Lying About Medical Problems

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For those who have caught the exBPD lying about having medical problems, how did you find out? Just curious.

I'm having a real struggle with this. I know in my heart that my exBPD has been lying to me but being that I live Long Distance, I don't have a lot of proof. Really just one concrete example.

My struggle is of course feeling bad that if she was sick and had her so-called surgery at the end of our relationship, I was not empathetic and there for her.

But again, nothing has made sense and just hasn't added up.

[WhatJustHappened?]

For those who have caught the exBPD lying about having medical problems, how did you find out? Just curious.

I'm having a real struggle with this. I know in my heart that my exBPD has been lying to me but being that I live Long Distance, I don't have a lot of proof. Really just one concrete example.

My struggle is of course feeling bad that if she was sick and had her so-called surgery at the end of our relationship, I was not empathetic and there for her.

But again, nothing has made sense and just hasn't added up.

[enlighten me]

During the divorce when I cited her bi polar and ME as grounds for her not to move the childrenaway from a support network. When her medical records came yhrough she hadnt been diagnosed with either. I had spent three yeats caring for her as she was alledgedly bed ridden due to the ME.

[valet]

This is interesting.

My ex claimed that she slipped a disk and had sporadic back problems for the past few years, but it always seemed weird to me that it didn't limit her at all. She's 24, and no one in her family ever showed any concern when she would complain to me about back pain.

Also, interestingly enough, when she began to devalue me she almost seemed to forget about it. Then she just constantly had a stomach ache, or was feeling generally sick. This also seemed to happen when I wanted her to do something with me, or to go and hang out with my friends. As my desire to be independent grew, her complaining via these sudden ghost illnesses intensified. They kept me from doing things and fully enjoying my nights out, cause I would constantly limit my time with others to take care of her.

If I was sick, had pulled a muscle or whatever, was feelings anxious, etc, I mainly got a 'No you're not!' kind of response.

Was she lying? Who knows, but definitely a weird thought.

[once removed]

i dealt with a fair amount of this. reading this was both a   and a  moment for me:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

"The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too."

[RedDove]

Valet, Wow! I could have written something very similar about my ex BPD bf.

Whenever I tried to make plans with him, ailments would all the sudden pop up: hurt his back, had a herniated disc, no, wait, might need a hip replacement, or was it the other way around, oh my, I forget! Got food poisoning. Slipped on ice and hurt his back, stomach ache, a bad head cold. MRSA infections... .well that one was real. How do I know? Cause I contracted MRSA from him. It even extended to excuses about sick family members!

He had two knee replacements while we were together. Both times he lied about his surgery dates. How do I know? Cause I showed up after the first surgery to visit him. He texted that very morning that the ortho surgeon had an opening for the knee replacement surgery.

He texted later in the afternoon that he wasn't up for visitors. I went anyway, thinking he was all alone in a hospital room. Duh! I showed up and found another woman sitting at his bedside stroking his arm. I was in shock! My Fight or flight instinct kicked in... .I asked how the surgery went "today", he corrected me and said I was confused, the surgery was the day before. Funny how text messages are time/date stamped!

I got outta there and texted him to never contact me again. He texted back that the woman sitting on the bedside was an "ex" who still had feelings. Really? How the heck did she know he was in the hospital if he wasn't in contact with her? I found the answer a year later. He texted back that I was "selfish" to put my feelings before his health. I was astounded. I didn't know he suffered from BPD at the time.

He waited until I left on a business trip and 3,000 miles away to text me a photo of him in a hospital gown laying in a hospital bed with the message: don't be mad at me, I had my knee surgery today, didn't want to stress you before your trip! This was after me repeatedly asking him for weeks when the surgery was being scheduled so I could ensure I wasnt traveling. I also work in the medical field. They don't schedule surgery at the last minute! There are pre-op tests needed and there's always a long case load of patients waiting for surgery.

You can call the hospital Patient information line to verify if someone is actually in the hospital or ER. I did this with my ex BPD bf. They are only allowed to tell you a brief status, like the patient is doing well. However, most will offer to transfer you to the patients room. They will tell you if they "do not" have a patient by that name in the system. With the ER, I called and said I was his sister, that he left me an urgent voicemail to come, but I couldn't understand the name of the hospital. I aslso said I was scared and worried about my brother. Both times I was told there was no patient by "that name" in the ER.

[WhatJustHappened?]

That's exactly what I did. I called Hospital, they had no record of ex being admitted. Funny how that works.

[m-and-m]

Wow... .I can relate with all of you, i have yet to come across a thread like this!

