Acknowledge? Or Continue to Ignore?

[lipstick]

Hi Family,

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend so far! 

I am seeking advice / thoughts on an ongoing "event", so to speak. I've mentioned before on other threads how my BPDex is watching my Facebook videos on a daily basis. Yes, I know that it's him. Figured it out on my own through a little FB "sleuthing", then had it confirmed by a mutual friend. Now - we've had no true contact in 2.5 years. One phone call in February of 2013. One Facebook "Friend Request" from him in December of 2013. I didn't accept the request as I was foolishly waiting for some type of communication from him to explain his actions. When I didn't accept - I was blocked from his regular FB account. Now - I do know that he continued to spy on me thru an alternate account that he would activate / deactivate when needed. I've also received sporadic "Private" calls to my home / cell from time to time. But no true communication. End of background.

What I would like opinions / advice on? Would any of you try to reach out to him again? I don't feel like I should at this point. He's been very cruel to me. However, I don't take it personally so much anymore as I know it's the disorder at work. Or would you continue to ignore him? Let him "stew in his own juices", so to speak? I'm inclined to continue with the latter. Our esteemed member "FromHeeltoHeal" told me once that ignoring a Borderline is like sunlight to a vampire!  I liked that.

Please let me add that I've known this man since I was fifteen years old. I am now fifty. The ex is fifty two. A part of me would like to establish communication with him. But another part of me feels a bit smug. I mean - his life can't be as "amazing" and "blessed" as he makes it out to be if he is visiting my page every day, can it?

So what would you do? Try to communicate? Or just let him continue the behavior? As best I can tell - it's been going on since the end of February. Let me be clear - I don't want him back in "that way". I would, however - like for the "Silent Treatment" (by him) to cease. Also - I checked prior to posting this and I am still blocked from his main FB page. Gotta' say - that irritated me.

Thanks as always for your thoughts / advice!   

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey lipstick-

Yes, I remember making that analogy, and it's cool you got some value from my musings.  So to answer your question, it depends what you goals are.  I haven's seen or heard from my ex in over 2 years and maybe won't ever again, totally fine by me, but we didn't have the 35 years of history that you do with your ex, so maybe there's more to it for you.  It seems that after 2 1/2 years you've still got some emotional investment in what's going on with him, case in point you're irritated that you're still blocked on his FB, so what are your goals?  My ex wanted to be 'friends' after I left her, a borderline railing against abandonment, and when I thought about it, we never were friends when we were together, and people who treat me the way she did aren't qualified to be my friend, so sorry sweetheart, gotta go.  So if you're aiming for a platonic friendship with someone you've known a long time, is that possible with him?  And the cyberstalking he's doing with your videos indicates there's attachment there for him still, so what would his motivations be?  More questions than answers, but important questions that need to be answered before you can act definitively.  Take care of you!

[Hadlee]

I actually find it quite sad that he is watching your videos.  Sad that he is unable to make direct contact with you.  I guess he feels safe having the connection to you via the videos instead of risking rejection should he contact you directly.

fromheeltoheal makes some good points - it ultimately comes down to what you would want out of contacting him.  You do certainly have many years of history with him.

After I deleted my pwBPD from Facebook, I received 5 friend requests from fake profiles over a 3 month period, and a friend request on Skype.  Yes, she was behind them all.  I ignored them, so she upped the anti with the last Facebook fake profile - she not only sent me a friend request, but also sent a friend of mine as well.  Crazy stuff. 

I've known my pwBPD for 11 years - was best friends with her for 4.  For me, I would prefer to completely cut her out of my life, however it's impossible as we work for the same company.  So, completely detaching from her is taking longer that I would like, and is harder than I would like.

Just do what's right for you

[lipstick]

Hey lipstick-

Yes, I remember making that analogy, and it's cool you got some value from my musings.  So to answer your question, it depends what you goals are.  I haven's seen or heard from my ex in over 2 years and maybe won't ever again, totally fine by me, but we didn't have the 35 years of history that you do with your ex, so maybe there's more to it for you.  It seems that after 2 1/2 years you've still got some emotional investment in what's going on with him, case in point you're irritated that you're still blocked on his FB, so what are your goals?  My ex wanted to be 'friends' after I left her, a borderline railing against abandonment, and when I thought about it, we never were friends when we were together, and people who treat me the way she did aren't qualified to be my friend, so sorry sweetheart, gotta go.  So if you're aiming for a platonic friendship with someone you've known a long time, is that possible with him?  And the cyberstalking he's doing with your videos indicates there's attachment there for him still, so what would his motivations be?  More questions than answers, but important questions that need to be answered before you can act definitively.  Take care of you!

