try to give my wife feedback about something, she often holds up a mirror and says I do the same thing.  Hard to know if she is right or not. 

Thats defensive behavior, by mirroring it she is normalizing it.

Avoidance eventually creates confrontation elsewhere as resentment builds up until it finds a crack