Well, my ex always had something going on as well... .I even caught her shoving her fingers down her throat to make herself puke. She claimed to have epilepsy... .I was always leery of this claim. See she would only have a "seizure" when we were either arguing and i made valid points, or if i wanted to do something and wanted her to join me. Here is why I never believed her about that... .1: I had caught her in too many lies. 2: It was all so convenient 3: what type of woman in her 30's (who claims epilepsy) doesnt seek treatment for such a thing? We were together for 5 years and not once did she see a Dr about this or take meds. She always claimed to have a disc from a Dr in another state with pictures of her brain and "misfires". Always told me she would show me... .But never did. Also would remember everything that went on during said seizures.

as far as evidence goes, I put 2 and 2 together. After a few talks with her sister about other ailments and how she either exaggerated them or never had that... .it just lined up.

Best of luck OP with what your looking for... .but if i were you, I would focus on something more productive... .for your sake. 

[SummerStorm]

Mine casually told me not long after I met her that she has lupus and is on medication.  A few weeks later, she said she has Raynaud's.  Interestingly enough, neither was ever mentioned again.  When she spent the night at my house, the only medicines she had were sleeping pills and anti-depressants. 

Along with this, she would frequently cancel plans with me and others and call off work because she was "sick."  When I would call her out on it or doubt her, she would get defensive and somehow find a way to blame me for not being understanding.   

[bjm]

My ex claimed she had pancreatitis, and she would lay in bed for weeks at a time without eating, yet she would not allow me to take her to the hospital.  When I would walk away she would call and say it is so bad that she has to get surgery.  Then as she reeled me back in, miraculously there would be no surgery and she would be better.  She would always claim to be throwing up all day, yet I never saw her throw up once.

She would tell me she was going to the DR and that they were running tests, but I never believed this to be true.  It was the strangest thing.

She then went on to tell me that her sister developed cancer, which I do not believe to be true either.  She had these long involved stories about her cancer.  It was very strange.

FYI, I did find a significant amount of drugs in my home, which leads me to believe maybe it was a drug issue.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

The health issues were absolutely endless... .

Almost as many health issues as there were lies (and there were a darn lot of lies!).

[search4peace]

There were many minor ailments... .muscle aches, gastro-intestinal distress, food-sensitivities, phantom colds, etc. I'm not sure I would qualify it as lying, as I suspect she herself believed in what she was saying.

The most dramatic was her delusion that she was developing some form of blood cancer that was caused by the installation of spray-foam insulation in her attic.  A slightly low platelet count (albeit hovering near the normal range for her age) was enough to convince her it was real... .so this triggered consultations with blood pathologists, oncologists, and homeopaths - she even had a bone-marrow sample taken which yielded nothing conclusive, and her platelet count returned to normal in 6mo. That didn't stop her from stating that she was in the fight of her life and that she would probably have to move out of her house immediately.  There were no facts to support this notion... only her feelings and fears.  I of course was pegged as the uncaring, non-empathetic boyfriend who she should have been able to count on for support.  

Madness... .and yet I stayed.

[Hopeless777]

There were many minor ailments... .muscle aches, gastro-intestinal distress, food-sensitivities, phantom colds, etc. I'm not sure I would qualify it as lying, as I suspect she herself believed in what she was saying.

The most dramatic was her delusion that she was developing some form of blood cancer that was caused by the installation of spray-foam insulation in her attic.  A slightly low platelet count (albeit hovering near the normal range for her age) was enough to convince her it was real... .so this triggered consultations with blood pathologists, oncologists, and homeopaths - she even had a bone-marrow sample taken which yielded nothing conclusive, and her platelet count returned to normal in 6mo. That didn't stop her from stating that she was in the fight of her life and that she would probably have to move out of her house immediately.  There were no facts to support this notion... only her feelings and fears.  I of course was pegged as the uncaring, non-empathetic boyfriend who she should have been able to count on for support.  

Madness... .and yet I stayed.

The last  20 years it was:

Back and neck pain

Hypothyroidism

Pelvic pain

Meniere's Disease

Multiple Sclerosis

Stomach cancer (actually a cured ulcer)

Heart palpitations and pain

Myalgia

It went on forever. Emergency room visits, spinal taps, medications, etc.

It's still going on but I left over a year ago. Couldn't take it anymore. It's been the worst. But now I don't need to hear about it.