Hi FHTH,

I don't really know if I have a "goal", at this point. Yes, I was irritated at finding that I'm still blocked. Why? Because I didn't do anything to deserve it. He dumped me, ran away, gave me the ST for over a year - then comes back via a Friend Request. I wait for communication and get blocked instead. And now I find he's creeping my page under some kind of alternate account - yet still keeps me blocked. I feel like I'm boxing in the dark, here.

He is never, ever going to leave his toxic marriage. They've been together (both BPD) for 26 years now with the exception of yours truly. So I would imagine he keeps me blocked so that she doesn't get wind of his continued interest in me. They now share his Facebook page - so she can see everything he does. Also - he can't handle being seen / perceived as the "bad guy" by her family. In his mind they would think he's a scumbag for leaving a 64 year old woman who can't support herself. Even though he was to have divorced when I did.

At this point - after all this time - I just wonder why he can't bring himself to come out of the shadows and talk to me.  I don't want a relationship with him. Or even to have lunch with him!  Just to acknowledge each other and stop pretending that neither exists. I agree that it's obvious he still feels an attachment to me. I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel like the best course of action is to continue ignoring him. But another part of me wants to shut him down. Take the videos away from him. Yet that seems childish to me. Confusion... .and no - he doesn't deserve my friendship. He didn't deserve my love, either. I think he knows that and is ashamed. Yet can't stay away.   :'(

[lipstick]

I actually find it quite sad that he is watching your videos.  Sad that he is unable to make direct contact with you.  I guess he feels safe having the connection to you via the videos instead of risking rejection should he contact you directly.

fromheeltoheal makes some good points - it ultimately comes down to what you would want out of contacting him.  You do certainly have many years of history with him.

After I deleted my pwBPD from Facebook, I received 5 friend requests from fake profiles over a 3 month period, and a friend request on Skype.  Yes, she was behind them all.  I ignored them, so she upped the anti with the last Facebook fake profile - she not only sent me a friend request, but also sent a friend of mine as well.  Crazy stuff. 

I've known my pwBPD for 11 years - was best friends with her for 4.  For me, I would prefer to completely cut her out of my life, however it's impossible as we work for the same company.  So, completely detaching from her is taking longer that I would like, and is harder than I would like.

Just do what's right for you

Hi Hadlee,

Thank you for your input. Yes - it's very sad that he does this. It's also sad that I still have any interest in what he does.   

I have also wondered about the rejection thing myself. Yet he's done it soo many times to me. Can dish it out but can't take it! I also think he wants me to be unsure as to whether or not it's really him doing it. Well - I have definitive evidence that it's him. Plus - I only have 120 FB "Friends". Mostly family. There are a total of (9) videos on my page. All are silly. Not worth watching a second time. Just me playing with my animals. Laughing, making silly voices - just "fluff".  The most views any of them originally received was about 25. Now? One of them is almost at the 400 mark! I'm not that interesting! 

My ex hasn't done any of the extreme antics that some have reported. He's very quiet and sneaky. Passive-aggressive , much?  Sucks that you and your ex work at the same company. I couldn't deal with that. Mine lives two hours away, thank goodness! No chance of running into him anywhere. I don't know. It seems at this point that he doesn't want to have any contact with me other than what he's doing. Perhaps to him - it's not a betrayal of his marriage by doing this? Perhaps he still feels like he's a "good guy" as he's not directly contacting me? The "other woman"? Which I was NOT supposed to be, btw!  Although it can't feel very good to be living a life with one person while secretly keeping tabs on another. I stopped "snooping" on his Facebook page (thru a friend's account) quite some time ago. One of the best things I ever did! Really helped me to drop some of the emotion involved with this. I haven't lost it all. Still care for him in a "friend" way. But I no longer have the gut-wrenching hurt!  Grateful for that!

[Hadlee]

I have also wondered about the rejection thing myself. Yet he's done it soo many times to me. Can dish it out but can't take it! I also think he wants me to be unsure as to whether or not it's really him doing it. Well - I have definitive evidence that it's him. Plus - I only have 120 FB "Friends". Mostly family. There are a total of (9) videos on my page. All are silly. Not worth watching a second time. Just me playing with my animals. Laughing, making silly voices - just "fluff".  The most views any of them originally received was about 25. Now? One of them is almost at the 400 mark! I'm not that interesting! 

Wow!  400 mark?  That's crazy.  It seems he is finding comfort in viewing your videos.  Knowing he is viewing them may still keep you connected to him in a way.  You could make your page private so he is unable to view them.  It just depends how you feel.

Yeah, it's hard being at work with mine.  I can avoid seeing her for the most part, but I find it difficult knowing that she knows exactly what I'm working on.  Reason being... .I work closely with her staff, so she knows what projects they are working on, therefore, knows when I am working with them!  Argh!

