Make a list, read the list over and over.

[Overbeck]

Five things my Borderline ex did to me that are shamefully horrible.

1. She falsely accused me of awful crimes against her that could have put me in jail and ruined my life.

2. She physically and verbally abused me. She did this because she knew I loved her and that I would "tough it out". My desire to help her was a weapon for her to use against me.

3. She was in intimate relationships with other men for years while with me. This put me at a high risk of catching STDs.

4. She lied to me with such consistent frequency that I do not know what things in my life over the last 8 years were real or fake; and she may have forever scarred me from being in a loving, trusting, healthy relationship.

5. Just since February, she has sent me 1,078 (Yes, I did tally them) texts that either insulted me, but also my family---specifically my children.

--- I am a happy person. My life has ups and downs, but I enjoy the good things I have. My Borderline ex is in my head... .but she doesn't rule over me.

We all have problems detaching. I am happy without her, but the pull is still there. Make a list of the awful things your ex did to you and READ IT EVERY DAY!

I do. It helps.

[enlighten me]

Leave plenty of room because over time you remember more and more.

Joking aside this is a very useful tool. I have in the past waivered and reminding myself of her behaviour stops that in its tracks.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Exactly what I have done. It helps one to not have a selective memory.

Overbeck, have you been tested for STDs? I just had a full work up after I figured this whole mess out.

[Overbeck]

Exactly what I have done. It helps one to not have a selective memory.

Overbeck, have you been tested for STDs? I just had a full work up after I figured this whole mess out.

I have been tested for STD's specifically twice in the last year. I am clean.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Excellent, good for you. I am really nervous about receiving my test results on Monday.

[Take2]

I think this is a very good idea... .I find myself back on this website today after some time away because I'm missing my wildly abusive ex... .   the pull to him tends to override common sense.

I will try this suggestion to get thru the rough times of missing him so badly... .

[Madison66]

I've shared my story a number times here about my 3+ year r/s with high functioning uBPD/NPD ex gf.  After I finally left the r/s nearly 19 months ago, I wrote down 18 typed pages of crazy events, chaos, abuse, etc. that allowed myself to endure of the coarse of the r/s.  Almost couldn't believe what I endured and that I stayed in it as long as I did.  I then went back and added how each situation made me fell.  I shared the "diary" with four very close and trusted friends/family.  I can't tell you how important this was for my recovery and detachment, and I never recycled again. 

[Overbeck]

Along with lists, I have a folder with every police report from every incident between her and me. When I feel sympathy for her, I read the reports. I read what she told the police. I remember that if there was not proof that I never harmed her that I very well could have been put in jail.

Make a list and read it EVERY SINGLE DAY!

[Trog]

Five things my Borderline ex did to me that are shamefully horrible.

1. She falsely accused me of awful crimes against her that could have put me in jail and ruined my life.

2. She physically and verbally abused me. She did this because she knew I loved her and that I would "tough it out". My desire to help her was a weapon for her to use against me.

3. She was in intimate relationships with other men for years while with me. This put me at a high risk of catching STDs.

4. She lied to me with such consistent frequency that I do not know what things in my life over the last 8 years were real or fake; and she may have forever scarred me from being in a loving, trusting, healthy relationship.

5. Just since February, she has sent me 1,078 (Yes, I did tally them) texts that either insulted me, but also my family---specifically my children.

--- I am a happy person. My life has ups and downs, but I enjoy the good things I have. My Borderline ex is in my head... .but she doesn't rule over me.

We all have problems detaching. I am happy without her, but the pull is still there. Make a list of the awful things your ex did to you and READ IT EVERY DAY!

I do. It helps.

I have a long list, very long, and for a while it was very useful while I battled the end of my marriage with my weapon of choice; Anger. I say 'weapon of choice' but the truth is, it was my only weapon. I've been wielding it now for 13 months, along with the therapy and the help on here that is really very good advice depending on what stage you are at.

I've been able to trot out many reasons for leaving my ex, as well as using the intellectual arguments to bury my feelings and get over my ex, I've been able to tell my family and friends quite convincingly that I'm ok because, on a practical level, it was never going to work.

However, being in this state of anger has meant I haven't been allowing myself to feel the pain in my indigence. So the truth is I'm devastated at the failure of my marriage, I'm lonely, I can't imagine myself with another woman, on dates I'm going through the motions and I'm quite quite lost. It hurts like fricken hell and I'm in acute emotional pain and pretty listless most of the time. Had I allowed myself to feel the pain and not disassociate  as I disassociated through emotion during the marriage, firstly I may have made a better fist of my marriage instead I hurt myself and at times her too into the bargain. I exacerbated the pain both during and after the breakup by keeping lists and hating my ex. Focusing on that has made a bad situation worse. I'm finally admitting it; I'm gutted my marriage broke down.