[Beach_Babe]

Whenever I tried to make plans with him, ailments would all the sudden pop up: hurt his back, had a herniated disc, no, wait, might need a hip replacement, or was it the other way around, oh my, I forget! Got food poisoning. Slipped on ice and hurt his back, stomach ache, a bad head cold. MRSA infections... .well that one was real. How do I know? Cause I contracted MRSA from him. It even extended to excuses about sick family member

I think we dated the same person.    ailments which popped up the week before every planned trip (and necessitated a cancel) included:

Corneal infection

Detached retina

Blindness

Avian flu

Hypothyroidism

5 sprained/twisted ankles

Kidney failure

Male premenstrual syndrome

Lupus

Fibromyalgia

Broken testicle

Ect Ect Ect

[Beach_Babe]

Along with this, she would frequently cancel plans with me and others and call off work because she was "sick."  When I would call her out on it or doubt her, she would get defensive and somehow find a way to blame me for not being understanding.   

Yes! Same here.  Thank  you for mentioning this.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

So many of us, myself included, have felt so very hurt by the b/u of our r/s's.   But as I read these lists of ailments,  I wonder why I think I want this r/s back.   There were so many moments of unavailability b/c of one medical problem or another.  Including chronic,  severe lateness which was infuriating.   Why sign on for a lifetime of that?   That alone was bad enough.   Add to it the ongoing emotional abuse and rage,  and I know I dodged a bullet.

[Hadlee]

There were many minor ailments... .muscle aches, gastro-intestinal distress, food-sensitivities, phantom colds, etc. I'm not sure I would qualify it as lying, as I suspect she herself believed in what she was saying.

Exactly that ^^^

Plus... .I have never in my life known anyone to have the 'flu' so often, a sickly stomach (she often referred to it as "toilet issues" ), headaches and fatigue. 

[Gonzalo]

There were many minor ailments... .muscle aches, gastro-intestinal distress, food-sensitivities, phantom colds, etc. I'm not sure I would qualify it as lying, as I suspect she herself believed in what she was saying.

Mine had a lot of this - I'd come home and she'd be 'so sick' that me flopping down on the couch next to her too hard was painful. If we wanted to do something together, she would often feel too bad to do it, or do it in spite of feeling bad then act like a martyr and make us cut it short. 'Oddly,' she didn't usually get sick before things she really wanted to do, but at the same time she did have some real medical conditions (with prescriptions based off of blood test numbers, not anything fakeable), so it was a mess to tell what was really going on.

It also worked as a great manipulation tool. At one point when I complained that she never seemed to actually want to have sex with me anymore, she told me both that I was being unrealistic (life gets in the way sometimes, but 'once every week or two' when you live together?) and that I wasn't initiating enough. That just because she told me she was so sick she felt like she was going to vomit if I laid down next to her or that she had a splitting headache and couldn't stand to talk, I  should still try to initiate sex and if I didn't it meant that we weren't having sex by my choice. I wonder if deep down she knew that it was mostly psychosomatic.

Weirdly, this is a contagious condition. By the end I started having fake 'colds' just so that I could get a day of peace - if I was sick, it triggered a caretaker thing in her, and I knew I wouldn't get shouted at that day.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

You make a good point,  Gonzalo,  that this behavior happens b/c it works.   It gets sympathy,  support, and/or a way to avoid doing certain things.   Indeed, objecting to what appears to be a legitimate illness is very hard.   How does one fight against Lupus, brain tumors,  ME,, etc.?  I never thought of this before now but it feels like gaslighting as we are left questioning/doubting our thoughts, perceptions,  realities.   

[SummerStorm]

There were many minor ailments... .muscle aches, gastro-intestinal distress, food-sensitivities, phantom colds, etc. I'm not sure I would qualify it as lying, as I suspect she herself believed in what she was saying.

'Oddly,' she didn't usually get sick before things she really wanted to do, but at the same time she did have some real medical conditions (with prescriptions based off of blood test numbers, not anything fakeable), so it was a mess to tell what was really going on.

It also worked as a great manipulation tool. At one point when I complained that she never seemed to actually want to have sex with me anymore, she told me both that I was being unrealistic (life gets in the way sometimes, but 'once every week or two' when you live together?) and that I wasn't initiating enough. That just because she told me she was so sick she felt like she was going to vomit if I laid down next to her or that she had a splitting headache and couldn't stand to talk, I  should still try to initiate sex and if I didn't it meant that we weren't having sex by my choice. I wonder if deep down she knew that it was mostly psychosomatic.