I do some pretty swift 'ninja' moves at times when I see her to avoid her seeing me   For anyone watching, I must look rather odd hahaha

As mine has a new shiny platonic toy at work, I don't know if she's keeping tabs on me or is just too busy with the shiny toy.  Mine is passive aggressive as well.  I can only assume that I'm off her radar for now.  But... .I really don't know! 

[lipstick]

I have also wondered about the rejection thing myself. Yet he's done it soo many times to me. Can dish it out but can't take it! I also think he wants me to be unsure as to whether or not it's really him doing it. Well - I have definitive evidence that it's him. Plus - I only have 120 FB "Friends". Mostly family. There are a total of (9) videos on my page. All are silly. Not worth watching a second time. Just me playing with my animals. Laughing, making silly voices - just "fluff".  The most views any of them originally received was about 25. Now? One of them is almost at the 400 mark! I'm not that interesting! 

Wow!  400 mark?  That's crazy.  It seems he is finding comfort in viewing your videos.  Knowing he is viewing them may still keep you connected to him in a way.  You could make your page private so he is unable to view them.  It just depends how you feel.

Yeah, it's hard being at work with mine.  I can avoid seeing her for the most part, but I find it difficult knowing that she knows exactly what I'm working on.  Reason being... .I work closely with her staff, so she knows what projects they are working on, therefore, knows when I am working with them!  Argh!

I do some pretty swift 'ninja' moves at times when I see her to avoid her seeing me   For anyone watching, I must look rather odd hahaha

As mine has a new shiny platonic toy at work, I don't know if she's keeping tabs on me or is just too busy with the shiny toy.  Mine is passive aggressive as well.  I can only assume that I'm off her radar for now.  But... .I really don't know! 

Hadlee,

You made me laugh with the Ninja reference! I would do the same, I assure you. And I would NOT like her knowing what I'm working on!  I would imagine she's keeping tabs on you. Seems to be pretty standard behavior for BPDers !

Yes, 400 views is crazy! A friend and I "tracked" my ex's pattern with the videos when I first discovered it was happening. I followed it for about a week. The friend continued for a while longer. My ex got a new job back in March (chef). The job requires him to be there around 6:00 a.m. as they open for breakfast at 7:00 a.m... .  He lives appx. 15 minutes away from the locale. Every day around 5:40 a.m. to 5:45 a.m. the "view count" on the videos would climb. Meaning someone was viewing them at this time. Then the pattern would repeat again throughout the day (his breaks). My friend noticed the only time that the pattern wasn't the same was on the ex's day off (Monday). Then it was at odd times. So this pattern - along with the mutual friend seeing the ex viewing my page - and some other info I've gotten - tells me that it's him.

I've thought about making the page totally private. Some parts of it are. I don't allow the public to see my new granddaughter, for example. Just family. If I were to be totally honest here, I would say that the reason I don't is because I also like keeping a connection to my ex. I think that's probably why. Which sometimes makes me think I'm as much of a nutter as he is ! 

[jhkbuzz]

Hi FHTH,

I don't really know if I have a "goal", at this point. Yes, I was irritated at finding that I'm still blocked. Why? Because I didn't do anything to deserve it. He dumped me, ran away, gave me the ST for over a year - then comes back via a Friend Request. I wait for communication and get blocked instead. And now I find he's creeping my page under some kind of alternate account - yet still keeps me blocked. I feel like I'm boxing in the dark, here.

The blocking is pretty invalidating, isn't it?  I can relate to your feelings of frustration.  Also to your "boxing in the dark" reference. I sure don't miss the anxiety that came with THAT dance.

At this point - after all this time - I just wonder why he can't bring himself to come out of the shadows and talk to me.  I don't want a relationship with him. Or even to have lunch with him!  Just to acknowledge each other and stop pretending that neither exists. I agree that it's obvious he still feels an attachment to me. I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel like the best course of action is to continue ignoring him. But another part of me wants to shut him down. Take the videos away from him. Yet that seems childish to me. Confusion... .and no - he doesn't deserve my friendship. He didn't deserve my love, either. I think he knows that and is ashamed. Yet can't stay away.   :'(

It seems pretty clear ^ that you also have some mixed and/or residual emotions about him. Even your confusion about what to do is telling. You want to " establish communication with him" (OP)... .you want to ignore him... .you want to punish him (take away the videos). Those are three very different impulses, for sure.  

If I were you, I would change nothing until you are very, very clear about your own emotions and boundaries.

[Hadlee]

I completely understand where you are coming from.  It's validating!   And you are far from being a nutter  Oh there would be no doubt in my mind that he is the one watching those videos.  I do find their pattern fascinating at times.  I'm so curious about EVERYTHING.  Sometimes, it's my downfall.  Have you uploaded any new videos of late?