For how she treated me, yes, had I been a whole, well person, I wouldn't have fallen for her. But I'm not and I did. As much as I don't want to be and fight against it I do love my wife. I do know it can't work and I know that even if and when all my problems are resolved she still will have a mental illness and that's the most painful thing of all. I can hope to work on and fix myself, if I allow the pain and work through my emotions but I can never fix her. I also can't reach out to her and let her understand I didn't mean all the cruel things I said to her, that it came from my own dysfunction, my own abandonment fears. For sure it was not loves young dream but two really messed up people who found some comfort, for some time and dreamed big that we'd make it to create our own families where our kids didn't face what we did.

But if the ex will not work thru the issues. That is it. But I don't want to advocate making lists of all the heinous crimes because I know for all she hurt me, she was hurt by me too, sometimes on purpose, and sometimes it was imagined, she felt it all the same. It wasn't fair I payed for crimes I didn't commit but it doesn't mean I committed none. I love and miss my ex, something I hadn't dared admit to myself and something I didn't even think was true until a few days ago. I miss her with an incredible intensity that it times it hits me so hard it takes my breath away. I'm really not OK and I wish I'd done so many things differently. But hating and keeping lists I have to say has done nothing at all for my healing except kick it down the road and waste time and attract more pain to me. I know it served me in a way once, but the sooner we can get on to really being honest and feeling the pain and coming out the other side the better, if I carry on hating her I am never going to heal and I'll repeat the same patterns.

[UserName69]

Five things my Borderline ex did to me that are shamefully horrible.

1. She falsely accused me of awful crimes against her that could have put me in jail and ruined my life.

2. She physically and verbally abused me. She did this because she knew I loved her and that I would "tough it out". My desire to help her was a weapon for her to use against me.

3. She was in intimate relationships with other men for years while with me. This put me at a high risk of catching STDs.

4. She lied to me with such consistent frequency that I do not know what things in my life over the last 8 years were real or fake; and she may have forever scarred me from being in a loving, trusting, healthy relationship.

5. Just since February, she has sent me 1,078 (Yes, I did tally them) texts that either insulted me, but also my family---specifically my children.

--- I am a happy person. My life has ups and downs, but I enjoy the good things I have. My Borderline ex is in my head... .but she doesn't rule over me.

We all have problems detaching. I am happy without her, but the pull is still there. Make a list of the awful things your ex did to you and READ IT EVERY DAY!

I do. It helps.

This is true, I don't keep a list but when I decided to move on I always thought about all the negative things she brought up on me. This really works. There is no need to get back to your exBPD. Move on people! They can't be fixed.

I'm glad I don't have to see her anymore, I'm very glad she's out of my life completely. I never liked the relationship for some reason, since day 1 I had a bad feeling about this. Now when she isn't my gf anymore I enjoy things more then we used to be together.

[Trog]

Thinking more on this. I'm at the stage where my list needs to carry less on the worst things she ever did, as that keeps me angry, at my stage, the more important list is why the relationship failed and can never work.

Early Stages and Red Flags - I was 'picked' by my ex. I fell in love, she used to reasoning, warped reasoning to choose me. Early examples of this were phrases like 'if I can't make it work with you, I can't make it work with anyone', that's not a compliment, but I took it as one. Her exes were not quite as mouldable as I was. This wasn't a statement of love, it was a statement on my ability as a deep empath to fulfill her needs. Another example is how 'silly and caring I am towards my dogs', she was watching me with a checklist on our first dates, how empathetic I was, how much mind messing I could take, would I now to suit her world view. I did bow. And she saw I was a perfect partner for her, that I'd compromise things to fit in with her, I was always looking for the good.

Why the relationship can not work: she has a diagnosed mental disorder and refuses to take prescribed medication or go to scheduled therapy. There really isn't a need to create a second example: no matter what efforts or lengths we go to to soothe or improve ourselves or the relationship, if there is no self awareness, if everything is your fault, and being an empath you twist and turn to try to see others point of view, even if they are ridiculous if presented with confidence I would look for the seed of truth, you turn yourself inside out, up is down, reality is warped, and you become even more easy to manipulate, an even better target. She even told me in our break up I was the 'most easily influenced twat' in her rage. Nuff said.

What can I/we do now: understand, fundamentally understand their condition. That they are simply incapable of being an equal part of a loving relationship. That it is because of our own weak boundaries, or predilection toward problem solving and smoothing over that we were 'attractive' to the BPD/NPD/etc. that they will not magically be happy with someone else and truly understand that actions are what matter. My ex is not trying to contact me, and neither me her, but a part of me believes she is desperately unhappy and longing for me. History would show anything but. I know the life of my ex. She moved from ex to ex to lover to shag all the time professing she was still in love with her previous exes. Then when the 'special ex' died, she never even shed a tear. If she is upset it's at loss of an object that enabled her to carry her delusions that she is well and always right on. Now we need to focus on us, it's ok to be really hurt by this, it was a head mess, they took the very best of us (empathy is not a bad thing and often serves us in the rest of the world) and exploited it for their own gain. It was never ever about us. Only her.

My work is to accept why I was ripe for the picking, shore up the boundaries and develop my life as a seperate person so that when I meet my next love, I don't drop my world, in fact I won't even be tempted because I won't find such a person attracted. All my friends and family were repelled by my ex for good reason.