Mine once told me that many of her relationships ended because "lust fizzles out quickly."  This was months after she told me that she would have sex every three hours if her body could handle it.  Also, this seemed like a weird thing for a very sexual 22 year old to say.  It made me pause and think, "It sounds like your relationships go from honeymoon phase to extremely old married couple in a few weeks."  The first time we had sex, everything was just frantic with her, like she couldn't contain herself.  The last night she stayed over at my house, she sat and played on her phone all night and barely talked to me.   

And yes, mine didn't seem to ever get sick when it was something she really wanted to do or when it was necessary.  She was perfectly fine with not canceling plans to stay over at my house when it was because she needed me to go with her to drop her car off to get inspected, drive her to the dentist, drive her to the bank, and drive her to her apartment to pay her rent. 

[search4peace]

So many of us, myself included, have felt so very hurt by the b/u of our r/s's.   But as I read these lists of ailments,  I wonder why I think I want this r/s back.   There were so many moments of unavailability b/c of one medical problem or another.  Including chronic,  severe lateness which was infuriating.   Why sign on for a lifetime of that?   That alone was bad enough.   Add to it the ongoing emotional abuse and rage,  and I know I dodged a bullet.

My god,... .uncanny. My ex was chronically late for almost everything... .dates with me, weddings, appointments for her or even for her son.  She was 3hrs late one thanksgiving, a rare chance for us to be alone together during a major holiday... .un-effing real.  Once again, words did not match her actions.

Nothing, it seemed, was important enough to be on time.  I eventually suspected ADD.  Im not sure if this is a co-morbid trait with BPD, but my exgf had it bad and claimed it was beyond her control, even blamed her father for never teaching her how to be more punctual.  No way could I live with that indefinitely.

[greenmonkey]

the list was endless

knees

back

lower back

shoulder (both)

neck

Stomach pains (could be due to bad diet - carbs and not much else)

Hips

etc etc

always aching always in pain. A normal person would go to the doctor and start addressing those pains if the were so severe.

She only ate Pot noodle and junk, unless she was cooked something nutritious at which point she would complain that it had vegetables in it, and it was never good enough

She avoided doctors at all costs and at the age of 45 had never had a smear done for whatever reason she cited when it was due.

How much were lies how much was the truth I have no idea, she was a pathological liar, and had twisted her lies into her own reality.

[usernorm]

There was a point at which I developed a strong suspicion that she had Munchhausen's. And I will not say what condition she suddenly, publicly developed the day she officially replaced me (waif much?), but it was oddly never mentioned after, in the couple of years where we still had intermittent contact.

[Tyrwhitt1]

This is such an interesting thread.  My exBPDh 'pushed' me away (with some very abusive behaviours) because he 'thought he was dying' and admittedly, he did so well that I kind of believed it too.  He was continually sick with no particular pattern, would hold his side and act in terrible pain.  He was running away from the marriage back to Scotland and although still registered in England with a GP, implied that he was having hospital treatment and an operation.  But it didn't add up, the operation was suddenly cancelled because he had a cold, he was then waiting for the ok to go back in hospital in Scotland when he later said he was visiting relatives that lives hours away, and when he came back down south, there was no mention of this mysterious operation.

He implied he had cancer but never actually said and I didn't ask.  When I broached the subject of him not being well, I got a 'what the hell's it to do with you' look, so I backed off.  His implication was that he was dying, he was going to take his share (and the rest) in the house and would have the last laugh by giving it to his relatives who he's barely seen in 20 years and don't give a stuff about him anyway.  I thought that was pretty insulting after 22 years with him.  He lost a lot of weight with being sick but he already had a gastric problems and was on meds for decades for excess acid, so it wouldn't have taken much for him to be sick. 

When I last saw him, he looked well, putting on weight and could lift heavy furniture from our house, having driven 450 miles.  I somehow think the sickness thing was a front to run away.  But how very interesting all your stories are, I've made many connections in things I've experienced through this site, but never the pretend to be ill connection.  I'm so gullible, I always believed him at face value.

[enlighten me]

I honestly believe that some of the problems are real at that moment in time. I thnk that stress can cause these problems. The hormones released when stressed can cause a lot of problems. When the stress goes away then so do the problems. This is I believe why my ex wife was alway ill on holiday because they stressed her out.

[jaya]

My adult daughter has one serious health issue after another in the past three years and so I tried to come to as many doctor appointments and ER trips as I could to know for sure what's going on, and many times it wasn't quite as bad as I thought after all; now she doesn't want to me to come anymore because she's angry the financial support is stopping.  I told her I'm here for her emotionally for support but she feels I've betrayed and abandoned her.  That's how it is for now.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

So many of us, myself included, have felt so very hurt by the b/u of our r/s's.   But as I read these lists of ailments,  I wonder why I think I want this r/s back.   There were so many moments of unavailability b/c of one medical problem or another.  Including chronic,  severe lateness which was infuriating.   Why sign on for a lifetime of that?   That alone was bad enough.   Add to it the ongoing emotional abuse and rage,  and I know I dodged a bullet.