For you though... .at least you are in control of the situation as you control what he can and cannot see.  The way I see that - it's a good thing

We have office communicator at my work.  I don't really like the thought of knowing my BPD can just look to see when I log on/off, when I'm available, in a meeting, away or offline, but I can't block her on that as it's work.  I just don't allow it to get to me anymore.

Yeah keeping tabs on attachments does seem to be the norm.  She still has all the gifts I've ever given her placed on her desk!  My T referred to it as a 'shrine'... .I find it creepy!  I guess because she's so caught up with the shiny toy at the moment, I thought she may not even bother stalking me anymore      

[lipstick]

Hi jhkbuzz,

Thank you for your input.  Yep, you're right. I stay confused where this man is concerned.  

I've done nothing to this point. Just let things go the way they've gone. Some days I think about it. Some days I don't. Obviously, today is one of those days!  I'll probably just continue to "pretend" I don't know what he's doing. I'm sure the behavior won't go on forever. I guess I was just feeling frustrated that he has been doing this for over three months now and makes no attempt to communicate with me.

And I will also admit that a part of me felt validated in that I was not forgotten by my ex. I think that was what hurt me more than anything - being "erased" as if I didn't exist. When I discovered what he was doing - it actually made me a bit happy! As in "Oh, look. He really DID care. I'm not forgotten!"   Yet as the months have gone on - it has also started to irritate me in that he continues to sneak onto my page, but won't reveal himself or communicate. Crazy stuff!

[lipstick]

I completely understand where you are coming from.  It's validating!   And you are far from being a nutter  Oh there would be no doubt in my mind that he is the one watching those videos.  I do find their pattern fascinating at times.  I'm so curious about EVERYTHING.  Sometimes, it's my downfall.  Have you uploaded any new videos of late?

For you though... .at least you are in control of the situation as you control what he can and cannot see.  The way I see that - it's a good thing

We have office communicator at my work.  I don't really like the thought of knowing my BPD can just look to see when I log on/off, when I'm available, in a meeting, away or offline, but I can't block her on that as it's work.  I just don't allow it to get to me anymore.

Yeah keeping tabs on attachments does seem to be the norm.  She still has all the gifts I've ever given her placed on her desk!  My T referred to it as a 'shrine'... .I find it creepy!  I guess because she's so caught up with the shiny toy at the moment, I thought she may not even bother stalking me anymore      

Hadlee,

No - haven't posted any new videos. My friends want me to. They think it's a form of "torture" for the ex and they're all for it!   

I'm not surprised your ex still has all your gifts. It's a "connection".  Mine treasures the few things that I gave him. Has actually taken pictures of them and posted to Facebook. Talked about how they were his "favorites". 

Yes, she'll continue to keep tabs on you regardless of the "new shiny". They work so hard at acting like we don't exist, don't they? When their actions say otherwise.

[Hadlee]

It would be very interesting to see how many views you get on a new video  

Another work friend and myself are going on an overseas holiday in a couple of months time.  My friend is friends with the BPD on Facebook.  We have full intentions of uploading videos of our trip.  I'll poop myself if there are a high number of views  I'll let you know if there is and we can compare notes

Oh and yes... .she's acting like I don't exist as the moment!

[jhkbuzz]

Hi jhkbuzz,

Thank you for your input.  Yep, you're right. I stay confused where this man is concerned.  

I've done nothing to this point. Just let things go the way they've gone. Some days I think about it. Some days I don't. Obviously, today is one of those days!  I'll probably just continue to "pretend" I don't know what he's doing. I'm sure the behavior won't go on forever. I guess I was just feeling frustrated that he has been doing this for over three months now and makes no attempt to communicate with me.

And I will also admit that a part of me felt validated in that I was not forgotten by my ex. I think that was what hurt me more than anything - being "erased" as if I didn't exist. When I discovered what he was doing - it actually made me a bit happy! As in "Oh, look. He really DID care. I'm not forgotten!"   Yet as the months have gone on - it has also started to irritate me in that he continues to sneak onto my page, but won't reveal himself or communicate. Crazy stuff!

I understand ALL of that ^ - and I would also find it initially validating.  In some ways, I view your situation as the "best of both worlds." You've been validated (he still thinks about you) but you don't have to interact with the crazy-making behaviors.

Why do you want him to contact you?  Try to get very clear about that... .is it because you miss him? Think things have changed? Need more validation?  What would you gain by two-way communication?

BTW, I sometimes think about communicating with my ex... .and because I'm in a similar space as you (conflicting emotions depending on the day), I keep my distance.

[lipstick]

Hi jhkbuzz,

Thank you for your input.  Yep, you're right. I stay confused where this man is concerned.  

