BPD and self sabotage

[maxsterling]

The essence of this as that it is a pwBPDs lot that they always seem to act in a way that sabotages the ability to have their desires and needs met. In this example acting this way is the best way to ensure that Max will not want to commit to having a family, even if the desire for having a family is triggering it.

It is the BPD catch 22, and is repeated in many aspects throughout their life. Appeasing the need rarely fixes anything, the behavior moves to something else. Yes having a baby may soothe a pwBPD, but for how long before something else upsets the ability to regulate themselves? The behavior doesn't change only the focal point

I feel this deserves it's own topic.

I completely agree with this.   Almost all of my wife's behaviors and actions from age 15 to the presest can be explained as self-sabotage.  I've certainly seen it.  I think that's why the dysregulation ramped up prior to our wedding, and ramped up again regarding the baby.  Deep inside her there is the push-pull of BPD.  And both of the above activities bind her, and limit her options of blaming her internal strife on someone else.  That's what she really wants - "I feel miserable, let's set it up so that someone else can be blamed."

I don't believe she really wants to have a baby.  What she really wants is me (or someone else) to say "no" to her, label her as "crazy" giving her an excuse to split. 

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[Ceruleanblue]

My BPDh acknowledges that he sabotages things. I've addressed this with him, and he agrees that he does. Just this weekend he did this.

He knows it, but he did it again this weekend. We were supposed to take our second motorcycle class Saturday, and I've been having headaches/dizziness, and went to the ER last week and found out my blood pressure is really high. Saw my doctor, it was still high, and he told me to monitor it prior to putting me on meds for it. KNOWING this, my BPDh still wants to take the class, and test that night. I told him I would go, but only for two hours, not the usual six, and I wasn't up to taking the test. I said I was fine staying, visiting my son(yet another catch 22 situation, thanks to BPDh), and he could attend the class/test. He says he "wants us to do this together", so I reluctantly go.

We get there, and what we discussed was out the window! I was so mad, and still am. We ended up staying the whole time, because he made it clear he didn't want to leave, and I ended up sitting in the grass with a huge headache, and so upset at him. Others in the class were more concerned about me than he was, and AGAIN, he put his wants before my actual health, or what we'd agreed upon.

Here is how he sabotaged things for himself: He knew I wasn't keen on riding my own motorcycle anyway, that I'm doing this dangerous hobby for HIM, as a compromise, and he does the one thing that guarantees I'm probably done with the whole thing: backed out on when we left due to me not feeling well. I even set him up to succeed: offered to stay behind so he could attend alone or we'd leave after the two hours. He does this crap on purpose, I feel due to his BPD/NPD.

I ended up in the ER that night after my routine blood pressure check: my blood pressure was 217/116, and I'm now on meds, and it's still high, but not as bad. There I was with extremely high blood pressure, which explains my headache/dizziness, but HE got what he wanted, and even my pre planning to avoid being in that situation, didn't prevent it. He said "just don't trust me anymore". I made the pre plans because I didn't trust him in the first place.

Push/pull, and their need to have their own way in everything, then they switch plans. It's a no win, and it is a huge double bind.

[Ceruleanblue]

Max: I know you are very torn about this relationship, and it sounds like you want to be done with it? You definitely sound like you don't want to have a baby with her.

I greatly wanted, and BPDh and I talked quite a bit about my wanting to have a child together prior to us getting married. He'd had a vasectomy, but said he was open to getting a reversal. I GREATLY wanted one more child, but after we married, and I came to realized he was not the man I'd dated, and his rages/dsyregulations were every day, I quickly decided NO WAY would I have a child with him. I was not going to put myself through that, or my child through that.

He is much better right now, and if he stays this way, maybe I'll change my mind(now it will have to be adoption though because time has passed, and I'm probably no longer fertile), but it's still too close, and I'm still too scared that he'll go off drugs, or he'll just revert.

It's hard, but her desire for a baby, doesn't negate what you want or thinks best.

[maxsterling]

I've seen my wife to this with about a dozen friendships.   I can see it coming.  The cycle is like this:

1) W and friend start becoming close - talking/texting/calling all the time.  W declares what a good person this friend is.

2) At some point, W will tell me about some incident with this friend that made her uncomfortable.

3)  W still acts and talks with friend like everything is okay, while to me W is beginning to complain about this friend being too needy or pushy.

4) W then begins withdrawing from friend.

5) Friend calls out W on lack of communication, big fight occurs, friend is now painted black.

My feeling is that the BPD means W doesn't really feel comfortable with close friendships, and from step 2 onward is already starting the sabotage process.

[Ceruleanblue]

That sounds about right. I haven't noticed BPDh doing that with friends, but he sure has painted me black before, and he does the push/pull bit. His grown kids seem very PD to me, and especially the oldest seems to cycle like you say your wife does. His oldest will suck BPDh back in with promises of "working on their relationship", only to get mad about something imagined, and she pushes him away again. I've seen this cycle between them about five times in less than five years. She called us both toxic, but said she was "perfect"(yes, she used that word), and while BPDh displays many BPD behaviors towards me, he's done nothing but kiss his kid's butts the entire time I've known him.

It's sad to watch this destructive cycle over and over, and know there isn't anything you can do. They just have to learn themselves, or want to change it.

[formflier]

 

My wife's "good friends" all are from previous places she lived... .so now that they don't live close to each other... .she can be close... .FB with them... .etc etc.

Women that are close... .that she can hang out with... .I believe she sees as competition.

For me... .or the way others look at them... .not sure... .

There is another family with a lot of kids that recently moved in down the street.  There is a chance this r/s will develop differently.  They have done some stuff together... .but seem to be taking it slow.

I've stayed out of it... .

FF

[maxsterling]

My wife's "good friends" all are from previous places she lived... .so now that they don't live close to each other... .she can be close... .FB with them... .etc etc.

Women that are close... .that she can hang out with... .I believe she sees as competition.

For me... .or the way others look at them... .not sure... .

There is another family with a lot of kids that recently moved in down the street.  There is a chance this r/s will develop differently.  They have done some stuff together... .but seem to be taking it slow.

I've stayed out of it... .

FF

Oh, good plan - stay out of it.  There have been a few times where I tried to encourage friendships, and I wind up exhausted.  My wife is the same with close/far friends.  The "best friend" that lives 3000 miles away I doubt would be "best friend" if they lived close.  Interestingly, I thought this "best friend" she had had for years, but as it turns out, this was someone she friended almost right before moving internationally for a few years.  She has never lived in the same city as this friend for an extended period of time (years).