My god,... .uncanny. My ex was chronically late for almost everything... .dates with me, weddings, appointments for her or even for her son.  She was 3hrs late one thanksgiving, a rare chance for us to be alone together during a major holiday... .un-effing real.  Once again, words did not match her actions.

Nothing, it seemed, was important enough to be on time.  I eventually suspected ADD.  Im not sure if this is a co-morbid trait with BPD, but my exgf had it bad and claimed it was beyond her control, even blamed her father for never teaching her how to be more punctual.  No way could I live with that indefinitely.

S4P, indeed!  In addition to his MANY medical problems (real or imagined), my ex definitely had ADD.  He was late for freaking everything... .including court!  I never waited less than ten minutes but it was often 45+ minutes.  Most often without the courtesy of an update.  Because his medical issues, which made him late, also prevented him from answering the phone or making a call to update me along the way.  

His chronic lateness may have been about his illness(es) and/or about his ADD.  I might have found a way to be sympathetic and/or work around it.  But his BPD traits meant that the friction caused by his lateness was blamed on ME.  So he'd rage at me and then shut me out for hours or days because  I wasn't patient enough.  I  couldn't find something productive to do with my time.  Icouldn't sit still. I needed to always be busy.  I wasn't sympathetic, understanding or loving enough.  His lateness was not a reflection on him and his inability to manage his time well (after all, he was sick and oh yeah, too sick to make a phone call but not too sick to do whatever we were doing after he finally arrived) but was instead a reflection on me and my failings.

Great post, whatjusthappened!

[Stylianos]

We are single handedly keeping the medical industry in the black.

currently: fibromyalgia/ myofacial pain disorder/ degenerative disk disease / plus her ongoing complaints of overall body pain.

past: carcinoid syndrome (that one was expensive), lupus, fill in the blank autoimmune disease.

wide list of meds but she covets her oxicodone, and fentanyl patches, seroquel, clonopin, an dothers... .

i think it is all bull___ as she perks up whenever it fits her schedule. she even fooled social security.

[Tim300]

Wow... .I can relate with all of you, i have yet to come across a thread like this!

Well, my ex always had something going on as well... .

 

This is a testament to me perhaps having spent way too much time on these boards, but there have actually been a lot of threads about this topic.  There seems to be some connection between Borderline Personality Disorder and Munchausen Syndrome.  

My BPDex-fiancee had an abnormal number of supposed ailments, as did her BPD mother.  Both of them go to the ER at least once a year, perhaps 2 or 3 times a year for her mother.  I don't know anyone else who goes to the ER like this (and this was always for no apparent emergency).  One thing I've read that makes sense is that when the pwBPD ages and no longer has suitors she might replace the courtship drama with an increased number of ER visits.  For my BPDex-fiancee, if her or her mother were going to the ER for any reason (even for a common cold, and yes the ER did diagnose this to my ex for one of her trips), then I had to stop everything I was doing for at least a couple days, no matter how important my schedule was, or I was "in the doghouse" for months.    

[Pretty Woman]

Mine had back issues and severe migraines. She called out sick a lot this past year with migraines. I started thinking... .she is going to get fired. She hasn't yet but... .

Last October she dumped me. By Thanksgiving she was having major back surgery. Mind you she also had told me we should see other people and by this time she was.

I got a "fake" email hook and fell for it. She said she was out of work since Nov and in rehab for her back... .this was in January.

What I find interesting is her company did not give her any raise and she supposedly is a whiz at collections. It was because they paid her for her surgery time off.

I still found that odd. She lost all vacation days and then this year barely got a raise at all. She is notorious for being fired. A part of me wonders just how great she is at her job.

My work performance tanked dating her and all the breakups. Still, I got a great raise and even a promotion. I just wonder sometimes. They are such great liars. You have no idea what's real and what isn't.

[cj488]

Yes, my exBPDgf claimed her liver was shutting down a few weeks after she suddenly disappeared with no explanation. "Help, save me, I love you, but I hate you, so please come back, don't leave me, oh, I'm seeing someone else, bye. Doctors say I'll live to see another day, but I felt like I was dying... ." If she weren't drop dead gorgeous no one would keep listening to this never-ending line of nonsense. Have no idea if anything was ever true or not.