I've done nothing to this point. Just let things go the way they've gone. Some days I think about it. Some days I don't. Obviously, today is one of those days!  I'll probably just continue to "pretend" I don't know what he's doing. I'm sure the behavior won't go on forever. I guess I was just feeling frustrated that he has been doing this for over three months now and makes no attempt to communicate with me.

And I will also admit that a part of me felt validated in that I was not forgotten by my ex. I think that was what hurt me more than anything - being "erased" as if I didn't exist. When I discovered what he was doing - it actually made me a bit happy! As in "Oh, look. He really DID care. I'm not forgotten!"   Yet as the months have gone on - it has also started to irritate me in that he continues to sneak onto my page, but won't reveal himself or communicate. Crazy stuff!

I understand ALL of that ^ - and I would also find it initially validating.  In some ways, I view your situation as the "best of both worlds." You've been validated (he still thinks about you) but you don't have to interact with the crazy-making behaviors.

Why do you want him to contact you?  Try to get very clear about that... .is it because you miss him? Think things have changed? Need more validation?  What would you gain by two-way communication?

BTW, I sometimes think about communicating with my ex... .and because I'm in a similar space as you (conflicting emotions depending on the day), I keep my distance.

jhkbuzz,

Why do I want him to contact me? Because he is one of the few people I have left from my youth. We were high school "sweethearts". That's part of it. Another part is my wounded vanity. Or ego, if you will. I was dumped for an abusive, alcoholic, disordered nightmare of a woman. That's very hard to accept (for me, anyway).

I have been told by other members on this forum that I was dumped because I actually meant MORE to my ex than she did. I didn't see it that way. I saw it as she won and I lost. I lost to that nightmare. As time has gone on - I've begun to realize that the other members were right. My ex couldn't handle his feelings for me. He was actually in love with me and it was too much. He had to run back to what was safe and "comfortable" (to him). A world of dysfunction, abuse, chaos and alcohol. A world I would not have survived in. So now he shamefully (I'm assuming) visits my FB page in order to hear my voice and my laughter (which he loved).

I'm rambling. Sorry. I want contact because he and I aren't getting any younger. He is an important part of my past. Was supposed to be part of my future. Life is getting shorter for us and I hate these shadow games. Just own what you did. I've accepted my part in the whole thing. Own it and let's stop ignoring each other. No expectations. Just no more frigging Silent Treatment!

[lipstick]

It would be very interesting to see how many views you get on a new video  

Another work friend and myself are going on an overseas holiday in a couple of months time.  My friend is friends with the BPD on Facebook.  We have full intentions of uploading videos of our trip.  I'll poop myself if there are a high number of views  I'll let you know if there is and we can compare notes

Oh and yes... .she's acting like I don't exist as the moment!

Hadlee,

Make sure that the videos are set to "Public" or the view counter won't run. I would bet you a doughnut that the "views" will climb long after the video(s) have dropped off of the Newsfeed. I gave mine approximately (3) days before I started to watch the count.

And I would be very interested to know if you experience this same phenomenon. While we've been posting - one of the videos got (4) "views". Another got (3). Another got (2). Occurring during what would be his "down" or "break" times.   

[fromheeltoheal]

At this point - after all this time - I just wonder why he can't bring himself to come out of the shadows and talk to me.  I don't want a relationship with him. Or even to have lunch with him!  Just to acknowledge each other and stop pretending that neither exists. I agree that it's obvious he still feels an attachment to me. I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel like the best course of action is to continue ignoring him. But another part of me wants to shut him down. Take the videos away from him. Yet that seems childish to me. Confusion... .and no - he doesn't deserve my friendship. He didn't deserve my love, either. I think he knows that and is ashamed. Yet can't stay away.   :'(

I just don't know what to do at this point.

A real decision has power, and will make you feel better.  If you look at the roots of the words, incision means to cut into, while decision means to cut off, meaning to cut off any other possibility.  You can't control him, you can only control what you make it mean, and it's not really him that is getting to you currently, it's his Facebook behavior.  You say making the videos unavailable to him seems childish to you, but what else could you make it mean?  Self preservation, removing negative influences from you life, cleaning up your past so you can move forward, lots of choices.  And it doesn't sound like you care if someone who doesn't deserve your friendship or love thinks you're childish for doing it, which is as it should be, and a borderline would just interpret it as more abandonment, but what does that matter if you're focusing solely on what's best for you?

Apparently my ex started a new business, and I got a spam email advertising it a while ago, guess she put me on a mass distribution list.  I saw her name pop up in my inbox, went to the email, clicked the unsubscribe button, and was done with it, and I never once wondered what she thought of that, it's none of my business and I was acting solely on my own behalf, which is as it should be when a relationship is over.

Ever notice how sometimes we can get stuck in a timeframe?  I had a parent die, another parent and a sibling move away, and my dogs died, all in a period of a few years, and I found myself pining for the old days, old memories were taking a lot of focus and energy, things we used to do and places we used to go seemed inordinately valuable for a while.  It was a good nostalgia buzz, but after a while I realized this undue focus on the past was preventing me from having an empowered future, like it was all over and I was just waiting around to die, and I'm only in my 50's.  So that ran it's course, and once I realized I was stuck, I shifted my focus to the future intentionally, which didn't feel good at first, there was nothing there, but eventually a vision for a bright future emerged and I'm inspired again.  None of that is wrong or bad, just phases we go through, and the past, present and future are all important, the most important being finding a balance between them so we notice when an imbalance shows up for a while.  Any of that speak to you?

[Hadlee]

Hadlee,

Make sure that the videos are set to "Public" or the view counter won't run. I would bet you a doughnut that the "views" will climb long after the video(s) have dropped off of the Newsfeed. I gave mine approximately (3) days before I started to watch the count.

And I would be very interested to know if you experience this same phenomenon. While we've been posting - one of the videos got (4) "views". Another got (3). Another got (2). Occurring during what would be his "down" or "break" times.   

I didn't realize they had to be set to public.  Will remember that.

Hmmmm interesting number of views you have there

[lipstick]

FHTH,

Your words sting a bit - but the truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to, right?      I do believe that I've been stuck in that "timeframe", if you will. It was really hard accepting that I wasn't good enough for my ex. That he preferred a violent alcoholic to me. He dumped me without a second glance and ran back to his "comfortable" life. Ignored me from that point forward. It was hard accepting that my dream of a life with him was over. I gave up a 17 year marriage and all my security as I believed this man's lies. All the blame is not on him, however. There were plenty of red flags. I just chose to ignore them. And I was very trusting back then.

For the two years following the discard - I was in a kind of limbo. Barely functioning. I slowly put my life back together. Moved back to my hometown. Got a new job. But basically all I did was work and come home. In the past six months - things have begun shifting. I'm happier. Finding pleasure in the "little things" again. Still hurt - and still unable to comprehend how my ex just erased me. But feeling much better.

I don't think I can bring myself to shut down the FB nonsense. It's like even after all the mean crap he's done to me - I can't return the favor. I know you say it's about doing what's right for me. And perhaps I'll get pi$$ed one day and shut him out. I have a tendency to do that. Go along for a while. Okay with what is going on. Then suddenly - BOOM! I'll get sick of it and that's that.

So maybe the "phase" is passing, finally. I stopped looking at his FB page (thru a friend's account) quite some time ago. Actually decided (!) that I was done with being hurt each time I looked. Have no desire to go there ever again. I'm happy about that. Perhaps the rest just comes with time?

Thank you for your thoughtful comments on my situation. It is much appreciated as always! 

[fromheeltoheal]

You're welcome lipstick.  It just occurred to me, again, why I like bpdfamily a lot more than Facebook: this place is moderated, we all have that one specific thing in common, and the pain and upheaval that comes with a relationship with a borderline 'encourages' us to get real.  So refreshing, where to me Facebook is such bullsht.  Anyway, hope my version of the truth didn't sting too much, and ending a 17 year marriage to end up with a borderline seems so unfair, as does what I went through, but what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What if we're entering the best parts of our lives, and they wouldn't have been possible without going through some 'lessons' that apparently whoever's running this show thought we needed?  I'm running with that because it gives me hope, and then we get to realize hope is great but ultimately powerless, the next steps include designing a vision for our bright future and then setting about creating it.  And when we do that with total commitment, the past just loses its power.  You'll change the FB thing when you change it, and it's beneficial for all of us to intentionally focus on where we're going and what it looks like, and that focus shift has a way of changing what things mean and how much they matter.  Take care of you!

[lipstick]

Thank you, FHTH. Same to you!      Take care !

[jhkbuzz]

Why do I want him to contact me? Because he is one of the few people I have left from my youth. We were high school "sweethearts". That's part of it. Another part is my wounded vanity. Or ego, if you will. I was dumped for an abusive, alcoholic, disordered nightmare of a woman. That's very hard to accept (for me, anyway).

Wait, I'm confused... .isn't that woman his wife?

I have been told by other members on this forum that I was dumped because I actually meant MORE to my ex than she did. I didn't see it that way. I saw it as she won and I lost. I lost to that nightmare. As time has gone on - I've begun to realize that the other members were right. My ex couldn't handle his feelings for me. He was actually in love with me and it was too much. He had to run back to what was safe and "comfortable" (to him). A world of dysfunction, abuse, chaos and alcohol. A world I would not have survived in. So now he shamefully (I'm assuming) visits my FB page in order to hear my voice and my laughter (which he loved).

I'm rambling. Sorry. I want contact because he and I aren't getting any younger. He is an important part of my past. Was supposed to be part of my future. Life is getting shorter for us and I hate these shadow games. Just own what you did. I've accepted my part in the whole thing. Own it and let's stop ignoring each other. No expectations. Just no more frigging Silent Treatment!

Honest assessment? You still have unresolved feelings for this man... .and there's a combination of anger, jealousy and love in the mix. I can only echo what I said earlier: until you have a handle on your own emotions, I'd proceed with caution.

[BorisAcusio]

I will echo what other's suggested. You're going to get hurt by this interaction with all certainty. Let him go.

[RedDove]

Hi Lipstick, I'm sorry you are going through this and struggling about what to do and what's right for you. I don't know if you recall, but we've chatted here in the past and have similiar stories with our ex BPD bf's. I knew mine back in high school 30 years ago as well. He dated my sister. He actually tried to beak up with her a week prior to her prom. In the end she made him fulfill his obligation. The next day she was driving and saw him walking down the street with his ex. In retrospect I wish I had seen it as his true character vs. him just being and acting like a teenage boy.

I ended my 4 year encounter with him a year ago when I confronted him about all the lies, deceit and cheating I finally unraveled. I blocked him everywhere. A few months later I then joined a dating site and he began emailing me. I shut down the idealization and recycle attempt and blocked him. I was working on me, my FOO and co dependcy issues.

In Dec of last year my Dad had a heart attack. My ex BPD bf found out through a mutual friend. He began contacting me again via text. I was laid off from my job and had to purchase a new personal cell. At this point many months had passed and I didn't have his number in my contacts and never thought to block him. He started with compassionate supportive text messages concerning my Dad. This went on for several months during my Dad's health issues and subsequent surgery this past March. My Dad is doing well now and fully recovered.

In April my ex bod bf asked me to dinner. He knew I was stressed and scared (and vulnerable) about my Dad's situation. I met him for lunch instead. He asked about how my Dad and I were doing "once". He then proceeded to dump a boatload of bad online dating stories on me. I excuses myself to the ladies room. I came back and didn't let him get another word in before I launched into a successful online daring story. He immediately said it was time to go.

In May he texted that he had some of my things in his trailer. He was planning to move feom our home town and sell the trailer. Told me he wanted me to have my stuff back. We arranged for me to stop by one night. I walked into the trailer and there where candles lit, vodka and juice (his drink of choice, not mine) chilling in an ice bucket, and our music playing. I was in shock. Luckily I had reached acceptance of his disorder and indifference to his idealization through charm and manipulation. I told him I didn't want a drink. We sat and chatted for a bit.

He showed me the stuff I had supposedly left. It was actually a candle and romantic cards. Items he gave to me as gifts that I had returned when I broke up with him the first time 2.5 years ago. Not the bracelet I had left in the trailer, which was a bday gift from My best friend. I had asked for it on several occassions.

He put his arms around me to hug me, but he started kissing me. I felt nothing. It wasn't the person I used to know. The kiss didn't feel familiar, nor right. I pushed away, thanked him for my stuff, and told him I was meeting a friend and had to go.

I sent a text thanking him for returning my "supposed" items. I have not heard from him since. I obviously triggered his abandonment fears all over again. I feel badly that he's so unstable and his disorder causes him so much shame, guilt, and pain.

But I can share with you the lesson I recently learned in hopes it will help you. I wish I had "ignored" his contact. I wish I never allowed him back into my thoughts or my heart. I am now once again deeply and emotionally affected by seeing him. Experiencing the push/pull, being given the silent treatment and/or him dysregulating and painting me black all over again.

I knew not to poke the BPD bear, or let him out of his cage again. But I did... .I honestly needed the validation too... .to know he still cared about me. I also wanted to see if a friendship was possible. Especially considering our long history. But I got chewed up by the BPD bear and spat out. The disorder always wins. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

[lipstick]

Hi RedDove,

I remember you. Nice to hear that your father is doing well!  Thank you for sharing the story of your BPDex.

In my situation - the ex makes no effort to contact me. And after all this time - I've pretty much given up thinking that he will. He watches my Facebook videos on a daily basis - but doesn't try to establish any type of communication. It's annoying, but I've decided to just let it ride for now. I figure he'll stop eventually.

So I don't worry about being played again. He's had 2.5 years to try and make amends for what he did. I'm sorry you were put through the emotional wringer again. It sux.

I did feel validated when I discovered he was watching my FB videos. I figured life couldn't be as "amazing" and "comfortable" and "blessed" as he claims it is if he still has an interest in me. 

[lipstick]

Well - I did it. I got angry and took down the videos. He's got no right to see them or hear my voice when he continues to pretend I don't exist to the rest of the world.

Did I do the right thing? Gosh, I hope so. He's hurt me enough. I kind of hope this stings him just a tiny bit... .

[enlighten me]

Hi lipstick

I wouldnt think of them blocking you as punishmwnt  I look at it as hiding. I blocked my ex wife and it wasnt to punish her it was to hide from her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well - I did it. I got angry and took down the videos. He's got no right to see them or hear my voice when he continues to pretend I don't exist to the rest of the world.

Did I do the right thing? Gosh, I hope so. He's hurt me enough. I kind of hope this stings him just a tiny bit... .

Good for you lipstick, decisive action!

Did I do the right thing?

In the sense that it was weighing on you, yes, you did the right thing for you.  There's what happens and what we make it mean: what you made it mean is he was taking something from you he had no right to, it was pissing you off, along with the hurt underneath the anger.  Another choice would be to make it mean look what a coward that guy is, how ridiculous, in a relationship with a real piece of work and he's pining for me on Facebook.  What a loser.  Doesn't matter, what you made it mean was upsetting you so you fixed it, and that's a good thing.

So now that that's done, you can acknowledge you're still angry at him and a little revenge feels good, yes?  There are 5 stages of grieving, anger being one, acceptance being the final one, the order can change and we can flip-flop between them at times, and here's an opportunity to see where you are and where you're going with that, now that this video thingy is behind us.  What's next for you?

[lipstick]

Well - I did it. I got angry and took down the videos. He's got no right to see them or hear my voice when he continues to pretend I don't exist to the rest of the world.

Did I do the right thing? Gosh, I hope so. He's hurt me enough. I kind of hope this stings him just a tiny bit... .

Good for you lipstick, decisive action!

Did I do the right thing?

In the sense that it was weighing on you, yes, you did the right thing for you.  There's what happens and what we make it mean: what you made it mean is he was taking something from you he had no right to, it was pissing you off, along with the hurt underneath the anger.  Another choice would be to make it mean look what a coward that guy is, how ridiculous, in a relationship with a real piece of work and he's pining for me on Facebook.  What a loser.  Doesn't matter, what you made it mean was upsetting you so you fixed it, and that's a good thing.

So now that that's done, you can acknowledge you're still angry at him and a little revenge feels good, yes?  There are 5 stages of grieving, anger being one, acceptance being the final one, the order can change and we can flip-flop between them at times, and here's an opportunity to see where you are and where you're going with that, now that this video thingy is behind us.  What's next for you?

HI Fhth,

I don't know what's next . Too busy being angry right now. I do hope this hurts him just a tiny bit. Small of me... .but whatever.  To pretend that I don't exist and deny what happened just really ticks me off. After over two years... .guess I'm a slow learner. But he can shove his "comfortable "  life where it won't be comfortable!   

[fromheeltoheal]

Well - I did it. I got angry and took down the videos. He's got no right to see them or hear my voice when he continues to pretend I don't exist to the rest of the world.

Did I do the right thing? Gosh, I hope so. He's hurt me enough. I kind of hope this stings him just a tiny bit... .

Good for you lipstick, decisive action!

Did I do the right thing?

In the sense that it was weighing on you, yes, you did the right thing for you.  There's what happens and what we make it mean: what you made it mean is he was taking something from you he had no right to, it was pissing you off, along with the hurt underneath the anger.  Another choice would be to make it mean look what a coward that guy is, how ridiculous, in a relationship with a real piece of work and he's pining for me on Facebook.  What a loser.  Doesn't matter, what you made it mean was upsetting you so you fixed it, and that's a good thing.

So now that that's done, you can acknowledge you're still angry at him and a little revenge feels good, yes?  There are 5 stages of grieving, anger being one, acceptance being the final one, the order can change and we can flip-flop between them at times, and here's an opportunity to see where you are and where you're going with that, now that this video thingy is behind us.  What's next for you?

HI Fhth,

I don't know what's next . Too busy being angry right now. I do hope this hurts him just a tiny bit. Small of me... .but whatever.  To pretend that I don't exist and deny what happened just really ticks me off. After over two years... .guess I'm a slow learner. But he can shove his "comfortable "  life where it won't be comfortable!   

Not small at all, it's a phase, and I wanted to kill my ex at one point, and if not that, have her feel as much pain as possible.  I totally get the anger and desire for revenge, normal responses to abuse, disrespect and all the other stuff we put up with.  It will pass though, and there's really no way to speed it up, but it is helpful to focus on the future and what's next, the light at the end of the tunnel, to have something to aim for.

[lipstick]

FHTH,

Is is really possible to hurt them? I just don't think so with my ex. This might sting him just a tiny bit - but he skates through life with no consequences for the damage he's done. Acts like life is just awesome.

Grrrrr... .